Still not over her (at least as a friend)

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realtiger

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I used to have a friend who doesn’t want to speak to me and doesn’t like me. Now she is much more successful and talented than me. I have to carry this cross for the rest of my life. Blind people have their blindness as their cross to carry, the deaf have their deafness as a cross to carry for the rest of their life, and this is my cross to carry. Even God cannot heal me from this wound. I tried to get over a long time ago and I prayed and I didn’t get over her until like four years later. But by then I made a foolish mistake and said I loved her and now she doesn’t want to speak to me. I am hurt because she is smart, talented, and open minded and I can’t be her friend anymore. Maybe her success, talent, and charisma could have rubbed off on me. It wouldn’t hurt if she was really successful. If she was a waitress it wouldn’t hurt and I would be over it. It has been over 5 years and still I am hurt. I acknowledge this as a cross. My life cannot completely happy again I will carry this to the grave!!!
 
Some crosses must be born - like blindness or deafness.

Some crosses can merely be put down; not a cross one needs to carry. Sorry, but this is one of those crosses - one to choose to put down and not carry.

If you are having trouble with this, please seek help, from a priest and/or counsellor.
 
You might be happy again… I believe I’ve been in a similar situation… time heals all wounds! Sounds cheesy, but it’s true!

God bless
 
Although I don’t know you, it sounds like you have low self-esteem. If you were “better” than her , I bet you wouldn’t feel this way. You are hurt, because you don’t like how you are doing now compared to her, could be. I believe you should work on yourself and move on. You haven’t missed anything yet. You say what you said because you don’t know any better. Smile, Jesus loves you.
 
It seems like you were (and are) confused. You didn’t love her; you wanted to be her. Your thinking that maybe her talent and charisma would rub off on you is a common misconception between people. It just does not happen that way.

Why this memory sticks five years later is probably because you still haven’t “cracked the code” on how YOU can break through and develop your own self, rather than sit passively waiting for someone else to affect you and change you.

What kind of talent and charisma are you looking for? If it’s performing, start taking classes, find a coach. And yes, get counseling and bring helpful people around you.

Pray. Be patient. Accept the gifts you were born with. Be the flame, not the moth.
 
My personal opinion is that you should pray for her, but would not persue her. Even as a friend. That doesn’t mean you should hate her or wish her evil. You must not go after her just because she doesn’t like you. But pray for her and for yourself. Ask God to send you someone you love.
 
This seems to be a rehash of your former thread, OP, and my advice to you is the same: look outside yourself, to God. True joy is found in him, not in whining about some person who’s more successful than you are.
 
It sounds like you have very low self-esteem.

Write down 5 positive attributes about yourself. When you do this, two things will happen that you should be aware of.

Your first natural reaction will be to say “I can’t think of any” or “I don’t have that many positivie qualities” but that’s a lie. You have to throw that lie away every time you hear it in your head. It’s utter nonsense. The only reason it may be hard to find these attributes is because you have trained yourself to downplay them, measure them to someone else, or bury them. If you don’t look for them, you’ll never find them and will be left thinking negatively about yourself. This has to stop.

Your second response, once you start writing a few things down, will probably be to think of other people with similar traits and compare yourself to them. If for example, you wrote down “Intelligent”, you might immediately think of someone else you believe is more intelligent and feel badly about yourself in comparison. That’s the second thought you should kick out. All kinds of “successful”, “funny” or “intelligent” people are absolutely miserable. Look at all the drug/alcohol use and suicides in Hollywood. There’s nothing inherently better about people who seem to have everything, and if you could get inside their minds, I bet you would find that they feel just as inadequate as we do.

The point of this excercise is to find positive things about yourself to think about and to identify the negative thinking that lowers your self esteem so it’s easier to notice and reject. If you get into the habit of rejecting these two thoughts every time you notice them, you’ll be a lot happier.
 
Thanks guys. I wanted to be a geography author but I don’t think geography books are as great to sell as sneakers. We all, pretty much, need sneakers we don’t all need geography books. I just want to be better than her. I don’t know if it’s too late to develop a music talent to be at least a one hit wonder. At this rate I don’t know if I will be more successful than her. I want to be a city planner but even that isn’t great as being the CEO of a sneaker factory. I am studying public policy and might want to study Latino studies minor. But even that isn’t as great as owning a company. It just hurts so bad when someone who rejects you and blocks you from facebook has the upper hand over you. I mean if I were a nerd who got rejected by a girl and later I would become really successful like a CEO or vice president of a major company while she is a waitress I would be happy. But no it’s more miserable than that. I honestly don’t care if God loves me. I prayed to Him that I could get over her one summer and I didn’t. In fact someone from a prayer group outside of church told me she was the one which really confused me. I don’t blame God I guess He doesn’t have to help me with every single issue even if that issue turns really bad like this.
LaughingBoy1503 said:
How old are you?
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I am 25.
 
I am not much older than you. I am 30. I did not get a good career until I was one month away from being 29. You can get there too. If the only thing that will bring you satisfaction is being “better” than her, that is a messed up goal. You need to get over that. It does not sound like you “love” this woman. It sounds more like a weird obsession, no offence. There is a difference. If you loved her, you would be happy for her success, not jealous.

I know you are in pain, believe me, I have been there but you WILL get over it. You are not going to “carry” this to the grave. That was what I though when I was obsessed with a woman who did not like me when I was 16. You are 25. That type of thinking is more in-line with teenagers. Once again, no offence, but I thought you were younger. You are going to get over it. I also did not get my first girlfriend until I was 29. That was rough for me all through my late 20’s. I know the pain of liking a woman who you feel that you can never have. You need to build some self confidence and then pursue other women. Another woman will make you forget about the other one but you will just mess it up with a new woman too if you bring your current self into a relationship. It is your responsibility to let this go. If you cant… you figure out a way to. Only the strong survive. Even strong people cry, but they also get on with life. I sincerely sympathize for your situation though. Pray and get closer to God. Things got better in my life when I decided to “First, seek the kingdom of God” That may help you too.

P.S. Don’t listen to people who say “She is the one” about any woman. I have been told that too. They can either be right or wrong but its only a coincidence. Not prophesy.
 
With all due respect, you are being very immature about all this.

Some items:
  1. You are not the first person to be rejected. It happens. Saying things like “you’ll take this to you grave” is not indicative of any sort of maturity - particularly since this is not, say, a situation where you were married for a few years and betrayed. Someone just didn’t reciprocate. It happens to the best of us.
  2. For that matter, this thread is simply a rehash of what you said a few weeks ago. At some point it becomes “crying in your beer.” Meet a new friend. Read a book. Take up a new hobby, learn a foreign language, whatever - but move on. Realize also that there is nothing attractive about what you’re doing, nor is it healthy for you.
  3. I’m troubled by all this “this would be so much easier if she was a waitress!” There will always be people with more than you, and people with less. That said, this seems like lashing out at another’s success. It’s not healthy, kind, or mature.
  4. The same way God opens some doors He closes them too. Other people/opportunities will come along. You will miss them if you cry too much in the beer. Worse, maybe you are someone else’s opportunity so don’t have them miss out on you!
 
PolarGuy said:
With all due respect, you are being very immature about all this.

Some items:
  1. You are not the first person to be rejected. It happens. Saying things like “you’ll take this to you grave” is not indicative of any sort of maturity - particularly since this is not, say, a situation where you were married for a few years and betrayed. Someone just didn’t reciprocate. It happens to the best of us.
  2. For that matter, this thread is simply a rehash of what you said a few weeks ago. At some point it becomes “crying in your beer.” Meet a new friend. Read a book. Take up a new hobby, learn a foreign language, whatever - but move on. Realize also that there is nothing attractive about what you’re doing, nor is it healthy for you.
  3. I’m troubled by all this “this would be so much easier if she was a waitress!” There will always be people with more than you, and people with less. That said, this seems like lashing out at another’s success. It’s not healthy, kind, or mature.
  4. The same way God opens some doors He closes them too. Other people/opportunities will come along. You will miss them if you cry too much in the beer. Worse, maybe you are someone else’s opportunity so don’t have them miss out on you!
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Yes to all of it. To #4, there’s a very good chance that somebody is pining over you just like you are pining over her. (I did that in college–I was pining over a guy that was pining over a girl.) In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if there were lengthy chains of people doing that very thing.
 
PolarGuy said:
At some point it becomes “crying in your beer.”
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Yes, this is a good way to put it.

Rejection is hard, but it is something we all face in some form or other at various times in our lives. Many (perhaps most?) people experience unrequited love. I’m in a happy marriage now, but had my share of heartbreak and rejection when I was younger. Each time it happens, you grieve a little bit, dust your self off, move on, and try again.

What you do not do is:
a) decide that she was the only person who could have made you happy.
b) wish her harm in any way - including wishing she was a waitress instead of a successful businesswoman.
c) compare yourself to others who have it better than you do.

Instead:
a) recognise that there are many women who you could potentially be a good husband for (if your head is in the right place).
b) pray for her and wish her all the best.
c) count your blessings and always strive for self improvement.
 
It wasn’t that I was sad about her rejecting me in a romantic way, at least not when I wrote this forum topic. It is just that I didn’t want her to be more successful than me because I would not want someone who is really successful and up there to hate me. It is like having a celebrity who knows you and hates you. And worse it is my fault. I have long felt guilt for what I have done. Maybe I shouldn’t have been too clingy. I shouldn’t have told her I loved her and then lie to her and say a friend hijacked my myspace account. I don’t want her to be my girlfriend I just wanted her to be my friend. But now I don’t think even if this is a possibility. I at least want us to be on good terms. It really hurt that despite the fact I apologized to her on facebook she still blocked me. But now I have been praying for her and wishing her well. It stinks I can’t be her friend. But what can I do about it at this point? Wishing her harm won’t do me good. I guess I just have to be separate from her and maybe pray for her from time to time.
 
Realtiger, something we’re never too old to learn: there are things we can do to another person that will induce them to cut themselves off from us permanently. This is particularly true where women will cut off men. Men who confess love which is not returned, and particularly men who lie to women, often get cut off permanently. There are stalkers, crazies, etc., out there and people can’t be too careful.

You shouldn’t be surprised: if my 20something daughter had a guy do that, I’d tell her to cut him off.

Now, here’s where you can show maturity: you can be immature; wish she was a waitress; say you’ll never recover, etc. Alternatively you can be mature; say " I caused this; she’ll never be my friend; and I can learn from this in the future and move on with my life." Just as lying is your choice so too is this your choice. I hope you choose wisely and learn.
 
PolarGuy said:
Realtiger, something we’re never too old to learn: there are things we can do to another person that will induce them to cut themselves off from us permanently. This is particularly true where women will cut off men. Men who confess love which is not returned, and particularly men who lie to women, often get cut off permanently. There are stalkers, crazies, etc., out there and people can’t be too careful.

You shouldn’t be surprised: if my 20something daughter had a guy do that, I’d tell her to cut him off.

Now, here’s where you can show maturity: you can be immature; wish she was a waitress; say you’ll never recover, etc. Alternatively you can be mature; say " I caused this; she’ll never be my friend; and I can learn from this in the future and move on with my life." Just as lying is your choice so too is this your choice. I hope you choose wisely and learn.
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Ok I feel suicidal now. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder so I don’t know if I will go to hell or heaven if I kill myself. I am a mistake and I wish I was never created. It’s survival of the fittest right? I am too weak to be here. I might as well die before I get even more hurt in this world. And I am a screw up anyways. Hopefully I will die soon.
 
Please get help immediately. If you are in the US, call 1 (800) 273-8255.
 
Please seek help realtiger. You are not a mistake. But you do have a serious illness and need to have it properly treated.
 
Yes, get help. 🙂 It’s not unmanly to go get help when you need it. Special forces guys need their talks too.

And God can heal everything, if you let him. You don’t actually need to feel perfectly happy or content in this life, and you actually can’t find happiness on earth. On earth there’s always a cross, but resurrection is more powerful than any cross can be.
 
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