Still questioning

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Shinobu

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There is still something that keeps bothering me. I thank you very kindly for reading, because I really need to just vent right now and there is no one else I can talk to about it.

About in June last year I started a conversation thru email with a Priest on vocation.com. I told him about my interest in becoming a Nun. It was by him that I found out about this site and also about reading the Catechism. This year I finally found out we had a Catholic Church in town thanks to someone here providing a link to “mass times” website. Thru this time the desire to be a Nun is still with me. I’ve prayed to God many times and begged him to give me his guidance, I’ve studied and learned more about Catholocism and I’ve tried hard to live a life that God would be more pleased with.

Sometimes the feeling hits me hard and it feels like it’s something I must do and I find that since last year when I first took this idea seriously, that I find less interest in material things. The things that used to bring me happiness and entertainment now don’t seem to be the same anymore and it feels like I just want to be closer to God more then anything.

I know I need to have patients, but at times it is honestly hard and makes me cry, I just want to be closer to God and to do his will. I’m not sure what to do at this point, if I should continue to go to Mass and wait until some time after I am accepted in to the Church (I hope this happens, I gave the Priest my information so they could contact me when they started RCIA) to ask the Priest what I am to do, or if I should tell him now.

I keep praying to God to let me know what he wills of me and at the same time I feel silly for even thinking that God is calling me to be a Nun, I feel like I am worthless and that I am not good enough for him. Out of curiosity I took the vocation quiz on EWTN’s religious life website and received a score which they said had “stong potential”. I think I was just in a good mood that day. I wish there was just a big trumpet that would sound and say “YES YOU ARE BEING CALLED NUMBSKULL, LISTEN TO ME!”.

Thank you for taking the time to read this
 
Hi shinobu,

I’m glad you were able find a Catholic Church in your town. Have you been able to go to mass? Perhaps they will start an RCIA class soon and you’ll be on your way to becoming Catholic. That of course is the first step in becomming a nun. You said you want to grow closer to God & do as He wills. That is such a wonderful perspective on life but you don’t need to “be a nun” to do that. You can begin right now by devoting time for prayer, study & mass. While you wait for RCIA class to begin, you could volunteer at church. I think if you focus on helping others it will take the focus off yourself and you won’t be struggling with being patient. As far as not taking an interest in material things or entertainment anymore… that could either be a sign of depression or God making you into the person He wants you to be.

Peace be with you,
CM
 
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Shinobu:
I wish there was just a big trumpet that would sound and say “YES YOU ARE BEING CALLED NUMBSKULL, LISTEN TO ME!”.

Thank you for taking the time to read this
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Ok…imagine a trumpet here:

"YES YOU ARE BEING CALLED NUMBSKULL, LISTEN TO ME!".

I’d definitely say you’re being called. Follow the call, my dear!
 
Thank you Carol,

Yes I have been attending Mass, as much as I can, RCIA here starts in September so I will wait to see if I am accepted. I’m pretty certain I am not depressed, because I live daily life normally, I feel happy and I get all my chores and stuff done and I enjoy reading (I just finished reading a book about Joan of Arc) and spending time with my Dog and my Family. In all of what I have been doing, concerning Faith I just feel like I need to do more. I would like to start helping others, so I need to check and see if the Church has some information on where to get started, because I am kinda lost on where to start (If that makes sense!)

hahaha thank you Tcay! 🙂
 
I think you are being called. Follow your heart. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

:blessyou:
 
That’s quite beautiful to hear.

God won’t leave you alone if this is what He wants with you.

I think that if you keep reading about the love of saints, you will see that many have struggled with the same feelings that you have.

God bless you, it looks like you have a wonderful calling.
 
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Shinobu:
Yes I have been attending Mass, as much as I can, RCIA here starts in September so I will wait to see if I am accepted.
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I’m part of my parish’s RCIA team; you shouldn’t really have to worry too much about being accepted. RCIA is open to all adults interested in finding out more about the Catholic church. (I keep a website for our team at rcia.fullbodyburn.com that has some information specific to our parish’s program; you might find it interesting.)

It sounds like you are on the right path. If you think you are being called, explore that. There are books about discerning vocation that might be very helpful to you. If you live in a city or near a city with a catholic book store, finding books is simple. If not, there are plenty of catholic web sites that you can order from.

Also, talk to people who are considering vocation. We just had a seminarian in our parish who was, like you, not catholic when he was called to the priesthood. He entered an RCIA program and became catholic. He then had to wait three years before he could enter seminary. (It’s a five year wait to enter the deaconate program. Go figure, huh?) He’ll be ordained soon, and that will be a happy day both for him and for the many people of my parish who have been able to share a little bit of his journey with him.
 
Shinobu,

As someone who is also discerning a vocation–though to the Priesthood–I can empathize with you. At times it can be very frustrating. I too have had a general decline in material things over the year or so that I’ve been pondering this. In the begining I too really wanted God to make it really clear to me–like a burning bush in my front yard, something along those lines. 😛 …I realize more and more as I go along this journey of discernment that instead of hitting you in the face, God seems to tug at your heart. For me there have been times when I’ve been really on fire to be a Priest and there have been times when I have not been…but the thought never went away. I would say, in my judgement, your priority number one right now is to get through RCIA and experience all that the Church has to offer. Then, if you are being called (this is a question that only you can answer) you can seriously begin the process of discerning which order you are called to etc…hope it helps to know there are others in your situation, it was nice to see that for me!

God Bless,
 
Thank you everyone for your replies and your prayers! Sanctus thank you very much, I wish you the best of luck on your path and you will be in my prayers. I too have moments where I feel like I must do it now now now! and then there are other times where I am hesitant but I still feel it in my heart even if it is very slight.

I will check out books when I go to the library this week.Is there any I should be particularly aware of?

Thank you!
 
Sanctus and Shinobu,

Do listen to your heart, and pray to St Therese of Lisieux for an indication of what’s right for you. The Church is in dire need of more priests and nuns. Talk to some other clergy who have already traveled the path that you may be interested in. Ask them how they finally decided.

A legend says that when St Terese grants a petitioners request, some how she sends a rose to the requester. Pray that the religious life is right for you. IF you receive a rose in the near future, you will know that a religious vocation is the right choice.

wc
 
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wcknight:
btw what are your addresses so we can have roses sent to you 🙂
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That’s so sweet a thing to say! You made me smile, I thank you kindly for that.

Thank you also to everyone else here who posted, I really needed to talk and get that off my chest and hear others opinions.
 
Dear Shinobu,

I am thrilled to hear about your desire to convert to Catholicism and your interest in religious life. I myself am a convert from just this past Easter.

As for religious life, I know that I am called and I will pursue the calling as much as God allows. I have had much discernment and wondering and doubts and questioning… etc. over this matter. It is very difficult to know.

But I kept praying about it and God brought me trials to teach me things, but also many signs of confirmation of my calling. Now I have to decide for sure which community to join, which I suspect will take awhile. But remember that even after converting, Catholic canon law requires that new converts wait at least 3 years before joining a religious community. In some cases they let you in as a postulant/novice, but vows are not allowed until 3 years after joining. Otherwise it depends on the community.

That said, you have plenty of time to discern. There are 3 excellent websites that have been very helpful in discerning my vocation, and allowing me to explore various types of religious communitites:

religiouslife.com
cmswr.org
cloisters.tripod.com

I suggest that you take a look at what they have to offer. Consider what type of ministry you might like to do as a nun or sister. (eg. prayer/contemplative life, active service, or a combination of the two).

If you continue to pray about this and seek God’s will, He will show you clearly when the time is right. This is how it happened for me, and looking back, I am glad that God laid things out the way He did. His timing is perfect and He has many things to teach you!

As for joining the Church, if you are anxious to do so I completely understand. I decided for sure that I wanted to be Catholic around Feb. 2004. However I had to wait for RCIA to start in the fall and I waited over a year to fully join the Church (Easter vigil '05). This waiting time developed in me an appreciation of being Catholic, and most especially, of the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. Spend time in Eucharistic adoration whenever possible, even if it’s just before and/or after mass. Christ will never lead you astray. God does not leave us abandoned to figure out His will on our own. Rather, He shows us all in His perfect timing.

I too empathize with those who expressed a longing to join religious life now, but are unable to do so due to circumstances. For me it seems like that is where I want to be, so why would God have me here waiting? But I know there is a purpose for this and if nothing else I am learning patience. :o I know that God has a reason for me to be in my present situation, and looking back on the way situations worked out, I can see why He did what He did and when (in hindsight). It did not make sense to my finite mind at the time, but God is bigger than that. He has a wonderful purpose for your life so just follow His leading and He will not let you down!

If you are interested in history, I suggest Elizabeth Kuhn’s book The Habit: A History of the Clothing of Catholic Nuns. I found it fascinating. Kuhns was interviewed on EWTN’s “The World Over” with Raymond Arroyo. The book is also available from EWTN’s bookshop and I would have linked to them rather than amazon, but EWTN does not allow linking to individual books for some reason.

To hear the interview with Kuhns, go here and check the date of 4/30/2004.

May God bless you in your journey and discernment!
Lily628
 
I am so glad you posted, Shinobu! I think if you feel it within your heart, it is something you’ve considered over a long time - something put this seed into your mind, perhaps God’s trumpet was the first ever vision you had of yourself becoming a nun? 🙂 I say nothing better to cure a questioning soul than to volunteer a bit to get one’s mind off the wait. Maybe you can sit in on different study groups within your church while you wait for RCIA to start up even, to get a head start on being immersed with the faith. Perhaps there’s a group who has a study-buddy system, where a more advanced and serious classmate can take you under their wing, much like a sponsor, and help you learn more about what it’s all about? You’ve got a great start with knowing which websites to visit, and what articles to look over. I think you’re already headed in the right direction. 🙂
 
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