Still searching

[julianp24]

I’m 23 years old and still searching for my perfect other half. I’ve never had a girlfriend before because I firmly believe that my first girlfriend shall be my future wife, and with that I impose lots of requirements and criteria that need to be fulfilled for my future special one.

Recently I’ve been feeling a little down and I’m beginning to doubt if I’ll ever find the right girl.

From the Catholic’s perspective, is it OK to date a girl with no intentions of marrying her? I don’t think it’s OK and that’s why I don’t date because I don’t see much future in any relationship with the girls around me. For me, I’ll need to find the right girl who can potentially be my wife before stepping in to deepen the relationship. So far that has not happened yet.

It’s not that I’m being picky, it’s just that these requirements are pretty sensible ones which most of you would agree. For instance, she could be from a different country and that would bring lots of complications further down the road because she might want to go back to her home country etc. Or another one (most common), she’s not very “faithful” and likes to indulge in worldly matters instead of God (I hope I’m not being judgmental here, just stating based on my observation). Also for some reason I tend to fall for non-Catholics around me, which really upsets me.

This brings up another question, is it OK to date a non-Catholic? Say a Protestant? I know about the marriage requirements and that you’ll need to promise to bring up your children in the Catholic faith and all that. But what about dating? Does it matter if I say I’ll try to evangelize to her and hope for the best that she converts with the help of the Holy Spirit? Because at this rate I might go down this road soon. Temptations are hard to control, and Paul said if you can’t control yourself then you should marry. So I was wondering if I should just find someone quickly and be done with it so as to curb these temptations that hunt me almost everyday.

 

[7armyrugrats]

I’m not sure how you will find someone to marry if you don’t date anyone. I have never met anyone who married the first person they dated. Am I missing something here?

 

[Jade_Tiger]

I’m not sure how you will find someone to marry if you don’t date anyone. I have never met anyone who married the first person they dated. Am I missing something here?

What she said. Also, you might not know yourself well enough to have a “list of criteria”- the two thinks you mentioned are sensible, but if you have other ideas, such as the kind of personality you are looking for, you might change your mind when you get to know more people. You get to know yourself better by learning about others.

Also, there is a gap between a “date” and having a girlfriend. There is no reason why you shouldn’t go out casually with a few lady friends with marriage not being on the table- it’s not the same as being in a serious relationship. But that’s where a serious relationship starts!

If you have some idea (even a subconscious idea) that you are somehow obliged to marry your first “girlfriend,” that could cause a lot of trouble. You might feel a lot more of an obligation to an unsuitable girl than you otherwise would, get more emotionally involved, and end up causing both of you a lot more heartbreak than necessary.

 

[St_Francis]

I would say you are old enough to look at the young women you know with an eye to getting to know some of them better. I would suggest you keep your “dates” light and as much as possible with other people, like getting a group of friends together to do something, etc.

OTOH, you are also young enough that you don’t need to rush into anything.

When I was in high school and college, it seemed like you went on 2 or 3 actual dates (alone together) and people started assuming that you were together–don’t know if that’s still the case.

Scott and Kimberly Hahn describe when they had been working together on Campus Crusade that he told her he couldn’t hang out with her too much because he would fall in love with her and he didn’t have time for that that year!

It’s tricky, navigating the dating scene in this day and age… but get involved with activities in your parish or Newman Center, so you can meet more young women.

Do not enter into a relationship with the idea that you will change the other person–a sure recipe for disaster.

 

[mandajane]

You’re only 5 years younger than me, so let me lay this out for you.

The purpose of dating someone seriously is to discern marriage. The purpose of dating casually is to decide if it is worth discerning marriage. Sometimes casual dating can be replaced by friendship. Just a time to get to know them. When I started dating someone casually I had a list of “minimums” they’d have to meet before I would try to discern marriage with them. It was:

• Catholic
• Within my age range (which I defined as 1 year younger than me and 10 years older than me)
• Employed
• Ok with waiting for sex until marriage

I met 3 guys who met those criteria, and took the time to discern with them. The third is my fiance, and we’ll be married in less than six months.

I’m going to be super frank here - the idea that you want your first girlfriend to be your wife is very silly, and unfair to the girl in question. The only way you’re going to learn enough about a girl to discover if she’d be a good wife for you is if she becomes emotionally invested in you, and bares her heart. You, however, wont consider her your girlfriend until she does this? I’ll be honest, if a guy had told me that he wanted his first girlfriend to become his wife, I’d have laughed. A lot. Part of dating people isn’t just learning if they’re right for you - it’s learning about yourself. How do you handle the emotional ups and downs that are a relationship? How do you handle your own failures? What are you going to do the first time your girlfriend makes a huge mistake? Are you going to be there for her? What if she cheats, or is abusive? Are you going to stay so you can say your first girlfriend is your wife? What if she discerns you’re not what she wants in a husband?

These are just questions to consider. I’m glad you want to have a chaste relationship, but there’s a lot more to it than just religious devotion. It’s like you’re looking for someone to play your costar in the movie of your life, investing everything you are in it, and yet saying you’re only going to allow one woman to audition.

 

[thewanderer]

I agree with everything everyone else has said here, but I would also just like to add one more thing. There is no such thing as the “perfect woman” or even the “perfect woman for you”. There are women who you would be able to have a loving and stable marriage with and women you won’t. The woman who is “perfect for you” is the one from the first group that you actually marry.

 

[Christy_Beth]

Throw out all your requirements and criteria. That sort of stuff just gets in the way. Your “perfect” one may not have very many of these. I think it would be like me “requiring” any man I date to have an IQ of at least 180. My “perfect” one may have an IQ of only 110. Brains are no indicator on how much a person can love. In reality there is no such thing as a perfect spouse out there for anyone. Get to know the girls around you more. You might learn alot. It’s like something I’ve heard said lately. “God doesn’t call the prepared, he prepares those he calls.” Apply that to yourself and any “possible” future spouse.

 

[Cat]

I am a 55-year-old woman, mother of two grown girls, and happily married to the same great husband for 33 years.

A lot of really good, decent women end up alone because the good, decent men (like yourself) don’t ask them to go out, and the women are too well-mannered to ask a man out, so they just don’t go out, and they get older and older and eventually accept that they are going to be unmarried.

And there are a lot of good, decent women who decide to take matters into their own hands and they go ahead and ask the man out. I can’t say I blame them, but I think this gets a relationship off on the wrong foot because already, the man has behaved like a silly coward by not asking the woman out, and she has taken on his role by asking him out–do you see? It’s really not the best way to get things started.

So YOU do YOUR job as a man and ask the decent women around you to go out! Don’t force them to act like a man and ask YOU out.

I would say to drop your self-imposed and naive “rule” that the first woman you date will be the woman you marry. I have no idea where you got that idea, but it’s kind of unrealistic.

During the dating process, you will learn what kind of women you get along well with. You might be surprised! A lot of quiet men think they will like a quiet woman, and then they discover that they love being with a woman who talks well. Vice versa, too. Opposites really do attract. But be careful. If you marry someone who has nothing in common with you, that means trouble once the romantic luster has worn off. You have to have SOMETHING in common with the woman you marry.

Another thing you will learn during the dating process is how to properly treat a woman. That takes practice, and the time to learn is while you’re dating (although a good husband never stops learning how to treat his wife well!). You’ll make mistakes. You’ll probably make a woman cry someday–that’s icky. But you’ll also learn how to help her stop crying and smile again.

I would also advise you strongly to never, ever, EVER date any woman that you would not be willing to consider marrying just as she is right now. Don’t date non-Catholic women, or non-Christian women, or women who hate everything that you like, or whatever. You cannot count on anyone changing.

And think about it–even if a non-Catholic woman does agree to convert to please you, you will still be miles ahead of her in the faith, and that makes for a lop-sided relationship and puts her at a disadvantage, and both of you will have a hard time with this.

Nope–only date women that you are willing to marry the way they are. No changes needed.

Have fun! Godspeed.

 

[Kelfa28]

Never enter a relationship with the goal to evangelize.

It’s unfair, unkind and it’s a very low blow to the person you are going out with.

Simply because a person is expecting to have a nice time with someone else they may want to get closer to. The second they realize you are trying to convert them…they’ll probably run for the hills. No one wants to go on a date with someone who has a goal of converting them. It can be considered dishonest. Especially if the person is grounded in their faith. Why spend the first few months you’re supposed to be getting to know having epic debates on scripture, Church history and the Truth?

I’d look for another Catholic girl and just ask her out…go on a date. See if you have anything in common. If you like her…go out again…and so on. You can’t discern marriage before you even go out on the first date. You can discern if she is someone you would want to date. Is she nice, sociable, Catholic, attractive? Would you want to ask her out? Forget whether you can picture her as your wife. Picture her across the table at dinner and see how the conversation may go.

My husband and I couldn’t have been more different from each other when we first met when we were 24.
We went started going out on traditional dates…doing fun things together.
We got to know each other. We genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. We wanted to be together. We fell in love and are now happily married.

 

[lovedance4ever]

My cousin married the first woman he dated, and they are now happily settled down with their beautiful baby boy. While I can see how others think it is a good idea to get out there and “date,” I just wanted to throw that out there for you and say that it is possible, not unrealistic, and a beautiful thing to hope for.

 

[thewanderer]

My cousin married the first woman he dated, and they are now happily settled down with their beautiful baby boy. While I can see how others think it is a good idea to get out there and “date,” I just wanted to throw that out there for you and say that it is possible, not unrealistic, and a beautiful thing to hope for.

I don’t think anyone is saying its impossible, heck, I’m about to marry the first person I ever really dated, I think what they’re saying is that if you put too much value on it you might end up staying in a relationship that just won’t work out just because it is your first relationship and you want your first relationship to be your only one. While it does sometimes happen, it isn’t the norm, so while someone can like the idea, they shouldn’t set their hopes on it.

 

[Chantal25]

You need to date her to see if you are compatible. So yes it is ok to date someone without necessary ending to marry her. Also, when you find the right one, you will have even more gratitude for her because you will have a reference from the other girls that weren’t as compatible as she will be, lol…

Anyway, you know what is right and wrong, just no sexuality until you marry.

You can get to know someone without necessary dating them right of way. Just be friend at first so you can see if you are compatible.

 

[Bataar]

I can only hope my first girlfriend becomes my wife

 

[julianp24]

Thanks for all the help guys! I know what needs to be done now, can’t believe I’ve been so naive all this time. I guess it’s not going to be easy but I’ll just have to trust in the Lord and hope for the best.

Peace

 

[Cat]

Thanks for all the help guys! I know what needs to be done now, can’t believe I’ve been so naive all this time. I guess it’s not going to be easy but I’ll just have to trust in the Lord and hope for the best.

Peace

If it helps any, you sound like a really great guy with a sweet personality. There is a very blessed girl out there who will have you for a husband someday.

 

[billcu1]

You’re only 5 years younger than me, so let me lay this out for you.

The purpose of dating someone seriously is to discern marriage. The purpose of dating casually is to decide if it is worth discerning marriage. Sometimes casual dating can be replaced by friendship. Just a time to get to know them. When I started dating someone casually I had a list of “minimums” they’d have to meet before I would try to discern marriage with them. It was:

• Catholic
• Within my age range (which I defined as 1 year younger than me and 10 years older than me)
• Employed
• Ok with waiting for sex until marriage

I met 3 guys who met those criteria, and took the time to discern with them. The third is my fiance, and we’ll be married in less than six months.

I’m going to be super frank here - the idea that you want your first girlfriend to be your wife is very silly, and unfair to the girl in question. The only way you’re going to learn enough about a girl to discover if she’d be a good wife for you is if she becomes emotionally invested in you, and bares her heart. You, however, wont consider her your girlfriend until she does this? I’ll be honest, if a guy had told me that he wanted his first girlfriend to become his wife, I’d have laughed. A lot. Part of dating people isn’t just learning if they’re right for you - it’s learning about yourself. How do you handle the emotional ups and downs that are a relationship? How do you handle your own failures? What are you going to do the first time your girlfriend makes a huge mistake? Are you going to be there for her? What if she cheats, or is abusive? Are you going to stay so you can say your first girlfriend is your wife? What if she discerns you’re not what she wants in a husband?

These are just questions to consider. I’m glad you want to have a chaste relationship, but there’s a lot more to it than just religious devotion. It’s like you’re looking for someone to play your costar in the movie of your life, investing everything you are in it, and yet saying you’re only going to allow one woman to audition.

Let me interject something here. I have always been single and I’m a lot older than 23. I’m 43 and it looks to me like I’m probably going to be stuck with the single vocation. I’m never really dated either and I don’t meet your short list at all except for Catholic and willing to wait on sex. I’m on disability so I can just about take care of myself. There isn’t very many young women at my parish and I don’t think they’d be interested in older men though age isn’t really an issue to me. So I thought I’d let the OP know that all is not lost and it’s not a lost cause. But as pointed out if you don’t meet anyone women do not come to your front door.

God Bless

 

[chevalier]

I’m 23 years old and still searching for my perfect other half. I’ve never had a girlfriend before because I firmly believe that my first girlfriend shall be my future wife, and with that I impose lots of requirements and criteria that need to be fulfilled for my future special one.

I’m a lawyer that thrives on litigation and I’m scared by that language. I realise there may be some cultural differences but the “shalls” and the “requirements to be met”, and especially the “I impose” are pretty scary, and they sound a bit like requirements from a governmental agency in a public procurement contract (and those things are often patently off the whack with language to suit). I’m sorry to say this but a woman would be scared too and with good reason. Chill, get an easy-going bone to your body, be humble. Realise that the woman is your equal and that she doesn’t live to offer you affirmation. She has her own goals and her own dreams, and above all her own worth and her own dignity. On Thursday our Pope will be washing the feet of inmates in a prison and that’s not just an external ritual gesture.

Recently I’ve been feeling a little down and I’m beginning to doubt if I’ll ever find the right girl.

No one’s perfect. Neither you, nor a woman of your comparable merit or virtue or other characteristics. Just like you have imperfections, you need to learn to live with them in a woman.

From the Catholic’s perspective, is it OK to date a girl with no intentions of marrying her? I don’t think it’s OK and that’s why I don’t date because I don’t see much future in any relationship with the girls around me. For me, I’ll need to find the right girl who can potentially be my wife before stepping in to deepen the relationship. So far that has not happened yet.

Dating is just a loose concept associated with getting to know someone with a romantic motivation. People married when “dating” didn’t exist as a word (or even as a notion) and they didn’t necessarily marry for money or politics. I agree with you that romance shouldn’t be used as a recreational device. If you know you wouldn’t like to marry the girl, then you need to let go. On the other hand, until some point you’re simply discerning. That means you don’t know yet.

It’s not that I’m being picky, it’s just that these requirements are pretty sensible ones which most of you would agree. For instance, she could be from a different country and that would bring lots of complications further down the road because she might want to go back to her home country etc. Or another one (most common), she’s not very “faithful” and likes to indulge in worldly matters instead of God (I hope I’m not being judgmental here, just stating based on my observation). Also for some reason I tend to fall for non-Catholics around me, which really upsets me.

Some Catholics think they have a duty to be boring. Others don’t think they have a duty but are still boring anyway. Find a faithful Catholic girl who’s entertaining. I’ve met one or two, I think.

This brings up another question, is it OK to date a non-Catholic? Say a Protestant? I know about the marriage requirements and that you’ll need to promise to bring up your children in the Catholic faith and all that. But what about dating? Does it matter if I say I’ll try to evangelize to her and hope for the best that she converts with the help of the Holy Spirit? Because at this rate I might go down this road soon. Temptations are hard to control, and Paul said if you can’t control yourself then you should marry.

You can marry a non-Catholic if you get a dispensation from your bishop. The promises stand. (Currently, the promise is that you will do your best, it doesn’t promise a flat, unconditional result.)

So I was wondering if I should just find someone quickly and be done with it so as to curb these temptations that hunt me almost everyday.

If you read how the teaching developed later, especially from John Paul II’s pen, you can’t really justify making another human person a tool for you just to be done with your urges. Back in St. Paul, it says you may need to lay down your life for her.