Still struggling to overcome my past

[DL82]

I am happily married to a wonderful wife, and she has given me every reason to deepen my faith and engage with the whole of myself and her, including some difficult and painful things in both of our pasts.

At the same time, married life forces me to engage with my sexual side, which I had pretty much cut off and ignored in the 3 years from my conversion to my wedding. Prior to this I was involved in lustful fantasies, an online fetish community and frequent masturbation. Thanks be to God, I have never gone back to that, but there are times when those things still run through my head, and times when I feel the same way checking online news items as I used to when I viewed inappropriate online material. I realize I still have these reactions hard-wired, and it makes it difficult to live a life of sanctity with my wife, whether we are intimate or abstaining.

I was wondering if anyone has struggled with rooting out the remaining tail end of these addictions. How did you do it?

 

[Trigger06]

Part of it is breaking the old trigger habits. If being on the computer tempts you to go to bad sites, get off the computer. Or install a filter. It will help, I promise.

 

[Pat_Payne]

Temptations are going to come. As a recovering sex addict (I know I will not be a recovered addict until that day I emerge from the other side of Purgatory) I am tempted every day by almost everything. For so long, I tried fighting it, and that, ironically fed the fire until acting out became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Lately, I’ve tried another tack:

1. When a tempting or objectionable thought or feeling comes up, acknowledge that I am powerless over my mind or my addiction.
2. Surrender to Him who is all-powerful, God. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate (and, quite frankly, this is one of those times where that may be self-defeating as it might turn into an attempt to drown out the thought with self-talk) – just breathe deeply and say, “Lord Jesus, I surrender to you.”
3. LET IT GO. Do not fight. Do not struggle to consciously crowd the thought out, thereby just throwing a Klieg light on it and giving it the attention it craves. Just let it go, and rest in the mercy of God.

And it works. I’ve felt more serenity since I’ve done this.

 

[DL82]

Thing is, it’s not that I go back to bad sites. I don’t. It’s that I still feel dirty every time I walk away from my computer, even if all I’ve done is check these forums and send some emails for work. I also feel like I can’t string two thoughts together sometimes for fear that one of them will lead me down the track of dwelling on sinful fantasies.

It seems that to be pure, we need to be able to think before we act, but when the act is thinking, we need to be able to think before we think, which just seems impossible. Maybe I need a life of greater self-mortification, but that is difficult in married life as I don’t want to look like a hypocrite in front of my wife. What to do?

 

[fred_conty]

I am happily married to a wonderful wife, and she has given me every reason to deepen my faith and engage with the whole of myself and her, including some difficult and painful things in both of our pasts.

At the same time, married life forces me to engage with my sexual side, which I had pretty much cut off and ignored in the 3 years from my conversion to my wedding. Prior to this I was involved in lustful fantasies, an online fetish community and frequent masturbation. Thanks be to God, I have never gone back to that, but there are times when those things still run through my head, and times when I feel the same way checking online news items as I used to when I viewed inappropriate online material. I realize I still have these reactions hard-wired, and it makes it difficult to live a life of sanctity with my wife, whether we are intimate or abstaining.

I was wondering if anyone has struggled with rooting out the remaining tail end of these addictions. How did you do it?

Sounds like there are a few demons of the past haunting you.
I do know that sometimes there are places that they like to frequent like abortion clinics.

Now I’m not suggesting that there is possession going on.
But I do believe that they don’t give up easily once they have laid their hands on us.

One of their tools is to use our own past thoughts(memories) to get to us. For they know our past sins and can use them against us again and again. That is not to say that they can force us into sin, but they can make our life extremely unpleasant and difficult.

One way to help eliminate their influence is to confess all past sins of this nature.
If any were not, then it should be done.

Also put a blessed picture or crucifix in every room of your home, especially the divine mercy and the sacred heart pictures. They can be holy card size. Ask a priest over to bless your house, and afterwards, kneel and ask him to lay his hands on you and bless you.

I know to some this is going to sound like a bunch of nonsense. But look at it this way,
what is the worst thing that can happen? Having a bunch of holy pictures hanging up. I don’t think that’s so bad. And I believe that our dear Lord himself appeared to St. Faustina and to St. Margaret Mary with lots of promises to whoever hung them up in his honor. Now that isn’t bad either. He said he wanted them to be put up.

One other thing I would do is to wear the Miraculous Medal or Brown scapular, and carry the green scapular in my wallet. Mary was pretty specific that she would eliminate these demons if we kept these items on us and prayed. Now she wouldn’t say that unless she meant it.
Also she said she would obtain great graces for us if we trusted her to keep her word.

God can do in one instant what it may take us years to figure out.

At best your prayer will be answered, or at worst, great graces.
That’s a win win.

 

[The_Bucket]

Thing is, it’s not that I go back to bad sites. I don’t. It’s that I still feel dirty every time I walk away from my computer, even if all I’ve done is check these forums and send some emails for work. I also feel like I can’t string two thoughts together sometimes for fear that one of them will lead me down the track of dwelling on sinful fantasies.

It seems that to be pure, we need to be able to think before we act, but when the act is thinking, we need to be able to think before we think, which just seems impossible. Maybe I need a life of greater self-mortification, but that is difficult in married life as I don’t want to look like a hypocrite in front of my wife. What to do?

All of this sounds like the evil one trying to find ways to reel you back in. It’s never going to fully go away and that totally sucks. But one thing you can realize is that everybody deals with temptation every day. You are no different from the rest of the Church militant who fight daily, hourly and minute-by-minute battles against their own temptations.

Recognize that God loves you. Recognize that he his overjoyed when you resist temptation and recognize that you are increasing in virtue every time you do so. I have found that clinging close to certain chapters in the Imitation of Christ has made it far easier to let it go and realize I’m not defined by my temptations, faults or failures. I am defined always as a child of God.

This might be helpful. It’s from book 1 of the Imitation:

Yet temptations, though troublesome and severe, are often useful to a man, for in them he is humbled, purified, and instructed. The saints all passed through many temptations and trials to profit by them, while those who could not resist became reprobate and fell away. There is no state so holy, no place so secret that temptations and trials will not come. Man is never safe from them as long as he lives, for they come from within us – in sin we were born. When one temptation or trial passes, another comes; we shall always have something to suffer because we have lost the state of original blessedness.

But then the good part!

We should not despair, therefore, when we are tempted, but pray to God the more fervently that He may see fit to help us, for according to the word of Paul, He will make issue with temptation that we may be able to bear it. Let us humble our souls under the hand of God in every trial and temptation for He will save and exalt the humble in spirit.

In temptations and trials the progress of a man is measured; in them opportunity for merit and virtue is made more manifest.

When a man is not troubled it is not hard for him to be fervent and devout, but if he bears up patiently in time of adversity, there is hope for great progress.

God bless.

 

[E_7]

Recognize that God loves you. Recognize that he his overjoyed when you resist temptation and recognize that you are increasing in virtue every time you do so. I have found that clinging close to certain chapters in the Imitation of Christ has made it far easier to let it go and realize I’m not defined by my temptations, faults or failures. I am defined always as a child of God.

Exactly.

DL82, we are all sinners, but sons and daughters of God. We are sinners trying to be holy. Don’t let Satan break you, don’t give him the pleasure. Do the sign of the cross every time you feel bad, tempted, or even when you are happy! The sign of the cross is another way of prayer. Call out the Holy Spirit to guide you, and Mary with St. Michael to protect you from evil. What to do? just remember “I’m a son of God, and I have an army watching over me, I’m not alone.”

Trust God 110%

Just a reminder, you become stronger when you’re in state of grace. Remember that.

 

[fastenatingguy]

Temptations are going to come. As a recovering sex addict (I know I will not be a recovered addict until that day I emerge from the other side of Purgatory) I am tempted every day by almost everything. For so long, I tried fighting it, and that, ironically fed the fire until acting out became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Lately, I’ve tried another tack:

1. When a tempting or objectionable thought or feeling comes up, acknowledge that I am powerless over my mind or my addiction.
2. Surrender to Him who is all-powerful, God. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate (and, quite frankly, this is one of those times where that may be self-defeating as it might turn into an attempt to drown out the thought with self-talk) – just breathe deeply and say, “Lord Jesus, I surrender to you.”
3. LET IT GO. Do not fight. Do not struggle to consciously crowd the thought out, thereby just throwing a Klieg light on it and giving it the attention it craves. Just let it go, and rest in the mercy of God.

And it works. I’ve felt more serenity since I’ve done this.

---

I am glad this is working for you. My priest gave me a similar explanation, saying that we humans cannot overcome the devil (or evil), as that is this world. Allow God to fight that battle for us, for he will win (every time) and if we follow him, then we are in his graces.

My bad habit (Father, I’m here again this week, two more “you know what”) is about three months in the rear view mirror.

Thanks be to God.

 

[The_Bucket]

Exactly.

DL82, we are all sinners, but sons and daughters of God. We are sinners trying to be holy. Don’t let Satan break you, don’t give him the pleasure. Do the sign of the cross every time you feel bad, tempted, or even when you are happy! The sign of the cross is another way of prayer. Call out the Holy Spirit to guide you, and Mary with St. Michael to protect you from evil. What to do? just remember “I’m a son of God, and I have an army watching over me, I’m not alone.”

Trust God 110%

Just a reminder, you become stronger when you’re in state of grace. Remember that.

This a thousand times. You personally are powerless but we all are against all sin. We only have strength when we let God work through us. We may win a battle or two against temptation by sheer force of will but we will always lose the war if we try to fill our lives with worldly distractions and trying to flee from all temptation. Satan can always find you.

But the great news is that God knows where you are at all times. And when you are suffering from the worst of temptations that is the time when He is imploring you to knock all the harder. Sometimes it will only take a few taps and it is opened. Sometimes you have to pound on that thing with all your might. The good news is that God will give you the grace you need every time; the only thing that changes is how hard you have to knock.

And know that if you have to knock harder some days, those are the times when God is letting you grow in virtue. You’re becoming stronger because you’re relying more and more on Him and less on yourself. That’s what has helped me through my battles against sin of all types. It takes some effort but embrace when life throws you curves or when it gets hard to be faithful. That’s when you have the most opportunity to grow in your love of Him. How would your faith and love of God grow if it all came easy?