Strained Relationship With Mother

[sandra_atom]

So I have never had a good relationship with my mother. Yet I have always made sure to call her and go over on the weekends, take my kids. But there are times when my mom is just plain mean to me, she accuses me of things, makes up scenarios in her head and plays them out as if they are real and treats me so awful. Over the past 3 years I have felt myself distancing myself more and more, my calls are less maybe once a week, when I have gone over my visits are shorter. I honestly have very little desire to see or talk to her sometimes because when I do she is victimizing herself, she’s always someone’s victim, her coworkers, my sister’s my dad, etc.

Right now during social distancing I almost feel relieved that I have an excuse to not go over. My question is, is it wrong for me to not want to have a close relationship with her. I feel like I have forgiven so much over the years, but just because I forgive her does not mean I don’t carry the pain with me. Am I in sin for not wanting to be close to her?

 

[Irishmom2]

I think you are doing the right thing. If she is going to continue to be the way she is, I wouldn’t want my kids exposed to that too much.

And if she starts being mean, I would have no qualms cutting the visit or the phone call short.

 

[Legend]

You are giving all the attention your mom is ‘owed.’ Please, don’t be guilted into allowing her to mistreat you…in front of your kids, no less!

You didn’t say how old your children are. No matter…even very young kids can pick up on the fact that you’re being treated disrespectfully! Do you want them to grow up with a skewered idea that its all right to mistreat, even lie about their mother? And, get away with it?

You shouldn’t be put in this position. Treat your mother respectfully, but, once this behavior
begins, make an excuse, and leave! Especially if your Kids are with you. You don’t deserve to be exposed to this behavior. Neither do your kids. I imagine that you’ve taught them to behave politely and respectfully in your presence? Don’t allow anyone-even your mother/their grandmother undo the work you’ve done. You’ve been teaching them how you expect to be treated. Don’t let anyone do otherwise!

In these pandemic days, you must be careful. So, prayers for you and all your family.

. God Bless!

 

[Retsel]

People hurting people happens all the time. It’s unavoidable.
It’s when you translate a hurt into a perpetual negative feeling can it become sinful.

Having the right tools in your toolbox is what’s needed.
I like Legend’s training method and I’m sure there are many others available.

Treat your mother respectfully, but, once this behavior
begins, make an excuse, and leave!

Just don’t expect any positive results. Doing so, may lead you to judgemental thoughts, words and actions.

 

[Lara]

I would move to another place that’s farther. At the very least, I would limit interaction to once per week, mostly by phone.

Do you call her out on her behaviour? She needs to know that she has to treat you properly.

But my guess is she has a mental illness if she’s making stuff up. Would she consent to seeing a doctor?

 

[sandra_atom]

Hello,

Thanks for you reply, my mom does seem to have signs of having a mental illness, but has always refused professional help. The only help she ever said yes to was talking to a priest, and she came out saying the family was in kahoots with him because he was wrong and she was right. Its been a tough road.

 

[PeppyGirl]

I don’t have any real advice but I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. I had a horribly strained relationship with my own mother and she passed away in 2005. There are many days that I breathe a sigh of relief that she is no longer suffering on earth because she was clearly mentally ill as well. The pain that she inflicted while she was alive has nearly vanished as time passes and I believe it or not I can hold on to some good memories. Hugs to you, PG

 

[Devoted0702]

I have the same issue with my mother as well. My whole life we were all plagued by her negativity and rude remarks towards us. It’s VERY difficult. Although we usually feel “guilty” if we are distant or become hardened by their behaviors; it’s important to recognize always that we are adults and human beings and no one deserves to be emotionally battered, not by our mothers and especially not by anyone else.
I usually just take a step back, and let her get it all out while she’s on a roll. I don’t retaliate with any animosity or become defensive/argumentative. The best tactic for me, is to just let her have her “moment” and then, proceed with my day. I don’t know what or why she behaves that way, I just pray for her. And that’s all we can do.
I will say an extra prayer for your mother as well- that perhaps she finds a bit of peace in her heart and compassion for her children to be more kinder <3

 

[Viki63]

It’s not necessary to assume demon possession, when someone may be suffering from borderline personality disorder or some similar illness.
Sandra, it’s not a sin to protect yourself and your children from out of control behavior. Your first responsibility is to your family, and to take care of them you must first take care of your own mental and physical health. Pray for your mother, but when in contact with her, end the contact as soon as she becomes mean.
God bless.

 

[oldgraymare2]

I personally don’t think that it’s a sin at all to distance yourself from your Mom when she’s displaying toxic behavior towards you.

I try my best to keep a distance from someone who is being deliberately unkind, especially when the behavior is repeated.

Even if you try and talk to them about how hurtful that type of behavior is towards you, most of the time I have found that someone who is like that will either deny that they act like that, or they’ll try and repeatedly excuse their behavior in some way by saying that they were tired, under stress, and so on.

My Mom exhibits Narcissistic behavior and has also been verbally toxic.

As I have gotten older, I tend to think this way about toxic family members especially:

We can be kind and civil without having to be too close to them if they are acting in a way that is malicious and hurtful to us.

We can limit the time of our visits with them, and we can also limit the amount of time that we spend on the phone with them, too.

Your well-being and that of your family is very important.

 

[Norseman82]

People hurting people happens all the time. It’s unavoidable.
It’s when you translate a hurt into a perpetual negative feeling can it become sinful.

Having the right tools in your toolbox is what’s needed.
I like Legend’s training method and I’m sure there are many others available.

Legend:

Treat your mother respectfully, but, once this behavior

begins, make an excuse, and leave!

Just don’t expect any positive results. Doing so, may lead you to judgemental thoughts, words and actions.

If it’s a choice between judgmental thoughts/words/actions and letting your family be abused by her, which is worse?

 

[Norseman82]

Sandra, it’s not a sin to protect yourself and your children from out of control behavior. Your first responsibility is to your family, and to take care of them you must first take care of your own mental and physical health. Pray for your mother, but when in contact with her, end the contact as soon as she becomes mean.

I agree with the above. As they say in combat sports, “Protect yourself at all times”. In fact, I don’t believe it is a sin to tell her bluntly “YOU ARE OUT OF LINE” (it’s just a matter of being ready for a battle, although, in my opinion, the war is already on).

I don’t know if I saw whether the OP has a husband and kids. If there are kids involved that could add a whole new dynamic (meaning now we have the issue of protecting the kids).

 

[Legend]

Re-read the OP’s first post. She has Kids, and before the COVID problem, had been visiting her mother weekly, taking her Kids along. She definitely should keep up the social distancing, maybe increasing it. It’s very true, these days…we must protect ourselves, and our kids!