Struggle with adult daughter, how can I do this!

[rita4637]

I am in a state of despair and need some sound Catholic perspective advice. My daughter just turned 18 and she is a quiet, private personality. Where we live the drinking age is 18, and I know she will drink so I am trying to supervise and advise and help her to be responsible if she is out with friends and chooses to have a drink. She has done this and I have seen no evidence of her drinking excessively. However, I accidentally saw a text conversation she left up and it jumped out at me, where where she said “I will never get drunk again!” But maybe she was joking i don’t know i didnt see any sign of it. Also, against my advice, she has a boyfriend. I have reservations about this but he seemed like a nice young man, and he asked me to be his friend on facebook. She was upset about this, and told me that she would “make” him unfriend me. two days later, he has unfriended me. I also know from another source that she has been invited to a party where the person is turning 18. She asked to have a “sleep over” at a friends house that night (the one wants her to go to the party) but when I asked her if they would be going to a party, she said no. Also, she “unfriended” me on facebook the day after I saw her with the boyfriend exhibiting an enormous amount of what I would call a “public display of affection” which I did not confront her on in the act, because I didn’t want to embarrass her in public (at a festival/barbecue). I talked to her about it later, and as a result she admitted to having a boyfriend. Until then I didn’t know. I have been really trying to give her space, she is an adult, but young and inexperienced and still in secondary school and totally dependent on me. I don’t want to over react, and hover over her. She is a very private person and will make her own mistakes. But, I am still her mom and she has a ways to go to make it to self sufficient adulthood. I am single (widowed) and have other children as well. I just don’t know how to deal with her very private personality, my feelings get hurt that she hides things and doesn’t want me to be friendly with her friends, but thats not the important thing. I worry that she is hiding things at all, that she isn’t open and honest, and I don’t know how to be an effective parent to her. She attends mass with the family without complaining, but I require that. I really don’t know if she would go on her own.

 

[BingoBoy]

I think you said it yourself. She’s an adult.

You need to get used to the idea of letting her go and letting her have her space.

I’m not sure exactly what you are so worried about.

She goes to parties.
She has a boyfriend.
She doesn’t want her mom stalking her on facebook.
She got drunk and said she wasn’t going to do it again.
She had a facebook picture of herself kissing her boyfriend.

What’s the big deal? Doesn’t sound like there’s any need for concern to me.

The fact that you keep checking out her facebook and reading her text messages leads me to believe she is completely justified in pulling back a little bit and wanting some privacy. The more you prod, the more she’s going to pull away.

 

[EasterJoy]

I assume you’re bringing up whether or not she’d attend Mass or not as some measure of her level of personal piety. If not, though, do not get hung up about whether she’d go to Mass if you were there to make her. She goes and she does not complain–do not look a gift horse in the mouth. Concern yourself with issues you actually have and temptations she’s actually dealing with.

What does she say when you talk to her? What are her concerns about you knowing too much about her life? What are your concerns when she attempts to keep such a high level of privacy? I say “a high level of privacy”, because as you might point out to her, if you were currently living with her grandparents–for instance, because you were temporarily out of work–you would not have any trouble telling them where you went, with whom, and how much you drank, even if that was too much. You wouldn’t be afraid of your friends becoming their friends, not unless it was your acquaintances trying to go too fast into friendship by getting chummy with the extended family. This might have been what she actually feared that young man was trying to pull on her! If she knows that you are going to let her decide which of her acquaintances are allowed into the family circle, she might be a little less controlling about who is allowed to get on your “friends” list.

She may be afraid that you will not let her run her own life if she tells you what decisions she’s making. She may think you’ll give her a lot of advice. You, OTOH, may just want to know, as your mother would want to know if she had you living with her, where you are and who you are with, so if anything happens to you there would be no delay in the realization that something was amiss.

It may be, too, that she is old enough for you to tell her more about yourself and your past, the things you’ve learned through your own experience and the experiences of friends. It may be that because you can’t help treating her like an adult (albeit an adult who lives with you and doesn’t pay for her room and board), then you may as well start treating each other like adults. After all, the day will be coming when she will be your age and you will be older yet, and she may think that she knows better than you do how you ought to run your life. You may as well establish now that you aren’t treating her like a child now because she is a very young adult precisely because you want her to understand you have no intention of letting her treat you like a child when you are a very old one. After all, this oldest daughter is probably the one who will be either defending you or interfering you when you get to be that age. Groom her to do the right thing!

This tack may also ease her fears a bit, and help her to transition into the next phase of your lives, where you are both adults, you the adult parent and she the adult child, each taking care of the other as fellow adults, each of whom knows more about something than the other, but each of whom also has her own decisions to make for herself.

OTOH, maybe she’s just private by nature and does not like anyone to know too much about her. That is a temperament type, it is neither right nor wrong. If that is the case, then choose carefully what information you actually need to have in order to suit your own comfort level. Be willing to hold yourself back on the rest, and respect her desire to keep some secrets. Try to come to a meeting of the minds with her about it, though, by talking about it.

 

[rita4637]

thank you for this. this is probably exactly what i need to hear! I just worry, and then I dismiss it, and then I second guess and think - wait, maybe I should do something! But I didn’t stalk her on facebook, I actually SAW her with the boyfriend, and it was inappropriate behavior on her part, no question. I don’t think I would stalk anyone on facebook… tho I am not exactly sure what that means

Thank you for responding!

 

[Keras]

I think you should try to respect your daughter’s wishes and that pressuring her to do something against those wishes might be counterproductive in the long run; I mean, she’s old enough to decide for herself what she really wants.

But I do think, as her mother, you could always try and counsel her on what is best for her, and that it’s easy to make mistakes but difficult to undo them.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I think you said it yourself. She’s an adult.

You need to get used to the idea of letting her go and letting her have her space.

I’m not sure exactly what you are so worried about.

She goes to parties.
She has a boyfriend.
She doesn’t want her mom stalking her on facebook.
She got drunk and said she wasn’t going to do it again.
She had a facebook picture of herself kissing her boyfriend.

What’s the big deal? Doesn’t sound like there’s any need for concern to me.

The fact that you keep checking out her facebook and reading her text messages leads me to believe she is completely justified in pulling back a little bit and wanting some privacy. The more you prod, the more she’s going to pull away.

I agree with this. I don’t see what the big deal is. It would be different if you kept catching her drunk or having a hangover. If she just doing normal and typical young adult, be thankful. Things could be A LOT worse.

 

[ElizMary]

Oh gosh, I feel your pain (fear really) as I have 3 daughters and the youngest is 19 and attending community college this year and she is living at home. We are pretty close and she does share with me, however, that doesn’t mean I approve of everything she does. But she is 19 and as long as she abides by house rules, and does well in school, and treats us with respect, I cannot complain.

I’m sure you’re already praying for your daughter and know that you don’t really have control over who she dates, etc. My experience is that at this time of my daughter’s life, she needs to learn to fly and probably she will make some mistakes for which she will need to accept responsibility for. She knows she can come to me if she is in trouble, but she also knows she is the one that has to walk the walk. (I have my own walk to walk )

Hang in there, Mom!

Prayers & Hugs!