Struggling and need suggestions

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Theresaj

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I am struggling with anger and resentment. I pray daily to leave this at the foot of our Lord’s Cross because of his love for me. I know that what I resent is not going to change, and that I must become more Saint like in my suffering and offer that suffering up for the salvation of my loved ones and those who have gone before me. I know this, I pray for this, I struggle with this daily. I fail daily. I am hopeful that someone might have some thoughts on how to overcome my own willful heart.

Thank you
 
Now this is a thread I’ll follow - I have my own similar struggle.
I hope we see some wise advice on this, besides praying for those with whom we are angry. I do that already.
Also in this struggle I find lack of forgiveness to be a part of it. I think this may just be a package deal - anger, resentment, no forgiveness. 😦
 
Theresaj said:
I am struggling with anger and resentment. I pray daily to leave this at the foot of our Lord’s Cross because of his love for me. I know that what I resent is not going to change, and that I must become more Saint like in my suffering and offer that suffering up for the salvation of my loved ones and those who have gone before me. I know this, I pray for this, I struggle with this daily. I fail daily. I am hopeful that someone might have some thoughts on how to overcome my own willful heart.

Thank you
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Can you elaborate a little on your situation?
 
Struggling greatly with those two very things right now. Bring them to confession. Keep bringing them.

Advice from my confessor: (1) Every day, offer the anger to God. Not because it is wrong [he referred to it as righteous anger in my case] but so that God can help you channel it. (2) Every day, ask God to help you be has patient with (name of person) as He (God) is with you.

I try to do these two things every morning at Mass. It helps.

I think, too, as IrishRush said that unforgiveness is part of the package. It is so hard to forgive…it is as if not forgiving keeps us from being hurt again. As if the anger and resentment form a protective coating around our hearts. Letting it go leaves us vulnerable again. My priest has said that sometimes when we are having trouble forgiving, we have to ask to at least be willing to forgive. Gotta start somewhere.

Journaling has helped me. Making sure that I take care of me has also helped. Being a doormat is not God’s plan for me. Lately, standing in front of the tabernacle in an empty church and asking God to take the anger and fix the situation. I have no idea what else to do. I surrender.
 
Are you able to pray for the person who hurt you? Leave your anger at the foot of the cross and pray for that person…every day. If you cannot do this, then ask for the grace to be able to. I have found all of this is necessary for forgiveness.

Also, remember forgiveness does not mean you need to reconcile with the person. You can let go of the anger and resentment…give them to Jesus. Ask him to heal you and fill you with light and love. None of that means you need to have a relationship with someone who cannot be trusted. Sometimes people hang on to the anger because they believe that forgiving means you must act as if nothing ever happened. That isn’t the case.

Do you live with this person? Of course that will make all of this harder if the wounds are constantly being reopened…
 
acadian said:
Struggling greatly with those two very things right now. Bring them to confession. Keep bringing them.

Advice from my confessor: (1) Every day, offer the anger to God. Not because it is wrong [he referred to it as righteous anger in my case] but so that God can help you channel it. (2) Every day, ask God to help you be has patient with (name of person) as He (God) is with you.

I try to do these two things every morning at Mass. It helps.

I think, too, as IrishRush said that unforgiveness is part of the package. It is so hard to forgive…it is as if not forgiving keeps us from being hurt again. As if the anger and resentment form a protective coating around our hearts. Letting it go leaves us vulnerable again. My priest has said that sometimes when we are having trouble forgiving, we have to ask to at least be willing to forgive. Gotta start somewhere.
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That’s how I’ve always felt about the justifiable anger, like it’s protecting me from being hurt again and it gives me a prideful feeling somehow. The problem is it creates baggage that you carry into other relationships and affects the way you interact with people. I like what your confessor instructed you to do. I also wanted to add that for me the act of forgiving seemed to me that whatever they did was acceptable and they were let off the hook and I would just turn the other cheek–I hated that concept! Some advice I was given was- I had a right to be angry and I could forgive them but it didn’t mean I had to like what they did, or them, or that I would have to trust them again. I could forgive the person so then I wouldn’t have to be preoccupied with whatever I was resentful about. That’s the only way I could wrap my mind around this whole forgiveness thing. Mmmm…There’s just some people I straight up don’t like but God willing maybe someday I’ll be a better person.
 
I am in a situation where we take care of a relative, and have for years. This person is selfish and self centered so no matter what we do they always want more. They manipulate my husband who feels obligated, in a manner I also resent and honestly don’t comprehend, to continually do more and more. If I even suggested we shouldn’t do something the way they want I am told that I know the way this person is and to just give them what they want for peace. That is situation in a nutshell . Yes, this relative has lived with my family for over 7 years, and are just now old enough to retire, although they haven’t worked in over 1 0 years and we have supported them.
 
OK, so it sounds like there is constant contact, which is harder. A person like this won’t back down unless someone stands up to them. If your husband is unable to do that, then pray too that he be given the grace to see the need to set boundaries with this person. Do what you can to have peace…take time to take a break from the person…and tell your husband why you need that. Ask the priest to help if is causing problems between you and your husband. But most of all pray for the grace to be able to forgive and endure the trial. I will pray for you.
 
There are some sins that appear to happen in a random fashion; and others happen in a familial form as if the behavior keeps getting passed from generation to generation. It can feel like a curse. I pray for my family to break free of such repetitive sins or “curses”, and do what I can to learn about and stop contributing to such sins. I stick my neck out when I can and seek support from others who are sympathetic. A good memory can make these situations prolonged. A faulty memory can create mayhem.

Jesus said “Forgive 70 times 7” and that means that forgiveness is not an easy process. I have to continually remind myself to forgive old events again and again. I accept this even though it has been a long, hard road. Somewhere along the way I have learned to empathize with others who have suffered from alcoholic, abusive, dysfunctional relatives. I have learned about victims and victimizers who were once victims themselves. Ignorance might be bliss but knowledge from experience can create the greatest wisdom.
 
acadian said:
Struggling greatly with those two very things right now. Bring them to confession. Keep bringing them.

Advice from my confessor: (1) Every day, offer the anger to God. Not because it is wrong [he referred to it as righteous anger in my case] but so that God can help you channel it. (2) Every day, ask God to help you be has patient with (name of person) as He (God) is with you.
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I really like the advice from your confessor. I do pray for this person daily. I know it is me that has to change, no one else is willing to. I must also work on forgiving everyone involved.
 
My confessor is awesome. 🙂

One more possible suggestion. There is a book called “Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You.” It’s a good read, and it sounds like that is what you are dealing with. Bought my copy on ebay for about $6.
 
You and your husband are doing a very charitable thing by helping a relative in need. May Our Lord grant you patience and strength, perseverance and great trust in Him, and an increase in faith, hope and charity. Try not to focus on your relatives selfishness; pity him/her and give until it hurts, without counting the cost – you will reap a very great reward for yourself in Heaven. If your relative is very selfish and manipulative, you should fraternally correct them so they can stop sinning and grow spiritually, and so things at home can improve. God bless you.
 
Theresaj said:
I am in a situation where we take care of a relative, and have for years. This person is selfish and self centered so no matter what we do they always want more. They manipulate my husband who feels obligated, in a manner I also resent and honestly don’t comprehend, to continually do more and more. If I even suggested we shouldn’t do something the way they want I am told that I know the way this person is and to just give them what they want for peace. That is situation in a nutshell . Yes, this relative has lived with my family for over 7 years, and are just now old enough to retire, although they haven’t worked in over 1 0 years and we have supported them.
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Wow, you are in a pickle. So this relative is living in your house and I take it they’re an in law? I can only imagine what a strain this must be for your life and your marriage. You should be commended for taking on that kind of responsibility-not many people would. I’m in the nursing field and have worked in long term care most of my adult life so I know what a challenge that can be even for a 8 or 12 hr. shift, let alone 24/7. Someone else posted something about boundaries? You definitely need those in place, especially when someone is as manipulative as you stated. Some places offer care giver support groups-that might help if they’re available. The most important thing you have to keep in mind is that you have to take care of yourself too. I don’t believe God wants us to be broken down mentally and physically by a tyrant-no matter how sick they are. Please take care of yourself. I hope you have someone close you can talk to for support, advice. Maybe, you and your spouse can look into other options for this relative? Maybe they would be better off in another setting? Seven years is a long time, I think that goes above and beyond the call of duty-especially if they’re ungrateful.
 
Thanks to everyone for their replies. I feel the burden lifting by the prayers I feel from others, and the Holy Spirit’s great goodness. I will continue to pray daily for them, to lay this small suffering at the foot of our Lords Cross and offer it up for the conversion of souls. I know there will be days I struggle, but your responses and prayers have been felt.

God Bless
 
Theresaj said:
Thanks to everyone for their replies. I feel the burden lifting by the prayers I feel from others, and the Holy Spirit’s great goodness. I will continue to pray daily for them, to lay this small suffering at the foot of our Lords Cross and offer it up for the conversion of souls. I know there will be days I struggle, but your responses and prayers have been felt.

God Bless
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I am glad to hear that you are able to do this. I pray with time that this cross will be easier for you to bear and that the person who is causing you so much pain will be healed.

May the LORD bless you and keep you! May the LORD let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you! May the LORD look upon you kindly and give you peace!
 
i think forgiveness is the best way to get rid of anger and resentment. i will pray for you im sorry for the loss of words in this post but i will pray for you and i know that as you dulge deeper in the faith, wiht prayer and hope youwill overcome everything
 
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