Struggling to face reality of marriage

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bumby

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I have posted on here before about my marriage. My husband and I are coming up for 10 years of marriage. Most of those, if not all, have been fraught with tension over sex and intimacy. I am 31 and have begun to daydream about life with other men which I know is a sin. I have begun to stop caring. I had the opportunity to go to confession earlier but I didn’t go because I was not sorry for thinking of others and wondering about a life where I was satisfied sexually. I cannot accept that this is it for the rest of my life. We are due to go to counselling very soon but I do not believe anything will change.

Has anybody been through this and turned it around? If so, how?
 
I’ve found that if you don’t “want to” do what is needed to save or improve your marriage but you do “want to want to,” your situation is not too far gone. Part of what counselling will help you to do is to see your situation in new ways so that your outlook may change.

I guess the other thing is to remind yourself that the grass really isn’t greener somewhere else. There are things about your husband that you are probably taking for granted because you are choosing to put a lot of weight on what is bothering you and not a lot of weight on the things you are taking for granted. He may be doing the same.

Even if your marriage were a candidate for annulment–that is, if it is invalid and there were some chance for you to enter into a valid marriage with some other man while your husband still lives–people far too often go from one wrong relationship that cannot work to a second one with, in the end, all the same flaws. That happens because they do not know what went wrong the first time or what made them prone to make the mistakes that of course they would have never made in the first place if they understood themselves better.

If you accomplish nothing else in counselling, resolve that you will find out how you got where you are and what you need to work on in yourself to keep it from ever happening again. That is a good place to start, because you don’t have to have confidence in your marriage to convince yourself that working on yourself will yield some positive outcome. You do have to convince yourself that your hard work will yield something positive, or you’ll have a hard time putting in the energy and hope that you’ll need to succeed.
 
what are the issues surrounding lack of intimacy?
do you work? if so, full time or part time?
do you have kids? how many and how old is the youngest?

does your husband work?
have there been any changes to his work/career - change in hours, change in position etc etc?
how old is your husband - there coulf be age relatedhormonl or emotional issues involved?
 
I think there is hope.

I remember some of your previous posts. I am sorry you have been going through this. Please keep seeking help and pray for the right guidance. Many years ago, when I was married for 10 years, I prayed for help and I decided I needed to go to confession and ask Father, who did he recommend for counseling. I was suffering the first couple years of a nasty misdiagnosed illness which was sucking the life out of me and making me beyond grumpy. (I sometimes am reminded how horrible I felt, and I am amazed that we weathered life together as well as we did. It was not fun at all.) Father gave me a name and confidence that this person would be the person to see or that he too would direct me to the right person.

Heaven Sent help.

No, my life didn’t become perfect overnight, I happened to stay sick for several years before I found out how to manage my illness. But, we were given GREAT advice and help.

I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this for almost 10 years. Ask St. Rita and St. Joseph to help you.

I will pray for you Bumby.
 
JoyousCatholic said:
what are the issues surrounding lack of intimacy?
do you work? if so, full time or part time?
do you have kids? how many and how old is the youngest?

does your husband work?
have there been any changes to his work/career - change in hours, change in position etc etc?
how old is your husband - there coulf be age relatedhormonl or emotional issues involved?
Click to expand...
I work full time as does my husband. We’ve two children who are at primary school. They’re both good kids with, thank God, no health issues and are happy. Neither of us has any major health issues. I had postnatal depression and have had two relapses but are managed with medication and I hope to be free of medication soon. My husband has been in the same job for nearly 8 years. It is stressful but so is my job.

My husband is 30, and I should have added had tests recently that showed hormone levels were normal. I have asked all the usual questions of him and received a no so I am at a loss there.
 
egretps said:
I think there is hope.

I remember some of your previous posts. I am sorry you have been going through this. Please keep seeking help and pray for the right guidance. Many years ago, when I was married for 10 years, I prayed for help and I decided I needed to go to confession and ask Father, who did he recommend for counseling. I was suffering the first couple years of a nasty misdiagnosed illness which was sucking the life out of me and making me beyond grumpy. (I sometimes am reminded how horrible I felt, and I am amazed that we weathered life together as well as we did. It was not fun at all.) Father gave me a name and confidence that this person would be the person to see or that he too would direct me to the right person.

Heaven Sent help.

No, my life didn’t become perfect overnight, I happened to stay sick for several years before I found out how to manage my illness. But, we were given GREAT advice and help.

I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this for almost 10 years. Ask St. Rita and St. Joseph to help you.

I will pray for you Bumby.
Click to expand...
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Xx
 
bumby said:
I have posted on here before about my marriage. My husband and I are coming up for 10 years of marriage. Most of those, if not all, have been fraught with tension over sex and intimacy. I am 31 and have begun to daydream about life with other men which I know is a sin. I have begun to stop caring. I had the opportunity to go to confession earlier but I didn’t go because I was not sorry for thinking of others and wondering about a life where I was satisfied sexually. I cannot accept that this is it for the rest of my life. We are due to go to counselling very soon but I do not believe anything will change.

Has anybody been through this and turned it around? If so, how?
Click to expand...
My husband and I are both in the psych field, and we recommend The Gottman institute to couples all the time. I would suggest reading what you can on their website, and then perhaps getting one of Gottman’s books to read. gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/ We aren’t affiliated with him in any way, we have found in our practices that his method seems to hit on many things we see in relationships across the board.
 
bumby said:
I have posted on here before about my marriage. My husband and I are coming up for 10 years of marriage. Most of those, if not all, have been fraught with tension over sex and intimacy. I am 31 and have begun to daydream about life with other men which I know is a sin. I have begun to stop caring. I had the opportunity to go to confession earlier but I didn’t go because I was not sorry for thinking of others and wondering about a life where I was satisfied sexually. I cannot accept that this is it for the rest of my life. We are due to go to counselling very soon but I do not believe anything will change.

Has anybody been through this and turned it around? If so, how?
Click to expand...
I’m sorry you are going through this. I have been going through this and am still going through this. It has only gotten much worse for me. I hope it changes for the better in your marriage.
 
All I can offer are prayers…

For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world…

Our Father
Hail Mary x10
Glory Be
Fatima
Amen
 
Kliska said:
My husband and I are both in the psych field, and we recommend The Gottman institute to couples all the time. I would suggest reading what you can on their website, and then perhaps getting one of Gottman’s books to read. gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/ We aren’t affiliated with him in any way, we have found in our practices that his method seems to hit on many things we see in relationships across the board.
Click to expand...
His books are often available for a test drive at the library, too. I’d say they have good advice on how to complain, how to field complaints and how to handle tensions that arise from conflicts within a family. Every family has them. Having them without inadvertently talking past each other and without racking up building animosity over past hurts requires some skills that we aren’t born with.
 
Would you consider yourself and your husband open to life (i.e. procreation)?
 
bumby said:
I work full time as does my husband. We’ve two children who are at primary school. They’re both good kids with, thank God, no health issues and are happy. Neither of us has any major health issues. I had postnatal depression and have had two relapses but are managed with medication and I hope to be free of medication soon. My husband has been in the same job for nearly 8 years. It is stressful but so is my job.

My husband is 30, and I should have added had tests recently that showed hormone levels were normal. I have asked all the usual questions of him and received a no so I am at a loss there.
Click to expand...
perhaps you two should time reconnecting with each other again. try to have date nights at least once a fortnight; book a weekend trip away once every two months - do these without the kids in tow; schedule these as due to both of you working, it is easy to get carried away with humdrum of life and work.
book time away for yourself…spend a day with your girl friends or family, without the kids. Allowing him to miss you occasionally can help break the monotony and familiarity.
 
I don’t mean to be nosy, but since you brought it up, what’s the issue with your sexual relationship? Why is it so bad?
 
bumby said:
I work full time as does my husband. We’ve two children who are at primary school. They’re both good kids with, thank God, no health issues and are happy. Neither of us has any major health issues. I had postnatal depression and have had two relapses but are managed with medication and I hope to be free of medication soon. My husband has been in the same job for nearly 8 years. It is stressful but so is my job.

My husband is 30, and I should have added had tests recently that showed hormone levels were normal. I have asked all the usual questions of him and received a no so I am at a loss there.
Click to expand...
Some medications do inhibit the libido as well as job stress! I’m sure the PPD has a lot to do with this situation. Don’t be ashamed of counseling. Think of it as a ‘tune-up’ or brain management. My husband and I (29 years married) are having marital issues as well. We are working our way through. I came to the understanding that a marriage is like a house or a garden - if you don’t do regular maintenance, the house will fall apart or the garden will become overgrown with weeds. External stress from jobs, etc… are like storms or weeds. Regular maintenance would be to set aside time for dates (no kids) or even times just to have 30 minutes a week of time to talk quietly and cuddle. You are not in this alone. God wants you to have a good marriage - allow HIM through the Holy Spirit to heal you!

IMHO - anytime someone is taking a psyc med - they should also be involved in some sort of talk therapy at the same time. This is a more holistic approach.
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
I don’t mean to be nosy, but since you brought it up, what’s the issue with your sexual relationship? Why is it so bad?
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I’m sorry if I didn’t make it clear. It’s very infrequent, we rarely kiss and I feel i’m not allowed to be sexual.
 
Bumby, I’m so sorry for this difficult marriage. I actually went back to re-read your old posts and I remember reading them back in 2010.

I know back then (and since) you had received various pieces of advice. Did counseling ever pan out before, or is this the first time you’ll have a chance to go together? I’m just curious - no judgement. I know how life can escape from us. If you haven’t gone before, hold out hope that you might learn something about your husband that will be useful to addressing the issue or hear him phrase it in a way that helps you understand him better or else that he will hear you anew. And the counselor might have good advice, especially if he approaches it from a Catholic perspective.
 
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