Struggling to join the Church

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SurlyMermaid

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Hello,

I’ve been trying to join the Church for two years now. The issue is an annulment from a marriage from when I was very young. I have to receive an annulment in order to complete RCIA and join the Church because I am now married to a (lapsed Catholic). We married before I began my faith journey.

I’m struggling hard right now. I managed to cobble a couple of witnesses together; I just don’t have contact with folks who were around during the marriage. It was a different time for me… tattoos, drinking, immorality. The few witnesses I found backed out and several people bluntly said they despise the Church and will not help me join.

The Diocese just sent me a letter saying they have not heard from any of the witnesses and soon I must have other witnesses or they will “assume * no longer interested in pursuing the annulment.”

I feel quite discouraged right now. It’s hard to talk to anyone at our parish here.The guidance I was given was to direct questions to our diocese office. I’m stressing out and worrying that the annulment won’t go through and I will not be able to join the Church. What if I can’t find any witnesses? No one seems willing to help me. I’m scared I won’t be able to join.

I started RCIA (for the third time!) a couple of days ago. My joy was gone. I felt so much sadness. I looked around and was so happy for everyone there but felt like an outsider. I just wanted to run out of the room. I feel so discouraged right now. I didn’t even want to take my daughter from CCD to Mass afterward–I felt like, “Oh, what’s the use?”😦

I got home to Facebook posts from friends about how they love their non-denom/United Methodist/etc. church homes and how they are being fed spiritually, and all the work they are doing in the community. This discouraged me even more! :eek:

It occurs to me that I do need to pray, and hard about this. Part of me feels that God is holding me back for some reason. There must be a reason! I’m not a patient person sometimes and this could be a teaching moment. 👍

Thanks. I just wanted to vent and share my feelings. :grouphug:

SM*
 
I do not understand the need for annulment . We’re you married to a Catholic, and in a valid Catholic marriage the first time ?
 
Don’t listen to your feelings because you are discouraged and don’t fall into the trap that you are viewing everyone as happy and smiley and you are not. First of all, were you told that you are in need of an annulment? Second, follow through with the diocese office of annulment, make a face to face appointment and talk about your situation. The priest or deacon at the parish should help you with this as well. You are in my prayers, don’t give up.
 
Please do not give up. Our Lord loves you and wants you to be in the Catholic church. Please keep taking your daughter to CCD and go to mass afterwords. Pray for spiritual communion when everyone else goes up for communion. That part was really hard for me. I used to fight back many tears during that time.

You are right you should pray about this. The Lord has reasons for this, and he will help you get through it. It took me more than 3 years to be able to enter the church. I was in despair quite a few times, but looking back I can see the reasons now, and I am happy it went down the way it did. The Lord helped me in many ways. Reading Romans 8:28 gave me much comfort.

Isn’t there a priest serving as your advocate? There should be someone available too answer your questions about witnesses, etc…
 
SurlyMermaid said:
The Diocese just sent me a letter saying they have not heard from any of the witnesses and soon I must have other witnesses or they will “assume * no longer interested in pursuing the annulment.”
*

Congratulation on joining the Church.

Did you contact the Diocese office and let them know that you are very interested?

They will help walk you through what to do. There are many couples who have problems with their witnesses.

Take action today by calling the Diocese. There may be someone they assign to work with you.
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I have a friend who got an annulment although her (ex) husband refused to be involved and she also got no witnesses from his side. I wonder if your case could be investigated without witnesses. I am no expert, but it seems that circumstances are always taken into account.

Carry on with RCIA and give this over to God. Please don’t lose hope.
 
May God richly bless you for your perseverence.
I don’t know the particulars of annulment. I’m sure you do very well now.

I do know that one lady took three years for her annulment to go through, and she became Catholic, and then married her fiance. She was a testimony to faith and love to all who shared her class, as I know that you will as well.

I believe that the Lord truly blesses in many ways those who “Wait on the Lord” Who knows… by the end of this year, you’ll probably be ready to teach RCIA as well, or at least know more than many people sitting in the pews.

Praying for a successful outcome for you. The Eucharist awaits.
 
Are they telling you you still need to attend RCIA? Maybe since you’ve been through twice and have children, they’ll keep you on the list but not require attendance?

Also, prayer is always good in these situations. Pray novenas for the witnesses, maybe to Sts Monica and Augustine, sounds like they could probably use the help 😉

How wonderful it is that God led you out of sin and that you responded to His call!
 
I know your pain!

I was married and divorced when I was younger and not Christian. I was Pagan, then Atheist, and then Agnostic. I was also living a similar lifestyle to what you describe back then. Tattoos, drinking, occasional drug use, immorality, etc. And I also married a lapsed Catholic and when he returned to the Church I decided to join him.

I am currently in RCIA and awaiting an annulment. I am hoping and praying that the process goes smoothly and the decree of nullity is granted within the next year, but even that seems like a long time as I am also a not very patient person.

I know how tempting it is to just give up and go to a Methodist or Lutheran or Episcopalian church instead. But I also know that the Church respects all marriages, civil or otherwise, and I understand why my previous marriage must be declared invalid before I can move forward. I see it like this: By respecting my previous marriage the Church is showing that it is firm in it’s respect for marriages and will respect and help support my current and real marriage when all is said and done and my husband and I can convalidate.

I agree with the others. Your witnesses may be unwilling to help and I am sure this is not an uncommon problem. Contact the your Procurator/Advocate and the diocese office. Explain the situation, including your long wait and frustration and pain. They will do their best to help you!

If it’s any help, I had a couple of witnesses that were not interested in helping because of their dislike of the Church. I explained to my friends that I understand their dislike of the Catholic Church and I asked that they see it less as being involved in any way with the Church and more as helping a friend (me) find closure, resolution, and peace. It’s responding to a letter and a possible phone interview. I don’t think that is too much to ask of a friend.

And my ex is a Pagan who despises the Church. I asked my ex, who does not want to participate in any Church process, to simply write “I am not Christian and do not wish to participate in the annulment process.” on the letter he will receive and send it back so that I am not needlessly delayed. He says he will, but who knows?
 
SurlyMermaid said:
Hello,

I’ve been trying to join the Church for two years now. The issue is an annulment from a marriage from when I was very young. I have to receive an annulment in order to complete RCIA and join the Church because I am now married to a (lapsed Catholic). We married before I began my faith journey.

I’m struggling hard right now. I managed to cobble a couple of witnesses together; I just don’t have contact with folks who were around during the marriage. It was a different time for me… tattoos, drinking, immorality. The few witnesses I found backed out and several people bluntly said they despise the Church and will not help me join.

The Diocese just sent me a letter saying they have not heard from any of the witnesses and soon I must have other witnesses or they will “assume * no longer interested in pursuing the annulment.”

I feel quite discouraged right now. It’s hard to talk to anyone at our parish here.The guidance I was given was to direct questions to our diocese office. I’m stressing out and worrying that the annulment won’t go through and I will not be able to join the Church. What if I can’t find any witnesses? No one seems willing to help me. I’m scared I won’t be able to join.

I started RCIA (for the third time!) a couple of days ago. My joy was gone. I felt so much sadness. I looked around and was so happy for everyone there but felt like an outsider. I just wanted to run out of the room. I feel so discouraged right now. I didn’t even want to take my daughter from CCD to Mass afterward–I felt like, “Oh, what’s the use?”😦

I got home to Facebook posts from friends about how they love their non-denom/United Methodist/etc. church homes and how they are being fed spiritually, and all the work they are doing in the community. This discouraged me even more! :eek:

It occurs to me that I do need to pray, and hard about this. Part of me feels that God is holding me back for some reason. There must be a reason! I’m not a patient person sometimes and this could be a teaching moment. 👍

Thanks. I just wanted to vent and share my feelings. :grouphug:

SM*

You have to follow the procedures. One solution would be to separat from the man you are living with now ( in the eyes of the Church you are not married to him at all). That won’t be easy to do I suppose but it appears to be the only solution if you want to join the Church. And since you do want to join the Church, this is God’s way of telling you, " O.K., I will just test your sincerity."

Hey, I’ve bee single all my life ( 74 now ) and I just don’t see why more people don’t remain single. It releases one from a lot of hear aches but it can get a little lonely at times. But the sex thing has never been a problem for me. I mean I can live without it, no big deal. People make too much of that.

Linus2bd
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Dont get discouraged. Pray for the Holy Spirit to continue to give you strength and courage to continue with the Church. Get involved with the Church.

in 1990 i tried to join the church and would have to get annulments for my husband and his previous wives. he wouldnt agree to try. i got discouraged and disheartened and then i got angry with the church because i felt they were telling me i wasnt good enough or worthy enough. i left. i am still in the same boat but God (and the Holy Mother) started calling me back again. i tried to bargain my way into another denomination and kept reminding Jesus that i would not be able to join and be in full communion with the Catholic Church. one day as i a passed a Lutheran Church, i asked Jesus “what about that one?, i could join it” and a very calm and peaceful voice said “thats not what I asked.” So, i started going to the Catholic Church again last year, i go to Mass and pray. i help the CCW and volunteer to do things around the church like helping with the annual book sale and fundraisers. it keeps me from getting too discouraged, it gives me strength. God knows i cant be in full communion (yet) but he knows he can use me there and its his will that i stay there. Everyone that i meet and work with welcome me, i can feel that they care and that gives me strength. Sure, some Sundays i cry all the way home because i cant receive, but i pray and pray the rosary and i remind God that one day, i want to be that close and that worthy to be in full Holy communion with him.

God’s will can be hard when we focus on what we cant do (like receiving communion and confession) instead ask him to work us into his will in his way (show us what we can do for the church). dont give up, stay in the truth of the Catholic Church and find where you can still fit in even if you cant be a full member yet.
 
dee_burk said:
Dont get discouraged. Pray for the Holy Spirit to continue to give you strength and courage to continue with the Church. Get involved with the Church.

in 1990 i tried to join the church and would have to get annulments for my husband and his previous wives. he wouldnt agree to try. i got discouraged and disheartened and then i got angry with the church because i felt they were telling me i wasnt good enough or worthy enough. i left. i am still in the same boat but God (and the Holy Mother) started calling me back again. i tried to bargain my way into another denomination and kept reminding Jesus that i would not be able to join and be in full communion with the Catholic Church. one day as i a passed a Lutheran Church, i asked Jesus “what about that one?, i could join it” and a very calm and peaceful voice said “thats not what I asked.” So, i started going to the Catholic Church again last year, i go to Mass and pray. i help the CCW and volunteer to do things around the church like helping with the annual book sale and fundraisers. it keeps me from getting too discouraged, it gives me strength. God knows i cant be in full communion (yet) but he knows he can use me there and its his will that i stay there. Everyone that i meet and work with welcome me, i can feel that they care and that gives me strength. Sure, some Sundays i cry all the way home because i cant receive, but i pray and pray the rosary and i remind God that one day, i want to be that close and that worthy to be in full Holy communion with him.

God’s will can be hard when we focus on what we cant do (like receiving communion and confession) instead ask him to work us into his will in his way (show us what we can do for the church). dont give up, stay in the truth of the Catholic Church and find where you can still fit in even if you cant be a full member yet.
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That’s beautiful Dee. You are being obedient, which greatly pleases the Lord.

Even though you can’t receive, you can pray for spiritual communion when others are going forward. Spiritual communion can bring much grace to your soul. And you can also up the suffering you feel for the conversion of other souls or some other intention.

You are having a very good attitude about all of this. God bless you.
 
Please contact your advocate which you should have and let them know you have tried to get witnesses but no luck. Annulments have been granted without any.
My sister went through the process and was able to find just one person as all of the others had passed away. I was that one. It took almost two years, but it was granted and her husband also decided to become a Catholic.
Persevere.
 
SurlyMermaid said:
I started RCIA (for the third time!) a couple of days ago.
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I wonder if it might help to look at things slightly differently.

You say that you started RCIA for the third time. That makes it sound like you didn’t complete things.

RCIA is a process and it takes as long as it takes. For some people it may take longer because of a marriage issue. For other people it may take longer because it takes time to absorb and believe what the Church teaches. And for other people it may take longer for some other reason.

You’ve started. You’re in RCIA. And you’ll continue this journey for as long as it takes. While you’re in RCIA you have the advantage of having a support group behind you, praying for you and offering you what you need. You have a sponsor who is also praying for you and supporting you.

In the meantime you have the time you need to focus on your relationship with the Lord. You have time to get connected with the people in your parish. (For example, by joining prayer groups, service groups, and the like.) You have time to learn more about what the Church teaches.

At each step along the way you get a little closer to being a fully initiated Catholic. Just keep taking one step at a time.
 
Are you baptized? If not, perhaps you could pursue a dissolution of the bond instead. Just a thought.

Do contact your advocate. I am sorry you are getting so stressed. Hugs to you :grouphug:
 
KrazyKat said:
I do not understand the need for annulment . We’re you married to a Catholic, and in a valid Catholic marriage the first time ?
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That is one scenario of a valid marriage-- non-Catholic married to Catholic in the Church. That is not the only valid marriage scenario.

Non Catholics marry validly when they marry each other. So, her first marriage is presumed valid if between two non-Catholics.
 
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