Struggling to keep faith

[Roses192837]

I find myself increasingly struggling to hold onto this religion. I feel like ever since I converted, there have been times when I am so happy to be Catholic but mostly all it has done is blown up my anxiety to a disproportionate degree. It causes me severe anxiety every single day. I never had a suicidal thought in my life, and I was going on four years without self harm, until I became Catholic. In the beginning, I was so afraid all the time that I occasionally wondered if it wouldn’t be worth a straight shot to hell, just to get out of this life. And I could never address it because I was so afraid that if I eased up the tiniest bit, I would die and be immediately damned. After about half of year of that, things were getting better for a while and then it started to overwhelm me again.
It’s not as bad as it was, but it’s still not good. A few days ago, I started seriously considering the merits of starting self harm again. I thought it would have merit because I have too much anxiety about speaking to people about things like this. I tried, I really did, to talk to a professional but I couldn’t keep doing it. I can’t speak to a priest, I can barely go to confession when all I have to do is recite a list of sins like a robot, let alone hold a conversation with the priest. I try to go to one specific priest whenever possible because I know he doesn’t speak English well and will only ever give me generic, out-of-a-can spiritual advice and it’s very comforting to me to know that he won’t try to engage in a dialogue.

It’s completely destroying my faith. I know this is not God’s fault, I know this is not the Church’s fault, but I do have a lot of difficulty not blaming God for creating me when he knew perfectly well that I did NOT want to be created. I don’t want to resent God but I do. I don’t want to resent my faith but I do. I have too much internalized negativity towards the Church and it’s not going anywhere, because it still makes me want to die every single day, while simultaneously battling crippling fears of death while in a state of sin. I have nowhere to go with this. For the time being, it is absolutely impossible to seek real help for this. I have tried. I cannot. I have no capacity to verbalize this whatsoever. The only reason I was thinking about self harm was because I keep thinking that maybe somebody would see it, and that if somebody, anybody would notice that I am not ok, something might change. Right now nothing is changing, and nothing can change.

This would probably go better in the pray intentions section because this is not even a question. I don’t know what responses I was expecting to get. I’ve just been penting this up for about two years now, and I don’t know what on earth to do.

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

First, I want to thank you for doing a good job of conveying heartfelt feelings into words.

Some of what you say, I’ve seen happen within Catholicism and I won’t say it’s the Church’s “fault” necessarily, but I think there are certain mindsets that get spread around.

And if I’m hearing you right, it is making you very self-critical and feel like you’ve done too much wrong.

Well for starters, the people who seem to be more Catholic either because we look up to them for some reason (even if it’s because we look down on ourselves we might think others are better) or they do things or supposedly don’t do things like us.

But when it all gets to it, none of us are perfect, and therefore we are all sinners. To me the idea of all being siblings in and friends with Jesus, is about admitting that it really isn’t about who is better this or that. Because like for example I don’t like saying the Rosary and I catch a lot of heat about that but it’s optional and you know what? There is a lot. That’s not even a sin and people get worked up over it. So really I think Jesus’s point is to help us just accept all of that and learn to love ourselves and each other as we are and not as we think we “ought” to be according to someone or some code or other standard.

The “summary” commandments to love God, and each other as ourselves, are the commands. I personally like to say that “whether I know it’s working” is whether it helps me produce “fruit of the spirit.”

Fruit of the spirit are listed in Gal 5 and are: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

So if “you know them by their fruits” than I’d say the goal isn’t so much to avoid sin, but to accept a mindset that allows us all to be imperfect, and still be at peace even though we are in a world that many say it messed up but frankly after some of what I’ve been through I’m just happy at this point to breathe and have the freedom to be sitting here posting this now.

And who can really say that your sin is worse than mine or vice versa? In some cases, sure one person does something more destructive – but like Jesus says just because you don’t act out on it doesn’t mean that in your heart you wouldn’t if you had a chance.

Since you don’t seem to be getting these, there are other approaches that could possibly help?
Plus, if you’re interested in expanding your ideas of “prayer” beyond what I’d say most Catholics know – and that means into “contemplative prayer” which is a silent form of prayer – where you’re not thinking, judging, just letting go of thoughts without letting them control you, kind of, then you might try this book; I have it on Kindle and audio. It talks realistically about prayer, and all three forms 1) recited prayer (talking at God), 2) made-up prayer (talking to God), and 3) silent – aka “contemplative” – prayer (listening to God). It’s written by a Jesuit. No biggie, but there is a “look inside” thing at the amazon link below:

Armchair Mystic: Easing into Contemplative Prayer

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

The OP is not alone in this.

 

[JRKH]

Roses,
I don’t know how much I can help…but I hear you…I Love you…and want to do what I can. You said that:

The only reason I was thinking about self harm was because I keep thinking that maybe somebody would see it, and that if somebody, anybody would notice that I am not ok, something might change.

I believe that this is what your post here is about. It is much better than self harm, so I praise God that He has brought you to us.

I find myself increasingly struggling to hold onto this religion. I feel like ever since I converted, there have been times when I am so happy to be Catholic but mostly all it has done is blown up my anxiety to a disproportionate degree. It causes me severe anxiety every single day.

What are the things that cause you severe anxiety? Please share and we will try to help.

I never had a suicidal thought in my life, and I was going on four years without self harm, until I became Catholic. In the beginning, I was so afraid all the time that I occasionally wondered if it wouldn’t be worth a straight shot to hell, just to get out of this life. And I could never address it because I was so afraid that if I eased up the tiniest bit, I would die and be immediately damned. After about half of year of that, things were getting better for a while and then it started to overwhelm me again.

Such fear is not healthy as you well know. It is important to come to understand what is driving this fear.
Our God and savior is not someone who is sitting and waiting for a chance to damn you to hell…He is a God of Love and His desire is that we Love Him in return. There is no need to fear God or be anxious about your salvation. Trust that God is bigger than your fears and anxiety - - Because He is.

It’s completely destroying my faith. I know this is not God’s fault, I know this is not the Church’s fault, but I do have a lot of difficulty not blaming God for creating me when he knew perfectly well that I did NOT want to be created. I don’t want to resent God but I do. I don’t want to resent my faith but I do. I have too much internalized negativity towards the Church and it’s not going anywhere, because it still makes me want to die every single day, while simultaneously battling crippling fears of death while in a state of sin. I have nowhere to go with this. For the time being, it is absolutely impossible to seek real help for this. I have tried. I cannot. I have no capacity to verbalize this whatsoever.

I think that you are doing a fine job of verbalizing. No problems there.
I love the honesty with which you are approaching the subject. It is really beautiful. Does that sound strange? Maybe it does, and yet, when one cries out for help it is a beautiful thing. God bless you for this.

This would probably go better in the pray intentions section because this is not even a question. I don’t know what responses I was expecting to get. I’ve just been penting this up for about two years now, and I don’t know what on earth to do.

I hope that we can help in some small way. It seems that your fears and anxieties stem from a fear of sinning - and that can come from not really having a good foundation in the faith.
Mystical Seeker has touched on this in their post. The root and core of our Faith is NOT rules and restrictions etc. It is love. Love of God and Love of ourselves so that we can Love others as God Loves us.
You have not turned your back on God and God will not turn His back on you.
Why?
Because God Loves you - and so do we for you are our sibling in Christ.
Even though you feel resentment and confusion and other negative emotions toward the Church and God (even thought you don’t want to) God has not given up on you and neither will we.

Of course we cannot help a whole lot…Internet forums are extremely limited…but we will try to do what we can.

Peace
James

 

[Ash_Wednesday]

Are you familiar with scrupulosity? (mission.liguori.org/newsletters/scrupanon.htm) I think often when people struggle with anxiety (as I do) we need to approach our faith differently than someone who might not struggle with anxiety at all.

Being a Catholic isn’t a loveless religious practice of ritual to make sure that you’ve dotted the i’s, crossed the t’s and avoided sin. It’s meant to be a growing and nurturing relationship with God. Faith is meant protect us and keep us afloat in dark waters, not exacerbate them.

Ideally I would hope that in addition to having access to counseling (one who is Catholic or respects your faith), you could get some spiritual direction from a knowledgeable, holy and trustworthy priest who you can feel comfortable talking to and can help you discuss your struggles with the church. But I don’t want to bark up the wrong tree there, since I don’t know your entire situation.

For right now, feel free to keep venting and dialoging with us. I am praying for you and offering up my Ash Wednesday sacrifices for you today.

 

[frOf3]

This could very well be me as well. As someone trying to rebuild my relationship with God, I find myself drowning in my sin and unable to reconcile how my offenses to God could be forgiven. However, just recently I switched parishes and the priest gave a talk that really hit home.

He said that it is harder for people to forgive themselves and each other than for God to forgive us. We are imperfect, and the concept of endless mercy is beyond us and that is just one more reason to love God and have confidence in asking him for his grace in the ongoing and endless process to become more holy.

The other thing that has helped me is to become active in the church. What I have found is that people who I assumed were “holier” than I were human and imperfect as well. I saw they have surrendered themselves to God and understand that it is impossible to get close to Him without his divine mercy and grace.

This has been what has kept me from God’s grace so far, the misconception that I need to constantly bear my sins and I can do it myself. I now know that this is impossible and that healing can only begin if I trust in God.

 

[catholicmoviene]

I struggle with scrupulosity myself. It was just last night where I was worried about something I committed being a serious sin, so I skipped Communion during nightly Mass. It was also just last night where I was telling God that there were some Church teachings that I didn’t like, such as following His will at all. I suppose it’s not just an issue of scrupulosity, it’s an issue of trust. Then again, a priest once said to me that trusting in God can help scrupulosity, but I don’t know how to put that into practice.