Struggling with how much I suffered/ & forgiveness

[daisyevans1]

Dear forum,

I know I shouldn’t really moan - people have suffered far more than me in this world (i.e slavery, jews etc) but I am really struggling to forgive and more on from my past.Sorry, bit long, but I just want to show you what i’ve been though.

Things got tough for me when my parents sent me to a horrible school (I was 11 when I started) I was bulled relentlessly, I just wasn’t left alone - I recall one time being pelted with tennis balls in my head during a p.e lesson and finally telling a teacher what was happening - she told me to stop crying and that I was an attention seeker. I vowed never to tell a teacher again what was happening.

I use to beg my parents to let me leave as my brother was allowed to switch schools, but no matter what I was made to stay, my set of friends at the school were not very nice, if I fell out with them they use to bully me.
I even ended up in hospital once after being attacked - yet me parents didn’t care.

I then left the school and got away from the “friends” …because I wasn’t at school and no longer had to put up with the bulling, one of them started internet blogging website about how ugly I was - literally pages of just how ugly I was, a loser, and made everyone i’ve ever met sign it, - this was before trolling was a thing
( it was 15 years ago)

Everything was fine the years following, got my college degree and started full time work. The job was fine,

Then I started a new job, and this women was so cruel to me, she use to scream at me if I did the slightest thing wrong (infront of my boss who couldn’t give a toss). She use to go through my draws after work to look for things I was doing and try and catch me out. When some money went missing, she started to imply I was stealing it and did it infront of people. this was happening infront of my boss so there wasn’t anything I could do. I left the job because I couldn’t take it anymore.

I then got pregnant and everything was going great, until I was told the baby stopped growing. My parents took me and my hubby back to there home for support. I was then told that the baby was going to be stillbirth… I cried a lot. Because I was crying and I believed the doctors, my dad screamed his head off at me, telling me I was misrable and the baby was fine, he then shouted at my husband calling him spoile… we then had to leave my parents home (as our home was miles away, and we were registered with the hospital by my parents, we had to stay there). We then struggled for somewhere to stay and paid $80 a day on taxis, we then eventually moved hospital, which led unfortuanly to a stillbirth and me nearly dying from severe preeclampsia. since then I’ve made up with my parents, but they still have never apologised to this day.

 

[ShowersofRoses]

I’m so very sorry for the loss of your baby, and of all your other troubles. Try watching these videos, maybe they will help a little. Forgiving the cruelty of others is so hard, but absolutely necessary for your sake. Holding onto the bitterness is a poison that will only hurt you. Jesus told us to forgive others as He forgives us. Every time a bitter though enters your mind, surrender it and give it back to Jesus and ask Him to help you forgive.

I think seeing a counselor and getting some therapy would be very good for you to work through these issues. Can you make an appointment to talk to a priest?

 

[daisyevans1]

continued************

Things got even worse when I suffered form postnatal depression, I started attending a catholic prayer group. The women there really frightened me, they pretty much told me told me that the world was ending and that God had put a curse on people - I began believed I was doomed to hell and started having major psychotic episodes. Unaware, I stayed with my parents and they use to scream at me when I was worrying about hell, they locked me out the house. I was so ill in the head, I stopped sleeping and through the night I use to phone priests from other countries talking about religion, things got too bad with my parents I then went back to stay with my husband who took me straight down the hospital and I was diagnosed with postnatal psychosis.

I was then put on medication (zyprexa) which made me gain aound 50 pounds in one year. Everyone was fat shaming me, telling me to stop eating so much, and that i’ve got to start being healthy. Sadly it was because the medication that caused it all, it changed the way your body breaks down fat.

Its been 8 months since i’ve completly got better, but I can’t seem to lose weight, I’m now “obese”. No matter how much I diet and exercise the weight won’t come off.

Sorry to moan, I should be grateful for what I have, I have a lovely home and a lovely husband. But I felt like all my suffereing could have been so easily avoided, I feel angry and hurt and I can’t seem to move on.