Struggling With Lust: Marriage, Lust and Sex

[Tomhamilton]

If we lust after a woman in our hearts we commit adultery.

I make no apologies for blunt language.

What advice then is there then for a man who has created a life long habit of doing just this?

From the permissive sixties to the even more permissive present, women are dressed (in the West) to wet the male appetite at every turn of the head. Jogging women in tight leggings spring to mind…

Porn is as addictive as a drug.

I try to feel shame and repentance after each moment of lust or self abuse but now believe my prayers are paper thin. It’s OK I reassure myself, masturbation itself isn’t even mentioned in the bible.

I’m happily married but sex is off the cards pretty much as over familiarity and the constraints of endless Catholic guilt trips dampen the heat of passion. Yet, even in late 50’s the urges rage on.

There is then the additional mental irritation and guilt of having to turn to porn or at least imagination in order to please my wife (and myself of course - and us!) or suffer the indignity of not - ahem - rising to the occasion.

Didn’t God create me like this? Won’t He understand? Is it enough just to recognise my human frailty and relax with the excuse that I am simply committing a lesser evil to keep a marriage dynamic, He will surely understand and forgive?

What hope for us all with such endless struggles - that become less of a struggle as we are constantly defeated!

Perhaps I reach the seed of an answer in the sacrifice of His son our Lord. He knew without the rescuing cross that we would otherwise be doomed.

Over to you…

 

[jredden92]

I hear you… I also suffer from this. This thread would probably be more appropriate in the moral theology sub forum but I don’t know how to change it. I don’t have much to say in terms of how to solve your issue but will be watching the thread in case any theologians have some good advice.

God bless

 

[Tomhamilton]

If we lust after a woman in our hearts we commit adultery.

I make no apologies for blunt language.

What advice then is there then for a man who has created a life long habit of doing just this?

From the permissive sixties to the even more permissive present, women are dressed (in the West) to wet the male appetite at every turn of the head. Jogging women in tight leggings spring to mind…

Porn is as addictive as a drug.

I try to feel shame and repentance after each moment of lust or self abuse but now believe my prayers are paper thin. It’s OK I reassure myself, masturbation itself isn’t even mentioned in the bible.

I’m happily married but sex is off the cards pretty much as over familiarity and the constraints of endless Catholic guilt trips dampen the heat of passion. Yet, even in late 50’s the urges rage on.

There is then the additional mental irritation and guilt of having to turn to porn or at least imagination in order to please my wife (and myself of course - and us!) or suffer the indignity of not - ahem - rising to the occasion.

Didn’t God create me like this? Won’t He understand? Is it enough just to recognise my human frailty and relax with the excuse that I am simply committing a lesser evil to keep a marriage dynamic, He will surely understand and forgive?

What hope for us all with such endless struggles - that become less of a struggle as we are constantly defeated!

Perhaps I reach the seed of an answer in the sacrifice of His son our Lord. He knew without the rescuing cross that we would otherwise be doomed.

Over to you…

 

[InThePew]

Didn’t God create me like this? Won’t He understand? Is it enough just to recognise my human frailty and relax with the excuse that I am simply committing a lesser evil to keep a marriage dynamic, He will surely understand and forgive?

What hope for us all with such endless struggles - that become less of a struggle as we are constantly defeated!

Go to confession; keep going to confession - as soon as you fail as often as you fail. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking near enough is good enough - you can and should do better but only with the help of God’s grace which we receive through the sacraments, especially reconciliation and eucharist. Pornography, like any sin, always fails to follow through on what it promises and will always leave you feeling dissatisfied, wanting what it cannot provide.

 

[Tomhamilton]

I don’t go to confession because I know I will fail again. Too many confessions smacks to me of hypocrisy and even blasphemy, the sacrament being taken ever more lightly.
Do we even need to confess to another? This raises another topic.

 

[CaptainPrudeman]

I don’t go to confession because I know I will fail again.

And you fail because you do not avail yourself of God’s grace in the Sacrament. You sever your relationship with God and refuse to rebuild it.

Your cycle of sin is self-perpetuating. God can heal you. Stop sulking and ask for His help in Confession.

Too many confessions smacks to me of hypocrisy and even blasphemy, the sacrament being taken ever more lightly.

So, if we really struggle with sin, you think we should give up? If you lose many battles in a war, you don’t surrender, you keep planning and find a way to get back on your feet. We have a chance so long as our hearts still beat and we still breathe.

 

[Tomhamilton]

James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”

Humility is key it seems

 

[Tomhamilton]

Good one thanks.

 

[InThePew]

I don’t go to confession because I know I will fail again. Too many confessions smacks to me of hypocrisy and even blasphemy, the sacrament being taken ever more lightly.

So what else is new? Don’t get me wrong, I get that it’s anything but easy to keep coming back time and again confessing the same sin but, that said, there’s a profound humility in there - a recognition that you can’t overcome your sinfulness and struggles on your own but need the Lord’s help and want to receive that help through the grace that comes from the sacrament. There is no such thing as too many confessions only those who know only too well their need for the Lord’s mercy.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Hello,

I realize you just joined and probably aren’t aware of this, but you already started this same topic in another subforum:

Struggling With Lust: Marriage, Lust and Sex Family Life

If we lust after a woman in our hearts we commit adultery. I make no apologies for blunt language. What advice then is there then for a man who has created a life long habit of doing just this? From the permissive sixties to the even more permissive present, women are dressed (in the West) to wet the male appetite at every turn of the head. Jogging women in tight leggings spring to mind… Porn is as addictive as a drug. I try to feel shame and repentance after each moment of lust or self abu…

We are not supposed to start multiple threads on the same topic.

Your original topic was moved to the Family Life subforum which is generally where marriage and sexuality issues are addressed.

Please continue the discussion on your original thread. I will request that this one be closed.

 

[Vico]

…
Didn’t God create me like this? Won’t He understand? Is it enough just to recognise my human frailty and relax with the excuse that I am simply committing a lesser evil to keep a marriage dynamic, He will surely understand and forgive?

What hope for us all with such endless struggles - that become less of a struggle as we are constantly defeated!
…

Sin is voluntary. What you describe sounds like addiction which is involuntary, so there should be mental resistance even in failure and measures should be taken to avoid temptations. Even thinking about the wife when isolated from the spouse, for excitement, is masturbation, so a habit must be acquired of turning the mind to something else non-sinful. The reason that one can overcome addictions is because of supernatural help received from God which achieves healing. One is aided by actual graces even when there is not a state of grace, and by sanctifying grace when there is a state of grace, and is gradually freed from slavery (addiction). The sacramental life is important so there must be regret and repentence.

Catechism of the Catholic Church

1734 Freedom makes man responsible for his acts to the extent that they are voluntary. Progress in virtue, knowledge of the good, and ascesis enhance the mastery of the will over its acts.

1735 Imputability and responsibility for an action can be diminished or even nullified by ignorance, inadvertence, duress, fear, habit, inordinate attachments, and other psychological or social factors.

2352 … To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability.

273 Only faith can embrace the mysterious ways of God’s almighty power. This faith glories in its weaknesses in order to draw to itself Christ’s power.113 The Virgin Mary is the supreme model of this faith, for she believed that “nothing will be impossible with God”, and was able to magnify the Lord: "For he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name."114

 

[Tomhamilton]

I know. I thought this other field more appropriate.

 

[Tomhamilton]

How do I unsubscribe?

 

[Tomhamilton]

Ah! Got it…

 

[Tolle_Lege]

It is not sinful to recognize that another woman is attractive, but to dwell on it an entertain lustful thoughts is.

Since this is something I have also struggled with, I have begun to do something I saw recommended elsewhere. When you see an attractive woman, just look away and say something like “God, please bless her,” or “God, thank you for her beauty” and move on.

 

[1ke]

but sex is off the cards pretty much as over familiarity and the constraints of endless Catholic guilt trips dampen the heat of passion.

I think you and your wife need some counseling, jointly and separately, if this describes the way the two of you approach marital intimacy.

There is then the additional mental irritation and guilt of having to turn to porn or at least imagination in order to please my wife (and myself of course - and us!) or suffer the indignity of not - ahem - rising to the occasion.

And a trip to the doctor.

HAVE TO? I think not.

Didn’t God create me like this?

No.

 

[1ke]

I answered on your other thread, but repeat it here in case you aren’t monitoring that one.

I’m happily married but sex is off the cards pretty much as over familiarity and the constraints of endless Catholic guilt trips dampen the heat of passion. Yet, even in late 50’s the urges rage on.

I think you and your wife need some counseling, jointly and separately, if this describes the way the two of you approach marital intimacy.

There is then the additional mental irritation and guilt of having to turn to porn or at least imagination in order to please my wife (and myself of course - and us!) or suffer the indignity of not - ahem - rising to the occasion.

And, see your doctor.

“HAVE TO” do these things? I don’t think so.

Didn’t God create me like this?

No.

 

[fide]

You brought up so many very important moral issues… You really ought to take them all to a wise and prudent (and mature) priest/confessor, if one is available. Unless an on-line responder is going to write a book to answer them all (and do it well), I don’t think you’ll get all that you ought to get, with your questions on-line. They are important.

 

[TK421]

@Tomhamilton

Ingrained habits can be undone the same way that they came into existence: through practice.

So, if you encounter somebody that you find beautiful, just acknowledge that they are beautiful and then continue your day. If inappropriate thoughts start popping up (which they will, if that is what the brain has been previously trained to do) then that is a good time to say a brief prayer for that person, which is a perfect way to reinforce the humanity of the person and that God loves them, just like he loves you. Don’t react too strongly when temptation comes up because that is what the Enemy wants you to do and it can be like trying not to think about a pink elephant. When somebody tells you not to think about a pink elephant you’re probably only going to think about pink elephants.

Talk to a Confessor for further spiritual help.

Peace.

 

[redcatholic]

So you post about how you think sexual morals are unfair, you receive solid answers and charitable responses trying to tell you you are far from the truth of Catholic and holy sexuality and you are mad? From your post you should be old enough to grow your understanding of sex, marriage and why God wants it to be holy.