Struggling with my teen

[emat321]

Hi, I am new here. I am a widow and mother to five girls, trying to raise them with Catholic values. My daughter who is 17 had a boyfriend for a few months and is now in a really depressed because he broke up with her and I think they were experimenting sexually - but not beyond “making out”. This is complicated further by the fact that she lost her dad, so losing a boyfriend triggers something horrible - I have seen my older three go through this. Also, I have just informed her that she can’t go back to the States (we are living abroad while I do graduate studies). I had promised her she could go back and stay with a friends family for her senior year, but basically I changed my mind. I was going back and forth on it, but the thing with the boy happened, and she basically stopped doing her school work because she was so upset. This made it impossible for her to go back, and she will have to do summer school - but I am fine with that because I didn’t want her to go back anyway. She is devastated. Any perspectives from catholic parents? I suffer because my husband is gone so I don’t have him to bounce ideas off of. And my friends here are very permissive in some ways, and not very Catholic. What would you do in my place? My daughter is homeschooling, is isolated from friends, but she says they all drink and party anyway so she doesn’t want to be around that, though she says her friends back home don’t do that. She is limp with depression. Any saints who intercede for widows with teenage children?

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

If I am to understand you correctly, you have a teen that:

1. Is in a country other than her own.
2. Doesn’t have her Dad around.
3. Is homeschooled.

Are these 3 points correct?

I am reminded of several Twilight Zone episodes, including the first: “Where is Everybody?” The point being: by our nature, humans require interaction; loneliness can drive one batty.

Do you think she is getting enough interaction and socialization outside of the home?

 

[emat321]

Yes to all three points. She takes dance class twice a week, but other than that the social life came from the boyfriend and their mutual friends in the neighborhood, and now she doesn’t ever want to see them again. I think she relies on face book and skype a bit too much to continue long distance friendships back home, rather than developing the friendships she has made here. She attended school last year here in Ireland, and opted to homeschool so the credits would transfer back better, and also she did not like the Irish school. Her older sisters homeschooled so we are experienced with that. Thanks for your comment. I think you have hit the nail on the head. Since I am requiring her to stay with me, I will have to see to it that she gets out there with other people, which I had been thinking of anyway, and devising plans, such as volunteer work, reviving friendships with the kids from the school that don’t live in the neighborhood, and whatever else I can think of. But I worry that I am having to push her, and at 17 she should take this upon herself - this is her reality. I will have to check out the twilight episodes, I haven’t thought of twilight in ages. Thanks!

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Yes to all three points. She takes dance class twice a week, but other than that the social life came from the boyfriend and their mutual friends in the neighborhood, and now she doesn’t ever want to see them again. I think she relies on face book and skype a bit too much to continue long distance friendships back home, rather than developing the friendships she has made here. She attended school last year here in Ireland, and opted to homeschool so the credits would transfer back better, and also she did not like the Irish school. Her older sisters homeschooled so we are experienced with that. Thanks for your comment.

No problem. I would go further to wonder: while she may genuinely dislike the Irish school, is it also possible that she is purposefully withdrawing from others for emotional reasons?

I would not presume; I merely inquire because I went through a similar phase.

I think you have hit the nail on the head. Since I am requiring her to stay with me, I will have to see to it that she gets out there with other people, which I had been thinking of anyway, and devising plans, such as volunteer work, reviving friendships with the kids from the school that don’t live in the neighborhood, and whatever else I can think of. But I worry that I am having to push her, and at 17 she should take this upon herself - this is her reality.

Right. Well, as I suggested, perhaps there may be underlying emotional pain/issues that should come to the forefront of your attention, as, if they exist, they may be more important to deal with than the socialization factor.

I will have to check out the twilight episodes, I haven’t thought of twilight in ages. Thanks!

I find that life events generally fall into two categories: those that have a Twilight Zone reference, and those that have a Seinfeld reference.

 

[Allegra]

If you haven’t already, you should apologize for being inconsistent regarding her going home. Explain that you are sorry that you changed your mind on her (which she probably considers a major breach of trust) but you are concerned by her reaction over her breakup and you don’t want her thousands of miles away while she is going through a hard time. How much longer are you going to be in Ireland? You could give her an opportunity to look forward to the next year by brainstorming some ideas for daytrips and activities you could do together while you are still there. After all, living abroad is a one-in-a-lifetime opportunity that ought to be taken advantage of. Also, think up some activities that she could participate in with other kids her own age. Is there a camp or something this summer she might like? Would it be acceptable to you if she went back to the US for a short trip this summer? She probably feels really isolated from her friends and is worried about “missing out”. She probably also misses her extended family. Hope some of these ideas are helpful.

 

[emat321]

Thanks for these suggestions. I have apologized, and I do feel awful about it really. She will be going home for visits at least a few times. No extended family though, just some really good friends. I just hope and pray she can adjust and make the most out of it. Like you say, there is so much to do and see here. And the friends she has made here, that she says she doesn’t like - I expect she will keep them for life. We will be here for two more years.

Thanks!