Struggling with porn and SSA. Confused?

[jtwp5]

(I guess I should mention I’m a male in my 20s in case that can’t be inferred from my post. Maybe this needs to be under a different thread but there’s some questions I have buried in this post.)

I’ve been struggling with porn addiction for years. I’ve let this addiction take ahold of my life. I’ve been trying to stop for over a year now. I think porn warps sexuality. I almost exclusively watched gay porn. I think it arises out of a jealousy/envy I feel for other men. I’ve struggled with body image and self-esteem for a while now. The main thing I think is “I wish I could look like him”.

Trying to quit again, I want to for good this time. I see how empty my life is. I’m in 3rd year of college and trying to finally get a job. There is a good catholic church here I could get involved in. Besides going to confession monthly (at least during the semester) and mass every weekend, I don’t do anything else. I went on a couple retreats my first semester but never really got involved outside of being a participant in it. I feel so afraid to reach out.

As for women, I never really watched straight porn. I feel much more respectful around them and not viewing them as objects. I guess parents instilled this in me. I feel romantically attracted towards women and would very much like to eventually marry and have children. However, I don’t feel sexually attracted towards them, or at least I think I don’t. I’m just so confused on this issue. Looking back I don’t think I ever really have gotten aroused outside of porn. Also, parents kept on saying “sex is bad” or maybe I interpreted that from something else. So, did that cause me to hide my desires toward women? What is allowed? How come sex is ok after marriage but not before. If sexual attraction is allowed towards one’s spouse how is that different from lust? Lusting after your spouse? What is one supposed to feel?

As of my understanding, the church teaches that homosexuals (or am I supposed to say SSA? What if you’re bisexual) are called to a life of celibacy. And that tears me apart, the idea of being all alone in life. Not allowed to marry a woman or live my dreams of being father. All of those hopes and dreams, crushed, ripped away.

My mind is all over the place and this post is too. Maybe I should have just posted some specific questions instead of part of my life story. I feel the need to get this out and finally confront the issue. If you can clarify some of the thing I mentioned in the longest paragraph that would be great.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I think it might be helpful if you could find a good therapist to talk to about your sexuality and who could help you break your addiction to porn. Because whether or not you are gay, or bi, or straight in the end, porn is not a good thing to be doing. It’s just going to create more confusion, and it objectifies people.
I will pray for you.
God bless.

 

[jtwp5]

Thank you. I just called and setup an appointment with student counseling about 20 minutes ago. Sadly, the next available appointment is a month away… Well if I’m doing better by then that’s good, if I fall back into old habits I still have the appointment made. Day 4 with no porn. I can’t believe it’s been months since I’ve went without it for a full week. I realize how empty my life is. I thought about going to daily mass today but my anxiety scared me away. Went to confession on Friday.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I know what it’s like to have anxiety going to Mass. If you can go, even late, or even just hang around in the vestibule, do what you can.
If you can’t make yourself go, then say some prayers in a quiet place. Pray to lose the desire to watch the porn (this does work after a while).
Ask for God to guide you to find your path in life.

 

[Daisy]

You need to go to daily mass, your fear indicates this will be very healing for you, but the devil is fighting hard to keep you away. Never, ever feel guilty to attend mass or pray. Christ loves you, He’s calling you to come home to Him.

Porn is probably one of the most socially destructive forces in society today–next to abortion and contraception. It deceptively seems private, but is an excruciating scourge on the individual and his intimate relationships. Definitely seek counseling… you might want to consider biofeedback as well, which is shown to help cure obsessive addiction. AA sexual group therapy might be especially helpful, and usually these types of groups are free if you look around near you. This lady http://drmonicabreaux.com/index.html does 30 min. phone consultations and will be incredibly helpful to talk to, as well. God bless you, and I will pray for you right now. I’m having trouble sleeping .

 

[Prodigal_Son]

jtwp5,

Nice to meet you. I’m attracted to other guys too, and I would encourage you to work to INTEGRATE your longings into your ordinary life, without acting them out sexually. If you’re like me, you have probably spent most of your adult life being “two different people”: one person who is normal and sincere and seeking God, and another person who is mired in porn. That’s not good for you. You cannot throw out the porn-seeking you, because he is really a part of you, a part of you that needs God’s love and the love of others. But as you integrate him into you, you will find that he is lovable and capable of goodness.

You’re attracted to guys. That’s fine. Don’t panic, don’t worry, don’t be afraid. Instead, find safe people to talk about your feelings with. Think about what you really long for, and try to see how these desires are sympathetic. You want to be appreciated, to be loved, to be close with a man, to heal the wounds of childhood. Those are good things, and they are the things fueling your porn addiction. As you integrate, you will find yourself able to seek out those things in other ways – or to grieve your loss of them and move on.

Can you get married? I can’t answer that. I am married, and I am very much attracted to my wife. But different guys are different. You certainly don’t want to use a woman to “look” straight.

I don’t have time to attempt an answer to other questions you asked now. I will pray for you!

Prodigal