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Xantippe
Guest
One of our CAF posters also says that it can be very nice to piggyback on the Christmas season as the churches are so highly decorated then.
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FrenzyJen
Guest
Sounds like you need to avoid being alone together. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but if that is when you slip up, then that’s what you have to avoid.
I agree with the previous poster who pointed out that if your relatives are this controlling now, it can only get worse. I feel like moving your wedding to when** the two of you** want it is a good way to put that boundary in place, to set a less codependent tone for your married life together.
I also think that perhaps if you are not willing to do that, then perhaps it is also for the best, in so much as you are both still under your parents’ control (for lack of a better word) and not ready to be wed. A marriage affects other people, but it is between God and you and your spouse. You become related to your in-laws, but they are not members of your marriage.
I have nothing but eye rolls for your “but me first” cousin. She sounds petty and immature as well.
I agree with the previous poster who pointed out that if your relatives are this controlling now, it can only get worse. I feel like moving your wedding to when** the two of you** want it is a good way to put that boundary in place, to set a less codependent tone for your married life together.
I also think that perhaps if you are not willing to do that, then perhaps it is also for the best, in so much as you are both still under your parents’ control (for lack of a better word) and not ready to be wed. A marriage affects other people, but it is between God and you and your spouse. You become related to your in-laws, but they are not members of your marriage.
I have nothing but eye rolls for your “but me first” cousin. She sounds petty and immature as well.
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Patavium
Guest
OP, you and your soon to be spouse need to establish boundaries from the beginning if you plan to have a healthy marriage. Letting your parents or your spouse’s parents meddle all the time from the beginning (and they just did they set the date for your wedding) is not good. Who know? What’s next? Naming your child for you, telling you what to feed him, etc… I can tell you that my parents are quite pushy, especially my mother. My wife and I have dealt with them as best as we can, and they have offered their “suggestions” all the time from naming our son to even feeding them. Be open to hear suggestions, but make sure you and your spouses are making the decisions together.. I always tell them thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut, but then my wife and I make the decision together even if it is contrary to their suggestions.
By the way, 20 and 22 is not too young to get married. Where do people get these ideas? the secular world, I tell you. Most of my friends married in their 30s and even my sibling. Now it is so difficult for them to have kids due to high risk pregnancies. All of that so they could get more “life experience”
. Don’t listen to the secular world. Marrying at your age is a good age, just make sure you discerned correctly. That’s what courting is for. I say that because Marriage life is NOT heaven 
. At least not most of the time. There will tough choices and difficult situations. It happens. Make sure God is at the center, and also that you and your spouse are a team, best friends, best partners, love each other, willing to stay together no matter what, come what may, 
etc…
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Vic_Taltrees_UK
Guest
As a single bloke, if you were already married I would suggest you have a room where a corner or a half is “his” and a corner or a half is “hers” and one does their model making and one does the oil painting, in each others’ company but without intensity.
Adapting this to your not having a joint home yet, you can build into your joint lifestyle sessions that are modelled on this principle (occasionally they may also admit fellow model-makers and oil painters?)
Or, one week both go for the country walk, another week the something-or-other else.
Jointly being hospitable and jointly keeping company with others (a work of mercy after all, and a virtue) are also things to employ in your joint lifestyle in some way, both before and (especially) after you are married.
These things mean you can exercise a balance between being “giving” and “given-to” individuals, and avoid equating togetherness altogether with intensity.
Adapting this to your not having a joint home yet, you can build into your joint lifestyle sessions that are modelled on this principle (occasionally they may also admit fellow model-makers and oil painters?)
Or, one week both go for the country walk, another week the something-or-other else.
Jointly being hospitable and jointly keeping company with others (a work of mercy after all, and a virtue) are also things to employ in your joint lifestyle in some way, both before and (especially) after you are married.
These things mean you can exercise a balance between being “giving” and “given-to” individuals, and avoid equating togetherness altogether with intensity.
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Xantippe
Guest
I really like the idea of hosting friends together.
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ShadowBoxer
Guest
First off, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials – whatever the date ends up being. In regards to your overall dilemma my opinion (for what it’s worth) is this. The only legitimate reason I can see for waiting is the fact that your fiancé’s employment is uncertain. Speaking as a man, I would not ask a woman to marry me if I did not have a means of providing for her and any potential offspring. That being said, a less than ideal income situation will not sink you if you and your husband know how to save and the babies don’t start coming right away. As a previous poster astutely pointed out this last part may necessitate abstinence even after the wedding.
With regards to your parents pressuring you to wait, I don’t know what other life experience they expect you to have before getting married. Obviously it’s beneficial to know how to balance a checkbook and maintain a house before marriage, but to quote one of my favorite musicians “No beginner ever skipped the start.” If you two are really in love then postponing the marriage in the interest of getting more “life experience” has a limited utility. Only you and your fiancé can decide how best to handle your respective parents, although I expect this will not be the last time they try to pontificate to you.
Lastly, I don’t think cousin Bridezilla should have any effect on your decision. If she’s as selfish and immature as she sounds, you’re going to **** her off sooner or later. Why waste valuable time and effort trying to keep such a person happy?
With regards to your parents pressuring you to wait, I don’t know what other life experience they expect you to have before getting married. Obviously it’s beneficial to know how to balance a checkbook and maintain a house before marriage, but to quote one of my favorite musicians “No beginner ever skipped the start.” If you two are really in love then postponing the marriage in the interest of getting more “life experience” has a limited utility. Only you and your fiancé can decide how best to handle your respective parents, although I expect this will not be the last time they try to pontificate to you.
Lastly, I don’t think cousin Bridezilla should have any effect on your decision. If she’s as selfish and immature as she sounds, you’re going to **** her off sooner or later. Why waste valuable time and effort trying to keep such a person happy?
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Xantippe
Guest
I’d be very tempted to inquire as to what kind of “life experience” is needed before getting married.
My suspicion is that it’s usually “date other people than your fiance(e)”, which is not really doable once you’re engaged.
Other than that, I think one could properly be concerned that the young couple was so joined at the hip that they aren’t doing normal (wholesome!) college extracurricular activities and socializing, but that’s something to specifically address and that isn’t improved by just waiting to get married. I think I would specifically encourage young couples to continue to each pursue their separate interests, keep up friendships old and new, and practice hospitality together.
Another thing that they may be thinking of in terms of “life experience” is travel (and that genuinely is something that’s much easier and more affordable before children), but how much travel do ramen-eating highly-indebted college students really do, even these days?
My suspicion is that it’s usually “date other people than your fiance(e)”, which is not really doable once you’re engaged.
Other than that, I think one could properly be concerned that the young couple was so joined at the hip that they aren’t doing normal (wholesome!) college extracurricular activities and socializing, but that’s something to specifically address and that isn’t improved by just waiting to get married. I think I would specifically encourage young couples to continue to each pursue their separate interests, keep up friendships old and new, and practice hospitality together.
Another thing that they may be thinking of in terms of “life experience” is travel (and that genuinely is something that’s much easier and more affordable before children), but how much travel do ramen-eating highly-indebted college students really do, even these days?
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Irishmom2
Guest
If I said to one of my children that they need more life experience, it could be any number of things.
Do they have a job?
Can they support themself?
Do they know how to budget their money?
A bank account that they know how to balance?
Do they have enough skills such as cleaning, marketing, laundry etc?
Are they able to figure out how to handle problems such as car accidents and insurance companies?
Are they able to deal with disagreements on a satisfactory manner with family or strangers?
Do they have coping skills when life hands them loneliness, or disappointment or setbacks?
Yes, these are things that parents should try to, and hope to instill in their children. Some get it, some take a while longer.
Do they have a job?
Can they support themself?
Do they know how to budget their money?
A bank account that they know how to balance?
Do they have enough skills such as cleaning, marketing, laundry etc?
Are they able to figure out how to handle problems such as car accidents and insurance companies?
Are they able to deal with disagreements on a satisfactory manner with family or strangers?
Do they have coping skills when life hands them loneliness, or disappointment or setbacks?
Yes, these are things that parents should try to, and hope to instill in their children. Some get it, some take a while longer.
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Xantippe
Guest
Those are all very good.If I said to one of my children that they need more life experience, it could be any number of things.
Do they have a job?
Can they support themself?
Do they know how to budget their money?
A bank account that they know how to balance?
Do they have enough skills such as cleaning, marketing, laundry etc?
Are they able to figure out how to handle problems such as car accidents and insurance companies?
Are they able to deal with disagreements on a satisfactory manner with family or strangers?
Do they have coping skills when life hands them loneliness, or disappointment or setbacks?
Yes, these are things that parents should try to, and hope to instill in their children. Some get it, some take a while longer.
But I’m afraid that people who say that young couples need “life experience” usually don’t have nearly that detailed a list in mind.
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Graceful_Lamb
Guest
Possibly. They are adults. As for the parents thinking they need more life experience, I think that is bunk. Maybe one set of the parents doesn’t approve of their future in-law? Maybe they are hoping that given more time, the couple will part ways?
They are adults and they think they know each other well enough, etc. to get married, then why not? If they understand that marriage is until death do us part, and are good to go with all the Catholic teachings regarding this Sacrament, as well as the priest thinks they are ready for this Sacrament, then I don’t see any reason why they can’t be married sooner.
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GreyWings
Guest
Um, wish this happened for me, but I digress.
OP, you received some sound advice. Make a plan to marry go to confession and stop making love outside of marriage. You’ll be thankful for it on your wedding night.
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DReed1175
Guest
Perhaps I am so used to my parents’ way of thinking, but it is surprising me how much advice I’ve gotten just to move up the wedding! Honestly I hadn’t thought of that idea as a solution for impurity but it certainly makes sense.
As for not being ready to marry—one could easily argue that point. Honestly, I don’t think anyone is ever completely and 100% ready to marry. I know my family and I know moving up the wedding until this summer or even fall would ruin the relationship with my family and my fiancé’s family. I’m just not willing to do that. Perhaps that is immaturity, I’m not sure. We won’t let them dictate our lives, normally I make my own decisions and I certainly will not have my parents dictate anything once I’m married. But right now I’m living at home, they’re paying for everything (including my schooling!), and I need to take into account their opinion. I could move the wedding up if that was what I thought was best. I will certainly continue to pray about it and discuss it with the priest. But I do not think it is the best option for us. My fiancé will be leaving for extended periods of time every few months for his job, and I need my family. Yes, we have struggles with impurity and we are weak, but I think that it will be a good practice in learning how to take control of our own desires. Perhaps even the extra waiting time we can offer as a penance for our previous mistakes. I am also happy that we will save on decorations due to Christmas decorations still being up.
As for remaining chaste, I can identify certain things that lead to trouble, and we’ve discussed them and agreed to eliminate them. For example, if we’re sitting on the couch, both of us must remain sitting upright. We also agreed to say a purity prayer on each hour that we are together.
As long as my fiancé finds a job in his field, we will be financially ready to have a child 9 months into marriage. That should not be a problem at all. Drama is certainly something that is a struggle in this whole process and I just try not to let it affect me too much. I knew beforehand that it would be a factor and so I tried to prepare myself not to take things personally.
Taking advantage of this time while we wait is something I’m really trying to do. I’m already starting learning NFP and have been able to figure some things out on my own. We will be taking a class online in a few months and I’m actually really excited about it. I’ve been reading books and doing questionnaires with him. The advice that we shouldn’t allow wedding planning to replace marriage planning is phenomenal. I will have to keep that in mind.
My parents love my fiancé, that is not a problem in the slightest. They’ve told me multiple times that if they could hand pick a man for me, they could not have found one better than him. We are both also involved in plenty of other activities that we do on our own, so there is no problem there. We’ve both traveled quite a bit, especially him. If I had to say, I don’t think that my mom wants to be judged on her 20-year-old daughter getting married, and I think she doesn’t want to see me move out and not be her “little girl” anymore.
Thank you all for your advice!
As for not being ready to marry—one could easily argue that point. Honestly, I don’t think anyone is ever completely and 100% ready to marry. I know my family and I know moving up the wedding until this summer or even fall would ruin the relationship with my family and my fiancé’s family. I’m just not willing to do that. Perhaps that is immaturity, I’m not sure. We won’t let them dictate our lives, normally I make my own decisions and I certainly will not have my parents dictate anything once I’m married. But right now I’m living at home, they’re paying for everything (including my schooling!), and I need to take into account their opinion. I could move the wedding up if that was what I thought was best. I will certainly continue to pray about it and discuss it with the priest. But I do not think it is the best option for us. My fiancé will be leaving for extended periods of time every few months for his job, and I need my family. Yes, we have struggles with impurity and we are weak, but I think that it will be a good practice in learning how to take control of our own desires. Perhaps even the extra waiting time we can offer as a penance for our previous mistakes. I am also happy that we will save on decorations due to Christmas decorations still being up.
As for remaining chaste, I can identify certain things that lead to trouble, and we’ve discussed them and agreed to eliminate them. For example, if we’re sitting on the couch, both of us must remain sitting upright. We also agreed to say a purity prayer on each hour that we are together.
As long as my fiancé finds a job in his field, we will be financially ready to have a child 9 months into marriage. That should not be a problem at all. Drama is certainly something that is a struggle in this whole process and I just try not to let it affect me too much. I knew beforehand that it would be a factor and so I tried to prepare myself not to take things personally.
Taking advantage of this time while we wait is something I’m really trying to do. I’m already starting learning NFP and have been able to figure some things out on my own. We will be taking a class online in a few months and I’m actually really excited about it. I’ve been reading books and doing questionnaires with him. The advice that we shouldn’t allow wedding planning to replace marriage planning is phenomenal. I will have to keep that in mind.
My parents love my fiancé, that is not a problem in the slightest. They’ve told me multiple times that if they could hand pick a man for me, they could not have found one better than him. We are both also involved in plenty of other activities that we do on our own, so there is no problem there. We’ve both traveled quite a bit, especially him. If I had to say, I don’t think that my mom wants to be judged on her 20-year-old daughter getting married, and I think she doesn’t want to see me move out and not be her “little girl” anymore.
Thank you all for your advice!
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Xantippe
Guest
Very good!Perhaps I am so used to my parents’ way of thinking, but it is surprising me how much advice I’ve gotten just to move up the wedding! Honestly I hadn’t thought of that idea as a solution for impurity but it certainly makes sense.
As for not being ready to marry—one could easily argue that point. Honestly, I don’t think anyone is ever completely and 100% ready to marry. I know my family and I know moving up the wedding until this summer or even fall would ruin the relationship with my family and my fiancé’s family. I’m just not willing to do that. Perhaps that is immaturity, I’m not sure. We won’t let them dictate our lives, normally I make my own decisions and I certainly will not have my parents dictate anything once I’m married. But right now I’m living at home, they’re paying for everything (including my schooling!), and I need to take into account their opinion. I could move the wedding up if that was what I thought was best. I will certainly continue to pray about it and discuss it with the priest. But I do not think it is the best option for us. My fiancé will be leaving for extended periods of time every few months for his job, and I need my family. Yes, we have struggles with impurity and we are weak, but I think that it will be a good practice in learning how to take control of our own desires. Perhaps even the extra waiting time we can offer as a penance for our previous mistakes. I am also happy that we will save on decorations due to Christmas decorations still being up.
As for remaining chaste, I can identify certain things that lead to trouble, and we’ve discussed them and agreed to eliminate them. For example, if we’re sitting on the couch, both of us must remain sitting upright. We also agreed to say a purity prayer on each hour that we are together.
As long as my fiancé finds a job in his field, we will be financially ready to have a child 9 months into marriage. That should not be a problem at all. Drama is certainly something that is a struggle in this whole process and I just try not to let it affect me too much. I knew beforehand that it would be a factor and so I tried to prepare myself not to take things personally.
Taking advantage of this time while we wait is something I’m really trying to do. I’m already starting learning NFP and have been able to figure some things out on my own. We will be taking a class online in a few months and I’m actually really excited about it. I’ve been reading books and doing questionnaires with him. The advice that we shouldn’t allow wedding planning to replace marriage planning is phenomenal. I will have to keep that in mind.
My parents love my fiancé, that is not a problem in the slightest. They’ve told me multiple times that if they could hand pick a man for me, they could not have found one better than him. We are both also involved in plenty of other activities that we do on our own, so there is no problem there. We’ve both traveled quite a bit, especially him. If I had to say, I don’t think that my mom wants to be judged on her 20-year-old daughter getting married, and I think she doesn’t want to see me move out and not be her “little girl” anymore.
Thank you all for your advice!
You’ve already shown a lot of self-control and maturity with the relative with the “conflicting” wedding.
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