Struggling with sexual stuff

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RoseMarie

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I’m engaged to be married (in 2007; we won’t start pre-cana for another year or so). My fiance was baptised a Catholic, but raised without any religion; he more or less sees himself as agnostic, but thinks that the Church is logical and attends Mass with me / doesn’t mind giving me a lift to Confession.

The problem is that I’m the one with scruples about doing anything sexual (I am not speaking of intercourse). If I fall, and give in to temptation, he doesn’t see anything wrong with allowing me to make moves on him. Yes, it’s very pleasant for the time, but during and especially after doing anything, I agonise about it because I view anything past cuddling and kissing as a sin, and possibly mortal.

More than once, I’ve asked for a hiatus from anything past cuddling/kissing, and my fiance will agree. It’s always me who gives in to temptation and makes moves on him. He’s admitted that, being male (no offence to all you oaks out there), he’s easily aroused. So anytime I give in and make a move on him, he responds very strongly and next thing you know, we’ve gone way farther than I am comfortable with. Apparently, if he makes a move on me, I accuse him of being a randy beast and ignore his advances. The problem is definitely my libido here.

I don’t know what to do past putting limits in place, but since I end up only too willing to jump the limits, I’m a bit lost.
 
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RoseMarie:
More than once, I’ve asked for a hiatus from anything past cuddling/kissing, and my fiance will agree. It’s always me who gives in to temptation and makes moves on him. …The problem is definitely my libido here.

I don’t know what to do past putting limits in place, but since I end up only too willing to jump the limits, I’m a bit lost.
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The problem appears more to be one of lacking prudence to avoid the near occassion of sin. Is your finance open to some simple problem solving to mutually attain your goal of pre-marriage chastity?

“Prudence disposes the practical reason to discern, in every circumstance, our true good and to choose the right means for achieving it.” (CCC 1835)
 
One practical option is to avoid situations where you are alone together. Spend your couple time relatively public places. Also, if you do fall, avail yourself of the sacrament of reconciliation. This in combination with the Eucharist is very helpful, and can provide you with the strength you need to avoid sin.

Also, ask your fiance to be more on board with you here. Just because he is a man does not mean he cannot control himself, especially if he controls himself out of love and respect for you and concern for your spiritual condition. Since husbands and wives are supposed to support each other spiritually as a small, “domestic church”, this will be a good opportunity for the two of you to grow together.
 
After reading your post, the first word that comes to mind is “Love”. Let us realize that love is not a feeling; it is your will to want the best for another. And your *carrying out * of that will.

If you love yourself, you will naturally want the best for yourself. And if you love your fiance, you should naturally want the best for him. To love another involves denying yourself (that is denying your desire for pleasure because it can lead to sin)

For instance, if a parent does not allow his or her child to go to a certain party in which there can be a possible danger for the child, the child may not “like” the parent’s decision, yet the parent loves him (that is, wants the best for his child) and so does not permit his or her child to go to the party.

I believe that you know exactly what you need to do. The question is, will you cooperate? Living chastely involves reserving the love that belongs in marriage to marriage. This means you want the best for each other. You truly love him in this way because it is an unselfish act.
The greek word for love is Agape: pure self-gift. You know where the limits are and know exactly what to do. Again, are you willing to cooperate with that will?

Now, if french kissing causes you to come into an uncomfortable place, then refrain from it. If there are certain things that you or he are doing that bring you to a near occasion of sin, you know better than to make heavy moves. Don’t allow your brain to “shut-off” at a critical moment. Trust me, the wait that you make for your marriage is well worth the wait and a true sign of your love for your fiance. Are you willing to give your fiance the purest love?
 
ROSE Marie, i think a great thing you coulddo together is go to Holy mass, confession, adoration,Holy bible study and if you make the things of heaven apart of your relations it will give you grace to sustain a pure courtship until your wedded.

Pray , ask the Lord to help you,remember apart from him we cant live this life of holiness. Read Holy books and let them immerse you into there mentality.

Lastly , Remember the Words of Jesus Broad is the Road to Destruction and Many Enter in but narrow is the way to life and few find it.

Pick up your cross until the wedding and God will reward you gracefully in this life and the next.
 
First off I admire greatly what you are doing, it’s very admirable in this day and age. I was the exact opposite, I was never really raised in the Church, I recieved my Sacraments but more out of obligation, not want or desire.

Waiting until your wedding night I think will greatly highten the intimicay between you and your husband. By the time I was married, sex was little more than a physical act. I wish I could go back and do it all over. Trying to gain a spiritual foundation, after having walked a path of immorality, sex, drugs, self centeredness, and no religion for 28 years is very hard. You always doubt and backslide.

My best advice is heed my warning, I would love to do it all over again. I made bad choices when I was younger, you can regret them, and confess and repent, but you always have to live with your choices. And sometimes that’s the toughest part.

I have no practical advice on how to avoid going too far, since I know the pull is very hard. But you’ve made it this far, don’t make a decision you’ll regret.

God Bless
 
hey Mike D, Im Mike D TOO. I Grew up in Jersey,

anyway Just wanted tosay Hello ,
 
Rose Marie–
Here is my advice from the female perspective. I think it’s great that you’re waiting until marriage–most people don’t anymore, even those of the Catholic faith. They figure as long as they’re engaged, it’s okay. So hang in there.

What you are feeling is human and often caused by the cyclical nature of a woman’s hormonal state, totally normal and related to the human instinct to procreate. Perhaps pay attention to the times that you’re most amorous (for lack of better term!) and if you find, say, that it happens during the times when you’re ovulating, plan on staying busy those weeks. Direct your energy into something more productive, like prayer groups, knitting, a trip to the library, or coffee with some friends. Schedule those activities ahead of time so that you’re committed! I find that when I’m fighting anything physical (cravings, obsessive thoughts) it helps to divert and balance that energy. I hope this helps.

p.s. Exercise is also a great way to let off that steam!!! 👍
 
The best thing I have found is frequent confession. I stopped sinning in a lot of areas because I was ashamed to have to admit it in confession.

So, whenever I thought of sinning, I would think “Gee man. I don’t want to have to confess this AGAIN.” And I usually wouldn’t do it.

I also would think “Would I do this with Jesus in the room watching me?” No, of course I wouldn’t. But Jesus is ALWAYS in the room watching us, so we shouldn’t do it. 😃

Stay strong - I am told it is worth the wait.

Adam

Edit: And, God forbid, if it doesn’t work out. Then you have not saved yourself for your future husband. Its a gift we can only give once, and we should all make sure to give it to our spouse. Even I was planning to get married once, and it didn’t work out and I am now single.

I know that is hard to think now, but just remember, you arn’t married until you are actually married, no matter what your plans are right now.
 
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Unfinished:
I also would think “Would I do this with Jesus in the room watching me?” No, of course I wouldn’t. But Jesus is ALWAYS in the room watching us, so we shouldn’t do it. 😃
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Hmmm…what about the times a *married * couple is having intercourse? It would seem strange to think about Jesus in the room at that point. Not what I’d want to be thinking about…
 
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virgo:
Hmmm…what about the times a *married * couple is having intercourse? It would seem strange to think about Jesus in the room at that point. Not what I’d want to be thinking about…
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Well, Jesus approves of married couples, so it is okay. 😃

I said it helps if you are trying to stop a current action. If you don’t want/need to stop, don’t think about it. 😛
 
Maybe you could move up the wedding date?

It might be prudent.

It is nice that your fiance is so supportive.
 
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virgo:
Hmmm…what about the times a *married *couple is having intercourse? It would seem strange to think about Jesus in the room at that point. Not what I’d want to be thinking about…
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Really? Jesus is with us, every moment of every day. We strive to live EVERY ASPECT of our lives in a manner pleasing to Him - that includes what we do as a married couple.

Take it from an old married woman, prayer is vital to your married bedroom life!
 
RoseMarie,

I am soon-to-be-engaged as well, and I can relate to your issues of sexual purity. It is -very- difficult, as a lot of married couples can attest, to resist these temptations before marriage.

My man and I have found that the best thing to do is to pray the rosary together, at least a decade each night. Our alone time is spent doing something sacred, or at least we begin our alone/relax time in the evenings with something sacred, prayer. I realize that from what you say about your fiancee, though, this may not be possible.

Ask your man if he would be willing to even just sit with you as you say a prayer or pray a decade of the rosary. His presence there supporting you and watching you pray will be wonderful for you both, not to mention it may inspire him.

If he’s not willing to do this, even sit with you, you should remember that there is no LOVE without TRUTH. Just something to think about.

On a more personal and individual note, I often pray the rosary alone with the intention of helping to keep our relationship pure. I often say purity prayers to Our Lady and do candle offerings at mass to ask her to keep our relationship sacred.

I am becoming Catholic at Easter. My man is my sponsor for RCIA. I find that the more we draw closer to my baptism and confirmation, and spend more and more time in mass, RCIA, the rites I am attending, etc., the more graces we receive. The more SPIRITUALLY ATTRACTED I become to him, rather than physically… it is absolutely amazing, and I hope that you can find this point to ease some of your temptation.
 
Hello,

I was married in September and know what the struggle is like. My husband and I knew we would save sex for marriage, but we still had some challenges when it came to chastity.

The one thing I wish I had known is that the challenge of chastity does not end on one’s wedding day. It’s not about going from abstinence to having sex whenever and wherever all the time. Marriage still requires restraint at times for various reasons, and learning that restraint before the wedding is very valuable! It allows one to keep sex within its proper context and not place too much importance on it.

God bless.
 
JMJ Theresa:
Maybe you could move up the wedding date?

It might be prudent.

It is nice that your fiance is so supportive.
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It might be prudent if it really could be moved up. As it is, it’s as soon as possible. I’m seventeen and a half, and we intend to marry the summer I turn nineteen.
 
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kage_ar:
Really? Jesus is with us, every moment of every day. We strive to live EVERY ASPECT of our lives in a manner pleasing to Him - that includes what we do as a married couple.
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Hmmm…still not sure I want to be thinking about Jesus when I’m having sex. Just my personal preference.
 
Here is a different suggestion. furing the pre-cana time of our Church, a couple is asked to agree to and sign an agreement with themselves to not engage in sexual activity beyond french kissing until they are married. As part of the pre-cana time, the engaged couple has a mentor couple. If the engaged couple engages in sexual activity beyond french kissing (they may also choose not to engage in french kissing and have stricter limits), the man is to call the mentor husband and talk about it and pray together. The mentor is not to be judgemental, but is there to listen and pray with the engaged man. IF the engaged man does not call within 24 hours, then the engaged woman is to call the mentor wife. This program is said to be extremely effective!

If your Church does not have such a program, perhaps talk to your priest and find a couple that is faith filled and willing to be a mentor to you.

God bless. What you are attempting to do is commendable!
 
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virgo:
Rose Marie–
Here is my advice from the female perspective. I think it’s great that you’re waiting until marriage–most people don’t anymore, even those of the Catholic faith. They figure as long as they’re engaged, it’s okay. So hang in there.

What you are feeling is human and often caused by the cyclical nature of a woman’s hormonal state, totally normal and related to the human instinct to procreate. Perhaps pay attention to the times that you’re most amorous (for lack of better term!) and if you find, say, that it happens during the times when you’re ovulating, plan on staying busy those weeks. Direct your energy into something more productive, like prayer groups, knitting, a trip to the library, or coffee with some friends. Schedule those activities ahead of time so that you’re committed! I find that when I’m fighting anything physical (cravings, obsessive thoughts) it helps to divert and balance that energy. I hope this helps.

p.s. Exercise is also a great way to let off that steam!!! 👍
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This is the truth, it’s natural, it’s hormonal, it’s linked. Great advice here from Virgo!!
 
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