T
Timidity
Guest
Everyone has his weaknesses, I guess. I’m pretty immune to things like avarice and envy. My real weakness is lust, and it has been since I was first introduced to sex nearly 35 years ago. That’s over 87% of my life, for those of you who like to play with numbers.
I’ve been back in the Church for a little while now, and I’ve been doing ok. Not as great as I would like, but I’ve been making progress.
But now, I am currently away on a business trip, the first one since my return to Catholicism. Business trips are historically moments of great temptation for me. They are filled with urges to go to bad places where doing bad things is easy–urges I have historically always given into, Something about being alone, I guess. And the long hours fatigue me, and I’m always weakest when I’m tired.
The trip has been rough. The first week I was able to fight off the urges by telling myself that I didn’t want to jeopardize being able to receive communion at Mass, That worked.
This week, though… This week hasn’t been so good. It started out with the girl at the front desk whose mom apparently never taught her about leaning over when wearing baggy shirts. I normally try to avert my eyes from things like that, but this time I found myself looking. And when I realized I was looking, I didn’t stop. I went back to my room and my mind was racing with sinful fantasies–I tried to distract myself–the Catechism, the Bible, the Our Father. I like the Our Father–I contemplate on both the “thy will be done” and the “lead us not into temptation…” But my mind would not have it. I ended up getting into the car and driving to one of those Bad Places. I didn’t get out my car, though. I just sat there and thought “I don’t really want to do this” and so I left.
Last night I went to bed early. It was a good day, and I felt like I finally regained control of myself. I even said a specific thank you in my prayers for removing the temptation from me that day. But then, around midnight, I was awoken by the passionate screams of the couple in the adjoining room, whose bed apparently backs up to the same wall my bed is against. I sat there listening–aroused. It was like audio pornography, feeding my temptations. At one point I started to “take matters into my own hands”, but I stopped before it went too far.
But then the voice of my “carnal side” started. “I’ve already fallen. I enjoyed the sounds, and I started to sin. Just because I didn’t finish doesn’t make it a non-sin. I already can’t go to communion–why not just go to the Bad Place and get it out of my system?”
Of course I know the answers. Compounding sin with sin is even worse. It’s purposely relying on God’s forgiveness. It’s taking advantage of His suffering. So I struggled with this for hours and finally fell back asleep around 2 AM.
I feel like such a failure. Like I have betrayed my Lord.
I keep thinking about John 5:6 and 1 Corinthians 10:13.
So what’s the point of this post? Am I whining? Maybe. But the truth is that I’m scared. I’ve got one more night here. I’m running on reduced sleep already. Will I have the strength to resist? There’s no one here I can talk to–no one with a Catholic background that would strengthen me with faithful advice. So I turn to this forum.
I don’t want to sin.
I’ve been back in the Church for a little while now, and I’ve been doing ok. Not as great as I would like, but I’ve been making progress.
But now, I am currently away on a business trip, the first one since my return to Catholicism. Business trips are historically moments of great temptation for me. They are filled with urges to go to bad places where doing bad things is easy–urges I have historically always given into, Something about being alone, I guess. And the long hours fatigue me, and I’m always weakest when I’m tired.
The trip has been rough. The first week I was able to fight off the urges by telling myself that I didn’t want to jeopardize being able to receive communion at Mass, That worked.
This week, though… This week hasn’t been so good. It started out with the girl at the front desk whose mom apparently never taught her about leaning over when wearing baggy shirts. I normally try to avert my eyes from things like that, but this time I found myself looking. And when I realized I was looking, I didn’t stop. I went back to my room and my mind was racing with sinful fantasies–I tried to distract myself–the Catechism, the Bible, the Our Father. I like the Our Father–I contemplate on both the “thy will be done” and the “lead us not into temptation…” But my mind would not have it. I ended up getting into the car and driving to one of those Bad Places. I didn’t get out my car, though. I just sat there and thought “I don’t really want to do this” and so I left.
Last night I went to bed early. It was a good day, and I felt like I finally regained control of myself. I even said a specific thank you in my prayers for removing the temptation from me that day. But then, around midnight, I was awoken by the passionate screams of the couple in the adjoining room, whose bed apparently backs up to the same wall my bed is against. I sat there listening–aroused. It was like audio pornography, feeding my temptations. At one point I started to “take matters into my own hands”, but I stopped before it went too far.
But then the voice of my “carnal side” started. “I’ve already fallen. I enjoyed the sounds, and I started to sin. Just because I didn’t finish doesn’t make it a non-sin. I already can’t go to communion–why not just go to the Bad Place and get it out of my system?”
Of course I know the answers. Compounding sin with sin is even worse. It’s purposely relying on God’s forgiveness. It’s taking advantage of His suffering. So I struggled with this for hours and finally fell back asleep around 2 AM.
I feel like such a failure. Like I have betrayed my Lord.
I keep thinking about John 5:6 and 1 Corinthians 10:13.
So what’s the point of this post? Am I whining? Maybe. But the truth is that I’m scared. I’ve got one more night here. I’m running on reduced sleep already. Will I have the strength to resist? There’s no one here I can talk to–no one with a Catholic background that would strengthen me with faithful advice. So I turn to this forum.
I don’t want to sin.
