Stuggling with some changes I need to make

[lookingforward]

I don’t really know if this is the best place to post this, but I needed to get somethings out of my system that I am dealing with right now and alse I hope for some suggestions.

I will make a long story short. When I met my husband I was dealing with some very deep hurt and going through a major healing process. I suffered some sexual, emotional, and self abuse growing up and the emotional pain from it escalated right before my husband walked into my life. I truly believe my husband was sent to me at the perfect time…to help me and be a friend when I had no one. He showed me that I was lovable by humans and by God. I put him through some hard times and through it all he stood by me. I went through a major healing process by the grace of God and by the time we married I had healed much and learned to give up a deep rooted resentment that I long held towards my parents and stop hurting myself as well. I no longer felt a dark despair in my life and I was able to start a new life with my husband. On my wedding day when I layed my bouquet in from of our Lady I just started sobbing because not only did I know she had helped me through so much darkness, but I was able to leave the despair and dark past behind there at her altar and begin a new life. It was a glorious moment!

That being said, I have been able to heal to the point that the pain of the past doesn’t hurt so much. The things that happened to me are just part of my past now and they don’t hold guilt or despair when I think of them…yes they make me sad and I still feel twinges of pain but they no longer are destroying me. Yet there is something more that needs doing in me and this is where I hope for some advice.

When you live so long in a world of just trying to survive and just trying to keep everyone out so you don’t get hurt…you develop bad habits of shutting people off and trying to control your life and those around you. The other night I had an honest talk with my husband and he told me that at times I am terrible mean and controling. I know this is a result of very bad habits caused by the past. My heart closes easily when there is the smallest threat. I shut out love very often and I can be so cold even to those I love. I have known this, but it hit me hard the other night when he said and I have been thinking very hard the past few days on how to change it.

We are expecting our first baby soon and for my childs sake and for the sake of my husband I want to be a better and more gentle,loving person. It is hard when you don’t have a lot of example to follow. Its an unknown area for me and its difficult and a little scary. I feel pretty vulnerable. I don’t know how to be those things but I know they are inside of me and I want to grow those virtues. Of course Our Lord in the blessed Sacrament and the lives of the saints are a great way to start…but any practical advice too would be wonderful : ) Thanks!

 

[fillmewithlove]

Wow, I feel like we are kindred spirits. I just posted a similar post to the Apologists because I don’t know where to turn. The story of placing the flowers at the feet of Our Lady was beautiful. I have been married to the most wonderful man for over 10 years and we have 4 children. I also feel like I have resolved a lot of my past, but have the “habit” as you said about shutting people out. I feel numb most of the time and often just do my motherly and wifely duties out of obligation rather than love. I feel like my husband has been the best example I could dream of for how to live but somehow I cannot come out from under the darkness of my past to truly love. Now, I am scared of losing my marriage. My husband feels empty from the lack of love from me. And I know that my perspective of God is also skewed, and the fact that I am lovable and capable of love through our Lord has not penetrated me to my core. I have prayed about it, confessed it and gone to therapy. I just can’t seem to overcome it.
I will pray for you and ask for your prayers as well. I am interested to see what other advice anyone has. God Bless.

 

[Rita77]

Dr Rick Fitzgibbons (Catholic psychologist) forgiveness therapy. he has been on EWTN. here is his link maritalhealing.com/conflicts.php sub in parent instead of spouse or whatever applies. He also has some great talks on Women of Grace (EWTN show). Women of Grace link womenofgrace.com/en-us/default.aspx . there are some great books articles and videos on women of grace. Back to forgiveness therapy you may be able to find a Catholic social service counselor who is trained in forgiveness therapy.

 

[Musician]

You can make behavior changes in a very deliberate way, such as with a check list. (Those of us who were abused as children often turn on the very ones we love most, and it is a very hard habit to break.) I did my graduate work in counseling psychology and I learned some very good methods to help break bad habits.
Sometimes just common sense solutions: the check list, for example. Make a list of nice things you want to do/say to your DH every day. I actually had to learn to do this, believe it or not.
I want to offer you hope that you CAN make these changes, and occasionally you may need therapy. Praying the Rosary every day helps mightily.
Weigh your thoughts and actions prior to committing them. Remember, your family now is not the enemy. Pray to the Blessed Mother for grace and loving compassion.
I will pray for you!

 

[fillmewithlove]

Dr Rick Fitzgibbons (Catholic psychologist) forgiveness therapy. he has been on EWTN. here is his link maritalhealing.com/conflicts.php sub in parent instead of spouse or whatever applies. He also has some great talks on Women of Grace (EWTN show). Women of Grace link womenofgrace.com/en-us/default.aspx . there are some great books articles and videos on women of grace. Back to forgiveness therapy you may be able to find a Catholic social service counselor who is trained in forgiveness therapy.

Thank you for this link. Just checking out the site gives me insight and hope.

 

[fillmewithlove]

You can make behavior changes in a very deliberate way, such as with a check list. (Those of us who were abused as children often turn on the very ones we love most, and it is a very hard habit to break.) I did my graduate work in counseling psychology and I learned some very good methods to help break bad habits.
Sometimes just common sense solutions: the check list, for example. Make a list of nice things you want to do/say to your DH every day. I actually had to learn to do this, believe it or not.
I want to offer you hope that you CAN make these changes, and occasionally you may need therapy. Praying the Rosary every day helps mightily.
Weigh your thoughts and actions prior to committing them. Remember, your family now is not the enemy. Pray to the Blessed Mother for grace and loving compassion.
I will pray for you!

Thank you, Musician. I am very much a checklist person and often lean on them, but have wondered when it will move from mechanical (obligation) to true love. Did this happen for you?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t really know if this is the best place to post this, but I needed to get somethings out of my system that I am dealing with right now and alse I hope for some suggestions.

I will make a long story short. When I met my husband I was dealing with some very deep hurt and going through a major healing process. I suffered some sexual, emotional, and self abuse growing up and the emotional pain from it escalated right before my husband walked into my life. I truly believe my husband was sent to me at the perfect time…to help me and be a friend when I had no one. He showed me that I was lovable by humans and by God. I put him through some hard times and through it all he stood by me. I went through a major healing process by the grace of God and by the time we married I had healed much and learned to give up a deep rooted resentment that I long held towards my parents and stop hurting myself as well. I no longer felt a dark despair in my life and I was able to start a new life with my husband. On my wedding day when I layed my bouquet in from of our Lady I just started sobbing because not only did I know she had helped me through so much darkness, but I was able to leave the despair and dark past behind there at her altar and begin a new life. It was a glorious moment!

That being said, I have been able to heal to the point that the pain of the past doesn’t hurt so much. The things that happened to me are just part of my past now and they don’t hold guilt or despair when I think of them…yes they make me sad and I still feel twinges of pain but they no longer are destroying me. Yet there is something more that needs doing in me and this is where I hope for some advice.

When you live so long in a world of just trying to survive and just trying to keep everyone out so you don’t get hurt…you develop bad habits of shutting people off and trying to control your life and those around you. The other night I had an honest talk with my husband and he told me that at times I am terrible mean and controling. I know this is a result of very bad habits caused by the past. My heart closes easily when there is the smallest threat. I shut out love very often and I can be so cold even to those I love. I have known this, but it hit me hard the other night when he said and I have been thinking very hard the past few days on how to change it.

We are expecting our first baby soon and for my childs sake and for the sake of my husband I want to be a better and more gentle,loving person. It is hard when you don’t have a lot of example to follow. Its an unknown area for me and its difficult and a little scary. I feel pretty vulnerable. I don’t know how to be those things but I know they are inside of me and I want to grow those virtues. Of course Our Lord in the blessed Sacrament and the lives of the saints are a great way to start…but any practical advice too would be wonderful : ) Thanks!

You might find that the rest of your heart will heal once you hold your baby in your arms. You probably will also feel a deeper pain than you ever have, when you realize that your own parents didn’t show you the kind of love that you feel for your baby.

You have done a lot on your own, at least you don’t mention any counseling. You might consider going to a counselor in order to work on changing the lifelong habits and character defects that impede you in your daily life. Not just to go back over the past, but to come up with some new tools to live the life you want to life with your husband and child. You can call Catholic Charities and get counseling on a sliding scale, and it’s not analysis of all the problems but is solution-focused.

 

[promethius]

I don’t really know if this is the best place to post this, but I needed to get somethings out of my system that I am dealing with right now and alse I hope for some suggestions.

I will make a long story short. When I met my husband I was dealing with some very deep hurt and going through a major healing process. I suffered some sexual, emotional, and self abuse growing up and the emotional pain from it escalated right before my husband walked into my life. I truly believe my husband was sent to me at the perfect time…to help me and be a friend when I had no one. He showed me that I was lovable by humans and by God. I put him through some hard times and through it all he stood by me. I went through a major healing process by the grace of God and by the time we married I had healed much and learned to give up a deep rooted resentment that I long held towards my parents and stop hurting myself as well. I no longer felt a dark despair in my life and I was able to start a new life with my husband. On my wedding day when I layed my bouquet in from of our Lady I just started sobbing because not only did I know she had helped me through so much darkness, but I was able to leave the despair and dark past behind there at her altar and begin a new life. It was a glorious moment!

That being said, I have been able to heal to the point that the pain of the past doesn’t hurt so much. The things that happened to me are just part of my past now and they don’t hold guilt or despair when I think of them…yes they make me sad and I still feel twinges of pain but they no longer are destroying me. Yet there is something more that needs doing in me and this is where I hope for some advice.

When you live so long in a world of just trying to survive and just trying to keep everyone out so you don’t get hurt…you develop bad habits of shutting people off and trying to control your life and those around you. The other night I had an honest talk with my husband and he told me that at times I am terrible mean and controling. I know this is a result of very bad habits caused by the past. My heart closes easily when there is the smallest threat. I shut out love very often and I can be so cold even to those I love. I have known this, but it hit me hard the other night when he said and I have been thinking very hard the past few days on how to change it.

We are expecting our first baby soon and for my childs sake and for the sake of my husband I want to be a better and more gentle,loving person. It is hard when you don’t have a lot of example to follow. Its an unknown area for me and its difficult and a little scary. I feel pretty vulnerable. I don’t know how to be those things but I know they are inside of me and I want to grow those virtues. Of course Our Lord in the blessed Sacrament and the lives of the saints are a great way to start…but any practical advice too would be wonderful : ) Thanks!

Do you have anything of an example, even hypothetical, so that we can tell a little bit more about what you’re asking?

In the meantime, let me give you an analogy: we guys think of ourselves as lions. We’re the dude, the mighty beast running across the plains and hunting wildebeasts and such. That’s an important image for us to have of ourselves. Our confidence ties in to a big part of who we are, and without a HEALTHY ego (and I stress healthy there, not oversized), we begin to feel, well, less than lion-like.

Perhaps you’re stepping on his hopes and dreams too much. When he comes to you and says he’s going to do something, do you find yourself affirming that you believe he can do it, or telling him not to try? (unless it’s dangerous, let him have your support… even if he fails it’s important to him to believe that YOU believe in him). When there’s a decision to be made, do you ever cede the answer to him? Do you send him on errands for you, but then not turn around and do things for him (as favors) too? There are a lot of ways that you could accidently be “bearding the lion”… and we can discuss… but just remember that for the health of your relationship it’s important that your man feels like a man…

 

[SurlyMermaid]

Wow. I could have written the original post!!! I just had our first child (my fourth; his second).

I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to say thanks so much for posting this and thank you to everyone who is responding!!! :grouphug: