Talk to Brother about Sexuality

[Suscipiat2011]

Hello All,
I have a specific problem, and although I hesitate creating another thread about this topic, I would like some specific help.
My brother and I are two years apart; I am currently 19 and he is 17. When he was, I suppose, 12 or so, he started getting into pornography, and with that, I can assume Masturbation. Soon through a series of events my parents discovered his problem, and they punished him by grounding him, taking away computer privileges, increased chores etc. But they really never got into the heart of the problem.
SInce then, he has continued, and has been discovered by my parents on several occasions, and was subsequently punished. During this time, my parents went through a separation and divorce.
For a while now, I have suspected that he has been getting into this again, but I did not have proof, until this morning when I saw his internet history. Since he is looking at pornography, I can only assume other impure actions are being committed.
I want to tell my parents, as I have been the one of informing them on every other occasion, but I am not sure I should this time. They have to know he has a problem, but they are not dealing with it, they only punish him.
I would like to to talk to him as a big brother, who has gone through this kind of thing before, (not pornography but other acts of impurity), but the problem is that he and I don’t have a great relationship. It seems we have been at enmity since our birth. I really want him to live a life of purity, not traveling down these paths, but he doesn’t seem to care, and no amount of punishment seems to help.
Considering our rocky history, how am I to approach him about this?

God Bless

 

[Catholic80]

Hello All,
I have a specific problem, and although I hesitate creating another thread about this topic, I would like some specific help.
My brother and I are two years apart; I am currently 19 and he is 17. When he was, I suppose, 12 or so, he started getting into pornography, and with that, I can assume Masturbation. Soon through a series of events my parents discovered his problem, and they punished him by grounding him, taking away computer privileges, increased chores etc. But they really never got into the heart of the problem.
SInce then, he has continued, and has been discovered by my parents on several occasions, and was subsequently punished. During this time, my parents went through a separation and divorce.
For a while now, I have suspected that he has been getting into this again, but I did not have proof, until this morning when I saw his internet history. Since he is looking at pornography, I can only assume other impure actions are being committed.
I want to tell my parents, as I have been the one of informing them on every other occasion, but I am not sure I should this time. They have to know he has a problem, but they are not dealing with it, they only punish him.
I would like to to talk to him as a big brother, who has gone through this kind of thing before, (not pornography but other acts of impurity), but the problem is that he and I don’t have a great relationship. It seems we have been at enmity since our birth. I really want him to live a life of purity, not traveling down these paths, but he doesn’t seem to care, and no amount of punishment seems to help.
Considering our rocky history, how am I to approach him about this?

God Bless

I think many people make the mistake of punishing their children for a porn addiction or the like, when I truly believe it needs to be treated with all the sensitivity in the world and requires and extra dose of love and compassion. So, if your parents are big into punishing for this behavior, I would avoid telling them in the present. Punishing him for this is more apt to have a negative and harmful affect. You might want to sit down and have a conversation with them about how to healthily deal with your brother, maybe after your conversation with him. He also may trust you and be more open with you if he knows you are not going to go running and tattle on him. He could see you as a confidant and someone to look up to.

I do agree that you should approach your younger brother, and it seems like you want to do this out of a genuine love for him. This may be the catalyst that helps make your relationship stronger and grow.

Be open and honest with him about your feelings as well as your own struggles. Adrienne von Speyr often talks about the “confessional attitude” meaning we stand naked before Christ, not hiding anything. We don’t put up any false pretenses or lies. We are exactly who we are in front of Christ.

Well, Christ is present in everyone and He especially shows His face in those that are suffering. Your brother is suffering with these problems. From my experience, a person suffering with an addiction can be helped better by those who have suffered similarly. Why is it that at Alcoholics Anonymous, the alcoholic has a sponsor who also is a recovered alcoholic?

I think it’s great that you are wanting to help your brother and can share your own experiences of impurities, even if they are not exactly the same. By doing so, you are admitting your own human weaknesses, you also are being a witness in front of him by your courage and strength to overcome these impurities and you acknowledge that they are harmful. By doing this for your brother, it may also help you to even further overcome your difficulties.

Before you talk to your brother, you might want to ask for the intercessions of St. Augustine, St. Mary of Egypt, St. Margaret of Cortona, and St. Dominic. St. Augustine, St. Margaret of Cortona and St. Mary of Egypt all suffered from sexual impurities… in fact, St. Mary had a sexual addiction. St. Dominic, while never giving in, suffered a severe sexual temptation and overcame it, which is why he too is a patron against sexual impurity.

Ask for their intercession and for them to help you and your brother. The Holy Spirit is also a good one to ask to intervene in your conversation

 

[ricofall]

One thing I want to point out is that he may not have a porn addiction as much has he has a sex addiction (or masturbation). He could be using the porn to feed his main problem.

 

[LoyalViews]

Hello All,
I have a specific problem, and although I hesitate creating another thread about this topic, I would like some specific help.
My brother and I are two years apart; I am currently 19 and he is 17. When he was, I suppose, 12 or so, he started getting into pornography, and with that, I can assume Masturbation. Soon through a series of events my parents discovered his problem, and they punished him by grounding him, taking away computer privileges, increased chores etc. But they really never got into the heart of the problem.
SInce then, he has continued, and has been discovered by my parents on several occasions, and was subsequently punished. During this time, my parents went through a separation and divorce.
For a while now, I have suspected that he has been getting into this again, but I did not have proof, until this morning when I saw his internet history. Since he is looking at pornography, I can only assume other impure actions are being committed.
I want to tell my parents, as I have been the one of informing them on every other occasion, but I am not sure I should this time. They have to know he has a problem, but they are not dealing with it, they only punish him.
I would like to to talk to him as a big brother, who has gone through this kind of thing before, (not pornography but other acts of impurity), but the problem is that he and I don’t have a great relationship. It seems we have been at enmity since our birth. I really want him to live a life of purity, not traveling down these paths, but he doesn’t seem to care, and no amount of punishment seems to help.
Considering our rocky history, how am I to approach him about this?

God Bless

You are his older brother, and not his parent…BUT, since you ARE his older brother and not his parent, you have certain advantages in this.

It might be awkward to tell your parents again, and since they’re only punishing him and he keeps on doing it, it’s not working.

Talk to him. You could say something along the lines of “Listen, I know we never were that close: forget all that and hear me out, this is important, and it concerns where you are headed”. Be firm-ish, but also loving.

Ask why he does it, and what does it accomplish. I would talk to your priest about it too, and get advice on explaining WHY what he’s doing is wrong. So far, your brother has only known punishment for his actions, and you could be the first to really explain WHY he was punished and WHY what he’s doing is incorrect and sinful.

Have a discussion, and if he avoids the topic and shoves it off, leave it at that and try the next day or a few hours later. The fact that you’re concerned about him is amazing and you should let him know that you’re concerned.

 

[sllhouette]

Hello All,
I have a specific problem, and although I hesitate creating another thread about this topic, I would like some specific help.
My brother and I are two years apart; I am currently 19 and he is 17. When he was, I suppose, 12 or so, he started getting into pornography, and with that, I can assume Masturbation. Soon through a series of events my parents discovered his problem, and they punished him by grounding him, taking away computer privileges, increased chores etc. But they really never got into the heart of the problem.
SInce then, he has continued, and has been discovered by my parents on several occasions, and was subsequently punished. During this time, my parents went through a separation and divorce.
For a while now, I have suspected that he has been getting into this again, but I did not have proof, until this morning when I saw his internet history. Since he is looking at pornography, I can only assume other impure actions are being committed.
I want to tell my parents, as I have been the one of informing them on every other occasion, but I am not sure I should this time. They have to know he has a problem, but they are not dealing with it, they only punish him.
I would like to to talk to him as a big brother, who has gone through this kind of thing before, (not pornography but other acts of impurity), but the problem is that he and I don’t have a great relationship. It seems we have been at enmity since our birth. I really want him to live a life of purity, not traveling down these paths, but he doesn’t seem to care, and no amount of punishment seems to help.
Considering our rocky history, how am I to approach him about this?

God Bless

This is something that is going to take time.

The first thing you should focus on is building your relationship. Go hiking, or biking together or something. The only way to build a relationship with someone is to spend time with them.

 

[lerapt78]

^^ This. Firstly OP, I admire that you care enough for your brother, despite your differences, to think about ways in which you can help him.

As the above poster said, it might be better at this time to focus on becoming closer to him before you tackle this issue. If the two of you are at odds, it’s very likely that anything you say to him (even if you are correct) could be perceived as a personal attack. What’s most important is being a man that your brother respects enough to make him *want *to listen to what you have to say. All else can come later.

Best wishes.

 

[animalis]

I would talk to your priest about it too, and get advice on explaining WHY what he’s doing is wrong.

I believe the gifts of the Holy Spirit are at issue and they reside with the priest. Taking counsel from a priest who apparently lives in accord with the Gift of Knowledge (the conviction of the Holy Spirit of the vanities of the world and a disposition of repugance to those vanities) would generate a good resoultion for you and your brother. In your brother, the gift of the Fear of the Lord is needed to begin the journey to the fullness of the gift of Wisdom. How else can that happen but by your fasting and prayer? Advice from the priest in this would be good to do so that it stamps out your self-will, which is your chief enemy in this.

 

[Rhuarc]

I think many people make the mistake of punishing their children for a porn addiction or the like, when I truly believe it needs to be treated with all the sensitivity in the world and requires and extra dose of love and compassion. So, if your parents are big into punishing for this behavior, I would avoid telling them in the present. Punishing him for this is more apt to have a negative and harmful affect. You might want to sit down and have a conversation with them about how to healthily deal with your brother, maybe after your conversation with him. He also may trust you and be more open with you if he knows you are not going to go running and tattle on him. He could see you as a confidant and someone to look up to.

I do agree that you should approach your younger brother, and it seems like you want to do this out of a genuine love for him. This may be the catalyst that helps make your relationship stronger and grow.

Be open and honest with him about your feelings as well as your own struggles. Adrienne von Speyr often talks about the “confessional attitude” meaning we stand naked before Christ, not hiding anything. We don’t put up any false pretenses or lies. We are exactly who we are in front of Christ.

Well, Christ is present in everyone and He especially shows His face in those that are suffering. Your brother is suffering with these problems. From my experience, a person suffering with an addiction can be helped better by those who have suffered similarly. Why is it that at Alcoholics Anonymous, the alcoholic has a sponsor who also is a recovered alcoholic?

I think it’s great that you are wanting to help your brother and can share your own experiences of impurities, even if they are not exactly the same. By doing so, you are admitting your own human weaknesses, you also are being a witness in front of him by your courage and strength to overcome these impurities and you acknowledge that they are harmful. By doing this for your brother, it may also help you to even further overcome your difficulties.

Before you talk to your brother, you might want to ask for the intercessions of St. Augustine, St. Mary of Egypt, St. Margaret of Cortona, and St. Dominic. St. Augustine, St. Margaret of Cortona and St. Mary of Egypt all suffered from sexual impurities… in fact, St. Mary had a sexual addiction. St. Dominic, while never giving in, suffered a severe sexual temptation and overcame it, which is why he too is a patron against sexual impurity.

Ask for their intercession and for them to help you and your brother. The Holy Spirit is also a good one to ask to intervene in your conversation

Don’t forget Mary Magdalene!

 

[twoangels]

I don’t think you can. You’ve burned a lot of bridges. You’ve tattled on him every time he’s done this. Now you want to preach at him. Even if you did have a good relationship with him, this is a very embarrassing subject that would likely burn some bridges.

Informing your parents the first time was fine, but now that they know the problem is there, its not up to you anymore. I would pray for your brother and focus on your own spiritual journey rather than where you wish he’d be on it.

 

[interestedman]

Hello All,
I have a specific problem, and although I hesitate creating another thread about this topic, I would like some specific help.
My brother and I are two years apart; I am currently 19 and he is 17. When he was, I suppose, 12 or so, he started getting into pornography, and with that, I can assume Masturbation. Soon through a series of events my parents discovered his problem, and they punished him by grounding him, taking away computer privileges, increased chores etc. But they really never got into the heart of the problem.
SInce then, he has continued, and has been discovered by my parents on several occasions, and was subsequently punished. During this time, my parents went through a separation and divorce.
For a while now, I have suspected that he has been getting into this again, but I did not have proof, until this morning when I saw his internet history. Since he is looking at pornography, I can only assume other impure actions are being committed.
I want to tell my parents, as I have been the one of informing them on every other occasion, but I am not sure I should this time. They have to know he has a problem, but they are not dealing with it, they only punish him.
I would like to to talk to him as a big brother, who has gone through this kind of thing before, (not pornography but other acts of impurity), but the problem is that he and I don’t have a great relationship. It seems we have been at enmity since our birth. I really want him to live a life of purity, not traveling down these paths, but he doesn’t seem to care, and no amount of punishment seems to help.
Considering our rocky history, how am I to approach him about this?

God Bless

A teenage boy is looking at pornography and masturbating? I don’t believe it! It isn’t as if this is completely normal or anything.

 

[Hypnotoad]

Hello All,
I have a specific problem, and although I hesitate creating another thread about this topic, I would like some specific help.
My brother and I are two years apart; I am currently 19 and he is 17. When he was, I suppose, 12 or so, he started getting into pornography, and with that, I can assume Masturbation. Soon through a series of events my parents discovered his problem, and they punished him by grounding him, taking away computer privileges, increased chores etc. But they really never got into the heart of the problem.
SInce then, he has continued, and has been discovered by my parents on several occasions, and was subsequently punished. During this time, my parents went through a separation and divorce.
For a while now, I have suspected that he has been getting into this again, but I did not have proof, until this morning when I saw his internet history. Since he is looking at pornography, I can only assume other impure actions are being committed.
I want to tell my parents, as I have been the one of informing them on every other occasion, but I am not sure I should this time. They have to know he has a problem, but they are not dealing with it, they only punish him.
I would like to to talk to him as a big brother, who has gone through this kind of thing before, (not pornography but other acts of impurity), but the problem is that he and I don’t have a great relationship. It seems we have been at enmity since our birth. I really want him to live a life of purity, not traveling down these paths, but he doesn’t seem to care, and no amount of punishment seems to help.
Considering our rocky history, how am I to approach him about this?

God Bless

Well the first thing you could do would be pray that he will open up to you. The second thing you can do is understand that your brother has most likely been sexually abused as a child by either a family member or family friend. Third you need to see if he does want to stop or if he understands that his actions are compulsive. Forthly your brother is probably dealing with another addiction on top of his sexual problem which feeds it and vice versa. Most addicts will either deny they have a problem or they will admit they have a problem but can’t stop. If he is denying he has a problem then there is nothing much you can do except pray for him until he comes to the point where he admits he has a problem he is unable to stop. Either way actually don’t stop praying for him.

Other than that you could go to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting and invite him to join you for support.

 

[Suscipiat2011]

Well the first thing you could do would be pray that he will open up to you. The second thing you can do is understand that your brother has most likely been sexually abused as a child by either a family member or family friend. Third you need to see if he does want to stop or if he understands that his actions are compulsive. Forthly your brother is probably dealing with another addiction on top of his sexual problem which feeds it and vice versa. Most addicts will either deny they have a problem or they will admit they have a problem but can’t stop. If he is denying he has a problem then there is nothing much you can do except pray for him until he comes to the point where he admits he has a problem he is unable to stop. Either way actually don’t stop praying for him.

Other than that you could go to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting and invite him to join you for support.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Looking at pornography does not equal being sexually abused as a child. I know plenty of guys who do this and were not harmed in such a way. He probably found it by accident and found that he liked it. It is very addicting.
One should refrain from making such rash judgments of such little information. I did not say that he was showing any other behavior that would point to such a conclusion. I merely said that he looks at pornography and thus I can assure masturbates.

 

[interestedman]

The second thing you can do is understand that your brother has most likely been sexually abused as a child by either a family member or family friend.

This is ABSOLUTE NONSENSE. So a teenage boy that looks at pornography and masturbates has probably been sexually abused? You have to be kidding.

 

[lerapt78]

Well the first thing you could do would be pray that he will open up to you. The second thing you can do is understand that your brother has most likely been sexually abused as a child by either a family member or family friend. Third you need to see if he does want to stop or if he understands that his actions are compulsive. Forthly your brother is probably dealing with another addiction on top of his sexual problem which feeds it and vice versa. Most addicts will either deny they have a problem or they will admit they have a problem but can’t stop. If he is denying he has a problem then there is nothing much you can do except pray for him until he comes to the point where he admits he has a problem he is unable to stop. Either way actually don’t stop praying for him.

Other than that you could go to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting and invite him to join you for support.

Hypnotoad, I think it’s extreme to suggest that he was most likely abused. Many teenage boys will look at pornography for the very simple reason that it is exciting to them. Visual pornography caters to male sexuality, and so it will naturally entice them and have them looking for more of it. A significant part of the adolescent psychology is the focus on self, and most teenagers (with exception) will pursue pleasures without really examining the consequences or the variables surrounding those pleasures. Whereas the adult should have the foresight to see the inherent damage in pornography (to himself, the actors/actresses, the predatory exploitation of those in the business, the way men and women view each other, etc), the teenager most likely will not. But this does not necessarily stem from abuse - we have to be careful with that kind of suggestion, as it can impact the adults around him.

I agree wholeheartedly when you broach the subject of addiction because it’s a very likely outcome for many teenage boys, and it is very hard to break once it has taken hold. So while I detest the pornographers, I can understand how and why the average viewer is held captive to them.

OP, since you mentioned that you saw your brother’s internet history, I’m curious as to how he is able to view so much of this material in your parent’s home (I assume that at 17 yrs, he still lives there?). Have you suggested to your mother or father to enable parental controls over the computer?

 

[Hypnotoad]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Looking at pornography does not equal being sexually abused as a child. I know plenty of guys who do this and were not harmed in such a way. He probably found it by accident and found that he liked it. It is very addicting.
One should refrain from making such rash judgments of such little information. I did not say that he was showing any other behavior that would point to such a conclusion. I merely said that he looks at pornography and thus I can assure masturbates.

I understand why this would be your stance; however abuse is a very hidden thing and rarely talked about in public. For those who have been abused its not easy to express what is being felt and this behavior can manifest itself in different ways. Porn doesn’t just focus on our sexuality; it also focuses on our curiosity. This is why most people that start looking at porn, eventually graduate to more graphic content. Sometimes the abuse one received at a young age is troubling becuase it happened during a time when hormones are going crazy. I guess I came to my conculsion about the sexual abuse since your brother started his habit when he was 12, which was the same time I was sexualy abused and began my habit which wasn’t btw a lot of people thought wasn’t of the norm behavior; a little porn here and there. Heck I’m sure most of my close friends and family just brushed it off as normal teenage boy stuff.

Brush it off if you want; I’m just saying it could be the cause.