Talking to disabled people doesn’t bring me joy

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A fellow Christian, a disabled person, invited me to join in the periodic gathering for the disabled persons. It was held in the weekends and holidays and about 50 disabled and healthy church goers came. I joined three times so far. But I could not enjoy much. I knew making the disabled people delighted by showing them support and understanding was a very good thing for them, because they always experienced inconvenience and marginalized in the society. I also believed such participation was what a Christian should do. But, I am finding it increasingly boring, to be honest. The hearing impaired people brought interpreters with them. They would share their faith and wishes. Like there weren’t enough hand sign interpreters in their church, and such. Or which priest was the most nice to the handicapped. (We also talked about other general church things.) I tried to listen. But, a couple of hours of such a session would make me feel the session was long. I am wondering if I should resign from participation from the next time. Apparently the person who invited me saw I was indifferent so he now seems distant from me. I regularly visit homeless people and this volunteer is ok with me. Is there any way for me have more interest in the gathering for the handicapped? I know there are nice verses in Bible. But it is hard me to get interested by faith.
 
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Hmm. It sounds like it’s more the type of event that you don’t find interesting? Listening to the concerns of people, or helping with the trouble-shooting portion? Or is it just that any event that seems oriented towards ‘symbolically showing support’ leaves you feeling impatient for something more pragmatic to do?

You mentioned that it was a single individual who invited you, and you attended three times. So it seems clear that you want to help, but find these particular gatherings uninspiring (you mentioned feeling bored).

I’ll be honest, I don’t much see the point of hosting repeated echo-chambers where all the same people attend and nothing changes (unless it’s also a social, and therefore inherently fruitful as a fellowship event in its own right), if nothing concrete ‘happens’ there and it’s not getting turned into actions. Is there anything concrete that someone raised as a need (e.g. the importance of having more hand sign interpreters at church) that you feel qualified to help with (e.g. perhaps fundraising for)? Is there perhaps a way you can support this community beyond sitting and listening (which may not be your thing)?
 
Thanks for the comment. The motivation behind the gathering was the perceived indifference among the people nowadays about the disabled. According to the leader, the disabled people were feeling insecure so they should gather to pray and also the healthy should join to help them feel more safe in the society. So, it is more like harnessing friendship among the healthy and disabled and praying together, so the disabled can find more comfort in the society. I agree with this goal and so started to join. But the conversations there were too remote from what I experience daily. I have trouble being interested.
 
Yeah, I can’t jump in too much on that.

My only near-contact with such an experience was an unfortunate one. At a national conference of Catholics (convened for a different reason), there was a disability advocate there – and he seemed an unfortunate representative for the cause, with possibly some mental issues for his part. (I don’t think he had physical issues; his cause may have been entirely mental disability, I don’t remember now.) I went up to him because I wanted to offer a gesture of support, but I remember he was a bit too ‘grasping’ with people (and also overwhelmingly negative with people, which is unfortunate in someone whose role is to inspire support).

Anyway, different circumstances maybe.

As for your circumstances, you said the goal they’re reaching for is to develop friendships and pray together, right? And that’s the goal you agree with, but because the conversations were too “remote” from your own experience, you’re backing away?

Maybe – and maybe they won’t like this. But maybe, before backing away, try to find a super diplomatic way to tell your friend that, and try one more time. Try to say, gently and respectfully, that you want to help bridge the gap, and you’re trying to hear what’s being said on the other side, and at the same time you’re having trouble connecting with it because _____. And maybe see if together, you can all brainstorm how to bridge that… bridge, to the middle? So your experiences aren’t so remote?

Guess I’m rambling. Just… If you really think you have nothing to offer, then backing away gracefully might be right. But if you do think you have something to offer as part of the conversation… maybe make one more attempt to converse! Or at least check with the man who first invited you, to see how he thinks that would go over. Let him know what your needs are for continued participation, if ‘just’ listening to stories you can’t relate to is alienating you. That may be useful information to have as they try to figure out how to facilitate friendship among the healthy and disabled. Again, if that’s the goal they’ve decided they’re working towards, and the one you say you agree is the one to focus on.
 
You are right. I think one goal for the gathering is helping the disabled feeling connected to the society. I already made some commitment. I think I underestimated the commitment I would need to continue. The person who invited me would definitely dislike me for backing away. I thought I should silently be absent from the next time, but be nice to him in Church to show him my friendship for him. But it will probably not work. I will think about a diplomatic way. Thanks for your good discernment.
 
I would say this : to me, the goals you describe and what happens in these meetings do not match. If the goal is to foster friendship, then the meetings should help that – going out together for a coffee, watching a movie, having an excursion…

But it seems you are, in fact, placed in the position of a listener who offers disabled people a place to vent their frustrations. And while this is good and necessary, being a listener – in a “spiritual care” way – is very much an acquired skill which requires training. I feel you are being placed in a position without having been equipped for it first, and a position which was not really the one you signed up for.

ETA : sorry, @MNathaniel, I meant to reply to the thread…
 
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Not all types of volunteering are for everyone. We all have different skills. Those who are recruiting volunteers for a program should understand if someone decides maybe the particular form of volunteering doesn’t work well for them. I personally would find it boring to be placed in a position of just listening to people, disabled or not, complain for an hour without my being in a position to help them or do anything about their problem.

Perhaps when you are diplomatically telling the person you wish to drop out of this particular activity, you can suggest some other form of interaction with the disabled like movie night or a trip out for coffee, if you think you would be more inclined to participate in those.
 
Thanks for the comment. So far in the three gatherings, we ate and prayed and sang together. Some now know me by face. But I think I am not good at listening to their conversation. It is hard for me to relate to it. There are wheel chaired people and hearing impaired people so it is hard for us to go out together and do something. But your comment suggests I don’t have a necessary skill for the gathering. I now also think agenda should include more uplifting topics. The last gathering was about talking out the Church matters. So the conversation became negative. I will consider about telling the leader to include more positive topics. So I may be able to relate more and participate in the conversation the next time. Thanks.
 
Katsuobushi said:
But your comment suggests I don’t have a necessary skill for the gathering.
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Just to be clear, I don’t suggest that 😜
You probably have it, like most people, but there are ways to learn to use it so it doesn’t drain you or drag you down too much, which you seem to be experiencing.
 
You could try to ask them about other things in their life; people with disabilities usually have other things going on. Maybe you have a hobby in common with some of them, or a shared experience to bond over.
 
I agree with the previous poster. It seems more productive to change the conversation in a more constructive, fellowship manner. My significant other and I both have physical disabilities from birth. For a year or so she worked as an outreach coordinator for a small non-profit focusing on advocacy for people with developmental disabilities. She became very frustrated with many meetings that she had to go to for the same reasons. Many were less about positive change and personal empowerment and more about repetitive complaining about the same issues and attending useless “feel good” sessions with local politicians and community leaders. I personally think it’s more productive to foster a positive conversation about commonalities and interests than to have to sit through a repetitive cycle of venting.
 
Not everything is for everybody. I think it would be ok to wish the people well but then maybe you should find something else to do.
 
Thanks for the comment. I think the gathering’s agenda may not be that good. I think we better probably watch a fun movie or play something together and talk about it later. Once we played Bingo together last year and it was pretty fun. But in other two sessions, we talked about disabilities, social issues, and faith. I think such abstract discussions may end in venting and just talks without solutions. Your and other people’s comments here are persuading me to quit. I think I will send the leader a note telling him a discussion may not be bringing an aimed result. Then, I will tell him I will attend again when I have enough time. (This often means giving a very low priority to something in my country.)
 
Thanks for suggestion. I think I am dropping out. I will tell the leader discussion in the gathering doesn’t seem to foster friendships so they should watch a fun movie or travel together and after that they should share their fresh opinions.
 
Thanks for suggestion. I myself have rare hobbies. Like playing certain games and reading certain comics. But I think I will suggest to the leader we should share about hobbies more. I think the church topics and experiences are pretty hard for everyone to enjoy.
 
I think the way you describe the meeting sounds a bit patronizing. People affected by disability are first and foremost people like you, me or anybody else. Some are nice some are nasty, some are boring some are very interesting to talk with, some you will click with some are very annoying, some are extremely self centered some are generous. I would suggest instead of clumping people with disability all together as a group to assist, develop instead a true friendship with few people affected by disability. I promise you, at first you will think a lot about the disability but after a while the disability will ‘disappear’ and you will see just the person and the friend.
 
Hi- a person with a physical disability here.

We understand if people can’t understand our disabilities, or if the events that we’re in seem long for the able-bodied. For us, it can go on for hours because well…we’re quite diverse individuals with diverse disabilities and it will take a long time for us to communicate. Also our struggles cannot be understood easily by others because they’re so different.

We’re more than happy to have able-bodied people in our conversations but if not that is also okay. You are not required to come and listen to our sufferings. We get that there are a lot of good able-bodied people like you who are willing to listen. And you can always do other works of charity. Helping people like myself (I’m mobile but I have physical challenges) can be taxing and I get this.

Pax!
 
Thanks for the comment. I have a hearing impaired colleague in the office. He is nice to me. So I am nice to him also. But I don’t think I can be any more friend than this, partly because he cannot talk well. I am not a skilled listener so when I would talk, I would type in on a chat app. But texting can only go so far. The person who invited me to the gathering is also like this. I and him cannot talk smoothly. Other handicapped persons currently are not in my daily life, because I guess my job life requires colleagues to be fully functionally and in my church, they already have friends or staff and I have no chance to talk to them. But I have a mentally disabled female friend from college years and we would talk anything even now. But this is the only continuing case.
 
My female friend from the college years is mentally handicapped and going out and into hospitals many times. She enjoys my emails. I enjoy her, too. I am on depression med so we can talk about medication and doctors and that stuff. But when it comes to wheel chaired persons or hearing impaired persons or sight disabled persons, I have hard time listening to and maintaining conversation. I am not good at socializing with people. But I find it even harder to interact with them. I hope they were happy with my presence in the gatherings. In the last three sessions, I could not tell if they were happy to see everyone there. But I think I am dropping out. I think the gathering’s discussion program is too difficult for people who are not involved in the welfare events.
 
I’m also neurodivergent and I self-identify to be on the autistic spectrum. I get the mental illness aspect as well- but I don’t usually use the word ‘handicapped’ as much.

Yeah it can be hard to understand the struggles of a physically-disabled person! Before I became disabled, I wasn’t able to understand the struggle of being physically ill. After I got diagnosed, I understood how hard it is to have a physical disability.

You don’t have to participate if you don’t want to. Able-bodied people are give the choice to choose 🙂
 
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