Tattle-telling: How to Deal with it?

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First off, I’m not a parent. I work in the part time at a after school program for a elementary and middle school.

I really enjoy working with the kids. I think I have the discipline thing down, as when one of them obviously steps out of line, I put them in five minute timeout, no questions asked.

However, one of the most confusing and frustrating moments of the day comes when a child tattle tells on another peer (and I did not see said action going on b/c of talking to another child or parent). We have about 40-60 kids with two other supervisors beside me, and we have a tough time keeping eyes on all the children when our attention is diverted during busier times when children are being picked up or games are being played.

When this happens, I am caught in a dilemma. I feel like I need to be justified in punishing both since as a little kid, I was taught that tattle telling was bad. I understand the idea that once you approve of children tattling, they all start tattling for the minutest of offenses. Granted, I don’t want this to happen.

Most of the tattling subjects is usually about words exchanges (name calling).

Anyways, my question is to those who have dealt with this before: well, how do you deal with this situation of tattling?
 
you’re right about one thing. Tattling breeds more tattling.

In a large group of kids it also can signify bigger problems. The kids can never get adequate attention to feel affirmed.

If you have problem tattlers set up a place where you can speak to them (or even walk and talk). Try to encourge them to talk to you about what’s going on with them, in their life. Tattling, again, is often a symptom of lack of attention and affirmation. It is also a sign of a frustrated child. A first you may have a surge of “tattlers” but eventually the novelty will wear out.

As a second note. If it’s petty, ignore the tattler’s demans. If they are telling you about a certain bully or group of bullies than you need to address that swiftly and firmly. Same with multiple offender bullies.

If the tattling is all about name calling you may want to address that issue with the class as a whole.

You can always impliment a 5 minute time out for both tattler and offender. (or some kind of split, 2 minutes for the taddler, 5 for the offender) This would discourage excessive tattling but still let the worst offenders fear.
 
My kids know that if I suspect they are tattling (and not reporting something truly dangerous or asking advice on how to deal with something), then they’ll have to share the punishment with the kid they are ratting out. So if the punishment is time out, they both go to time out. This has helped a lot.

For things like name-calling, I coach kids to work it out for themselves. For example:

“Johnny called me a pigeon toe!”

“Oh. Well. ARE you a pigeon toe?”

“No.”

“Then Johnny doesn’t know what he’s talking about, does he?”

“But…”

“Look, maybe he’s being silly, or maybe he’s trying to make you feel bad. The best thing you can do is laugh when he says that. If he’s being silly, then laughing together makes it fun for both of you. If he’s trying to make you feel bad, then when you laugh, he’ll see that it didn’t work, because you know you’re not a pigeon toe. So you go try that.”

If the child persists in tattling for name calling, then I would ask, “Are you trying to get Johnny in trouble? Because if you are, that’s tattling, and that’s wrong, too. So I’ll have to put both of you in time-out, not just Johnny.”

Meanwhile, I think it’s important to be teaching children to speak respectfully to one another.

One other note, just in case you have a child who is tattling constantly – it might be a good idea to see what’s going on with the child’s family life. In my daughter’s class (2nd grade), there is a girl whose parents are going through a brutal divorce. The parents are quite rude to each other, and there is constant bickering over the girl and what’s best for her. She tattles right and left – constantly complaining about one kid or another. But really what’s going on is that she feels that NOTHING is fair or right, and she’s in desperate need for an adult who can reassure her that there will be goodness and justice. Unfortunately, there isn’t anybody who can do that for her, especially as long as her parents are behaving like pouting children.
 
I worked at an after school program for 5 years, so I’ve heard LOTS of tattling! 😃

My basic rules for tattling were: Is someone really hurt? Did they break something big? Did they do something to you? If the answer to all of those questions is no, then I don’t want to hear about it.

If they did something to you, then my next question was did you talk to them about it? If the answer was no, then I sent them back. If it was yes and they stopped, then I just told them, great, you solved the problem. If they didn’t stop, then I would step in.

For the most part that worked well for me. It will take them time to get used to it, but it did slow the tattling down to a slow trickle instead of a constant stream. And you will always have that one kid who insists on tattling, but at least you have clear boundaries now for when it is appropriate to tell and when it isn’t.
 
What in the world are you suggesting? You’re teaching children that they can’t look to you for support. What about the girl who just committed suicide because of being bullied? Should she have told that people were saying mean things to her or would that have been tattling that would have been punished. Tattling shouldn’t be punished unless it’s the same kid coming up every other minute to tell on someone.
 
I used to tell my own students, “If you’re telling me what the other kid did because it bothers you, that’s good. If you’re telling me because you want them to get in trouble, that’s tattling and it’s wrong. It’s my job to decide who gets in trouble, not yours.”

Then, when kids would come to me with minor complaints about the other kids, I would never punish them (for fear of teaching them NOT to come to me when it mattered), but I wouldn’t punish the other child either. I would talk through it with the tattler: “Did that hurt you? What could you do about it?” etc. And then I would send the child back to play. If I chose to punish the tattled-upon child, I never let the tattler know I had done it. That discouraged tattling pretty well – they only do it to get each other in trouble, and if it doesn’t work, they lose interest.
 
angelerulastiel said:
What in the world are you suggesting? You’re teaching children that they can’t look to you for support. What about the girl who just committed suicide because of being bullied? Should she have told that people were saying mean things to her or would that have been tattling that would have been punished. Tattling shouldn’t be punished unless it’s the same kid coming up every other minute to tell on someone.
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  1. the girl who was being bullied was facing far more than name calling she was being sexually asulted by several teens, she was being tormented and SEVERAL teachers did nothing.
  2. the girl was a teenager not a toddler
  3. with small children often the tattler and “instagator” run hand in hand. Don’t ask me how they do it, I just know. So often tattlers are also button pushers that cause kids with low temper thresholds to lash out. That’s why I suggest you spend time and find the root of the problem rather than simply punish the one being tattled about.
  4. Time out also gives the tattler a chance to get away from the environment that they are complaining about. Until about age 9 or 10 this is a successful strategy because kids (boys especially) are more likely to forgive and forget by the time 5 minutes is up.
I see tattling over petty things as a passive-aggressive fight that puts an adult in the middle.

Again we’re talking about petty tattling and not “jason touched mary” or “ken hit billy” or any uses of curse words.
 
One of my son’s elementary teachers was being overwhelmed with tattlers throughout the day so she came up with a really great plan that worked in stopping the endless line of tattlers in her class.

She made the rule that if a child was going to tattle on another child the “tattler” had to say 2 nice things about the child he was tattling on to her before he could tattle. If they didn’t say the nice things, then she would tell them to go back and think of something before they could tattle. She said it worked great and the kids really began to think about running to her if they had to say something nice first, because that is not the first reaction a child has when they want to tattle. Having to take the time to notice something nice about someone really helped the class move beyond tattling and into becoming peers that worked together.
 
I am not a parent either but as an adult who still carries the scars of having been bullied as a kid I strongly believe that there should be protection and kids should be allowed to tell the teacher when someone is hurting them.

As an adult who has babysat more than my fair share of other people’s kids, I can understand not wanting to hear about it.

If for example someone says ‘Joey took my doll and coloured onit with a crayon’, I would put Joey in a time out and explain to the tattler ‘Next time you bring your doll to school it is at your own risks’

If there is a rule ‘No running in the hall way’ and someone says ‘Susie was running in the hall way’ unless something got broken or someone hurt I would say don’t tattle.

If someone is called a name, I would use my judgement.

Perhaps having little classes on how to overcome name calling and teaching the kids ‘When someone calls you a name it is because they don’t love themselves’ it would help. Also perhaps sitting the kids down and explaining what is appropriate tattling and what isn’t would help

CM
 
I hear you. I’m working on getting my teaching license, K-3rd grade.

When I figure out how to deal with it, I’ll let you know.
 
When my kids do it I say, " Okay, thanks for telling me." I only involve myself further than that if necessary.

If it could have been a mistake or if it’s a minor offense I just let it go. If someone is developing a serious behavior problem or is cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush, then I deal with it. I want to know what the kids are doing, but I don’t think I need to solve most of their disagreements.

I ask myself is this important or is she just getting annoyed with this other child? Mostly they get a “see if you can fix this” response, and as a result there is less tattling because they solve their own problems.
 
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