Teaching Moment or Long-Term Benefit?

[CuriousInIL]

The other day, I overheard my college age daughter talking to her boyfriend on the telephone. She was being quite rude, although I don’t think she realized it (or at least did not realize how rude she was being).

My dilemma is this: normally I would have taken the time to make it a teaching moment and let her know that she should be nicer. However, I feel that this boyfriend is not a good long term partner for her at all. So, her being rude will likely drive him away, in my opinion, a long term good.

Do I correct her and accept the consequences, i.e., this boy will remain her boyfriend? Or, do I let her be rude and drive off this boy so she can move forward?

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Rather than “correct” her, you might want to try empathetic questions.

For example, say, “I couldn’t help but notice you seemed quite angry with him. Is there anything you’d like to talk about with me?” Her reaction to that will lead you to the next step.

Your opinion can be a double-edged sword. If she thinks you disapprove of your boyfriend, that simulataneously warns her about him and challenges her do make her own decisions apart from mom. This will spark an internal struggle she may or may not even perceive, much less be able to discuss. If she sees you as condescending and think you’re smarter than her (kids don’t think our experience matters because things were obviously different When We Were Young) that will work to push her from you to the boyfriend.

Is she open to doing things together with you and/or talking about things with you? Maybe you can gain enough confidence that she will want to hear your opinion. One of the sneakiest ways to establish credibility with your opinions is to not voice them until after you’ve listened to her views on things. Strange, but people seem to perceive Good Listeners as being wise, and People With Sound Ideas but Don’t Understand Me as loudmouths and control freaks. The more she thinks you hear and empathize with her, the more she will drop her defenses and let you in. By empathize, I do NOT mean to agree with her, but just to illustrate understanding by being able to echo her thoughts back to her.

You never know; I have four teenage children right now, and they teach me something new almost every day. It’s amazing how insightful they can be when encouraged to keep their eyes open and stay honest to themselves.

Have you ever listened to some of her music with her? Many times the music will lead to clues about their state of mind involving authority, etc.

Alan

 

[Island_Oak]

No offense…but…I can think of few things more annoying to college age young adults than 1) being back at home and having parents evesdrop on their telephone conversations and 2) then offer comments/criticism on the tone of phone conversations to which they were not a party. If her offensive tone is employed with you or other family members directly–you are certainly free to voice your objections. Otherwise, I’d strongly suggest you keep helpful hints to a minimum.

 

[CuriousInIL]

Island Oak

2 points

First, everyone in the house heard the conversation and she must have know that because she was in the family room and was very loud.

Second, I am more than happy to keep my comments ot myself because I am sure that doing so will lead to this boy going away.

The question is should I allow my distaste for the boy color my judgment about whether to comment.

 

[Island_Oak]

CuriousInIL:

The question is should I allow my distaste for the boy color my judgment about whether to comment.

In that case…are you in the habit of giving your kids a free pass to be obviously rude or obnoxious to others just because they (or you) don’t like them? I would guess that you are not since your daughter’s conduct caught your attention and prompted this concern.

Allowing someone to be driven away by your daughter’s seeming rudeness is probably not the best strategy. I liked the earlier poster’s comments about asking questions and listening before dispensing advice. If this boy was momentarily annoying to her–perhaps her tone was warranted. However, if he is perpetually annoying and/or not bringing out the best in her–a logical question would be why she is dedicating time and energy to someone who is generating such negativity in her life? A clean break and move to other options might be in HER best interest (not to mention yours) and puts an end to her sinking to his level of interaction and distasteful bickering.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

It seems like girls are sometimes more interested in what a rude male says to them than a polite one, maybe because they feel like they know they’ve “earned” it as opposed to being told whatever the “nice” thing to say is.

Maybe it’s just my imagination.