Teen-aged Children and Sex

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I just learned that my 17-year-old son just started being fully intimate with his girlfriend who is also 17. They have been “dating” for 3 months and friends since freshman year. They are about to start their senior year. I had just found out myself from reviewing online activity when her stepmom contacted me to say she had confirmed the same from a review of text messages and from confronting her along with her father.

My son is away now with his mom and this is part of the dynamic. Both kids are from divorced families and don’t see the value in saving sex for marriage. He knows where I stand, but his mom generally is not strong on these topics and kind of has a “boys will be boys” attitude. I haven’t connected with her yet either as they are on a cruise.

The stepmom says that, while she does not like that the daughter was not truthful about things, she’s going to start her on the pill. They are apparently using a condom and this is the first “experience” for both of them.

I am going to have another sitdown with my son when he gets back and I’m sure I won’t have a problem listing 10 to 20 reasons why they have made a poor choice. The problem is he disregards most things I tell him these days about the faith and only goes to Mass begrudgingly out of respect. After 10 years in catholic grade school, public high school was a major setback for me as a dad.

Any thoughts or advice out there?

P.S. we have previously watched Jason Evert’s Romance Without Regret and I plan to have him see it again and share it with the girlfriend’s parents.
 
In addition to whatever else you plan to do I’d recommend also talk to him about what they plan to do if they get pregnant. Whatever method they use has a failure rate so it’s important that they have a realistic idea of what the possibility means to their particular situation. And in fairness this is a concern that anyone even married couples (nfp or not) must also ponder.

Also keep in mind that with his 18th birthday less than a year away there is a possibility that they may have various plans for themselves after high school.
 
Having raised 5 kids myself, I just first want to say that I empathize. When my oldest girl was 16 I was in the 30 year period where I had fallen away from the church and I did the same thing your son’s girlfriend’s Mom did–I put her on the pill.I never even asked her if she was considering becoming or had been sexually active–I just put her on the pill and told her that I wanted her not to be what I called “the town pump” but that even if she followed my advice and remained chaste and a virgin, that the pill would clear up her acne–which is true. I;m a women’s health nurse practitioner so I just wrote her a Rx and that was that! .I wanted no unplanned teenage pregnancies. I wouldn’t necessarilly make the same decision now, but it was where I was at at that time. So I also empathize with the mother of the girl a little too.

The problem is that once they have crossed that line, it’s nearly impossible to get them to seriously commit to never crossing it again. Moreover, if you ban the relationship, they will just find a way around the ban. Your son is 17–nearly 18 and legal age. I’m not being negative, just honest. One thing that my 3 grown sons recently told me that they said sifted through into their little pea-brains at that stage was that I told each of them when they began dating a girl seriously or frequently or however you would put it, to think carefully if the girl they were with was really “the one”. Was she the girl that if she came up pregnant they would be willing to marry and spend the rest of their lives with? I warned them that girls aren’t always honest about being on the pill and that if they got a girl pregnant that they would be giving up all the extra curricular stuff they enjoyed and getting a job to support their family as I had already raised 5 kids and had absolutely no intention of raising a 6th! You are in my prayers. It’s hard now days as there’s no shame in school if a girl gets pregnant and birth control is available everywhere. I wish you good luck.
 
Rice14 said:
I just learned that my 17-year-old son just started being fully intimate with his girlfriend who is also 17. They have been “dating” for 3 months and friends since freshman year. They are about to start their senior year. I had just found out myself from reviewing online activity when her stepmom contacted me to say she had confirmed the same from a review of text messages and from confronting her along with her father.

My son is away now with his mom and this is part of the dynamic. Both kids are from divorced families and don’t see the value in saving sex for marriage. He knows where I stand, but his mom generally is not strong on these topics and kind of has a “boys will be boys” attitude. I haven’t connected with her yet either as they are on a cruise.

The stepmom says that, while she does not like that the daughter was not truthful about things, she’s going to start her on the pill. They are apparently using a condom and this is the first “experience” for both of them.

I am going to have another sitdown with my son when he gets back and I’m sure I won’t have a problem listing 10 to 20 reasons why they have made a poor choice. The problem is he disregards most things I tell him these days about the faith and only goes to Mass begrudgingly out of respect. After 10 years in catholic grade school, public high school was a major setback for me as a dad.

Any thoughts or advice out there?

P.S. we have previously watched Jason Evert’s Romance Without Regret and I plan to have him see it again and share it with the girlfriend’s parents.
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Just went through this with my daughter. It is very disheartening but inevitable for most kids unfortunately. At this point I don’t believe there is anything you can say or do to change the mind. Just pray, pray and pray. I did take the mindset I’m not pleased but at least it is with one person and they are committed to each other. I know it isn’t right but can’t help thinking that when I hear about all the craziness, orgies, etc that is going on with the kids now. :eek:
 
Rice14 said:
I had just found out myself from reviewing online activity when her stepmom contacted me to say she had confirmed the same from a review of text messages and from confronting her along with her father.
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Is this a normal thing for parents? Mine never spied on me as far as I’m aware.

I agree with what Starrsmother says, it’s harder now that they’ve started having sex to convince them to stop.
 
I think it’s more common for parents to “spy on” their kids now because there’s so much more trouble out there for kids to get into. I spied on a couple of mine a few times when I thought that they weren’t being honest with me. I never felt guilty–as I always told my 5—“Don’t give me a reason to distrust you and I won’t. Give me a reason and I will strip and body cavity search you if that’s what it takes for me to be sure I know what’s going on.” One of mine I did random urine drug tests on for over a year! And guess what? I caught her twice testing positive for weed! Thus, I highly recommend not just sticking your head in the sand—that’s what kids today are counting on!
 
Time for some open and frank discussions with your son. As a father, it is your job to know give a crash course in what it means to be a man. Ask him if he is just having sex for fun and pleasure or does he intend to marry her? If he sees this a long term thing, sit down and plan his future, college, career, income needed to buy a house, etc, etc. Find out when he expects to be able to marry this young lady. Does she agree to marriage or is it just fun and games for her as well?

If he does not see this as long term tell him to man up and let the girl know that he’s just using her until he finds her boring and ready for a new one. If he “loves” her, he should respect her enough to be honest with how he is using her.

As for birth control, let him know how often ABC fails, and he better be ready to support a child if he is having sex. Sex begets children, there is no sure method (except sterility) to prevent children. Does he trust her enough to remember to take the pill? If this girl loves him and wants to be with him forever, she may see nothing wrong with starting a family before he is ready.

I’m sorry you are going through this, but you have to be VERY honest with him about the consequences of his actions. Remind him that he is in mortal sin, and he cannot receive communion when he goes to mass (unless he has a valid confession.) This is a part of parenting that many face. You are not the first or the last. Seek out good friends who may be able to guide you in this. Don’t be ashamed to ask another for help, more than likely you have friends that have been through this, too.
 
Starrsmother said:
One of mine I did random urine drug tests on for over a year! And guess what? I caught her twice testing positive for weed!
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Out of how many tests? and when during the year? Might the testing have been a “self-fulfilling prophecy”?

If you still have any kind of relationship with that child, you should count yourself very lucky indeed.
 
BillP said:
Out of how many tests? and when during the year? Might the testing have been a “self-fulfilling prophecy”?

If you still have any kind of relationship with that child, you should count yourself very lucky indeed.
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I mean you no disrespect but as a parent it was my job to know what my kids were up to. Today’s society tends to try to abdicate that parental responsibility. My daughter and I have a perfectly fine relationship now (she’s 26—and now understands exactly why I didn’t just buy whatever she told me because she would lie!)–though of course as a teen she detested my interference. What happened with her is that she got busted by the cops and drug tested positive. She had court problems then. I simply made sure that I knew she was clean and sober after that and she knew that if she tested positive for me, that she’d lose her cell phone, laptop and be grounded. People like you who are afraid to actually raise their offspring and set rules for them–and then back those rules up with action–are about 95% of what is wrong with kids today! I trusted my kids right up until they proved to me that they weren’t worthy of my trust. All my kids knew that when I said something, I meant business. No apology offered!
 
Remember you are the Father, not the best friend, but rather the example of a man to your son. If my son has become fully intimate with his girlfriend, i would talk to both of them. Not in anger but rather the aching heart of someone who has gone through a divorce and knows the pains. I would point your son to Jason Ever (watch him on youtube, his books are GREAT) and Matt Fradd. Chastity.com is a huge help, and take your son to theology of the body classes, and go with him. Talk to him. Understand him. And show him. With great love guide him away from these acts that destroy his future. A good thing to do now is open dialouge with his mom and also show her the problem. I will Pray for them and you. God Bless
 
Does your son have pro-life convictions? If so, I would point out that ABC can cause chemical abortions. And just altogether, that sex involves a huge level of responsibility he probably doesn’t want to deal with at the age of 17.

Also, as MomaMary8 pointed out, he cannot receive Communion at Mass unless he’s made a valid confession which has to include the intention of changing his behavior. So he can’t confess this while intending to go back tomorrow to sleep with his girlfriend. And he can’t be intimate with his girlfriend justifying in his mind, “I’ll just go to confession.”

But sounds like you are trying to be a strong, supportive father. He’s very blessed to have you looking out for him!
 
Seems moot to post as the original posting is now three months old but maybe this will help others.

One young man was 20 when his girlfriend got pregnant. He immediately knew he did not want to marry this girl because she was mentally unstable. Her parents wanted to adopt the baby knowing that she couldn’t mother. He said no. He’s now in his 30s and figures he will not be in another relationship until he’s 38 when his daughter is in college. He did not take jobs that required him to move because he wanted his weekend visitations every other weekend. His finances are not what they should be because of this. He doesn’t date because he can’t afford to get involved with the expense of courting another woman. He doesn’t have the money to start another family. But he is a very good Dad and has a great relationship with his child.

Another got a girl pregnant while both were in college. He wanted to marry her but she opted for an abortion. She never told him until it was done. He and his parents ended up in therapy. He lost his child from a woman he loved and they lost a grandchild.

There are some heavy duty ramifications from this activity. The son in question probably will continue to be sexually active but he, like most men, need to think about the kind of women they’re having sex with.
 
Starrsmother said:
I think it’s more common for parents to “spy on” their kids now because there’s so much more trouble out there for kids to get into. I spied on a couple of mine a few times when I thought that they weren’t being honest with me. I never felt guilty–as I always told my 5—“Don’t give me a reason to distrust you and I won’t. Give me a reason and I will strip and body cavity search you if that’s what it takes for me to be sure I know what’s going on.” One of mine I did random urine drug tests on for over a year! And guess what? I caught her twice testing positive for weed! Thus, I highly recommend not just sticking your head in the sand—that’s what kids today are counting on!
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No. there was just as much trouble for kids to get into 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago or 40 years ago.

Parents are more apt to spy because it’s easier. All the kids have electronic leashes in the form of cell phones, the vast majority use social media and texts instead of just the voice calls we used as kids. We didn’t leave tracks or traces. Today’s kids leave tons, and the opportunity to get the device (or tap the device/record it) be it a computer or cell phone provides much more information than parents had available in the past. When I grew up, if my Mom wanted to know what I was up to and where I was, she’d have had to hire a detective. Today, you can just load an app which will record/download all the GPS data from their phone, or you can log into their facebook, or tumblr, or twitter, or (fill in the blank). Want to know where they went in the car? Cheap devices are availble that will provide all the tracking information (including speeds the car attained) either real-time or as a download.
 
Rice14 said:
I just learned that my 17-year-old son just started being fully intimate with his girlfriend who is also 17. They have been “dating” for 3 months and friends since freshman year. They are about to start their senior year. I had just found out myself from reviewing online activity when her stepmom contacted me to say she had confirmed the same from a review of text messages and from confronting her along with her father.

My son is away now with his mom and this is part of the dynamic. Both kids are from divorced families and don’t see the value in saving sex for marriage. He knows where I stand, but his mom generally is not strong on these topics and kind of has a “boys will be boys” attitude. I haven’t connected with her yet either as they are on a cruise.

The stepmom says that, while she does not like that the daughter was not truthful about things, she’s going to start her on the pill. They are apparently using a condom and this is the first “experience” for both of them.

I am going to have another sitdown with my son when he gets back and I’m sure I won’t have a problem listing 10 to 20 reasons why they have made a poor choice. The problem is he disregards most things I tell him these days about the faith and only goes to Mass begrudgingly out of respect. After 10 years in catholic grade school, public high school was a major setback for me as a dad.

Any thoughts or advice out there?

P.S. we have previously watched Jason Evert’s Romance Without Regret and I plan to have him see it again and share it with the girlfriend’s parents.
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Sorry for what you’re going through.

I’d start by asking him what they plan to name the child. As someone else mentioned- no method is foolproof, it’s not a matter of if it’s a matter of when.

Have him figure out everything he’ll need to support a child for a month. Than take him to the store and have him price it all out. (Clothes, food, child care (he and his GF will probably both have to work) diapers, toiletries, medical care, car seat, basinettes, strollers, blankets, and a place of his own. With all the costs of having his own place- rent/utilities/his food etc. etc.) Obviously if he thinks he’s old enough to be creating a child, he’s old enough to go get himself a place to raise it. You’ve raised yours, his aren’t your job or your responsibility.

Take him to an ER or urgent care and sit around awhile watching the parents with the sick kids. Point out, that’s going to be him. Does he really want to be worrying about a sick child that he loves, at his age? Point out that if he’s basically a good kid, he is going to love his child, he is going to want the best for that child, to provide that child a good life. He is setting himself up for a life of frustration and feelings of failure. Very hard to go to college, or trade school, or be an apprentice, or build a career and be a father. Theres’ a reason to do things in order.

Point out to him that regardless of what he and his girlfriend have discussed about what they’ll do if she’s pregnant. It will be completely her choice and he will have no say in the matter- abortion/adoption/her raising it as a single mom. He will be on the hook for child support if she decides to raise the child and he better figure out how he’ll be earning the money for the stuff he priced out since it won’t be coming from you.

And she’ll control the visitation more than likely. Because these two are very unlikely to be together for a long time. Again, if he’s a good person he’ll want a relationship with his child, and that is far more difficult for two folks living separately than married where he has little control.

With my girls, I referred to their boyfriends by a dash number. I.e. dash1 was the first BF, dash 2 the second. They asked my why? Two reasons- I figure they’re not going to be around long enough to be worth remembering their names. High school/beginning of college-- the odds of any relationship lasting are incredibly small. That’s the time when folks are supposed to date around a lot to start to understand what they like, don’t like, and can’t tolerate in others. Another reason to avoid sex, it starts a level of bonding with a person long before you really know them well enough. It makes it harder to break up when you realize they’re not for you. Pain is a lot greater if they dump you. You’re supposed to stay relatively uncommitted at that age so you can figure yourself and others out. I expected my girls to date and break up with a few guys- that’s normal. Second reason- if I call them by a name I’ll think of them as human and it will make it harder to do what might need to be done.

Go over his goals for life, that’s a lot of the problem. If he has no path that’s incompatible with the risk of having a kid this young, he’s very unlikely to stop. You need to get him to realize that the risk is not worth the reward. He needs to realize that God’s rules are not to spoil our good time. God knows our nature. All these negative consequences are the reasons God told us not to have sex outside of marriage. The rules are to keep us from hurting ourselves, to help us avoid suffering. He needs to do things in their proper order, that is in his own self-interest.
 
It has been my experience in working with teens that almost none marry the girl from high school. And, most don’t marry their freshman year in college girlfriend. Your son has already made up his mind, but you might ask him, given the statistics, that he will have many relationships between 17 and let’s just say, 32 (when he meets ‘the one’), where will he draw the line in how many sexual partners he plans on having. In many ways, it is an even more important discussion with the girl who can get pregnant. Herpes, chlamydia, vaginal/penile warts, HIV, are all alive and well out there in the dating pool.
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