Teen rebellion

[scienceteacher]

We’ve always tried very hard to teach our children love and respect, but lately our 16 yr old girl and 18 yr. old boy are rejecting us in a big way. I know that it is “normal” at this age, but that doesn’t make it acceptable. The hurt is enormous, especially since we lost a son to cancer six years ago. To complicate matters, I teach at their high school. I changed careers to teach so that I could spend more time with my children (there were six), but they think we are too strick. The fact that I have led a campaign to stop the new type of dancing known as freak dancing (or bumping and grinding) has been met with comments like, “the other parents don’t care”. It seems the “other parents” are our problem with our children. They give all of their children cell phones with little limit and large expense, allow them to go wherever and whenever with whomever, and throw huge birthday parties that cost thousands of dollars (like a wedding reception). We can’t and won’t try to match this. We have been loving and caring in every way, trying to be tolerant without being permissive, and the results have not been good. I guess God feels the same way with us: He gives us so much love, and we many times return it with more demands and rebellion. I know why He had us in family units. It is so we can better understand His love, as well as His pain. I know there are people going through the same thing. Any help for us?

 

[Lillith]

This is a toughy…I’ll watch this thread to see the responses.

My 15yr. old recently made friends with a 17yr. old girl. She hasn’t got the same freedom that a 17yr. old has, and so it has been a problem.

I continually tell her to slow down, her time will come…why rush it? I also challenge her by saying Kate…I’ve never been the mother of a 15yr. old before, and it is scarey to raise kids today. If you had a fifteen yr. old what would you do in this situation (her friend tried to set her up with a 19yr. old recently…and she’s not even allowed to date!) This works because the child wants to prove her maturity and she almost always makes the right decision.

18 is a little more difficult…the only solice I can give you is that you have raised this child to the best of your ability, and try to have faith that your teaching has stuck!

Another tactic I use that is AWESOME…Kate, you realize that your future husband is walking the Earth as we speak…make good decisions for HIM…and pray that he is making good decisions for you…That way she isn’t doing right for me, but for her future.

I pray for all of my little girls future spouces…it is a really beautiful thing to do.

BTW, welcome to the Board…good luck…your not alone

 

[Elizastaci]

Don’t worry! Chances are your daughter will come around. She’s quite lucky, to have a mother who cares so much and is involved in her life and faith.

She may think that having parents who let you do whatever you want is great, but it’s not. I’ve been there. My parents are very loose, permissive, workaholics, and I’ve grown up with every privilege wealth can provide, but with no limits. And it’s scary. And very, very hard.

So speaking as an 18-year-old “poor little rich girl” with supposedly “cool” parents, it’s your kids who are the lucky ones. And I bet they’ll realize that.

So just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re in my prayers.

 

[Kay_Cee]

My older daughter is 14, and the younger one is 12. We get a little of it too. In fact, I even have a name for it: teenage-itis (and yes, it’s meant to sound like a disease!)

When my kids act up that way, I say, “I love you much too much to let you ____________ (fill in the blank).” An alternative to this is: “You’re far too good a person to ____________ .” (What’s the reply to that? “I am not that good of a person”?)

When they say, “You never let me do anything!” I reply, “That’s right. I never let you do anything.” Amazingly enough, they usually disagree, pointing out all the things I let them do (guess they just want to argue). If they don’t point them out, I do: “I never let you watch TV or use the computer or go anywhere with your friends, etc.” listing all the things I do let them do.

Fortunately for me, I have a story from my older daughter’s past to throw at her. When she was about 3, she wanted chocolate Easter bunny for breakfast. Of course I refused to let her have it. She told me years later, “I thought you were the most horrible mother in the world!” There was a pause, then she added, “And when I have kids, I’m going to do the same thing you did.”

Hang on. They will outgrow it. I think it was Mark Twain who said that when he was a teenager, his father was the stupidest man in the world. When he became a young adult, his father was the smartest man in the world. Amazing how his father got so smart in just a few short years!

 

[dhgray]

We are part of a Vatican approved Catholic Youth Ministry called CFC-Youth. I have seen CFC-Youth take young adults like your children, and some much more worst, and teach them to love and respect themselves and to have a Christ centered life. [www.cfcyouth.com](http://www.cfc-youth.com/)/about.php

 

[bengal_fan]

scienceteacher:

… I changed careers to teach so that I could spend more time with my children (there were six), but they think we are too strick…

i’m glad you teach science and not english…lol.

sorry to make light of your hard situation. i would say (as some one who works with teens on a daily basis) keep your rules. stand firm, but communicate with them as to why you have your rules the way you do. tell them that you are sorry they feel like you aren’t as cool as other parents and you want them to have fun and experience things but that you have gone before them and you love them enough to try to spare them the pain that comes from the sin their friends are exposed to. tell them you wished the other parents loved their kids enough to say no sometimes. also, try to find an area or two that you can give them some freedom in so they can feel like you do trust them. lastly, i don’t think it’s bad to let them screw up sometimes, just need to really be smart in the areas you allow them the freedom to make mistakes.

 

[La_Chiara]

bengal_fan:

i’m glad you teach science and not english…lol.

sorry to make light of your hard situation. i would say (as some one who works with teens on a daily basis) keep your rules. stand firm, but communicate with them as to why you have your rules the way you do. tell them that you are sorry they feel like you aren’t as cool as other parents and you want them to have fun and experience things but that you have gone before them and you love them enough to try to spare them the pain that comes from the sin their friends are exposed to. tell them you wished the other parents loved their kids enough to say no sometimes. also, try to find an area or two that you can give them some freedom in so they can feel like you do trust them. lastly, i don’t think it’s bad to let them screw up sometimes, just need to really be smart in the areas you allow them the freedom to make mistakes.

Well, geez, you too, bengal fan! Capitalization is a pretty critical part of the English language.

 

[bengal_fan]

La Chiara:

Well, geez, you too, bengal fan! Capitalization is a pretty critical part of the English language.

LOL.

i know, but i type like this for a reason. if i were writing a letter or something i would use proper writing skills, but wherever i can get away with only capitalizing God or Jesus, i try to do it.

 

[La_Chiara]

bengal_fan:

LOL.

i know, but i type like this for a reason. if i were writing a letter or something i would use proper writing skills, but wherever i can get away with only capitalizing God or Jesus, i try to do it.

I knew that. I was just teasing you. I know you can take it!

 

[scienceteacher]

Thank you for your help. Things did cool down as Elizastaci predicted. I also used Kay Cee’s advice on phrasing answers. I could have predicted that bengal_fan worked with teens each day. La Chiara gave all of us a lot of insight.

Someday I’ll tell you a story about our second son, Matthew. He passed away from cancer six years ago at the age of 19. His holy death makes me know that Jesus comes to each of us as we pass from this life.

Thanks again,
Bev

 

[La_Chiara]

scienceteacher:

Someday I’ll tell you a story about our second son, Matthew. He passed away from cancer six years ago at the age of 19. His holy death makes me know that Jesus comes to each of us as we pass from this life.

Thanks again,
Bev

Oh, Bev, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. How devastating to lose a child, and even more so, when you have known and loved him for 19 years. But your faith has clearly strengthened you. Blessings to you and your family.