Teenager having sex

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seawind

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We were having a “debate” at my work about supposedly finding out our teenage kids are having sex. (My oldest is only 5 so it was hypothetically for me:-) Anyways - two of the guys were saying that as much as they would hate to find out their daughters were having sex, they would probably go get them on birth control to make sure they don’t get pregnant. I completely argued back that I thought that was a horrible approach and was completely condoning the behavior. My answer was to restrict their daughters behavior outside of school and take drastic measures to educate them on the effects of their behavior - ie take them to a crisis pregnancy center, take them to hear Jason Evert talk on chastity. Please let me know what you all would do or could advise me to tell them. I am the only Catholic person in my workcenter so I avoid using the religious route to defend my positions, although I feel the power of the Holy Spirit while I am speaking:-)
 
Babies are cute and adorable. STDs, some that stay with you forever and can cause cancer, are not. (and make sure they know a condom does not prevent transmission of all disease). I would argue my point on the basis of the health risks, which are tangible, since that may very well be the most salient point you could make to someone who thinks throwing a pack of pills at the situation will make it OK.

I don’t have a teen yet either, but an unplanned pregnancy due to being sexually active is one of the lesser worries for me. There is much more danger for a sexually active teen than becoming pregnant.

Just my thoughts on the issue. I have never been in that kind of debate so I have not formed too much of a stand on it.
 
You know alot of this comes from how quick kids want to be adults.

Girls have steady boyfriends at 13. By 15 they are dating, so what is left to do by the time they are 18? You see where this goes?

You probably can’t keep teenage boys and girls seperated, I know how I was. Best thing you can do is take the hard line. I’m thinking when my niece turns turns 13 (now 11) I’m gonna put one of those GPS ankle bracelets on her, and when her phone rings she better answer it, and when I ask her where she’s at, she better not fib becasue I already know.

I already told her I’m retired, I have nothing but time, and I can stay up far later then she ever dreamed. I know every crook and cranny of this city after 26 years of roaming these streets in the fire dept.

There is no where she can go, person she can meet, or something she can do, that I won’t know about it. I’m subject to just get out and ride around town just to see whats going on.

But thats just me.
 
BamaRider said:
You know alot of this comes from how quick kids want to be adults.

Girls have steady boyfriends at 13. By 15 they are dating, so what is left to do by the time they are 18? You see where this goes?

You probably can’t keep teenage boys and girls seperated, I know how I was. Best thing you can do is take the hard line. I’m thinking when my niece turns turns 13 (now 11) I’m gonna put one of those GPS ankle bracelets on her, and when her phone rings she better answer it, and when I ask her where she’s at, she better not fib becasue I already know.

I already told her I’m retired, I have nothing but time, and I can stay up far later then she ever dreamed. I know every crook and cranny of this city after 26 years of roaming these streets in the fire dept.

There is no where she can go, person she can meet, or something she can do, that I won’t know about it. I’m subject to just get out and ride around town just to see whats going on.

But thats just me.
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As much as you like to pride yourself on having roamed the streets since the early 80’s, acting like it’s the 1950’s will inevitably lead anyone to explode, and then we will be hearing one of those sad stories of a girl having run away because of good intentioned ‘adults’ - ‘protecting’ her from ‘evil’. And then of course using the basic principles that have been exegeted from the millions of other times this has happened before in the last century, one can safely assume that a happy ending is not statistically very probable.

I had stricter parents than you when I was about 12-13, they tried to ‘restrict’ everything I did, I completely flipped when I was about 14 and things went downhill really quickly for them and for me too, it got to the point where they couldn’t control me and I won’t go into details. So as much as you like to think you have control, you will eventually lose it and all respect that they had for you earlier.

Common sense comes a-calling and goes a long way when dealing with teenagers.
 
They have actually found that statistically teenagers who’s parents are too restrictive and use extreme measures (aka spying, gps) are more likely to have sex at a younger age and tend to engage in more risky behavior. The adolecents least likely to had parents who set reasonable boundaries and had good communication.
 
seawind said:
We were having a “debate” at my work about supposedly finding out our teenage kids are having sex. (My oldest is only 5 so it was hypothetically for me:-) Anyways - two of the guys were saying that as much as they would hate to find out their daughters were having sex, they would probably go get them on birth control to make sure they don’t get pregnant. I completely argued back that I thought that was a horrible approach and was completely condoning the behavior. My answer was to restrict their daughters behavior outside of school and take drastic measures to educate them on the effects of their behavior - ie take them to a crisis pregnancy center, take them to hear Jason Evert talk on chastity. Please let me know what you all would do or could advise me to tell them. I am the only Catholic person in my workcenter so I avoid using the religious route to defend my positions, although I feel the power of the Holy Spirit while I am speaking:-)
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I have a daughter but she’s not a teen yet…Getting close 2 more years!! :eek: And I have asked myself this question all the time… I have a friend whos 16 year old daughter had a baby last year…barely finishing hs she dropped out last year after the baby came…Now she’s with one guy and another and another since her “baby’s daddy” didn’t want the baby… 😦 I love that girl to death, I love her so much and it’s hard to think of her future doing this but at least she stays close to her mother. Her mother is very devout in their religion so this hit her really hard!!! 😦 But I have advised her to hold on until she is able to get married…she’s on birthcontrol and even though she “knows” her man doesn’t sleep around and is clean, it’s a scary thought to think this child could get something just because she wanted to be with one man and another…She claims she’s trying to find the right one and I have stated sleeping around though isn’t needed…She’s settled down for several months now with this older guy, hopefully this one will work hard and wed her so she can start taking care of herself and that baby because the ones raising him are her mother, and aunts…🤷

I have another friend who’s 17, he’s a great kid, and is still a virgin!! I congratulate him and even though he’s desperately seeking to get involved with someone and gain “experience” I hear it in his voice deep down that it’s just to get attention and that he “really has experience” and I feel bad for him because he doesn’t really realize how great it will be for him to find a virgin girl and both learn together you know? I think it’s a great gift, and wonderful too!!!

This is the message I want to pass down to my daughter, there is no point at all to waste something so special just because it’s cool or everyone’s doing it, first of all, she will be gaining experience with her husband, the man of her life and the one she will be with the rest of her life, so she will have plenty of time to get it right…not only that but it’s silly to go around just because he’s cute or he’s hot or whatever…images don’t matter what matters is what’s in the person’s heart and how he will treat her…getting played is no fun, and that’s what sleeping around causes, you to get played…No religious things brought in because then she will call me “old” or something and there is no need for that, even though the religious importance is the first thing, but still want to keep it casual…
 
I used to take in foster kids, specifically teen girls. Some of them made it to my house because their moms and dads couldn’t handle a pregnancy scare. Some were really trying to get pregnant… One of my girls had a child at 13. Her mom didn’t even know she was pregnant until 6mos along! Anyway, I learned that volunteering in a daycare center or in a shelter that takes kids is good for them. When I had my ds2 one of my previous foster kids was in a group home that my ex worked at. I brought the baby up to see his co-workers and they asked if they could “borrow” my baby for a few minutes. Knowing what they planned, I consented. They walked over to the girls in the home and handed ds to the girl. Immediately he started rooting on her as it was his feeding time. She giggled and asked what he was doing and when the worker told her she couldn’t give the baby back fast enough. A little reality really screws up those romantic notions about having a baby.

I think there also has to be alot of communication too. In my house the kids and I talk about everything to the point of my discomfort… When they had chastity training in school, the parents had to do the homework with them. I have always stressed to my kids that sex is a gift and it can only be your first time once… and what a wedding gift! So far my method has worked… and kids are 21, 19, and 17.
 
I’ve always heard that if you wait until you find the special some1 one who is right for marriage, then your first ‘time’ will be a blast. I can see why because there is a lot of trouble that come into teen sex. Maybe not right away, but soon after… Did she get pregnant, did the condom work, will her dad find out, why am i itchy down there, what do we do now… Hmmm last time I checked none of those worries have to trouble you when you truly find the one who is right for marriage.
 
I had stricter parents than you when I was about 12-13, they tried to ‘restrict’ everything I did, I completely flipped when I was about 14 and things went downhill really quickly for them and for me too, it got to the point where they couldn’t control me and I won’t go into details. So as much as you like to think you have control, you will eventually lose it and all respect that they had for you earlier.
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So you left the reservation because they were too strict? The only reason? I’m guessing you were leaving the reservation no matter what. Some kids are just gonna not do right, no matter what you do, others just need a little deterence, and that may be the deciding factor, when it comes to going to some motel, or coming home. “If I’m not home, by 12am he WILL come looking, so I’m going home.” But thats just me.

By the way I retired in 2005, my knowledge of the local geogrpahy is quite to date, but it goes beyond that, I’ve lived in this city 40+ years! I still know the police officers who work in the junvenile division. A great resource if I ever wanna know where the next big party is LOL… But hey my niece is only 11, and so far respects her parents and her wishes, I’m only the auxiallary.

Yes, they should be taught the whys of doing correctly and all the lessons. I had a son who never gave us a minutes trouble when he was a teenager. It was the days before cell phones, but he had rules to go by, time to be home. I knew where he was, and what he was doing, but if he stayed out beyond the limits, he knew I could a make phone calls, and find him. I knew the parents of his friends, and if I got a story I could call them to see if it jived with the story they got. LOL.

He had to be home by 12. There is no reason for a 15 year old to be out later than that. Certainly not a little girl. There is nothing but potential trouble that late. Now, I hear there is nothing she can’t do at 9 she can’t do at 12. I don’t believe that either. It is harder to pull off going to bad stuff when many are out, then 12 when the streets are deserted.

I don’t believe discipline, authority, and respecting the rules makes ANY kid go bad. I believe any stats that say otherwise come from baby boomers like me, who grew up in the wide open 60s and 70s where anything goes. What a mess my generation has made of things LOL. Baby boomers are in control of all the academia in this country and have for years been spouting off, “you can’t fail a kid because it hurts their feelings, everybody has to get trophy, and everyone should be able to do their own thing.” For crying out loud look what my generation has done to the Church. We have permeated our society to such a point it is now believed if you are too strict on your kids, they’re gonna go bad! Hello???

Some kids are not gonna do right no matter what you do, some are always gonna do correct, and then you have others who ride the fence, and those are the ones you gotta keep.

As my son moved through his teen years, earning our trust by always doing right. Some say he led too sheltered a life, if he did, it didn’t seem to bother him. At 28 he is a successful business man in a Fortune 500 company, and still serves at the Altar. He has been mostly good at everything he’s ever done. Not perfect by any means, but he gets by.

It worked for us, but I dunno about my niece yet LOL.

But for those thay use the hands off style, hey be my guest! You could be the parent of a teenager who is not influenced by outside forces, and if you’re not come back and tell us how it worked out for ya.
 
BamaRider said:
You know alot of this comes from how quick kids want to be adults.

Girls have steady boyfriends at 13. By 15 they are dating, so what is left to do by the time they are 18? You see where this goes?

You probably can’t keep teenage boys and girls seperated, I know how I was. Best thing you can do is take the hard line. I’m thinking when my niece turns turns 13 (now 11) I’m gonna put one of those GPS ankle bracelets on her, and when her phone rings she better answer it, and when I ask her where she’s at, she better not fib becasue I already know.

I already told her I’m retired, I have nothing but time, and I can stay up far later then she ever dreamed. I know every crook and cranny of this city after 26 years of roaming these streets in the fire dept.

There is no where she can go, person she can meet, or something she can do, that I won’t know about it. I’m subject to just get out and ride around town just to see whats going on.

But thats just me.
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Wow, my Dad could have written this! (except they didn’t have gps when I was a teenager) My dad was famous for driving by slowly at whatever place I could be hanging out. The fear of daddy finding me stopped me from many a bad decision.

My Dad could have also worked for the CIA, he had this great way of interrogating me, had me convinced he already knew the truth, and that I better confess now.

Daddy was also rather tall and strong…could be mistaken for menacing (but actually totally sweet) so boys tended to be afraid of him. And of course when I would have a boyfriend come over, the topic of conversation would turn to sports. The boy would ask, “What types of sports do you like, Sir” “Well, I like to hunt, would you like to see my guns?”

The only guy my father liked was my DH (I think that’s why he’s my DH he passed the Daddy test)

So Guy, I approve with your Uncle skills (though she might not like the GPS ankle thing)
 
Though I got into plenty of trouble (my family only said to “be safe” and really didn’t care, heck my mom even said “you don’t need to be married to have a baby”), I did try to weed out the ill intentioned with the following (all being true too): "My dad is an attorney and in the military, I have many relatives who are currently or are former Chicago police officers, and I have another set of cousins, one of which is partners with Jimmy Hoffa Jr.). It was usually the last one that scared the shady ones away.
 
A friend of mine was very promiscuous…When he was 13 had sex, and kept on going until he had a steady gf of about a year, at 3 months after he was with her, he had sex with her…Right before their 1st year “anniversary” he found out he had a disease…He had problems going to the bathroom…he was scared to death…He called his father and had his father take him to the doctor’s where it costed him over 200 bucks to get fixed!!! He had contracted an STD, Gono$#@!..YUCK!! But thank GOD it was just that…He freaked out so badly it traumatized him, he was 16 and stopped having sex ever since…he’s a Catholic and told me he couldn’t believe how scary it was and how grateful he is now for not “doing it” and now waiting for the right one…

So good for him…

As for me, after I got married, my exhusband had been promiscuous and had an STD, I didn’t know anything about it until I was pregnant with my daugher…I made him get a check-up, he refused, but I confronted him about it and demanded it, I couldn’t believe him…I was so grossed out but the doctor’s said it was treatable with a pill and that was it…It was embarrassing really bad because I was pg with my first baby and I was very lucky we caught him early on…Well my ex was having sex since he was 13 years old as well…It’s crazy…And he apologized and let me know he had never gone to the doctor even though he did use protection?! 🤷 Of course I forgave him, I didn’t care I loved him he was my husband after all…And he swore he wasn’t sleeping around while he was with me…so I accepted him, he got treated and that was it…He was scared though and thank GOD it was nothing major…

So nothing really good comes from sleeping around!!! :mad:
 
BamaRider said:
So you left the reservation because they were too strict? The only reason? I’m guessing you were leaving the reservation no matter what. Some kids are just gonna not do right, no matter what you do, others just need a little deterence, and that may be the deciding factor, when it comes to going to some motel, or coming home. “If I’m not home, by 12am he WILL come looking, so I’m going home.” But thats just me.

By the way I retired in 2005, my knowledge of the local geogrpahy is quite to date, but it goes beyond that, I’ve lived in this city 40+ years! I still know the police officers who work in the junvenile division. A great resource if I ever wanna know where the next big party is LOL… But hey my niece is only 11, and so far respects her parents and her wishes, I’m only the auxiallary.

Yes, they should be taught the whys of doing correctly and all the lessons. I had a son who never gave us a minutes trouble when he was a teenager. It was the days before cell phones, but he had rules to go by, time to be home. I knew where he was, and what he was doing, but if he stayed out beyond the limits, he knew I could a make phone calls, and find him. I knew the parents of his friends, and if I got a story I could call them to see if it jived with the story they got. LOL.

He had to be home by 12. There is no reason for a 15 year old to be out later than that. Certainly not a little girl. There is nothing but potential trouble that late. Now, I hear there is nothing she can’t do at 9 she can’t do at 12. I don’t believe that either. It is harder to pull off going to bad stuff when many are out, then 12 when the streets are deserted.

I don’t believe discipline, authority, and respecting the rules makes ANY kid go bad. I believe any stats that say otherwise come from baby boomers like me, who grew up in the wide open 60s and 70s where anything goes. What a mess my generation has made of things LOL. Baby boomers are in control of all the academia in this country and have for years been spouting off, “you can’t fail a kid because it hurts their feelings, everybody has to get trophy, and everyone should be able to do their own thing.” For crying out loud look what my generation has done to the Church. We have permeated our society to such a point it is now believed if you are too strict on your kids, they’re gonna go bad! Hello???

Some kids are not gonna do right no matter what you do, some are always gonna do correct, and then you have others who ride the fence, and those are the ones you gotta keep.

As my son moved through his teen years, earning our trust by always doing right. Some say he led too sheltered a life, if he did, it didn’t seem to bother him. At 28 he is a successful business man in a Fortune 500 company, and still serves at the Altar. He has been mostly good at everything he’s ever done. Not perfect by any means, but he gets by.

It worked for us, but I dunno about my niece yet LOL.

But for those thay use the hands off style, hey be my guest! You could be the parent of a teenager who is not influenced by outside forces, and if you’re not come back and tell us how it worked out for ya.
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Nowhere did I state that absolutely every single ‘restrictive’ household will lead to something catastrophic, I did state ‘statistics’ to indicate probability. If your son turned out just the way you wanted to, then that’s good. I had a lot of friends who had stricter parents than mine perhaps, but they were always in line. Why? Don’t know, but I do know of the sad stories my mum have repeated to me of her friends’ daughters running away, ruining their lives because their parents didn’t allow them much freedom and tried to control everything.

Knowing the “police” isn’t a threat If someone had told me that in 8th grade, I’d have thought it was a challenge.

And neither did I state you have to be a parent or guardian with no responsibilities, there are places to draw the line. But being a spy and trying to find out what they are doing everytime or driving by to see if you can find them is most obviously going to make them want to annoy you.
 
Harmony1988 said:
Nowhere did I state that absolutely every single ‘restrictive’ household will lead to something catastrophic, I did state ‘statistics’ to indicate probability. If your son turned out just the way you wanted to, then that’s good. I had a lot of friends who had stricter parents than mine perhaps, but they were always in line. Why? Don’t know, but I do know of the sad stories my mum have repeated to me of her friends’ daughters running away, ruining their lives because their parents didn’t allow them much freedom.

And I suppose you thinking you know the “police” is a threat? If someone had told me that in 8th grade, I’d have thought it was a challenge.

And neither did I state you have to be a parent or guardian with no responsibilities, there are places to draw the line. But being a spy and trying to find out what they are doing everytime or driving by to see if you can find them is most obviously going to make them want to **** you off, then you can stand up and take the blame later 😉 Remember…we heard it here first, let’s mark the date.
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Speaking of which…I am one of those statistics and so is my fiance…Unfortunately after being raised by my mother the way she did it was more of a good thing to see her pissed off at me again for something bad I had done…It gave me pleasure as a teenager to see her hating me for being myself…Instead of obeying her every demand…It was hard for me to do everything she wanted and having such restrictions when I saw how lenient they were with my younger siblings…It only affected me and those rules were only for me, not them…my sister ended up pg when she was 16…and even though she and her hubby are happily married still to this day after so many years, going on 8 years now next august…I ask myself sometimes would I have been so rebellious if they would have been more lenient with me as they were with my siblings? I think I would have obeyed and had a better relationship with my mother if I didn’t feel she hated me so much… 😦

As for my fiance, the same thing, she raised her boys to be soldiers, seriously!! It got so bad between the 2 brothers my fiance’s brother despises him and claims he ruined his childhood by being born, because his mother only wanted 1 child, and she made it clear especiallly around my fiance’s older brother…the only time they talk is when his older brother is drunk!! 😦

And so because of all the problems growing up including the fact that my fiance’s mother smoked during her pregnancy with him he was born premature and with half a developed brain…it took him a long time to be able to develop normally causing his parents a lot of panic and pain, which he felt it most from his mother when she seemed to tell him he owed her for all he put her and the family through as if!!! So he did take on to the streets as a teen, and rebelled…
 
Society says “they’re gonna do what they’re gonna do” or “they’ll do it anyway” …what a joke. :-s
  1. I would explain the whole process to them as soon as they ask without clouding over the uncomfortable bits…age appropriate of course. My mom did this for me when I was 7 and although I didn’t fully understand the exact meaning of it all I had the basic idea. When I got sex ed in school it just clearified a few things (mainly regarding the timing of the cycles and all that). 😉
  2. I’d explain to my child that regardless what society says any kind of underage sex is just bad. They aren’t mature enough to handle it and the possible ramifications that go along not to mention STDs, Pregnancy, emotional trauma…(especially if there’s a break up). 😦
  3. Then there’s the matter of their eternal soul that needs to be addressed. It’s their choice fundamentally wether they want to risk their soul and external damnation or not but they need to be old enough to make that decision as well. What teenager really thinks about mortality. ;-0
If you want them to see a good conception of Hell show them a few minutes of the Keono Reeves flick where he plays a prophet…can’t remember the name just now…but it has the best conception of hell in it I’ve ever seen and boy do I so not want to go there…lol 😉
 
My mother gave me few limits. She tried, with reason, to get me to stay a virgin, but “If you don’t, take the pill.” We had other problems, too. But I was a hippie, and couldn’t wait to get rid of my virginity. Besides, “Men don’t really care, or Daddy wouldn’t have left.”

I think the difference between the kids raised with strictness who go wrong, and the ones who don’t, is probably love and communication, both at the same time. And the same thing from both parents. That’s only my 2 cents; I’m not a parent.

If the kids feel special and worthwhile, then they’ll probably “get it” that virginity is special and worth keeping. If they only feel like cogs in a wheel (“Do this because I said so”), or like they shouldn’t have been born, then why should they think their bodies are anything special?

And watch how you communicate, too. I was unplanned, and my mother told me from a very early age that I was “the best mistake” she ever made. I got *both *sides of that message. 😦 Talk about confusion!

God bless us all,

Ruthie
 
i guess that depends on the age of concent in your state. if they are of age, it’s no one’s business but their own.
 
samisasavage said:
i guess that depends on the age of concent in your state. if they are of age, it’s no one’s business but their own.
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We’re talking from a moral and health stand point. Doesn’t matter whether it’s legal or not.
 
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