Teens confiding in parents

[AlanFromWichita]

OK, I have learned a lot since I raised the issue of promiscuity and our role as adults in shaping youthful attitudes toward it, in my previous thread on the topic. The thread showed that numerous others agree that the scope of the problem is great, and that whatever we’re doing now, as in the past, is not getting across to a large number of Catholic youth. The thread also showed that communication issues between two people can be so great that any meaningful discussion is useless.

My contention is that communication issues between parents and adults are primary targets for why adults are not currently effective at instilling (not just simply conveying) the message of chastity.

I would like to hear ideas about what makes it either easy or difficult for your children to confide in you about weighty and emotional matters, or the same question for you with your own parents. Third party stories are welcome.

In short, would anyone care to opine what works and what doesn’t in parent-child communications?

For starters, I see several reasons a child might confide in parents. A situation may have gotten out of hand and the child can no longer avoid the discussion, a child may be open and honest out of fear of being found out, or the child may be open and honest because he/she thinks there is value in the communication with the parents.

My opinion is that we can accurately state that it takes two to communicate and the child is just as responsible as the adult for keeping lines open, that doesn’t get parents off the hook. The children got that way somehow through societal influences and whatever the parents did or failed to do. Proverbs 22:6 states “Train a boy in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not swerve from it.” To me, this means that parents must have some way to accomplish this. What I want to know is how more of us can find effective ways. While I understand that children can be influenced in ways beyond a parent’s ability to perceive or combat, I think the main onus has to be on the parents.

To start it off, I think of two components that get in the way of communication. One, the child may not believe the parent has any useful information to offer, therefore openness is not compelling to them. Second, the child may be afraid of the parents’ reaction, or honestly wish not to hurt the parents with burdensome information, especially if the parents are busy and distracted with their roles in or outside the family.

What are others’ ideas about these or other communication barriers, and how we can break them down? Does anybody think certain barriers are prudent? How does a childs “right to privacy” reconcile with the parents’ responsibilities to protect and teach the children? Who has wonderful stories about how such barriers have been broken in their lives?

Alan

 

[La_Chiara]

Okay, Alan, I’ll get the ball rolling!

I believe (and practice my belief that) parents are primarily responsible for establishing the relationship and communication with their children from the youngest possible age. We parents need to talk to our kids, ask questions, listen, and provide perspective to what our kids tell us. When our kids start to talk (or maybe even before), is when we should be letting them know that we value a one-on-one relationship with them. Having special times with each child and special rituals are critical to each child feeling uniquely appreciated for their unique selves. And then, we as parents need to keep nurturing that relationship. Our kids need to know that we are a resource to support them and help them get through difficulties. At the same time we as Catholic parents need to be sharing our morals and values with them as a framework for how they (and we) live our lives. Only in that way can we expect them to turn to us and talk to us when they get to be teens.

From my own childhood and parenting, I know all this is easier in smaller families than in larger families. Parents of larger families often have to perform triage–giving attention to the most critical concerns, sometimes at the expense of some kids getting overlooked.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

La Chiara:

From my own childhood and parenting, I know all this is easier in smaller families than in larger families. Parents of larger families often have to perform triage–giving attention to the most critical concerns, sometimes at the expense of some kids getting overlooked.

Spoken like one who’s been there!

Alan

 

[Giannawannabe]

I don’t have teens yet–my oldest is 11. However, being an “older” mom, I have many friends with teens right now. It seems that in the homes where the teens communicate well with their parents and don’t rebel too strongly (no matter if they are public schooled, home schooled, or private schooled), there is a nice balance of discipline and freedom. The parents allow the kids slow but steady freedom to make their own decisions and mistakes. There is neither too much control/overprotection nor is there no control/underprotection. I pray that I can achieve that balance with my own children. I believe it is the key to raising communicative kids who trust and respect their parents.

God Bless
Giannawannabe

 

[thann]

Giannawannabe:

The parents allow the kids slow but steady freedom to make their own decisions and mistakes. There is neither too much control/overprotection nor is there no control/underprotection.

This is exactly the way we have reared our son, Teddy, who is 14 and a high school freshman. We were blessed with only one child, and I know that larger families have vastly different dynamics.

Teddy has always been very mature for his age, possibly partly because he is an only child. Because of that, we have been able to reason with him and have been able to avoid any sort of corporal punishment. He has always felt comfortable coming to me (more than his dad) about any subject – particularly questions about sex. I have always answered every question of his honestly and completely, never shying away from his hard questions, and always within the framework of the teachings of the Catholic Church. As a result, he trusts me as a parent.

I never made the mistake of trying to be his “buddy.” I am his Mother, his dad is his Father, and all of us respect those roles. We are firm with Teddy as far as rules, and he knows and appreciates his boundaries – even when he tries to stretch them a bit. My husband and I have always provided a consistent and united front, so there is no ambiguity in where we stand on things.

As he is getting older we are giving him greater freedom, allowing him to make some mistakes (never anything that would jeopardize his life or his soul). This has made him stronger.
It sure is hard to let go, but it is such a blessing to see him spreading his wings and making the right choices in life. My husband and I have always told Teddy that we will be here to love him along his journey in life – and should he take a wrong turn, we will always welcome him home, the way the father welcomed his prodigal son. The way God forgives and welcomes us home.

'thann

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Giannawannabe and thann,

Thank you for those great stories.

Another thing that kids may hate me for revealing is that you can often learn a great deal about your kids by reading the “blogs” of their friends and them.

For example, here is a weblog that was posted yesterday (she was home due to illness) by an actual 14-year-old freshman girl I know who is attending a Catholic high school. This girl makes straight A’s nearly always, receives numerous accolades from teachers and administrators, is socially well connected, and has never received less than a B on a report card. I have permission from her parents to copy it here;it is directly cut-and-pasted, except I’ve changed the high school name to MyCatholicHS to keep it abstract.
Home Sick:

I will be at school tomorrow. Yay… I hope. B days are NORMALLY pretty okay, I like them. Except for Block 5… religion. Bleh! I think they’re TRYING to make us hate it by shoving it down our throats. I mean… I’m a Catholic. I believe in God. Half the people in my school don’t… because of the religion teachers and hypocrisy in the system though. I mean… they say they’re bringing us up to be like Christ… it seems like they’re actually just ignoring the problems we do have and pretend they don’t exist. It seems like the only things seperating MyCatholicHS from the public schools are: demerits, uniforms, and the secrecy in what the kids do.

Alan

 

[YinYangMom]

It’s all about TRUST.

From the womb to the tomb, a parent HAS to establish and maintain trust with their child - AND everyone they come in contact with.

That means, when a parent asks the leading questions which get a child to admit to committing a wrong of some sort, the parent doesn’t then overreact or fly off the handle…but gives the kid a big hug while thanking them for telling the truth and then doling out the consequence for the action of offence.

It means when they ask you not to tell Mom or Dad that something happened…you tell them Mom and Dad don’t keep secrets when it comes to the family, but assure them that Mom or Dad will be able to handle whatever the news is without causing too much stress on the child.

It means tapping into other resources of information once the kids branch out with their own circle of friends - get to know the parents and siblings, work with teachers/administrators thru various committees so you’re in the loop, visit the school on occasion just to observe things…

I still believe Journals/diaries are private and should not be read - UNLESS there are indications in child behaviors/grades/weight, etc which suggest the child is lost/confused/depressed.

I created my childrens’ screen names and I have their passwords. They know and trust that I will not use them UNLESS their behavior warrants it - and that’s why open communication/trust are vital between us. I also promised to let them know when I would feel inclined to explore their accounts…that gives them the opportunity to fess up ahead of time (usually does the trick).

Fortunately, there has only been one situation this took place, and when it did (with my 15 year old son at the time) he was very relieved that I was finally ‘in the know’. As parents we didn’t over react…we just asked questions out of concern for whatever he was feeling at the time…and then the three of us determined he would benefit from seeing a psychologist to help him deal with what he was going through. We also promised - and have kept our word - not to tell his sister about his situation…THAT decision is his to make.

All the years prior to these (they are now 15/17) of CONSISTENTLY keeping our word, asking leading questions, engaging in discussions which have to do with how they feel about what goes on around them - particularly about various television programs…have brought us to this point so far - where they still come to us to start discussions - about politics, about the homosexual controversy, about abortion, about mental disorders, about drugs/violence in school, about slashers and people with weight disorders. As parents, we don’t lecture them, we refer to the Catechism and other Catholic books…we discuss the mainstream media’s take on things and compare them to the Church’s position and let them see for themselves the beauty and respect of the Truth.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

YinYangMom:

It’s all about TRUST.

From the womb to the tomb, a parent HAS to establish and maintain trust with their child - AND everyone they come in contact with.

I still believe Journals/diaries are private and should not be read - UNLESS there are indications in child behaviors/grades/weight, etc which suggest the child is lost/confused/depressed.

I created my childrens’ screen names and I have their passwords. They know and trust that I will not use them UNLESS their behavior warrants it - and that’s why open communication/trust are vital between us. I also promised to let them know when I would feel inclined to explore their accounts…that gives them the opportunity to fess up ahead of time (usually does the trick).

Fortunately, there has only been one situation this took place, and when it did (with my 15 year old son at the time) he was very relieved that I was finally ‘in the know’. As parents we didn’t over react…we just asked questions out of concern for whatever he was feeling at the time…and then the three of us determined he would benefit from seeing a psychologist to help him deal with what he was going through. We also promised - and have kept our word - not to tell his sister about his situation…THAT decision is his to make.

Dear YinYangMom,

It is evident from your words that your children know they can trust you. If we have their hearts, we can help them. If we don’t, there isn’t much we can do for him.

Alan

 

[ChattyCatty]

Just as a thought from a teenager that prowls around on these forums, the journals/diaries aren’t always private. There are several “weblogs” on the internet where kids post their most private thoughts and actions. I personally believe, that one chooses to post their thoughts on the internet, that they should be fully aware that ANYONE all over the world could have access to that information at any given time.

As to the relationships between kids and their parents.
I suggest a few things… do not judge. You have to prove that there is an open relationship, as many on this thread have already stated. If you ask your kid what’s going on, and then totally freak when they do, I can assure you that the kid will most likely never talk to you again.

Suspicion in the relationship is both a good and bad thing. Making the assumption that something is going on can only hurt the kid, especially if he or she is not involved with anything of the sort. I can personally say that it hurts … a lot when your parents assume you’re into drugs/sex/alcohol/etc.

Though, I must say, one should find a balance between blindness and trust. There are several kids, whom, at MY catholic high school that host “parties” and such which could possibly be avoided with an open relationship.

From the youth’s eyes,
Catherine

 

[KittyKat]

I personally believe that talking to your child and making them understand from a young age about big things such as sex and honesty. I also think it is very important to make sure that they know that if they make a mistake that they can talk to you about it.

I always used to wish that my mother was more understanding and easier to talk to. I liked to go to my now husband’s mother because she is a lot easier to talk to.
Kat

 

[turboEDvo]

Giannawannabe:

I don’t have teens yet–my oldest is 11. However, being an “older” mom, I have many friends with teens right now. It seems that in the homes where the teens communicate well with their parents and don’t rebel too strongly (no matter if they are public schooled, home schooled, or private schooled), there is a nice balance of discipline and freedom. The parents allow the kids slow but steady freedom to make their own decisions and mistakes. There is neither too much control/overprotection nor is there no control/underprotection. I pray that I can achieve that balance with my own children. I believe it is the key to raising communicative kids who trust and respect their parents.

God Bless
Giannawannabe

I have to agree with this one. I am pretty open with my parents (and I don’t think it is coincidence that they raised me with the whole freedom/control balance). From my perspective, I would say that I value my parents’ opinions on just about everything. I would say that the only reason I wouldn’t tell my parents somethings is if I were worried about their reaction. I sometimes just have a different outlook on things, and don’t want to spark tension. And lets be honest, as a teen, there are just some things that are a bit awkward to talk about with parents like relationships. However, I tested the water on that one with my mom, and she was surprisingly supportive of my choice to maintain a long-distance relationship in college. I think part of it is that parents need to realize that what they say really does affect their children, so they have to appropriately gauge their responses to certain situations. My mom used to get really mad if I got a bad test grade (rare), but now, if I do, I tell her after I have talked to the teacher about turning it around on the next test, and she let’s me handle it. There are really few things that I can’t discuss with my parents (one of the few being religion…I’m tired of hearing how wonderful Boston will be as a center of liberal Catholicism…so you can guess where my parents stand on taht one)

As for barriers being broken, I would say that early in high school, I didn’t communicate as well with my parents as well as I do now. Basically, I finally realized that they already knew a bunch of stuff that I hadn’t told them (mostly about some of my friends) and they let me handle it. For example, they know that two of my friends drink heavily. However, they let me go on a trip with them, and have always told me the dangers of alcohol (and my mom never asked about their drinking, she just candidly said “Where are Peter and Spencer getting their alcohol?” That absolutely blew me away). I honestly didn’t touch the stuff while I was there, because my parents told me not to. This really helped me realize that I can be more open with my parents about things. Once I found that they really did trust me more that I thought, I had no issue trusting them more (of course, I wasn’t violating their trust and had no reason to hide anything)

Eamon

 

[YinYangMom]

ChattyCatty:

Just as a thought from a teenager that prowls around on these forums, the journals/diaries aren’t always private. There are several “weblogs” on the internet where kids post their most private thoughts and actions. I personally believe, that one chooses to post their thoughts on the internet, that they should be fully aware that ANYONE all over the world could have access to that information at any given time.

As to the relationships between kids and their parents.
I suggest a few things… do not judge. You have to prove that there is an open relationship, as many on this thread have already stated. If you ask your kid what’s going on, and then totally freak when they do, I can assure you that the kid will most likely never talk to you again.

Suspicion in the relationship is both a good and bad thing. Making the assumption that something is going on can only hurt the kid, especially if he or she is not involved with anything of the sort. I can personally say that it hurts … a lot when your parents assume you’re into drugs/sex/alcohol/etc.

Though, I must say, one should find a balance between blindness and trust. There are several kids, whom, at MY catholic high school that host “parties” and such which could possibly be avoided with an open relationship.

From the youth’s eyes,
Catherine

Thanks, Catherine, for sharing your insights.
Do you think the blogging is because the kids feel no one cares around them? That their parents wouldn’t know how to respond or help them with what they’re troubled about?

I sometimes wonder if teens pick up from TV and movies that parents are incompetent and that there just has to be drama in their lives at their age or they aren’t ‘normal’. I know my two kids feel a bit odd at times like that…their friends always have one ‘crisis’ or another, but we’re so even-keeled. Both kids thank us for providing the stable environment we have…they certainly aren’t complaining about not having drama, but they’ve noted our home is different from others’.

When they tell us that we remind them that it was a conscious decision/effort on our part (mom and dad) from the day we decided to start having children and that it takes a lot of work. And then we encourage them to keep that in mind for the day they have their own children, should they be so blessed.