Telling my parents about my conversion

[Sillara]

I let my parents know by phone. They then invited themselves over to talk about it. My father said if it brought me closer to Christ, then it was fine.

But my mother has never forgiven me. She hates the fact that we do not contracept, and she hates the fact that we became “not her denomination”. Being Catholic is just choosing almost the worst thing to be.

It has been several years now. She isn’t over it. I doubt she ever will be.

But it is worth it. I would never exchange being Catholic for anything!

 

[DarkLight]

I think you should just tell them now, especially since you’ve been in RCIA this whole time–right? Did they know you were in RCIA? I think they will be hurt that you couldn’t tell them the truth starting in the Fall, or whenever you joined RCIA.

But ultimately, you know your parents, and how they will react. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

Yeah, my problem here is that there just is no way to tell them that isn’t going to result in a huge storm and a ton of anger and hurt from my mother. Of course she’s going to be hurt that I didn’t tell her earlier…and she’s of course going to blame me entirely for not telling her, despite the fact that I didn’t tell her because I wanted to make my decision without fighting her manipulation at the same time. I’ve sort of gotten used to it - it’s always all my fault when it comes to my family.

 

[Chantal25]

About keeping it simple.* I recently converted to Catholicism.* The conversation will follow on its own.

First pray

I love the idea to write a letter and practice.

All the best with this, i pray for you and your parent!

 

[Kal2012]

Yeah - I’m still working on that one too.

Personally, I’d wait until God creates an opening for you to talk about it.

In my situation, my mom is dead. My dad is the kind of person who says “well, whatever makes you happy”, so it’s not like it matters one way or another. Of course, he’ll have an opinion about it, but it’s not going to change our relationship one way or another.

Dad’s the type of person that reads the Bible, but I’ve never seen him go to a church, except for weddings and funerals.

If the fact that you are Catholic is going to cause problems, then I’d be cautious about how you approach it w/mom.

I like the idea of a letter. That way you can choose your words and they can choose how to respond. Are you closer to one parent than the other? It might just be easier to tell the one you have a better relationship with and see how that goes. Then, again, I was pretty much raised in a single parent home, so I’m not sure if that would work or not. Still, if you have one supportive parent and you have to get the other one to come around, then it might be a good idea to get an ally on your side.

 

[Claire_Lily]

I am thinking of the hymn “Be Not Afraid - I Go Before You Always…” Pray about this and have faith that you will be given courage when you tell them your good news. Be prepared to answer their questions and criticism calmly. You cannot control how others react. They will probably not understand now but continue to show them you are happy and confident about your decision.

 

[Allegra]

Thanks everyone! My parents are definitely in the “Catholics are of the devil” camp. And my mother has so far refused to be corrected on, well, anything. This is an ongoing problem with everything, not just religion - my mother in general refuses to accept that I might know anything that she doesn’t, even on basic issues like what’s appropriate to wear to my job. And she’s already pretty much decided that I’m out of God’s will, especially given that she continually seems to feel disrespected by everything I do.

I know I’m perfectly capable of rationally defending my faith. The problem is my mother doesn’t handle these things rationally. She handles things she doesn’t like by going into attack mode. It becomes the only topic of conversation she’ll engage in, and one where she’s out to win and not really giving me a chance. Even if she sees this as progress (it’s an improvement over atheist, so she might), I’m worried that it’ll become more ammo for her idea that my atheism was just a stage of me being a stupid kid and that I’m clearly not mature enough to make my own decisions.

Based on this, I would say that religion isn’t really the issue with the relationship. In my opinion, if your mother has made it emotionally unsafe for you to invest your trust in her, then she has relinquished the privilege of your confidence. You don’t have to tell her anything you do. If she finds out about it from someone else, so what? That wouldn’t bother me. My mother is the same way about certain topics and I just don’t talk to her about those issues. If she tries to bring it up, I just brush it off with, “Don’t worry. I’ve got it under control.” and change the subject. I really don’t see anything wrong with this method of dealing with mama madness.

 

[DarkLight]

About keeping it simple.* I recently converted to Catholicism.* The conversation will follow on its own.

First pray

I love the idea to write a letter and practice.

All the best with this, i pray for you and your parent!

I am thinking of the hymn “Be Not Afraid - I Go Before You Always…” Pray about this and have faith that you will be given courage when you tell them your good news. Be prepared to answer their questions and criticism calmly. You cannot control how others react. They will probably not understand now but continue to show them you are happy and confident about your decision.

I think the biggest problem is that I don’t particularly want to deal with the sort of “conversation” that follows. I know from experience that I can’t sit calmly through them. I’m really just trying to do damage control so she doesn’t find out and take my hiding it as another thing wrong with me and an indication of the negative influence that my new faith is having on me.

 

[Claire_Lily]

I am sorry for the emotional suffering you are experiencing in your situation and that it overshadows the joy of your becoming a Catholic. It is encouraging to read the Bible. Here are some verses that have helped me when I have been troubled: 1 Peter 3:13-17 and 4:12-19 and Proverbs 3:5-6. I will pray for you.

 

[Chantal25]

I think the biggest problem is that I don’t particularly want to deal with the sort of “conversation” that follows. I know from experience that I can’t sit calmly through them. I’m really just trying to do damage control so she doesn’t find out and take my hiding it as another thing wrong with me and an indication of the negative influence that my new faith is having on me.

Maybe, you can choose not to mention anything unless an opportunity raise. If she find out and get at your throat, you could gently remind her, it is why, you choose not to say anything.

You won’t be able to do much damage control if she is as you said.

BUT: If you do a novena first before deciding to talk with your mother, you will witness amazing peace. I love the sacred heart of Jesus. There is also Saint Jude (he helps with the impossible). I would do the rosary and mystery. Mother Mary is absolutely wonderful with our family.

Don’t worry, everything will be ok, but PRAY. God will help you with this. Jesus is right there and he wont’ abandon his child.

We are never and never alone never when we have Jesus on our side. Enjoy his presence on your next communion. I feel that i go in heaven when i go, he is so wonderful.

I pray for your parent to be at peace with this and for all the perfect miracle for everyone!

Blessings!

 

[quiet52]

Hi Darklight,

The issue you have posted about is not a rare one at all for new Catholics. I encourage you to discuss this with your RCIA group during your Mystagogy sessions. But I will share some of my thoughts with you.

First of all, are you happy you are Catholic? Congratulations on your one week adventure in being new in Christ!

Whether you choose to inform your parents in person, or to send them a card or note, I would like to suggest that you first prepare yourself spiritually. Doing so will help you to open up your mind and heart toward your parents.

I’ve served the Church for years, and try to remember to pray first, and do whatever else that is necessary spiritually to prepare. As for matters of faith, it’s been more challenging for me to deal with family than with anyone else! And for some reason, knowing that I should pray first, I forget too much of the time, and I end up regretting not being better prepared spiritually, to be better able to reflect the love of Christ for them.

Remember “Darklight” that you are no longer the person your parents think they know. You are wearing a new garment in Christ; you have become a new creation. Through Baptism your soul is infused with faith, hope and love, and our Lord’s Holy Spirit wants to help you use the seven wonderful gifts endowed on your soul to build up Jesus’ Kingdom here on earth – which includes those two beautiful creations called parents who allowed you to be born! The gift of the holy Eucharist has provided you nourishment and strength so that you can strive to be one, not only with our Lord, but with everyone else the best way you can, including your parents.

Remember why you’ve done all this studying, praying, and working at letting God transform your heart, mind and will in Him. Remember His love for you! and that you love Him! Remember your joy in knowing this, and knowing how important you are to Him! Remember you are glad that you are Catholic, no matter what anyone else thinks about it! Remember how grateful you are to be a member of the holy Church our Lord founded for us all, to help us to get to heaven. Remember the hope that you have, to share the eternal banquet table with all the angels and saints – and that you want your loved ones there too! Let them witness your happiness. Love your parents here and now, no matter what – try your best to lay aside all their imperfections and undesireable behaviors.

Remember that Jesus was criticized and spurned repeatedly during his public ministry. He even enraged many in his hometown of Nazareth (see Luke 4). You can approach your parents remembering you are not the old “kid” any more. Be confident (not arrogant) that Christ is WITH you. You are holy. You can choose to BE a Christ to them! Don’t let their approval or disapproval matter so much any more – that’s a worldly thing. Just be loving. No matter how they choose to respond, no matter the criticism, the emotions, the fallout, the unfairness, or how you feel. That’s just junk – dust – which you can shake off your shoes.

I remember having to tell my mother something difficult, many moons ago, which I dreaded. I first dwelt on all the possibly negative ways she would react, because I considered her deficits, and I was a mess after all that dreading. So for a day, I considered things I appreciated about her – I’m thinking of her pumpkin spice nut bread as I type this – looking for the goodness in her helped me to prepare more positively. Look for the goodness within your parents, and even if they behave in a negative way, continue to look at the good. Your parents will always be your parents, you can continue to love them and remember their dignity and yours, no matter what. Jesus didn’t argue with people – He accepted that some people would not accept Him or what He had to say. That’s what Jesus wants from you. He didn’t stop loving people when they spurned Him. I’d like to think that some of those in Nazareth’s synagogue who ran him out of town later got curious, and followed him.

So, piece of cake, right?! No, of course not. And no matter how you approach your parents, you will probably inform them imperfectly, and they’ll respond imperfectly. There might be an earthquake, but be calm – stand with God. Look at your behavior, not theirs. And then there’s that glorious gift of unconditional forgiveness! And the gift of praying for those we love. And the gift of God’s many graces, including the sacramental graces which sustain us. Please remain clothed in Christ. That’s the daily (hourly) challenge for each of us who has been baptised.

Thank you “Darklight” for loving God! He has special plans for you, each day. May you and your parents be blessed in the light of our Lord’s love.

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in distress. Thus we do not fear, though earth be shaken and mountains quake to the depths of the sea, though its waters rage and foam and mountains totter at its surging.

Streams of the river gladden the city of God, the holy dwelling of the Most High. God is in its midst; it shall not be shaken; God will help it at break of day. Though nations rage and kingdoms totter, he utters his voice and the earth melts. The LORD of hosts is with us; our stronghold is the God of Jacob.

Come and see the works of the LORD, who has done fearsome deeds on earth; who stops wars to the ends of the earth, breaks the bow, splinters the spear, and burns the shields with fire;** “Be still and know that I am God! I am exalted among the nations, exalted on the earth.” The LORD of hosts is with us; our stronghold is the God of Jacob.**

Some other passages to prayerfully reflect on:
Philippians 4:4-9
Colossians 3:12-17
1 Peter 1:13-16

 

[DarkLight]

Follow-up question: How much should I worry or care about what impression my mother gets of Catholicism from me? I don’t want to be the cause of her getting a further belief that Catholicism is evil, but I fear that might be an unavoidable consequence.

 

[maryjk]

I think the biggest problem is that I don’t particularly want to deal with the sort of “conversation” that follows. I know from experience that I can’t sit calmly through them. I’m really just trying to do damage control so she doesn’t find out and take my hiding it as another thing wrong with me and an indication of the negative influence that my new faith is having on me.

Tell them, then run.

Okay, not really. But kind of.

I would tell them when you know you have an out. Be ready for a reasonable conversation. When it becomes unreasonable, as you know it will, let them know that you refuse to be part of it. And leave. And be ready to do that every time they bring it up but won’t be reasonable.

I know you have had problems with your parents before. From experience you know your mother won’t give up without a fight. YOU need to be prepared to walk away.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Follow-up question: How much should I worry or care about what impression my mother gets of Catholicism from me? I don’t want to be the cause of her getting a further belief that Catholicism is evil, but I fear that might be an unavoidable consequence.

The way you posed this question makes me think that if your mother puts you, evil and your faith into an equasion, then these are some massive problems she has that you can’t solve. As the previous poster suggests, be prepared to walk away. I would not get into arguments. I wouldn’t even discuss your conversion. Please put your energy into things that are healthy, rather than make it all about her. Make this all about God instead. He will help you and lead you forward in these challenging times.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Follow-up question: How much should I worry or care about what impression my mother gets of Catholicism from me? I don’t want to be the cause of her getting a further belief that Catholicism is evil, but I fear that might be an unavoidable consequence.

None. It’s not your responsibility to represent the entire Catholic Church to your mother. You already know this disclosure is going to be difficult and probably won’t go that well. You decide if you even want to tell them. It’s not necessary, you know. You’re an adult and you have your own life. Choose your battles.

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life

 

[quiet52]

Follow-up question: How much should I worry or care about what impression my mother gets of Catholicism from me? I don’t want to be the cause of her getting a further belief that Catholicism is evil, but I fear that might be an unavoidable consequence.

You are not responsible for your mother’s thinking or emotions. You are only responsible for your own.
As for any undesireable behaviors on your mother’s part – don’t react. Say a prayer. Think of a saint you admire and ask him or her to intercede in prayer for you, and for your mother. Imagine yourself singing “Make me a channel of your peace…” Just strive to be the new Christian that you are. You don’t have to convince your mother of anything, or to defend your choice to become Catholic – you only want to inform her that you’ve become Catholic and that you’re overjoyed about it.

Remember, Jesus shook the dust off his sandals and walked away from his own in Nazareth when they rejected Him. If that is what you need to do, do so with humble respect and dignity – no ugliness, no drama. “I’ve gotta go now, Mom. I’ll phone you in a week or two. Love you.” Even if she’s raging at you. And if she doesn’t rage, thank her for your calmness, and tell her you pray for her daily, and that you hope she prays for you daily.

Do you think your mother might be open to accepting a book on the faith from you? Such as Karl Keating’s “What Catholics Really Believe” or the “Compendium of the Catechism of the Catholic Church”, which is in question and answer format? If you’re not sure, maybe it’s best not to offer anything right away.

Wear the armor of Christ, and remain joyful in Him, Darklight!