The Church and Domestic Violence

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Thank you for the opportunity to post here. I was an avid listener to Catholic Answers for about three years, before I moved to a city where it is no longer broadcast.

I have been searching on the internet for information about Christianity and domestic violence and have found nothing very helpful. I am hoping some of the thoughtful people here might have some insights and/or information.

What is the Church’s view of a husband who repeatedly abuses his wife physically? In this example, the husband is a very committed Catholic with a strong background in moral theology. This husband persistently refuses to acknowledge that he has committed these acts, including in the presence of a Catholic marriage counselor. Basically he claims the wife is lying. Remorse/repentance/forgiveness are not at issue since
he will not acknowledge what he has done. In this example cited, assume that the acts of abuse are indeed occurring and that the wife is not lying. The couple have no children.

How should this be viewed theologically? Is it viewed just like any other sin? What does this mean for the marriage?

Morally, what is the wife supposed to do?

Many thanks in advance for any insight.
 
As a minister of marriage prep, we employ a tool called FOCCUS, which stands for Facillitating Open Couple Conversation and Understanding study. It uses a well rounded number of statements where couples complete a form based on whether they agree, disagree or are uncertain about the statement. The study includes a section on Violence. It is a way for couples to discuss and discern this area even before marriage. It has opened doors of conversation, and most times a strong referral is made to counselors before a marriage is even performed.
It seems more and more cohabitating couples who come to us for marriage are already experiencing this phenomena.
The bishop’s statement speaks the guidelines we use at our parish in handling suspected cases.
In all cases, we stress the safety of the those who are victims is uppermost in our ministry. We never mince words when it comes to these situations. It is an ongoing process for all those involved.

It is invaluable.
 
The value that domestic violence is not acceptable, maybe PART of the reason the divorce rate is high. I am not saying it’s the only reason people divorce but part of the reason.
 
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whitecoffee:
What is the Church’s view of a husband who repeatedly abuses his wife physically? In this example, the husband is a very committed Catholic with a strong background in moral theology. This husband persistently refuses to acknowledge that he has committed these acts, including in the presence of a Catholic marriage counselor. Basically he claims the wife is lying. Remorse/repentance/forgiveness are not at issue since he will not acknowledge what he has done.
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First of all you must protect yourself from physical harm. The fact that the husband thinks he is a committed Catholic is only relevant in that he attempting to use this charade to hide his sin, if he even realizes he’s doing them. He is not a committed Catholic if he is (knowingly) abusing his wife. It sounds like he has more problems than you will possibly find answers for here. Since he claims the wife is lying, the wife will have to produce proof, pictures, video, audio recordings, witnesses, something more than he said she said. Bruises are not sufficient proof in that they could be self inflicted. Does he admit the abuse to his wife in private? Or does he really think it isn’t happening? There are just too many questions that would have to be filled in here.
 
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Tom:
First of all you must protect yourself from physical harm. The fact that the husband thinks he is a committed Catholic is only relevant in that he attempting to use this charade to hide his sin, if he even realizes he’s doing them. He is not a committed Catholic if he is (knowingly) abusing his wife. It sounds like he has more problems than you will possibly find answers for here. Since he claims the wife is lying, the wife will have to produce proof, pictures, video, audio recordings, witnesses, something more than he said she said. Bruises are not sufficient proof in that they could be self inflicted. Does he admit the abuse to his wife in private? Or does he really think it isn’t happening? There are just too many questions that would have to be filled in here.
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Thank you all for your responses. The Bishop’s Statement is very interesting–I am very impressed with it.

In this instance, the husband will not admit to the abuse in private. He is a very intelligent and eduated man (a former missionary and seminarian) who in most other instances is extremely rational (i.e. can recall other incidents, even ones years ago, with a fair degree of accuracy like any “normal” person). In other words, I don’t have any evidence that he is suffering from some kind of mental incapacity that would enable him to block out his memory of these incidences (sp?).

I realize I will not find ultimate answers here and I appreciate the acknowledgement of that fact. I am trying to come to terms with this situation morally, spiritually, and theologically. The Bishops letter refers to counselling–while it has its place, I have serious reservations about the theoretical foundations of a lot of counseling including “Christian counselling” (see for example Seth Farber’s “Unholy Madness” for a thoughtful Christian perspective) and find it of limited value (“bad theology”) for a person of strong Christian beliefs. I am not knocking counselling categorically–just saying that it is not a pacanacea for–and cannot explain–complicated human relationships when considered from a moral and theological point of view.

It is very interesting to me that the Bishop’s Statement categorically rejects Couple Counseling–it is evidence, i’m afraid, of how fractured Church teaching is in terms of theory versus practice, that the couple in question was referred to a Catholic marriage counseling service for couples. The physical abuse was discussed by the wife at the first session and throughout the counseling, yet the counselor continued to treat them as a couple for several sessions. The situation got worse during the course of the counselling. When she finally “cut them loose” the Catholic counselor did nothing to help the woman–in fact she told her she didn’t know whether to believe her or the husband.

Many thanks again for your concern.
 
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whitecoffee:
This husband persistently refuses to acknowledge that he has committed these acts
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The only possible answer, other than serious mental disorder, is that he feels what he is doing is not abuse. I can relate to this, when I was first married my wife thought I was trying to kill her. I used to tickle her unmercifully, I thought it was playful, she thought I was trying to kill her by tickling her until she couldn’t breath. Once I realized her fear, we talked it out, I of course stopped tickling. If he denies the occurance of situations and acts, not that he feels they aren’t abusive, I could only conclude he indeed has a serious mental disorder. As the Bishops statement says “Typically, abusive men deny that the abuse is happening, or they minimize it. They often blame their abusive behavior on someone or something other than themselves. They tell their partner, “You made me do this.”
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whitecoffee:
In this instance, the husband will not admit to the abuse in private.
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Does he not remember the situation at all? Does he simply feel the wife is exaggerating? To deny they even occurred is not a healthy mental state.
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whitecoffee:
Morally, what is the wife supposed to do?
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Morally the wife must protect herself. To submit to abuse is in itself sinful. As I posted earlier, the wife would have to provide proof of the abuse. In the absence of proof it’s one’s word against the others. I would definitely not suggest subjecting oneself to additional abuse in order to obtain this proof however.
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whitecoffee:
I am trying to come to terms with this situation morally, spiritually, and theologically.
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Don’t try to over evaluate the situation. It is basic, don’t stay in an abusive situation. Think it out, make a plan and execute the plan.
Again I refer to the Bishops letter: REMEMBER: Some battered women run a high risk of being killed when they leave their abuser or seek help from the legal system. It is important to be honest with women about the risks involved. If a woman decides to leave, she needs to have a safety plan, including the names and phone numbers of shelters and programs. Some victims may choose to stay at this time because it seems safer. Ultimately, abused women must make their own decisions about staying or leaving.

You are in my prayers. My the peace and love of our Lord, Jesus the Christ, be with you.
Tom
 
Tom, many thanks for your words of kindness.

The wife in question did finally move out of her home a few months ago, however, she is still stricken with much heartbreak and confusion. What she has been experiencing doesn’t resemble anything taught about Christian marriage. She feels if she had been attacked by a stranger walking down the street or even by a burglar instead of her husband, she would be able to come to terms with what has happened. She thinks about the situation, and about him, a great deal. She is, and has been since college, a great fan of John Paul II’s teachings on marriage but does not recognize her situation in anything he describes.

Although a couple of the husband’s closest friends are priests, she does not think the husband would ever confide in them that he has this problem–in fact, I don’t think he even sees it as abuse. The wife doesn’t feel able to approach his family or friends (including the priests) to ask them to intervene to help him.

Again many thanks–your prayers are very much appreciated.
 
I can tell you first hand, morally and in Catholic doctrine, she does not have to endure anything that is abusive and detrimental/harmful to herself, she can seek an anullment and this is certanily one circumstance that would result in an annulment. She is being grieviously sinned against (this could also be classed as a mortal sin if all aspects are in place). He is obviously in so much denial about his acts he can’t even admit them to himself let alone anyone else, by the sound of it. He may even have convinced himself that she 'deserves it ’ or ‘she forces him into it’. If he won’t discuss it openly and at least try and resolve it then how does she expect to keep herself safe? She has a duty to herself and to God to keep herself safe.

It is not only a sin it is also a crime and if it would make him see the wrong he is doing she may consider reporting the matter to the police. If she truly wishes to stay with this man, they have to face this issue and fast before one day she is in hospital or even worse.

I will pray for her and for her husband.
God Bless you and much peace and love to you xxxxx
 
I wonder if this decree from The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops would be pertinent to a husband on the receiving end of physical abuse from his wife?
 
Leave him…What if you DID have children? Domestic violence does not stop at one. Even if you are not planning to have children. Please get help…Please talk to a priest by yourself…your husband may not allow it…If he doesn’t then leave him sooner. I know this subject well because I am involved with it for a living. There are many misconceptions along the lines of domestic violence and battery…for instance:" Men who hit their wives are violent and roudy outside the home." THIS IS NOT TRUE. The fact is that most men who hit their wives are very kind and gentle outside the home and are for the most part not insecure people. Rather they have an inflated sense of self worth and when they are confronted with a statement such as"You really hurt me" a man who abuses his wife will respond something like" Oh it hurts ME to do this…“I FEEL so bad”…They tend to bring the discussion back to themselves and THEIR pain. I have met women who were shot by their husbands and mothers who’s daughters will killed by ex-boyfriends. If you feel the need to justify your experience…like for instance…“oh it really wasn’t THAT bad…He merely pushed me.”.Please get help sooner. See a priest alone.
I will be thinking and praying for you.
God Bless and comfort you.
 
I found the comment that the counselor did not know who to believe to be very interesting.

The situation you describe sounds like one of the parties has at least a screw loose, if not missing. It is also interesting that most answers on this thread presume that it is the husband. I guess I would be more comfortable if there were at least other professionals involved; a doctor, another counselor, etc. to know who is, and is not, in denial.

But assuming that the husband is the prepetrator, either a civil separation (legal separation) or a divorce is appropriate. With no children, domestic violence is a threat to the safety and health of the victim. It ends up, eventually, all too often in murder, or murder/suicide, and is emotionally devastating to the victim, not to mention physically devastating.

With children, it becomes imerative that legal action be taken, for the children too are victims of the abuse. It is also statistically a fact that abuse breeds abuse; the children either learn to be abusive, or end up as victims in their own marriage. The sins of the father… is all too true.
 
What if a man is on the receiving of physical abuse? Does the same ruling apply?
 
The Bishops’ statement does address violence against men. It is a thoughtful piece and is easily read in its entirety. Here is the excerpt about violence in marriage against men:

*The Catholic Church teaches that violence against another person in any form fails to treat that person as someone worthy of love. Instead, it treats the person as an object to be used. When violence occurs within a sacramental marriage, the abused spouse may question, “How do these violent acts relate to my promise to take my spouse for better or for worse?” The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises. While violence can be directed towards men, it tends to harm women and children more. *
 

Finally, we emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment. An annulment, which determines that the marriage bond is not valid, can frequently open the door to healing.​

I suppose “…NO person…” should mean a male as well then.
 
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