The control freak

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laurenzia

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thanks to all who have been praying for me.
if you read either of my threads about the guy i am involved with this is the third part of the saga…

i realise that the relationship MUST end. but i dont know how to do it.
i have read a few websites about people who are codependent and addicted to love and traits of emotional abuse and this guy displays many of the ‘signs’ they say to look out for.

but i dont know how to go about ending this. as far as he knows, everything is rosy and we are seeing each other again in a month or so.
i posted him a letter and cd last week so that is yet to arrive and it also has my home address on it, which i am not that worried about but does make me a little insecure knowing now what i do.

do i start to be a bit more cool and let things wind down slowly over the next week or two? or is it better to just suddenly end it? should i give reasons? i dont want any form of retaliation so i dont want to leave him too emotional or whatever. what on earth do i say?

i also feel sorry for him and dont know if i should request that we totally end communication or if we keep the option up of staying in contact if he would prefer. i still care about him. i dont want to be in a relationship with him now but i dont want to totally cut him out of my life. it seems horrible to end things out of the blue, without giving any warning signs. i havent yet told him i am not coming back, so maybe i should just begin with that and take it from there?

please pray for me to do the right thing.
all i can think is thank goodness we are already physically apart and thank goodness he cannot afford to jump on a plane and try and ‘patch things up’.

advice and prayers please!
 
just end it. tell him its over, and cut your ties to him. do not write him, do
not call him, do not have physical contact with him. if you want it over, simply politely tell him its over, and cut your ties with him permanently. i have not
read your other posts, but Iam assuming by the title of the thread that this is someone you wish no further contact with, so cut it off right away, and do not
put off tomorrow what you can do today.
 
MyPhilomena said:
just end it. tell him its over, and cut your ties to him. do not write him, do
not call him, do not have physical contact with him. if you want it over, simply politely tell him its over, and cut your ties with him permanently. i have not
read your other posts, but Iam assuming by the title of the thread that this is someone you wish no further contact with, so cut it off right away, and do not
put off tomorrow what you can do today.
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👍 clean breaks are the best
 
I’m relieved to learn of your decision. I’m praising the Lord for blessing you with the wisdom and foresight to make this break!

In my experience, it’s usually best to sever all ties when breaking up with someone. This is even more important with someone like the man in question. We women would often be comfortable staying friends with a man after breaking up with him, but usually the man doesn’t cope well with that kind of friendship. The more you listen to him, the more vulnerable you are to guilty feelings or even caving in and taking him back. And the more he knows you’re emotionally available to him, the harder it is for him to recover and stand on his own two feet again (and the more draining it is for you). At best it’s a friendship in which one person has an ulterior motive that’s disagreeable to the other.

You’re going to have to be brave, but it’s best to do it right away. If there is going to be a big backlash, it will happen regardless of how you try to pace the breakup. You’re definitely in my prayers!
 
Hello…I will pray for you and let me just tell you a few things you should know when breaking up with him. To begin, it is very important to understand that you cant just be friends…although it seems at times like it might be possible, it would never work out. I know from experience that it is impossible for me to just be friends with a person who had broken up with me…For a few days or weeks after the break-up…it is normal to feel like “if only we could have just remained friends” Then one day you wake up and say" Yeah…I don’t think so" Be sure when you break-up with him you give him a solid, clear reason for it. It can drive a man crazy if he don’t fully understand “why” he is being dumped. If you make your point clear…I am sure he will deal with it alot better than if you just told him. “Sorry, it is just not working out” This is something people do in 9th grade…not in adult life…Be sure to cut all contact with him after dumping him…no letters, no phone calls…nothing… Godbless
 
I would be careful about giving too specific of a reason as to why you’re done. Some men feel compelled to launch an effort to fix whatever the reason is you’re done, not understanding that it’s maybe only a tip of the iceberg. Or they’ll try and debate with you why your reason isn’t good enough to end things, that you’re wrong in your perception of him, etc.

I would just say, I’ve enjoyed getting to know you and I appreciate the time we’ve spent together but my feelings have changed and I don’t want to continue.

When he says WHY, why why why etc…keep repeating the last part of it, “My feelings have changed.”

But why, I don’t understand, you were going to come see me, is there someone else, I don’t understand, WHY…

“My feelings have changed.” (Which is true. Regardless of any lingering lovey feelings you have for him, the feeling of wanting to be with him is different now.)

You should set the clear boundary before getting off the phone that you do not wish to remain in contact.

“As much as I will miss you, I think it’s best we don’t speak anymore. I think continuing to talk will only confuse matters and it’s best if we move on.”

Why why why don’t you want to be my friend, why won’t you talk to me, why I don’t understand…

“I think it’s best we don’t talk anymore.”

etc.

Good luck. I’ve read both your threads and I think you’re making a great choice.
 
Princess_Abby said:
I would be careful about giving too specific of a reason as to why you’re done. Some men feel compelled to launch an effort to fix whatever the reason is you’re done, not understanding that it’s maybe only a tip of the iceberg. Or they’ll try and debate with you why your reason isn’t good enough to end things, that you’re wrong in your perception of him, etc.
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Exactly what I was thinking. It’s seldom edifying to tell someone why you’re breaking up with him. It makes it appear as if you were open to a discussion you don’t really want. After all, if you thought he could understand and/or fix the problem easily, you wouldn’t be breaking up!
 
I cant believe that some of you are responding the way you are…As if the guy don’t deserve a reason…all the effort and all the emotions he has put into that woman does not mean anything??? and that her position and the ease at which she does this is all that matters?? What about the man’s feelings, despite the fact that he does not fit into your little circle of Normal or what you are looking for in a man…He is still human. I have heard warmer remarks and advice in “Atheist” forums!!! “IT’S SELDOMY EDIFYING TO TELL SOMEONE WHY YOU ARE BREAKING UP WITH THEM” Edifying…as if the reason you give him would be enlightling or to encourage his growth in a moral way ??..No, you are right JezuUfam tobie…it may not be EDIFYING!!! But it is the best, safest and HUMAN way to bring closure to this.Try and not forget that it’s not just the womans feeling that are involved…His feelings clearly matter…I am certain God cares about his feeling too!.. If she is worried that the guy might be still trying to find ways to talk or communicate or even resolve the issue of why she is breaking up…Then…dont answer the phone, dont return letters or mail…that seems to work very well…I know from Experience…Besides!!! Did you not read the post??..he is miles and miles away…it is safe to say he would not come looking for her to resolve this…if he does…he is a freak and not all together in his head…and it would not matter how she broke up with him…He would still continue being obsessed! And yes, JezuUfam tobie…even if she was or was not Edifying to him in the break-up!!! :cool:
 
You have made it very clear that you do not want this man in your life then let him go so that he can find somebody who will love him for himself not what he can give that person. This guy his struggling to make ends meat and having to support himself and his family. And life has not been easy for him. I did read your other threads and he is not for you. He is not what you want and it is not fair to lead him on be honest with him and tell him that things are not working out and that you guys both need to move on.

When you love somebody you love them for who they are not what you can give them. There are two people in a relationship not one he is not financially stable and it is not by choice. He has family to take care of that is why he is not fussy about where he works and it have nothing to do with education. You look down on him because he cannot give you what you want then why waste his time and yours. He sounds like a good guy and you are not even giving him a chance you say you are not materialistic but you are because you cannot go to nice places because of money, he will not be able to support you and a baby or get married and so on and so one. In your previous thread you said you loved but now you have changed your mind.

Sorry to ask this but do you know what you want. Would you rather be with somebody who has a good job can do all these nice things for you but have no feelings for him or he just does not match up. Sometimes in life you meet that special person who just does it for you but you don’t give it the chance because of maybe race, religion, money, status etc. Never judge a book by its cover how would you feel if somebody judged you and never gave you a chance because of 1,2,3. God sends us so many different people in our lives for different reasons. But our choice is what we do with it.
 
Thank You! I have been waiting hours to see if someone else would see the cold and indecicive remarks of this person and the remarks and letters that are posted by other forum memeber’s…One posting memeber …who is an obvious child and has little or no experience with Men, she thinks it best to just leave men with no reason told… I was hurt not to long ago…I fell in love with a woman, who was in some emotional war-fare with the demon of her bad past choices. I was under a microscope every second of our time together…She would try and see if I had “Characteristic’s of the monster” that she did not have the fortitude to forcast problems with. I fell in love with her (to my very deep regret now) I poured every ounce of life I had into her, Every second of my life and thought into her, I missed and re-scheduled my work around her to make her happy, I help to provide her with a sense of happiness and security in every way I knew how. I was totally aware that she was not interested in a “Intimate” relationship…she told me many time…She also said she had a great sense of character in others…but the last week we were together…I received several letters from her saying…" You deserve so much attention and I want to spend time with you alone" and a couple other letter of such non-sense. We went to the river one fine night, she told me…“That she had “NO” problems …what-so-ever with me…when I asked her, she was happy as I was. The next day…I was at Sausage fest with her…she was cold and un-communicative…24 hours later…she came to my house…Looked at me and said…“It is not working out” she promised me she would “Call” me and explain…she sent me an E-Mail…saying nothing except…I forced her to the “Admiration” she did not have for me…I have heard nothing else…except her remark” I will pray for you’ when my mother was laying…fighting for her life. I found that strange…I held her in my arms when she needed me, on more than one occation. I supported her on many different problems she had…I was willing to do anything for her…I did think a little later,after much though, that It may not have been me after all…I mean this woman was so mixed up…that she put her T.V. in her closet…because she did not wnat the “Evils’ of the world to inter her brain…Maybe, I saved myself from future pain…” I mean…WHAT IF OUR DAUGHTER TUIRNED OUT LIKE “CARRIE”…Lol.

I guess she was not ready or mature enough for that level of emotion…or maybe…she did’nt even care about me in any way after all…I will never know…

But I do know…that it is worth the time and effort to communicate like an adult and not like a child, as my friend did not do…most men will just say " O.K…it;s over…it hurts…but I can get through this…
 
laurenzia said:
i realise that the relationship MUST end. but i dont know how to do it. !
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slip out the back, Jack
make a new plan, Stan
no need to be coy, Roy
just get yourself free
hop on the bus, Gus
no need to discuss much
just drop of the key, Lee
and get yourself free

If you really cannot “end it” then you need help in understanding why you a clinging to a relationship that you perceive as harmful and dangerous. that should probably be professional help, not the kind we can offer here, as the rather flippant lyric for S&G suggests.

I think this is where the Victorians, and the whole world of formal etiquette that has disappeared, can help us. Check out the basic Jane Austen novel for the technique, Emma dismissing the unwanted proposal of the clergyman, or Elizabeth Bennet turning off her cousin. They recognized that, as honorable women, the attentions of a gentlemen were an honor, that etiquette demanded they attribute only good intentions and motives to his suit, and that he deserved an explanation of why his courtship was unwelcome. There were accepted ways and means of addressing one’s attentions, of accepting them, and of refusing them. By making those exchanges according to the rules of etiquette, one was saved from the agony of ad libbing and being misunderstood. The gentlemen were no less offended and unhappy, but at least they knew where they stood and were not left hanging.
 
I don’t have a problem with the fact that you questioned his financial stability. In the old days, men didn’t consider getting married until they were in a position to support a family. Thinking, “I’m not sure he could support me when I’m home with a baby” is NOT being a gold-digger. That’s just common sense.

I didn’t read all of your posts on the guy, but I’d say that you are 100% in your rights to not be OK with the fact that he’s upset about you staying at a hotel. If he doesn’t understand and respect that, then you’re setting yourself up for trouble.

Finally, I think maybe he moved too fast for you - declaring his love right away when you were still unsure. That is something that many people would find problematic. It comes across as pushy and needy, to me. It’s on the list of “red flags” for sure.

I do think that you should give some reason for why you want to break up. Giving NO reason for your abrupt change of mind/heart would be cruel. However, you don’t have to argue with him about it. Tell him what you think you can, “You’re moving too fast, the language barrier is a problem, I’m not sure you’re financially ready for marriage, and I am not willing to argue about chastity. I’m not in love with you and I don’t want to see you any more.” Then, expect him to argue with you. At that point, you are justified in just cutting off communication. Explain things until you’re tired of it and then just drop it.

He is going to be very hurt and upset. That’s a shame and I know you’ll feel bad, but that’s just life. You are not responsible for his feelings - all you can do is be decent and honest.
 
thank you everyone for all of your support and your various perspectives.

i phoned the man in question last night. we spoke for over an hour and i didnt have the heart to just end it. I realise now that i am going to have to be more blunt.

He knows I am not coming back to see him this year. I said I am not coming back for ATleast 6 months. I was hoping that he would say “ok, well i cant wait that long”. He didnt. He says he will wait for me.
I suggested we just stay in touch but date other people. He said he isnt interested in anyone else.
I made it clear I wasnt ending it to find someone else, because I am not. Its not about the money either, now I really look at things. He is too full on for me. He is manipulative and controlling- not in a vicious way but in a needy, insecure way and now i see that I know it has to end. Yes. I do care about him tremendously. I love him for who he is but I am not IN love with him.
I told him that I am confused and I dont know how I feel about him and that I need time to think. And that is how it has ended.

So. to those of you who arent fed up with this saga already- He is ok with the catholic morality issues (pre-marital sex, divorce, abortion, contraception- we sorted this out previously and some of this came up in the beginning anyway so I know he isnt just pretending to be agreeable}.
He knows that I am not coming back for atleast another 6 months.
He knows that my feelings for him are not as strong as his are for me.

I am devestated that I care so much about someone who is just not good for me- how do you break up with someone you actually have feelings for? In the past, I have always felt happy to end things and never speak to them again but this time it is totally different.

So. I will wait a few days. I dont actually have a reason to give to him to explain the break up. If I say I dont ever want to go back overseas I am sure he will say he will move to where I am. He is currently learning English- and I didnt ask him to do that. and I am NOT going to tell him what I really think-ie - i think you are emotionally unstable and i dont like how your insecurities make me feel unconfortable and i think you are obsessed rather than in love- so what reason do i give? simply that i am not prepared to work on a long distance relationship for another 6 months?

He has been so much in his life already and I dont want to add to that hurt. GUYS! Is there a way I can help him to see that he doesnt actually want to be with ME? Somehow let it be HIS idea to end things? Now he knows that we are apart for 6 months more I dont see the harm in spending 2-3 weeks slowing down and ending things more gently.

i would greatly appreciate more thoughts on this, though i know it must seem clear cut to many of you, for me it is much more confusing. i even started thinking that maybe i should work on the relationship and see if things improve?
 
Do this poor guy a favour and dump him; tell him he deserves better… because it sounds like he does. Your use of cliche relationship-related terms, your indecisive attitude, and the lack of capitalization and apostrophes in everything you write tell me you’re nowhere near ready for an actual relationship with a man. And on top of all this, you actually started seeing anybody but a devout Catholic.

Stop screwing around with his heart like he’s the Barbie doll you just stopped playing with! Dump him hard and cold, like a steel knife to the heart. Finish it now. As for method? I like the Pride & Prejudice approach. It’s how I’d want to be let down.
 
First and most important…I want all the heartless and InHuman people to be careful of how they talk and address Laurenzia, I know that most of you feminist ladies like the world to revolve around you and that your own sour and depraved sense of normal has deranged the way you are giving advice and care for a broken heart…but people…CANT YOU READ her sarrow and how this whole situation is breaking her heart. To begin…this is complex…the basic of this is that he is Obsessed with her (That might be the only way he knows how to show his love…perhaps he thinks, if he treats her less than perfect, he fears he will lose her) and there is no doubt, that Laurenzia does NOT love this joker…but she is ultra careful and has a sense of his feelings and how her actions might make him feel + she does have feelings for him as well, but not love. I know it is easy for some of you self-centered heartless Mommy’s to judge and give advise to someone…not based on there situation…but on how you did not have the fortitude to pick and choose the last animal that ripped your life apart…but lets face it Mommy’s…its not practical advice…it just shows how you have been influenced by the **** you excepted and loved in your past relationships…“Dont take it out on the innocent” The advice given to this woman in this forum from most of you has made me PUKE!!!

Laurenzia…There is no doubt that you have feelings for this man. He is probably obsessed with you…I would not drag this out…Be swift and quick in the break-up…Infact, now that you have made an attempt to tell him what you are thinking (By the way…Good job, I know it was not easy to say what you did…it sounds like you did very well) just send him one final letter, I would take the advice of “Myphilomena” Tell him you are not good enough for him…tell him that he deserves a woman who can satisfy his demanding need for close-ness. Tell him that long distance realtionships never work out and tell him you dont LOVE him anymore… Just remember sweetie, that there will be pain and hurt for the both of you…but it has tobe done…it has tobe ended…because you dont love him…You wont grow to love him…it will just get more complicated…

You are being very strong through all of this, I know it is hair-pulling tough at times…but remember…If you dont love him…let him go. It is better to end it and suffer only for a few day, than to drag it out and suffer for weeks…You dont deserve that…end it, but do it fast. You should never try and make it work or try and love someone…just because he says he loves you…It has to be a mutual spark…and love on both sides…

Godbless you!
Jeff
 
NOTICE:

Please keep the charity of your posts at an appropriate level, or this thread will be closed and conduct action may be taken.

Mane Nobiscum Domine,
Ferdinand Mary
 
Oh no!! not that…you might have to pull the thread! That was actually my last post on this web-site …ever! I said what I needed to say, and I am sure the person it is meant for will read it.

Take care!
 
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