The Great Debate

[sullivansoul]

Hello all,
perhaps you could help my fiancee and I with a little problem we’ve been having. We’re trying to figure out exactly what roles we should each play in our marriage. Of course I will be the husband, and she will be the wife, haha, BUT what does that mean practically?

What should I expect of myself and should she be able to expect of me? And vice versa. Both of us come from broken families and so our parents (my mom and her dad) have had to do everything and perform every role. As a result, this is kind of difficult.

I have no idea (or at least a good idea) of what a husband should be like…and she feels the same about wifehood. We are also getting conflicting information from various sources, all of which are not practicing Catholics. Any ideas?

HELP!!

Pax Christi

 

[eoff]

There is a really good program called Engaged Encounter which might be just what you’re looking for. Call your chancery and see what is available nearby.

 

[sullivansoul]

I checked out the website (good link by the way:thumbsup: ) but nothing is offered up here in Canada. We will be doing a weekend retreat through our parish (not sure of the name though) but it is probably something similar. Our questions are I think a bit more specific. For instance, how does a couple approach the roles within marriage. Do we base it on what we like to do? Or do we split things straight down the middle? How have others dealt wtih these issues? Do those of you who have wives just expected that they would do certain things? Have wives approached their marriages the same way?

Praying for an answer,
Catholic in Canada

 

[CnDWelch]

Each couple is a little different, but I think you have to find out what each of you likes to do, and come to mutual agreement on the rest. Be sure you share the burdens with her along with the joys. Pray together every day, and always remember to tell her how much you love her. You can never say it too much.

I wish you all the best.
Dave

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Sounds like you need some role models. In some churches in my area, the pre-cana programs involve one already married couple educating, encouraging questions from, and “mentoring” the engaged couple. If this is not formal in your church, is there a way you could informally try to get to know some experienced couples? I have learned so much from the example of other good men and women of faith. There are books about marriage out there that may help you sort these things out, but there’s nothing like the real thing.

We took a required compatability “test” with our diocese when we were engaged. The purpose was to clarify our expectations and start discussions with each other. The concept of learning how to communicate is probably more important that the specifics of how you divide duties. If you each separately determine what your expectations are, then come together and share this, you will be able to work out an initial plan. They key would be to periodically check in on your plan and revise as necessary. In engaged encounter, we would take a specific question (like the one you just posed). Then we’d go to our separate corners and write for a few minutes on what we hoped for/expected/ worried about etc. We’d come together, read our essays to each other, and discuss. You might want to do this after you’re married to work out the kinks in this issue (plus all the other issues that will come up )

Take heart, and don’t expect it to work out perfectly right away. You’ll have plenty of time to find out what works and doesn’t work for your relationship. God bless.

 

[T.A.Stobie_SFO]

Create a list of all the responsibilities you have. This should include not only household, but supporting each other as well.

You need to look at each of your strengths and flaws.

Any area that one is lacking and the other is strong is very easy to allocate - My wife & I are that way on finances - She has little financial skill, while I am good handling money; so I handle all the finances and make financial decisions taking into account her (name removed by moderator)ut.

Areas were you both are weak at, you need to work on together - helpfully having two of you will help you avoid the mistakes that one or the other might fall into.

Now consider the remaining areas and the remaining time left. Spread it to balance both time and enjoyability.

 

[sullivansoul]

I agree we do need rolemodels. In fact we have tried this out a few times, that is, getting into discussions with Catholic couples who we know have been together a long time. Only problem is, is that it doesn’t take very long for us to see that they are not very loyal to the magisterium and its teachings. Should we let this get in the way of them mentoring us? We just don’t feel right about it. After all, if we can’t trust them on issues such as contraception, then how can we trust them on anything?

As for dividing chores we have talked somewhat about this. But as one person brought up (a friend of ours I think) there will be many times when we both do not want to do something, or at least , we think its the other’s job to do it. For example, if i have been cooking for 4 years, can I just one day say that i am sick of it? Is that fair to her? I’m sure there are tasks that she is absolutely sick of, but she would do them out of love. This marriage stuff is complicated!! :whacky:

 

[jc413]

Good questions! I am heading off to bed shortly, so I am going to keep this short – we just got our latest copy of “This Rock” (in case anyone isn’t familiar, it’s the fantastic magazine associated with this forum’s apostolate) and there is a wonderful article in this month’s issue on this very topic. I highly recommend you try to get a copy!