The lesser of two evils?

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Digit1059

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I’ve commited a mortal sin and I simply can’t bring myself to confess it… I’ve tried three times and it always ends up in me just leaving… and this leads me to a crossroads.

I greatly regret doing what I’ve done but there’s no taking it back. I’d do it if I could, but I know that I’ll never do it again. The problem with this is it’s lead me to lying and even missing church, and now i’m starting to feel bitter about the whole thing. This is the worst possible scenario, and I know the alternative is bad, but, is it better than just starting to pull away from the church as a whole?

Forgetting it ever happened, this whole thing, just forgetting it - Pray to God for forgiviness, say the devine mercy, and going to church as in nothing ever happened. I know this isn’t good, and I know it’s protestant, and I know it’s overall a horrible decision… But, is it better to me than just leaving the Church?

I know the best thing I can do is confession, but for the past two weeks this is how it gone.
  1. Monday - Feeling Guilty, Says that I will go to confession and has every single fiber of being telling myself I’ll do it.
  2. Saturday (The one day a week we have confession) - Goes to church, about to get in confessional and collapses and just leave’s.
  3. Sunday - Doesn’t go to church out of guilt
  4. Monday again - Feels even WORSE and doesn’t know what to do…
I know I should keep trying but each week I feel more like just giving up… I don’t know.

Advice?
 
With each week that goes by, you become drained of grace and strength. Confession seems increasingly impossible for you. The devil almost has you.

Is eternity without God worth it compared to keeping that “dark” secret? Remember, the priests have heard EVERYTHING. You have nothing to say that will make them do more than blink.

Go to another priest or church if you want. Basically, get over it.
 
Go to Confession. Better yet make an appointment with your priest at a time outside of regular confession.
 
Digit1059 said:
I’ve commited a mortal sin and I simply can’t bring myself to confess it… I’ve tried three times and it always ends up in me just leaving… and this leads me to a crossroads.

I greatly regret doing what I’ve done but there’s no taking it back. I’d do it if I could, but I know that I’ll never do it again. The problem with this is it’s lead me to lying and even missing church, and now i’m starting to feel bitter about the whole thing. This is the worst possible scenario, and I know the alternative is bad, but, is it better than just starting to pull away from the church as a whole?

Forgetting it ever happened, this whole thing, just forgetting it - Pray to God for forgiviness, say the devine mercy, and going to church as in nothing ever happened. I know this isn’t good, and I know it’s protestant, and I know it’s overall a horrible decision… But, is it better to me than just leaving the Church?

I know the best thing I can do is confession, but for the past two weeks this is how it gone.
  1. Monday - Feeling Guilty, Says that I will go to confession and has every single fiber of being telling myself I’ll do it.
  2. Saturday (The one day a week we have confession) - Goes to church, about to get in confessional and collapses and just leave’s.
  3. Sunday - Doesn’t go to church out of guilt
  4. Monday again - Feels even WORSE and doesn’t know what to do…
I know I should keep trying but each week I feel more like just giving up… I don’t know.

Advice?/QUOTE

What you’re doing by trying to avoid or ignore this is to make it worse. If you get a splinter in your hand, and you pull it out right away, it really does hurt a lot, because the tissue is raw, you’re bleeding, you’re in pain and trying to work through the pain.

BUT. … if you say, “I can’t take this splinter out now. I’ll wait until I’m calmer and it hurts less. .” .the thing is, it doesn’t hurt less. Because the longer that splinter stays in, the more likely it is that you get an infection that makes the pain even worse.

In this human life in fact you can get so sick from an infected splinter which you simply can’t face the pain of removal from that you could even die.

In spiritual life, you can get so wounded from the pain of mortal sin that is unconfessed and unforgiven that you spiritually die. . .forever.

In this human life, if you wait and wait and then get the splinter out, you’ll recover but it might take time especially if you’ve really gotten a bad infection.

BUT in spiritual life, even if your soul is foul, festering and dead from days, weeks, months and years of mortal sin, the second you confess your soul is cured, clean, living, and pain-free. Imagine.

You don’t want to put yourself through agony when (unlike the human pain) your spiritual pain can be relieved and you can be restored and healed even when you’ve compounded your sins. There is NOTHING that God will not forgive if you repent.

What you are talking about is not the lesser of two evils but rather ignoring one evil and hoping it somehow goes away without your having to do anything about it. IOW, you’re talking about COMPOUNDING evil. Not a good thing.

I am sure that I and anybody who reads your post will pray extra hard for you to take the brave step of confession which I know you really want to do though you are afraid. Don’t be afraid (as John Paul II once said.) Trust in God. You’re not alone. You are not the baddest sinner in the universe and God loves you. Love Him back.
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I don’t think you’re merely feeling guilt. I think you’re feeling shame.

Guilt feelings say “repent”, but shame says “what kind of a person does a thing like that?” Shame is from the devil. It keeps us from looking for mercy. It keeps us from believing that mercy is even appropriate.

Try going somewhere else, in another town, if you have to. Whatever it takes. Just keep trying. If you don’t go to confession, though, at least assist at Mass on Sunday. You still have that obligation, God still deserves your worship and the rest of the Church still deserve to have you join us in prayer and thanksgiving, and even if you don’t go to Holy Communion, going to Mass will still do you good, because you still need it, too. It may even be what gets you into the confessional.
 
I had these fears when I returned to the Church after an extended absence. I even spoke with the priest about it, and he assured me that:
  1. there is almost nothing I could have done under canon law that he did not have the authority to absolve.
  2. he has not heard anything new in a confessional since 6 months after his ordination
What causes me to identify with your feelings is what happened to me AFTER my confession (which was very “routine” by the way, in spite of all of my apprehensions). I was reconciled to the Church, and was able to receive the Eucharist. I couldn’t go! I could not bring myself to get up and go receive Holy Communion! I was terrified that somehow I had screwed something up and my absolution was not valid, or that the priest saying mass (whom I had talked to about my coming back to the Church) would deem me unworthy to receive and deny me the sacrament.

It was at that very moment, in the middle of communion, that Satan became real to me. There was only one thing standing between me and Jesus, and it was the devil himself. That realization forced me to get up, circle around the back of the pews and take my place in the back of the line, but I went up and received.

If you think about it objectively, confession is actually very easy. You can receive absolution from any priest, and most parishes hold the sacrament at least once a week. You could go to a parish where the priest has never met you, and kneel behind the curtain so that he would never even see your face. This entire burden would be lifted from you in (potentially) less than 2 minutes. The sacrament of reconciliation can restore you to Grace, and your post makes it apparent that you know that and accept that. There is only one thing in the universe that wants to prevent it-Satan himself. I would go so far as to say that the confessional is the only thing right now that will release you from Satan’s grasp on your soul.
 
I was where you are a few years ago - many resolutions to attend confession, many half-hearted confessions where I just couldn’t confess the mortal sin I committed, then feeling despair that I would never be able to confess it and may as well resign myself to going to hell. I was petrified - it actually took me 2 confessions in the end to get it out of my system. Here is a link to my journey on these forums:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=358379

However if that link doesn’t work just go to my profile and look at my thread entitled “too embarrassed to confess”. I strongly advise you to because the advice I got was absolutely brilliant, and I was equally paralyed with fear as you are now.
 
Maybe just go to confession tell priest everything you"ve said here. Let him go from there.
I had to confess sexual sin and couldn’t bring myself to say it. I told him there was something I needed to confess but couldn’t say it. He went through an examination of conscience and asked if I had used my sexuality in an impure manner. I said yes. He didn’t ask for the details- which was my worst fear and made it so difficult to confess. then he went on and then asked if there was anything else.

“Anything Else!!” my mind screamed. I thought that was soooo terrible I couldn’t be forgiven I thought that was everything. But what really WAS everything is that I was extremely contrite and Jesus couldn’t wait to forgive me.
 
Digit1059 said:
I’ve commited a mortal sin and I simply can’t bring myself to confess it… I’ve tried three times and it always ends up in me just leaving… and this leads me to a crossroads.

I greatly regret doing what I’ve done but there’s no taking it back. I’d do it if I could, but I know that I’ll never do it again. The problem with this is it’s lead me to lying and even missing church, and now i’m starting to feel bitter about the whole thing. This is the worst possible scenario, and I know the alternative is bad, but, is it better than just starting to pull away from the church as a whole?

Forgetting it ever happened, this whole thing, just forgetting it - Pray to God for forgiviness, say the devine mercy, and going to church as in nothing ever happened. I know this isn’t good, and I know it’s protestant, and I know it’s overall a horrible decision… But, is it better to me than just leaving the Church?

I know the best thing I can do is confession, but for the past two weeks this is how it gone.
  1. Monday - Feeling Guilty, Says that I will go to confession and has every single fiber of being telling myself I’ll do it.
  2. Saturday (The one day a week we have confession) - Goes to church, about to get in confessional and collapses and just leave’s.
  3. Sunday - Doesn’t go to church out of guilt
  4. Monday again - Feels even WORSE and doesn’t know what to do…
I know I should keep trying but each week I feel more like just giving up… I don’t know.

Advice?
Click to expand...
Dear Digit,
I am not one to condemn and I certainly have no room to criticize another for sin. Mortal or otherwise. I have struggled with the issue of forgiveness and shame just the same. There are a couple of questions that you might ask yourself rather than the ones you are asking.

1.) Is it pride that keeps me from confession? Rather than ask yourself what kind of person would commit such an awful sin ask yourself what is in my heart that keeps me from Christ Jesus? How do I see Him?

2.) Do I really believe in His Devine Mercy? Did He really mean it when He said to the Pharisees that He desired mercy rather than sacrifice and that he came to call sinners and not the righteous?

One thing that will be most helpful for you in your struggle is to read and meditate on the four gospels before a crucifix while paying particular attention to the character and passion of our Blessed Lord Jesus. Both scripture and the crucifix reveal the heart of God more than anything else in our tradition. May you grow in faith which means BELIEVE in Him, TRUST in Him, and remain LOYAL to Him. The medicine is bitter but it heals completely.
 
Are you embarrassed the priest is going to judge you? If so, know that he won’t. He hasn’t heard anything new in the confessional since the first six months of being a priest. Second, go to a priest who doesn’t speak your language and confess it to him. I confessed to a Japanese priest yesterday in English. He nodded and then gave me absolution. It’s valid!
 
A couple of years ago my father went to Confession. He hadn’t been in almost 40 years. He was terribly afraid. Afraid he would forget something. Afraid he would “burn the priest’s ears.”

I was there, at the hospital visiting when the priest came for the appointment. Of course, I left. But I saw the priest afterward. He looked perfectly normal. His ears were intact. He wasn’t shell shocked. He was fine.

I said something to my father after. My Dad told me, you know you were right. “He has heard it all before.”
 
You have something festering inside you, and it has to come out in order for you to heal. If it does not come out, you will die. It is poisoning you, even now. If you go to a “doctor” who says otherwise, that doctor is an utter quack. If you are trying to be your own physician, well, you know what that says about the wisdom of both the doctor and the patient in that case. Quack, quack, quack, my friend.

You are not going to leave the Church. You are going to defeat the devil’s lies to you, you are going to realize that people confess mortal sins every day, that instead of the sky opening and lightning striking, all of Heaven does a dance, and you are going to confess this sin. Of course it is ugly–it is a sin! Some scribes who were Pharisees saw that he was eating with sinners and tax collectors and said to his disciples, “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?” Jesus heard this and said to them, "Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. I did not come to call the righteous but sinners." Mark 2:16-17

You are going to go to confession, and when you do the angels will rejoice. As for your confessor, being asked to help release people from the burden of their sins is one of the great rewards and privileges of the priesthood! Please, why do you think men give up wife and family to be priests! They do it to save souls!!

“What man among you having a hundred sheep and losing one of them would not leave the ninety-nine in the desert and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he does find it, he sets it on his shoulders with great joy and, upon his arrival home, he calls together his friends and neighbors and says to them, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you, in just the same way there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who have no need of repentance.” Luke 15:4-7

The Lord is calling you by name, to bind you up and carry you back! Go out to meet Him! You can do it!! 👍
 
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