The marriage failed (Terminology)

[Lara]

I’m curious if anybody else here is bothered by this phrasing. We use a similar phrasing when talking about a car accident. Instead of saying Bob failed to yield on a left turn and his car hit Joe’s car, the newspapers will say, “The car, which was headed west, was hit by a car coming from the north.”

Now in the case of marriage, either person is responsible for the marriage failing, or both people are responsible for the marriage failing. Under what conditions could this be otherwise?

I think if one person got a stroke or Alzheimer’s, one might say the marriage ended, but even then it’s the healthy person ending it. Perhaps if both people were brain dead, one could say the marriage ended. But even then, it goes on until they’re both in the ground.

So essentially, shouldn’t society eschew this terminology and start placing the fault on both partners rather than on the marriage?

 

[TheLittleLady]

I think if one person got a stroke or Alzheimer’s, one might say the marriage ended, but even then it’s the healthy person ending it.

First thing, marriage is in sickness and health, so, strokes and dementia do not end a valid marriage.

About the terminology, people do not want to cast blame nor do they usually want to take blame “I failed at marriage”.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Having a failed marriage is already hard enough on the two people involved without phrasing it as “the two people in the marriage failed at it.”

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Since almost no one intends for a marriage to dissolve, when one does, it is similar to an accident I that it is unintended. I’ve no issue with the term “failed marriage”.

Solo car crashes described as “failed to negotiate” bug me. Failed to negotiate with who? Physics?

 

[thistle]

I’m curious if anybody else here is bothered by this phrasing. We use a similar phrasing when talking about a car accident. Instead of saying Bob failed to yield on a left turn and his car hit Joe’s car, the newspapers will say, “The car, which was headed west, was hit by a car coming from the north.”

Now in the case of marriage, either person is responsible for the marriage failing, or both people are responsible for the marriage failing. Under what conditions could this be otherwise?

I think if one person got a stroke or Alzheimer’s, one might say the marriage ended, but even then it’s the healthy person ending it. Perhaps if both people were brain dead, one could say the marriage ended. But even then, it goes on until they’re both in the ground.

So essentially, shouldn’t society eschew this terminology and start placing the fault on both partners rather than on the marriage?

No, that does not bother me. It is simply an expression. You are making too much of it.

 

[Greenfields]

When you are actually in a marriage and it hasn’t worked out ,it kind of does hurt to hear it phrased as a failed marriage especially if one half has put their everything into it.
One has to be in that situation to know how it feels.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

It is interesting that these phrases are becoming more prevalent in English when the very construction of our language usually orients us more towards intentionality and blame compared to some others.

The part about blame stars at the 9:05 mark, but the whole thing is super interesting and worth a watch.

Lera Boroditsky: How language shapes the way we think | TED Talk

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Haven’t watched the video yet, but one important thing is the distinction between the offical/academic vs casual usage of language. In academic English (as used when writing papers for class) the passive tense is a scourge. Outside the classroom this rule is often ignored.

 

[Lou2U]

I don’t think the terminology should be discouraged. Why should the world know why a marriage ended?

I find that often the phrase is used to be polite and when people don’t want to go into details. That doesn’t necessarily mean people don’t know they’re at fault.