The Most Important and Most Difficult Decision of My Life

[vmfedor]

Greetings everyone,

We can all agree that we are called to follow God’s will, not our own. However, sometimes we cover our eyes and refuse to see it, and once we get used to covering our eyes we forget that it’s a bad habit in the first place! That’s what has happened to me… I’m so lost in my own maze of confused truth and self-doubt that I need some advice. I’m posting this here because these problems are deeply personal and the anonymity of the internet makes it easier for me to tell the truth and get to the point. This is complicated but I’ll try to be as simple as possible.

I have come to the most important crossroad in my life, the discernment of my vocation. Instead of choosing a fork, however, I have been standing here for a long time. The situation is that I feel the fire of faith within me and my thoughts are constantly drawn towards the priesthood but at the same time I have the love of my life who it would devastate to hear goodbye. This is not a new problem, I’m sure you’ve all heard it before. But the solution is made muddy by a few things.

A little more than a year ago I was a self-proclaimed atheist and proud of it but God gave me a vision. I mean that literally, not in a vague spiritual sense. Regardless of whether or not you believe me, my life has been taken a significantly different course since then. A series of “coincidences” led me to the Catholic Church and I took my first Communion on the Feast of Guadalupe last year. It has, and continues to be, a very rocky road. This was not a “total conversion” where I suddenly had all the conviction to renounce my former ways on the spot (but that probably never happens anyway).

I met my girlfriend 5 years ago and at the time she was a good girl raised in a devoutly Catholic family, although she was 18 and having doubts about her faith. I was her first boyfriend and I swooped in with my atheism and stole her away from the Church. She still believes in some sort of God but now her faith is twisted and scattered and she no longer has the desire to attend Mass. If I ask her to come with me she tells me, flat out, “No.” She says that she changed once for me and she doesn’t want to change again. In short, I feel almost completely responsible for her falling away. My conversion has added a lot of stress to our relationship.

In addition I have made terrible decisions in the past that are affecting me still: Student loans and no college degree to show for them, horrible credit score because of multiple small debts, and a long-time addiction to marijuana and masturbation that stain my soul. Right now I work a minimum-wage job and live at home. The good news is that I’m making progress cleaning up my money problems and the Lord is helping me to grow up a bit at a time in those other areas.

There is a recurring idea in my mind that I should be a priest. Usually it’s a whisper and sometimes it’s a shout but it’s always there. I have been shown the Way through Jesus Christ and he is waiting for me to choose my Sacrament: Matrimony or Holy Orders. I cannot proceed without choosing. When I ask myself what the most useful and important profession is to all of mankind, I answer without hesitation, “priest.” If it were simple I would simply say “Thy Will be Done,” get myself straight, and head to the nearest seminary. But I’m blinding myself to his Will and I need help choosing.

Is it His will that I leave my girlfriend after coming into her life and setting her on a path for certain damnation? My love for her is true and I only desire her happiness and salvation. I feel that if I leave her she will go to someone that has more agnostic tendencies and continue down her path. At the same time I know that perhaps I will be more helpful as a priest than as a husband. I am trying to leave my selfish desires out of this because my will isn’t important… but my decision is. My heart is being pulled in half and I can see the merit in either decision. Should I devote myself in Matrimony to my true love in hopes of saving her soul and leading her back to the Truth? Or should I simply say “Thy Will be Done” and have faith that as a priest I could help not only her but many others come back to Christ?

Forgive me for being long-winded, I tried to be as a simple as possible. This is my dilemma, can anyone shed some light?

God Bless, and thank you for reading.

 

[the_phoenix]

From today’s Liturgy of the Hours:

universalis.com/-400/today.htm

Mid-morning reading (Terce) Ezekiel 33:10 - 11 ©
Our sins and crimes weigh heavily on us; we are wasting away because of them. How are we to go on living? As I live – it is the Lord who speaks – I take pleasure, not in the death of a wicked man, but in the turning back of a wicked man who changes his ways to win life.

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Noon reading (Sext) Jeremiah 18:20 ©
Remember how I stood in your presence to plead on their behalf, to turn your wrath away from them.

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Afternoon reading (None) Jeremiah 31:2 - 4 ©
The Lord says this: They have found pardon in the wilderness, those who have survived the sword. Israel is marching to his rest. I have loved you with an everlasting love, so I am constant in my affection for you. I build you once more; you shall be rebuilt, virgin of Israel.

---

 

[lakeview]

There is a recurring idea in my mind that I should be a priest. Usually it’s a whisper and sometimes it’s a shout but it’s always there. I have been shown the Way through Jesus Christ and he is waiting for me to choose my Sacrament: Matrimony or Holy Orders. I cannot proceed without choosing.

At a discernment weekend I attended a few years ago, one pre-seminarian gave me this good piece of advice, “It’s not a race.” You may have to choose soon, but don’t rush it. “For the vision still has its time…If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late.” (Habakkuk 2:3)

When I ask myself what the most useful and important profession is to all of mankind, I answer without hesitation, “priest.” If it were simple I would simply say “Thy Will be Done,” get myself straight, and head to the nearest seminary. But I’m blinding myself to his Will and I need help choosing.

As you are probably well aware, the priesthood is *not *a profession, but a calling; it is not something you choose as useful and important, rather God chooses you to be a servant, to be unimportant in the eyes of the world.

Should I devote myself in Matrimony to my true love in hopes of saving her soul and leading her back to the Truth? Or should I simply say “Thy Will be Done” and have faith that as a priest I could help not only her but many others come back to Christ?

Her soul is in God’s hand, as is yours. “The Priest Is Not His Own” as Archbishop Sheen says. I know that it may be easier to post here right now, but you will need to talk to someone in person.

You didn’t mention if you have a spiritual director. I recommend that you find one. At least talk to your parish priest and see who he recommends. When you find a spiritual director, talk things over with him. Leave nothing out. If he thinks you should continue to discern a calling to the priesthood, then talk to a vocations director. Listen to what they say. If you want to be a priest, it is important that you entrust yourself to the Church and her process for discernment and spiritual growth. After all one of the vows is obedience! It is not your decision alone to be a priest anymore than to get married. In both cases, you have to ask another person; you have to take the chance of being told “No” or “Not yet” or “Wait” or, greatest risk of all, “Yes.”

As a wise priest once told me, you have to trust the process. To do that, you have to submit yourself to God through other people. It’s incarnational and sacramental.

 

[chicago]

I’d echo the recommendation to find spiritual direction.

Honestly, it sounds like you are early on in your neophyte state as a new convert young in the faith. As such, the toil you are dealing with is not uncommon and understandable. But, it would also seem like you probably have a good deal of personal issues to sort out before trying to commit either to seminary (which might not even take you in at this point) or marriage. Focus on that, first, and see where God leads in time.

 

[lakeview]

Honestly, it sounds like you are early on in your neophyte state as a new convert young in the faith.

This reminds me of something I forgot to mention. I was a cradle Catholic who left the Church for a time. I came back in 2004. When I spoke to the vocations director, I had been back for about a year and a half. He told me that they like for converts to wait a few years before continuing the vocation process. He applied that to me even though I was not a new convert. The idea is to have some time to get used to being a Catholic. So be active in your parish; be a lector, EMHC, work with the poor, etc. Learn how to pray. Receive the sacraments regularly, esp, Penance. Conversion is continual.