The motherstorm has landed again

[holyrood]

It’s just hard to judge because it seems like my parents are upset at me all the time, and that I’m always getting blamed for stuff. So this just seemed like more of the same.

These words jumped out to me. Sounds like the very definition of an adult child of an alcoholic–although those characteristics apply to those who grew up in other dysfunctional households, too. I spent much of my life feeling like this, feeling I was constantly being blamed, and being told no, you’re imagining things, quit playing the victim.

Have you considered looking into a group like al-anon? Even if your parents aren’t alcoholic? I originally went because of issues with my (ex-) husband, who, although he never drank at all, was raised by a father who was an alcoholic, and actually tested on psychological tests with the same profile an alcoholic would show. (I mean, my ex husband did, although he never drank at all.) I found a lot of help there, and given how you’re feeling and what you’re describing, I think you might, too.

 

[EasterJoy]

These words jumped out to me. Sounds like the very definition of an adult child of an alcoholic–although those characteristics apply to those who grew up in other dysfunctional households, too. I spent much of my life feeling like this, feeling I was constantly being blamed, and being told no, you’re imagining things, quit playing the victim.

Have you considered looking into a group like al-anon? Even if your parents aren’t alcoholic? I originally went because of issues with my (ex-) husband, who, although he never drank at all, was raised by a father who was an alcoholic, and actually tested on psychological tests with the same profile an alcoholic would show. (I mean, my ex husband did, although he never drank at all.) I found a lot of help there, and given how you’re feeling and what you’re describing, I think you might, too.

I have become convinced that the general population uses the same unhealthy strategies to cope that addicts and those who are trying to control someone else’s alcoholism use. This goes double for co-dependents, because they are trying to control a situation that is beyond their control or at least beyond their legitimate authority to control. The literature for addicts and co-dependents is full of teaching about what sustainable boundaries are–what is your business and what is not your business, what is the business of others and what is not theirs to control–and how to enforce good boundaries with a minimum of drama and a maximum of serenity.

Robert Frost wrote that “good fences make good neighbors.” There is more to that than we often suppose, especially when it comes to the command to love our neighbors as ourselves!

 

[Luvz2travel]

This is admittedly more of a frustrated rant than anything else:

My relationship with my mother hasn’t been the best to begin with. She also seems stubbornly unaware of this fact, or at least of her behavior in it - to the point of suggesting, in one case, that I should talk to a therapist about why her criticism bothers me so much that I asked her to stop.

Well I had some other stuff come up that necessitated me working over Christmas break. This means I’m not going to have a chance to come home over Christmas, much as I had wanted to. I just called and told my parents

I was under the impression that they were going to call me before buying tickets for me to fly home. They hadn’t. They thought I’d given permission to do that. Ok, it happens. But I’m still not coming home - sorry, but finishing my degree IS worth a couple of hundred dollars, and I can’t afford to lose more time.

The trouble isn’t the mixup. The trouble is my mother is, of course, furious. My reasons that I gave (people around, shifting schedules, unfamiliar location, no library) for not being able to just do my work at home are “nonsense.” I’m just changing my mind randomly and I need to make decisions and stick with them. And I’m obviously lying about thinking they were going to contact me first.

They said they’d think about it and call me back. I’m not quite sure what they’re thinking about. I’m just sitting here knowing the phone’s going to ring and I’m going to get blasted for my decision. And I’m not sure how to respond to someone who thinks my every reason is nonsense and expects that I will justify myself to her satisfaction. Especially when many of the real answers can’t be said…

Let your mom rant and rave then calmly say “Mom I appreciate how you feel and but I’m an adult now and have to make the decisions I feel are best for me and my future. Right now that means dedicating my efforts to graduating” somthing alone those lines maybe offer to come when it’s more convenient such during the spring break or summer. Tell her it’s just temperary but don’t let her bully you.

 

[EasterJoy]

Let your mom rant and rave then calmly say “Mom I appreciate how you feel and but I’m an adult now and have to make the decisions I feel are best for me and my future. Right now that means dedicating my efforts to graduating” somthing alone those lines maybe offer to come when it’s more convenient such during the spring break or summer. Tell her it’s just temperary but don’t let her bully you.

The idea–what you are thinking when you say it–are spot on, but I’d not be so direct. Adults do not have to tell other people directly that they are adults. They act like adults, they make their own decisions, and they let the others in their life catch on to that. Other adults do not need a picture drawn with crayons.

"Oh, wow, Mom, I had no idea. Of course you’re unhappy; I would be, too! What a bummer! I did not know you were going to buy that ticket without telling me; you’ve never done that before! Well, yes, normally I’d want all the time up there I could get, what with what tickets cost and everything, I can see why you might gamble on that, but I have commitments on this end. That’s why I gave you the window I did; it was already as big as I can possibly make it. Did you think I was shorting you?

“Well, some other people might do it differently, yes, but I’ve set my course and I’m sticking to it. No, we are not going over my whole schedule, Mom, and I’m not cancelling anything with anyone. You’re just going to have to believe me; I gave you the window I have. Yes, Mom, but children get funny that way once we get into graduate school. It’s this other phase I’m going through. OK, maybe that wasn’t funny, but Mom, you do have to trust that I know what I’m doing here. No, really, you’re going to have to trust me. Well, OK, don’t trust me, but I won’t be at the airport that day. It cannot happen, no can do…well, I’m sorry this is upsetting, but I’ve told you where I am. That’s all I can do, we’re going to have to live with it…”

 

[DarkLight]

The idea–what you are thinking when you say it–are spot on, but I’d not be so direct. Adults do not have to tell other people directly that they are adults. They act like adults, they make their own decisions, and they let the others in their life catch on to that. Other adults do not need a picture drawn with crayons.

"Oh, wow, Mom, I had no idea. Of course you’re unhappy; I would be, too! What a bummer! I did not know you were going to buy that ticket without telling me; you’ve never done that before! Well, yes, normally I’d want all the time up there I could get, what with what tickets cost and everything, I can see why you might gamble on that, but I have commitments on this end. That’s why I gave you the window I did; it was already as big as I can possibly make it. Did you think I was shorting you?

“Well, some other people might do it differently, yes, but I’ve set my course and I’m sticking to it. No, we are not going over my whole schedule, Mom, and I’m not cancelling anything with anyone. You’re just going to have to believe me; I gave you the window I have. Yes, Mom, but children get funny that way once we get into graduate school. It’s this other phase I’m going through. OK, maybe that wasn’t funny, but Mom, you do have to trust that I know what I’m doing here. No, really, you’re going to have to trust me. Well, OK, don’t trust me, but I won’t be at the airport that day. It cannot happen, no can do…well, I’m sorry this is upsetting, but I’ve told you where I am. That’s all I can do, we’re going to have to live with it…”

The funny thing was, when I talked to them, they couldn’t recall me saying anything about not being available that day, or about the time limit. My father at least admitted that he could see how my words could be interpreted to mean contact me beforehand; he thought I was saying “get the tickets and then contact me to let me know.”

It’s just weird.

 

[holyrood]

The funny thing was, when I talked to them, they couldn’t recall me saying anything about not being available that day, or about the time limit. My father at least admitted that he could see how my words could be interpreted to mean contact me beforehand; he thought I was saying “get the tickets and then contact me to let me know.”

It’s just weird.

I hate to be cynical…but I’ve had far too many experiences with people who hear or remember what they want to hear. I’m not even saying such people are lying. I think they often really do process what was said as they want it to be. But it doesn’t ultimately excuse buying a ticket you didn’t ask them to buy and then trying to guilt you into using it.

I think the advice to send it all in writing is excellent.

 

[EasterJoy]

The funny thing was, when I talked to them, they couldn’t recall me saying anything about not being available that day, or about the time limit. My father at least admitted that he could see how my words could be interpreted to mean contact me beforehand; he thought I was saying “get the tickets and then contact me to let me know.”

It’s just weird.

No one is saying that you asked them to buy a ticket without talking to you about it, as talking about it had been their habit, and no one is saying that you warned them not to buy a ticket without talking to you. Perhaps there was just a fuzzy area. There is no point in getting into the blame game about whose fault it is that this mistake was made.

We have a joking saying at our house about this kind of interchange:* The most first and most important response to any crisis is to correctly assign blame*. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. The first thing to do is to take care of the crisis, doing what can be done to amend the situation, and then later when things have calmed down look into what can be done to prevent a repeat. It is rarely necessary to blame anyone or to put the fault on one head. The more that can be avoided, the better. Instead, highlight the good intentions, express regret that things did not turn out as well as anyone would like, reassure everyone that you know that there was no ill intent, and then look into the other ways to reach a situation that is the most agreeable to everyone in the future.

IOW, blame serves no purpose. Sow forgiveness and reassurance, and concentrate on preventing a repeat. Once you stop blaming and concentrate on the positive ways to respond to the problem, others tend to do the same. That is the ticket.

If they do not stop blaming, that does not mean you have to either accept the blame or that you must offer a defense that appeases them. Instead, take the tack that you are there to respond to any problems, whether they are your fault or not. Look at past actions in order to improve, but not to beat yourself up. All God wants when you examine yourself is contrition, amendment, and a willingness to forgive others their wrongs as you hope to be forgiven for yours. Heaven is pleased by humility, but is not pleased by self-flagellation.

 

[maryjk]

That does make sense somewhat. It’s hard for me to judge what’s normal sometimes. I get them being upset at buying the ticket - **but at the same time I don’t really want to be blamed for it. ** That much sounds like a genuine misunderstanding, which is unfortunate but not necessarily anyone’s fault. I assumed they hadn’t contacted me because stuff was up in the air on their end, because I thought they were going to contact me as soon as they’d figured out other plans. I shouldn’t have assumed, but I had no reason to suspect prior to discovering the purchase that they were going to do that. And I didn’t want to upset my parents with a “maybe” that turned out to not happen - I honestly believed that I could make it up until the beginning of this past weekend.

It’s just hard to judge because it seems like my parents are upset at me all the time, and that I’m always getting blamed for stuff. So this just seemed like more of the same.

The funny thing was, when I talked to them, they couldn’t recall me saying anything about not being available that day, or about the time limit. My father at least admitted that he could see how my words could be interpreted to mean contact me beforehand; he thought I was saying “get the tickets and then contact me to let me know.”

It’s just weird.

No one is saying that you asked them to buy a ticket without talking to you about it, as talking about it had been their habit, and no one is saying that you warned them not to buy a ticket without talking to you. Perhaps there was just a fuzzy area. There is no point in getting into the blame game about whose fault it is that this mistake was made.

We have a joking saying at our house about this kind of interchange:* The most first and most important response to any crisis is to correctly assign blame*. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. The first thing to do is to take care of the crisis, doing what can be done to amend the situation, and then later when things have calmed down look into what can be done to prevent a repeat. It is rarely necessary to blame anyone or to put the fault on one head. The more that can be avoided, the better. Instead, highlight the good intentions, express regret that things did not turn out as well as anyone would like, reassure everyone that you know that there was no ill intent, and then look into the other ways to reach a situation that is the most agreeable to everyone in the future.

IOW, blame serves no purpose. Sow forgiveness and reassurance, and concentrate on preventing a repeat. Once you stop blaming and concentrate on the positive ways to respond to the problem, others tend to do the same. That is the ticket.

Exactly EasterJoy.

Blame isn’t important. Better communication is.

So stop worrying about who to blame and start working on how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

(Back to a boss story.)
I had a wonderful boss. He would always say, “I don’t care who is to blame. I just want to fix it so it doesn’t happen again.”

 

[EasterJoy]

I had a wonderful boss. He would always say, “I don’t care who is to blame. I just want to fix it so it doesn’t happen again.”

Exactly. The idea isn’t to find someone to blame when a plane crashes. The idea is for everyone to do whatever they can do to prevent every crash that can be prevented and to learn from every crash in order to always improve safety and awareness. That is a very good model for most of the rest of life, too. (The only qualification being that some mistakes aren’t worth quite so much effort to prevent…a certain level of imperfection is inevitable.)