The ugly person I become

[rayne89]

I know if someone else came on the forum and repeatedly discussed the kind of issues I have with my mom I would tell them to cut off contact. There is no other long term solution but I know I won’t. My sister died of cancer when she was 21 and I was 13, I am my parents only living child. My dad said my mom has always has “episodes” but I never noticed any until my sister got sick and when she died it was full on mental breakdown for nearly two years straight and then for the years after that until I moved out there would be short periods of peace and then back to crazy. I married at 18, I loved my husband dearly, I also needed desperately to get out of the house.

The same day I posted this I did end up going over to her house to bring her the book. While we were arguing on the phone I orginally told her I wasn’t going to come and then the pity party water works started. So I warned her (my daughter who is 17 was coming along) that if she starts anything in front of my daughter I will turn around and leave. I was very firm. She said she didn’t need a warning blah blah blah…I told her well you accused me of treating you like a dog that last time I walked out when we got in a fight so now I am warning you if you start anything nasty or negative we are leaving.

It went fine and we didn’t stay long. The thing with Paranoid Personality disorder is PPD’s use all there energy presenting a normal picture to the outside world. She can somewhat control it for a time especially in public situations (although when its a really bad episode…not so much). She knows when it comes to my daughter I absolutely draw a line -no manipulation, no amount of guilting will change my mind. So it went fine. We didn’t stay long. That is they key. The more time together the higher the risk.

 

[rayne89]

I worked yesterday until 2:30 and offered to pick her up for Mass on the way. I work not far from where she lives. (Saturday 4pm because I have to work again today so I was going to the vigil Mass.) I made sure I got there in just enough time for her to get ready and go. Mass was fine, I requested from the ushers these hearing devices hooked to our sound system for those that are hard of hearing (which my mother is) we sat together. I helped keep her place in the missal, and find the songs to sing. She was smiling and happy…and normal.

This is the part that makes it so hard to cut off contact. Because when she’s not acting crazy there a good memories. Then crazy comes along again and it sucks the life out of me. Its hard to reconcile. I am very thankful for the support, prayers and understanding. I’m sure I’ll be back again for support. I’m taking her to get her hair done on Tues. I’d appreciate prayers for a good day. I know I don’t have to live this way, that I am choosing this. But for now its the only choice I feel I can handle with a good conscience.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

She knows when it comes to my daughter I absolutely draw a line -no manipulation, no amount of guilting will change my mind. So it went fine. We didn’t stay long. That is they key. The more time together the higher the risk.

If you can draw a line with your daughter, you can draw the line with yourself too. You are worth it too! Furthermore, if she is capable of respecting that boundary when you do “absolutely draw the line - no manipulation, no amount of guilting will change my mind” for your daughter, then she should be capable of doing so whenever you choose to absolutely draw the line.

 

[rayne89]

If you can draw a line with your daughter, you can draw the line with yourself too. You are worth it too! Furthermore, if she is capable of respecting that boundary when you do “absolutely draw the line - no manipulation, no amount of guilting will change my mind” for your daughter, then she should be capable of doing so whenever you choose to absolutely draw the line.

Its hard to explain with logic why it doesn’t work with me. Metal illness is illogical. And part of it is my own doing too. She could cross that line when it comes to my daughter and in rare moments she has and I do immediately react because I will absolutely 100% protect my daughter from what I was/am subjected to. I can say “this behavior is inappropriate in front of my daughter and I will not tolerate it” and she will listen the majority of the time. (And if she doesn’t I immediately react.)

I can not say “this behavior is inappropriate in front of me”, well I could (and have) but it doesn’t compute to her. I am my daughter’s mom and I get to make the decisions about my daughter, my mom gets that. In my case she is the mom and I am the daughter so it is not the same. Even though I am 41, I am her daughter and its my duty to listen (according to her mind). Of course I could just walk out every time, I could choose that. I know what happens when she feels abandoned she will spiral out of control and then my dad gets to deal with her. He has high blood pressure, is over weight a perfect candidate for a heart attack or stroke -and he’s 81. When you are the only child, the only other family besides my dad -its kind of a dance. (Everyone else is out of state) Its not fun - its the way I’ve lived for a very long time.

I’ve realized this can’t be fixed. For those who mentioned speaking to my priest. He is well aware. In fact my mom spent over an hour talking with him a little over a month ago (I am trying to get her back to confession its been a really long time). And we had a really bad 4th of July so I sent him a long email. He tells me when I have enough, just tell my mom I’ve had enough and leave. Like I said I do good for a long time and then I get sucked in again and all the bad memories flood back.

 

[the_phoenix]

After the death of my grandparents and father,
I gave my mother and siblings a chance …
for over a year …
things got much worse instead of better,
since my grandparents and father had protected me while they were alive,
merely by their presence, but without the watchful eyes of those who dearly loved me,
the behavior of the rest quickly deteriorated.
So I had to cut contact.
And I’m a single woman, never married.
I basically now no longer have a family.
Such is life.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Its hard to explain with logic why it doesn’t work with me. Metal illness is illogical. And part of it is my own doing too.

Right, I don’t actually think it is mental illness. I experience this with boundaries with my parents (and there isn’t mental illness involved, just annoying “stuff”), and I think others do too. As your parent, her relationship with you started without any boundaries, and you are right that it is also your doing, in that she has experienced crossing YOUR boundaries to be acceptable long past the time you wanted her too.

She could cross that line when it comes to my daughter and in rare moments she has and I do immediately react because I will absolutely 100% protect my daughter from what I was/am subjected to. I can say “this behavior is inappropriate in front of my daughter and I will not tolerate it” and she will listen the majority of the time. (And if she doesn’t I immediately react.)

You get to the heart of it here. It is not HER that controls the dynamic, but your reaction or lack of reaction. And your choice to tolerate or not tolerate it, to leave or not leave.

Of course I could just walk out every time, I could choose that. I know what happens when she feels abandoned she will spiral out of control and then my dad gets to deal with her. He has high blood pressure, is over weight a perfect candidate for a heart attack or stroke -and he’s 81. When you are the only child, the only other family besides my dad -its kind of a dance. (Everyone else is out of state) Its not fun - its the way I’ve lived for a very long time.

I’ve realized this can’t be fixed.

I hear ya. You are choosing what you see as the lesser of two evils at this point. I can’t blame you for that. Will pray for you.

 

[acadiANNA]

My mother and father moved in with my family after my father’s stroke. Mom stayed on after his death 6 years later. Mom loved to tell me what to do and how to do it. I figured out that this was her way of thinking she was helping me. I decided I didn’t want any banter and I wanted to get along with her. By the grace of God, I was patient. Twice I sat down and said,“Mom, I have to get this gift and I am going to the mall.” So she was ok and I tried not to be away too long to have her worry. Other times I would confirm her feelings by saying, “Oh, you feel that I should start dinner now? OK, I’ll get it started in about an hour after I finish this.” Confirming your mom’s feelings, you could just say, “I’m sorry you were angry about that.” Or, “Oh you think Betty was out of line about that?” Or sometimes just say, “It’s OK.” Or you could kindly say,“Mom, let’s talk about something else.” While sometimes it is necessary to cut all contact, I would have to give it one more try. If what you have been doing isn’t working, try something else. Can you take her out to dinner sometime? She may enjoy that. Your mom seems like a needy person or dependent who just wants to have someone around. A lot of time on her hands will cause her to dwell on situations and make them bigger than they are. I would like to see you as a comforter–even though she may not be able to comfort you—it’s worth being on good terms while you’re together in the world. My mom and I didn’t get along very well when I was a teen and I prayed that we would have a caring and loving relationship and we did. That is what I wanted. You may need a little time to step back from the situation. Pray to the Blessed Virgin Mary who’s mother St. Anne nurtured her and in turn she loved and nurtured our Lord, Jesus. I will keep you in my prayers that you and your mom will find a middle ground and that the peace of Christ will flourish between you.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

OP,

I admire you for handling the situation the way you are. And well done for protecting your daughter I understand what you mean that it is different with you. It is. Your relationship has been a certain way your whole life and it is not reasonable to expect that you can change that.

I think that your mother is too old to change, but you can definitely change something about the way you deal with her assaults. I like the idea that you hang up the phone or leave her house the moment she starts with nonsense. You’ll get a hang of it after you do it a few times. It will make you feel more in control. This might not change your relationship and set the boundaries in an ideal way, but it is a way to cope with her behaviour for now.

I just want to add that I am another one who has cut off contact with a parent. But it was a different situation from yours. My father was still young (late 50s) and in good health and had a young wife to take care of him. He didn’t need me in that sense. I just reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore and like another poster above, I simply never phoned him again after an awful scene he made. That was all. No drama from me, no more arguing, no threats. I just disappeared. I had had enough. And he never called me either, not even when he found out I had a baby. I guess some people live in their own little worlds where they are the star of the show and everyone else - including their children - are just extras and technical support. (He is a narcissist.) I hate this situation and it makes me sad. I’d never recommend it to anyone. But such is life. We deal with things the way we can and hope for the best. But that said, it is for the best that we don’t speak. The man is a vampire without mercy. I don’t really want to go back to that.

Praying for you.

 

[SamH]

This seems to be a good method to use. DH has a…let’s say…challenging mother. He says he does what charity requires of him as a son, but he will not be sucked into the games. When she gets out of line he says “Bye for now.” She doesn’t pull so much nonsense anymore since he started doing this. I’ll say a prayer that things improve.

Agreed. My wife’s mother tries this a lot - she was shocked the first time I stood up and and said “Kids let’s go” and we walked out (the issue is an older sister). My wife was fine with it - she could blame me for leaving and told her mom that’s just how it would be from now on. My wife finds lots of excuses not to visit her without me.

 

[AmeliaJoanna]

My tack with a family member like this to say, “Yep. You’re right. I’m awful. I must be the worst person you know. Your life would be perfect without me. I don’t know how you can stand to be around me. It must be terrible for you.”

That is perfect - takes the wind right out of their argument.

I feel for you as I have a parent who has BPD traits/behaviours. BPDCentral is a really good resource. There are yahoo support groups that you can join.

 

[constantconvert]

You’ve already gotten a lot of good advice here. I will just add that it is
so very easy to get sucked in, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Try to detach when you can. Al-anon is a good place to get support from other people who have crazy families, even if they’re not alcoholics.

 

[acadiANNA]

I am not for the idea of hanging up on people ‘point blank’. I would say, “I have to go now.” or, “I am hanging up now, will talk to you later.” Then hang up. A direct hang up to me seems rude and it is like stinging the other person. I wouldn’t want to do that even if justified. Does that make sense?