Things are not fun anymore and I need advice

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AlwaysChatholic

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I hate to be repetitious but I am having a difficult time coping with my father in law. It not his fault it’s his age. He is mad all the time. My husband and I are the care givers. He has been fighting for a long time refusing to move into a better neighborhood with us. We are in the process of trying to clean up both our old houses sell. They are located in the bad neighborhood. So we moved to a nice neighborhood. But my father in law is refusing to sell his old house. My kids and I have moved into the new house and my husband is at the old house fixing things to sell both my in laws and our houses. My in laws were supposed to live at the new house but the have only stayed 3 days here and there because dad is not happy. No matter what I do to make him comfortable he is still not satisfied. I have cooked delicious meals for them. Soon as he comes to the new house he wants t ok move back to the old place. Last time they came to the new house dad was so miserable that mom had to take him back to the old house. Two days ago on their way to the new house mom got lost. Dad has the internet service at the old house and he orders stuff online and can’t remember what he ordered until my husband saw the unpaid bill. My mother in law can’t even go the bathroom or leave the room when he is talking and he gets upset. He cannot be left alone. My husband is exhausted maintaining 3 houses. He has to mow the lawn at the new house and both our old houses until we sell them. Exept dad doesn’t want to sell his old house. My husband has to get up real early and go to work then come home empty out and clean both the old houses and come to the new house to unload the old stuff. Dad is suspicious when he stays overnight at the new house. He things my husband is going to turn his old house upside down and he is doing things behind his back. Then he things the concrete is going to sink in and the house is going to flood. No matter how much I tell him that I love him he is still mad. My husband couldn’t take if anymore after things got worse last week so he said that my in laws were moving to the new place permanently and not going back to the old house anymore. So last night dad got really upset and wanted to leave and walk over to the old house. I don’t know what else to do anymore. They cannot go to a nursing home. We need to take care of them.
 
Because the nursing home he wants to move is 2 hours away from us. When I called the nursing home they said we cannot go inside the nursing home to visit only out side social distancing and only a matter of life and death situation my husband can go inside the facility. And my in laws would have to wear an ankle bracelet and my mother in laws driver’s license will be taken away and the cost will be 10 thousand dollars per month not including meals and other services. My husband has a brother who is lives not too far from the new house but he is not much of a help. Although he might come to visit today. But his wife doesn’t like him helping his parents. My hubby’s other siblings live out of state and one came to help with the move and the other one is coming end of this month. But my hubby’s sister discouraged my father in law from moving to the new place by sending him an email saying he didn’t have to move if he didn’t want to and he didn’t have to sell his house if he didn’t want to and no one should pressure him into selling his house. They are in their mid to late 80’s and can’t take care of them selves anymore.
 
How much would in-home care cost? Even part-time care might alleviate the burden. It sounds like your FIL is experiencing mild dementia, and if he hasn’t been taken to the doctor for evaluation of his cognitive functioning that needs to happen YESTERDAY. For yourself, try very hard not to take anything he says personally, and realize that neither you nor your husband are responsible for his continuous happiness. You and your husband and your mother-in-law are going to have to make the decisions that are in everyone’s best interests, even if they make your FIL “miserable.”
 
I will ask this again. Does your husband have power of attorney and have your in laws had recent checkups specifically looking for dementia or Alzheimer’s?

You are correct, they cannot live alone. Your husband (God bless him for all he does) cannot do it all. He needs to speak to someone about how to have the power legally to sell his dads house and have him move to the new house.

I know this is difficult, ( we have been through similar) but he has to do it by the book. And your in laws cannot live at the old house. It needs to be made clear to your FIL that he has two choices : move to the other house with his wife, or go into a nursing home nearby. 2 hours away is not an option as it is too far for you to keep an eye on him.

Your husband needs to tell his sister to butt out unless she wants all of the responsibility for their parents.

It sounds like maybe your MIL needs to stop driving if she is getting lost.
 
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My husband has the power of attorney but dad wants to take him out because he is paranoid and suspicious of my husband. I have 2 take care of my kids and one is going back to school and the other one is online school full time. I am not sure how I am going to manage taking care of kids and in laws. I am praying hard.
 
And the check ups? Your husband should talk to his parent’s doctor(s.) Suggest they get tested for memory loss or dementia.
 
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AlwaysChatholic said:
my hubby’s sister discouraged my father in law from moving to the new place by sending him an email saying he didn’t have to move if he didn’t want to and he didn’t have to sell his house if he didn’t want to and no one should pressure him into selling his house.
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So when is your husband’s sister moving in with her parents? If she’s going to say that, she needs to back it up.
 
Dementia or beginning Alzheimer’s… that’s what I was immediately thought as well. My grandmother lived alone and was perfectly mentally competent and fine up until she passed in her mid-90’s. My FIL is currently in his 90’s and also physically and mentally healthy - lives alone on the farm. Yet, I watched my Uncle get Alzheimer’s and turned the corner to paranoid, suspicious, angry, verbally abusive and confused… it’s not just the ‘age’ of being in their mid-80’s. It’s… something else.
 
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She will never move in with my in laws. We live in Midwest and they live in Oregon and their dream is to move to California by the beach. No they won’t lift a finger to help.
 
Not surprising. I’ve seen that situation play out many times (not in my family, thankfully). Talk is cheap, but actions are not.
 
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