Think I might possibly have a calling to religious life

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Phoebe

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Hi all,
A little background to begin. I’m in my late 30s, cradle catholic. Up to my early 20s I was pretty devout with a good prayer life, went to weekly mass etc. For many reasons I fell away from the church and my life was very secular. I was still drawn to spirituality and I looked into other practices and religions - protestant and eastern religions and some new age stuff. It was never enough. I always felt like something was missing, I was always searching. Anyway, a few years ago I began a slow journey back to the Catholic Church and I finally realised that everything I was missing was right there with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament of the Eucharist.

Last year I started to take my faith more seriously and began reading the Bible again. This led to a lot more catholic reading and I ended up reading about religious life. Around Christmas last year I was reading about the daily life of a cloistered religious community and I got a very strong sense that this was the life I was supposed to live. I got such a shock that I immediately shut the laptop and walked away from it. I had never even for a moment considered religious life. At that point I put it completely out of my mind and told myself I was being crazy. And that was that for a few months.

Then the lock-downs happened and as I live alone I had plenty of time to myself. I used this time to deepen my prayer life and read the gospels and new testament again. A couple of months into lock-down I again ended up looking at religious communities. There was one religious community that I was drawn to look at again and again and I felt a strong sense this was where I was supposed to be. I remembered the feeling I had at Christmas and this time I thought about it a little. Over the months after that I’ve prayed more about it. I’ve even prayed a 54-day rosary novena for what my vocation should be and the only answer I seem to hear from God is the word PRAY which I continue to do. The more I think and pray about it now the more I feel that perhaps this is what God wants for me and the idea of living a life centred around prayer, the Eucharist and Adoration while living in community is appealing to me more and more in a way I never considered before.

So I guess what I’m asking, for those of you who might know more than me… Does this sound like I have a calling? Would my time away from the church mean I’m not eligible? Do you have any advice? Are there any books you would suggest I read? Videos/podcasts etc that I should check out, especially to do with cloistered religious life?

I’m not quite at the stage where I’m ready to make contact with the monastery yet as this idea is still very new to me. I will contact them at some point in the near future though. I know it’s very much a two-way street. One of my reservations is that I have quite elderly parents who although they live a few hours away still very much rely on me. I organise their shopping deliveries etc at this time and if needed I can travel there. There are so many thoughts going through my head at the moment!

Thanks for reading, especially if you’ve made it this far. Please pray for me and I will pray for all who read this. 🙏
 
Just one quick suggestion. You are in your late thirties. If you are interested in joining a monastery don’t wait too long to start the discernment process. Most orders have age limits (several around 35-40 yo) May God bless you and guide you.
 
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Yes I have noticed that. The monastery I’m looking at seem to take older vocations as they have a novice who looks to be older than me at the moment. I won’t leave it too long though. I just don’t want to do anything in a rush or impulsively either. Thanks for replying.
 
Are you an only child or do you have siblings who could care for your parents if you entered a religious order?

The time you spent away from the Church shouldn’t hurt your chances of being accepted into an order provided you have been back in the Church for a few years and are going to Mass regularly, etc.

Do you have a spiritual director?
 
I have one sibling but he doesn’t live anywhere near my parents. It’s mostly been just me if they need anything. This is what concerns me the most. Thankfully both are in good health.

Yes I’m back in the church fully now. I don’t have a spiritual director but would like to. I’m not quite sure how to get one though as they seem pretty unheard of where I am. Thanks for replying.
 
I would recommend getting in touch with the vocation director of the community you’re thinking of, ASAP.

They can help you identify next steps. These next steps may involve specific reading and prayer suggestions, but they also may be more concrete and external than you’re thinking. While prayer is important, it must accompany concrete exploratory actions (like visits, trying out the life in practice for a while, actually meeting the real people involved, etc).

One next step will almost certainly be to get a spiritual director. You could ask your local priest if he has any good ideas of someone who may be able to assist you in this capacity.
 
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Thanks for those suggestions. I will try to speak to my priest about a spiritual director.

I do want to make contact with the vocations director in the monastery. I just wanted to be as sure as I could be on my side first. I wouldn’t want to waste their time if I wasn’t pretty certain, as much as is possible right now.
 
Phoebe said:
I just wanted to be as sure as I could be on my side first. I wouldn’t want to waste their time if I wasn’t pretty certain, as much as is possible right now.
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I honestly hear this… and still think you should email them ASAP anyway. 🙂

You are not wasting their time.

I mean this with love: Trying to become any degree of “certain”, before actually talking to a community, is like trying to become “certain” you want to marry a specific man – before you’ve ever even spoken to that man. You need to make contact. Go on some dates. There’s so much raw data that will be necessary for your discernment and prayer, that you won’t even begin to have until you’ve actually brought the other people into the conversation with you.

It’s okay to not know where you’re at yet. That kind of openness-but-uncertainty is what most communities expect from people beginning vocational discernment. In my experience, communities have told me they’re more worried about the women who show up already ‘convinced’ they have a specific calling. The community often has to pump the brakes on that one.

Right now, you have little to no raw material to discern with. You have your imagination conjuring up what you think monastic life could be like… but the concrete reality in almost any monastery will be different from whatever we imagine. Monasteries are homes lived in by specific people with specific personalities. It’s not just the walls and the schedule and what they say the goal of their life is on paper – real people live out those schedules. There’s a different tone and atmosphere in every community I’ve personally visited. Some factors carry over (like the sense of peace and balance brought by a community living according to an horarium), but there are also many differences. There’s no substitute for actually meeting a community and going through the process they recommend – whatever they recommend.

Who knows, maybe they’ll recommend you just do more prayer anyway. But maybe they’ll suggest something else. Either way, I see no harm* in letting them know they’re on your radar, and asking them if they have any recommendations about how to proceed with discernment.

*No harm except… this is one area where a trustworthy spiritual director is so helpful. It is apparently sometimes the case that a given community might be eager to tell every woman that she has a vocation with them. That’s a danger sign. Most good communities should want to help you discern whatever God is specifically calling you to – even if it’s away from that community. A spiritual director can help you reflect on your discernment journey from the outside, without any biases or limitations of vision that only have one outcome in mind, if you see what I mean.
 
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PS I should clarify, this is advice I’ve personally received in my own discernment journey, and it’s held true. Discernment requires data. We must take concrete steps to gather that data. Meeting a community should happen sooner rather than later. It’s still years away from any permanent commitment, even if discernment moves in that direction. But especially if it’s a “No,” it’s better to learn that sooner rather than later so we can move on to discerning with the next community (or etc).
 
Phoebe said:
I do want to make contact with the vocations director in the monastery. I just wanted to be as sure as I could be on my side first. I wouldn’t want to waste their time if I wasn’t pretty certain, as much as is possible right now.
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There comes a point where you need to just do it - call / email / whatever. It’s never a waste of time from their point of view - as you said earlier, it’s a two way street. This is particularly important with monastic communities since monasticism traditionally involves stability - basically staying with the same community for life. That may or may not apply with your order but nonetheless, from what you’ve described, it sounds like the community aspect of the life is going to be more to the fore than it would be in other orders. So it’s important for you to visit the community and to see if it feels like a good fit for you.

As far as your family goes, it depends how cloistered your particular community is - at the more extreme end of things, your ability to vist and assist your parents would be limited at best.
 
As you said in your original post, discernment is a two-way street. Any vocation director acting responsibly wants seekers to find the path best for them–which may or may not be in their community. You are not wasting her time; this is her ministry.

Discernment takes time if it is done properly. I don’t mean years, but time. If this is something you are thinking seriously about, you will not be making even a preliminary decision about anything for awhile. Some communities have periods of aspirancy or candidacy before even entering as a postulant. The entire formation process takes anywhere from 5 years to a decade, depending on the community. You will not be “sure” if you have a vocation until you complete the formation process and take final vows, so not being certain now is not only normal, it’s to be expected. Blessings to you.
 
I hear all that you’re saying and you’re completely right. I’ve been working this all out in my head and not really doing anything. I need to get out of my head and take the first step to see if there’s anything to this. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, you’ve been really helpful 🙂
 
Thanks for replying! Yes, I’m beginning to see that I need to take the first steps now and see what happens. It’s been really helpful to get feedback from here as I don’t have any catholic friends really who would understand this. Most of them have left the faith a long time ago and would think I was crazy if they knew what I was thinking right now.
 
I think that’s what I was afraid of - that I would make contact and all of a sudden be rushed into making a decision that I’m not completely ready to make. Thanks for your reply, you’ve eased those worries somewhat now!
 
God bless you, sister!

I relate to what you’re saying. I think it’s pretty normal for many of us at the beginning of our conscious discernment journey.

I’m happy to share things I’ve learned along my own journey. Feel free to post more on these boards (or PM me!) with further thoughts or questions as your journey continues.
 
In response to your fear about being “rushed into” something. If the community comes across as unduly pressuring you, that may be a red flag. The process should be deliberative and, ideally, rather contemplative.
 
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