Thinking somebody is "cute"

[Kathrin]

What do you do if you have a thought that you find somebody nice/cute/good-looking but that person is already married with children?

Is just a fleeting thought of attraction in any way already a sin?

Kathrin

 

[RobertLGarrett]

What do you do if you have a thought that you find somebody nice/cute/good-looking but that person is already married with children?

Is just a fleeting thought of attraction in any way already a sin?

Kathrin

Nope. Recognizing beauty is not a sin. Fantasizing about or coveting that person is a sin. If the thought, “wow, he/she’s cute” turns into a thought like “I would like to…” then you are into sin territory.

 

[Kathrin]

Ok, that makes sense .

No, I wouldn’t “like to”. I am very happy for that nice, young family, they are wonderful people.

 

[thistle]

What do you do if you have a thought that you find somebody nice/cute/good-looking but that person is already married with children?

Is just a fleeting thought of attraction in any way already a sin?

Kathrin

In my younger days I once called a girl cute and she told me not to use that word. When I asked her why she said cute means ugly but nice!

 

[chevalier]

In my younger days I once called a girl cute and she told me not to use that word. When I asked her why she said cute means ugly but nice!

To some only, but you’d need to ask her what she’d mean if she called a guy cute and that’d probably be not ugly but not very attractive either because of the lack of a special thrill. Some women are offended because they find it patronising, but some actually like it.

By the way, nothing wrong thinking someone is cute or beautiful or something else. Problem would be if it formed an obsession or if it took sexual forms.

 

[Dirk_Skene]

To notice is not evil. Just be careful not to act on it. Remember there are plenty of unattached “cute” ones out there.

 

[Kathrin]

Soemtimes it is just difficult to figure out where “sexual” starts… if I think somebody has nice arms, is that already sexual?

 

[chevalier]

Soemtimes it is just difficult to figure out where “sexual” starts… if I think somebody has nice arms, is that already sexual?

If you literally just think he has nice arms, then no. There would have to be some desire to do something sexual, to grab that person for yourself, or some form of acceptance of unlawful pleasure, which would be enjoying the sexual stimulation caused by the thought of something.

 

[Kathrin]

Argh, see, that’s where I am not sure. Did I maybe think he has the kind of arms that are nice for hugging?? I don’t remember exactly. I just liked the way his T-shirt and his upper arms looked. Quickly looked away startling myself for even thinking something like that. Looked back to prove myself that I didn’t have any sexual thoughts. See, I am very scrupulous, gotta be careful here too.
I also thought a girl I work with has really nice hair and I like to look at the way it falls, just because she is a girl it feels ok, it’s just noticing beauty or something… And actually with the guy it was similar, just because he is a guy and married maybe I was afraid I COULD be thinking something…
But he really IS good-looking. But I wouldn’t want anything from him, I just like to watch how sweet he is with his kids and they are just a pretty young family.

 

[chevalier]

Just because he’s of the right gender doesn’t mean you’re attracted and just because you’re attracted it doesn’t mean you’re compelled to act on it. Contemplating what great arms he might have for hugging is something that would involve a lot of hair splitting in judging because if you thought of your father’s or brother’s arms the same way, you probably wouldn’t try to see perversion in it. Obviously, there are more prudent things to think about and there’s not much reason to entertain such thoughts, but it seems to me much of it might just be some momentary associations that you didn’t choose to have. If a thought crosses your mind, that’s not you thinking about something yet.

If I were in your shoes, I would try to avoid focusing my attention on him too much, wish him all the best with his family and concentrate on just that - realising he has a family. Talk to a priest if you have any doubts. Not all priests like talking about such matters in confession, as some want a concise list of sins, but you can make an appointment and then he would have more time for you. You could request a formative conversation rather than confession, as well. I’m not sure this is a good thing, but sometimes I tell the priest there’s something I feel sorry for but I intellectually don’t know if it was wrong or if it was as wrong as it feels. And sometimes I say there’s something I intellectually have a problem with, but somehow don’t feel culpable for. Then what the priest says, I rely on his judgement.

On second though, do go to a priest for a formative conversation. Scrupulosity is a serious thing and you don’t want to allow yourself to develop bad ideas. A priest will help you deal with it and avoid the hair splitting which is no good. If you keep wondering, you only go farther and farther from the conclusion. What it does is making you feel bad, tempting you to despair, diverting your attention from other things and messing up your conscience.

 

[Kathrin]

Thanks, Chevalier.
My priest knows about my scrupulosity… I have had talks about it with him before.
It is rather rare for me that I feel guilty about something possibly sexual, as I am a person for whom thoughts about sexual relationships play a very small role. I have never even been in such a relationship and don’t feel I want to be at least at this point. This might make me seem odd to some people (I am 34 now) BUT that’s the way I am I guess. And I am actually grateful for it.

So it’s not like I am somebody who looks at guys already with the thought of “wanting more”. So this is usually not a problem for me.

Maybe that is also why such a thought (finding somebody attractive, even in an innocent way) is sometimes a bit confusing for me…

Kathrin

 

[chevalier]

I have a similar thing. I am a healthy young man, well, within reason, as I’m rather detached and not a volcano of hormones, but I just don’t get to want to have sex with someone, fantasise about it, that kind of thing - even if I actually do feel attracted, or even stimulated sometimes and yes, have to guard myself from temptations from time to time. Because my mind generally doesn’t give in, I’m beginning to wonder what kind and degree of reaction my “body” (including perhaps emotions) feels - and yeah, at that point, we can talk about something sexual. But when it’s just something that wouldn’t be gay with a person of your sex, or incenstuous with a blood relative, that’s hardly a sexual thing. I suppose we have more to guard ourselves against than merely the sexual coveting, since people cheat by emotional affairs and thus some people probably steal others’ spouses that way, but I have trouble seeing that happening just because someone appreciates someone married’s qualities, finds something attractive with him. Obviously, still got to be careful with those things and still a good idea to talk to your priest about it. Might be a good idea to ask him what to do if such situations happen again in the future.