There is a lot more to it that just yes/no on how a couple handles conflict; I’m grossly over-simplifying. The researchers have aimed at a quantitative and not just a qualitative assessment, though, and they’ve been at the work of developing their methods for many years. Even if you don’t buy the conclusions in the end, just looking at the data is interesting in itself.Ah, I see what you’re saying now - I’m not too familiar with the research beyond what the article vaguely touched on. Might have a closer look into it.
Yes if course. That’s what I was alluding to earlier. Not just a yes/no, but trying to bring any such behaviours to an obsolete minimum (zero if possible). I consider my own marriage to be great, but I’d say my wife and I are both guilty of small offences in terms of a few things noted in the article. Eg the odd frustrated sign, sarcastic comment (I can be very sarcastic), dismissive body language, jokes at each other’s expense. That last one can be tricky because we should be able to laugh at ourselves and some shared marital humour can be good. But sometimes it crosses a line too. Always stuff to be working on in marriage.There is a lot more to it that just yes/no on how a couple handles conflict; I’m grossly over-simplifying. The researchers have aimed at a quantitative and not just a qualitative assessment, though, and they’ve been at the work of developing their methods for many years. Even if you don’t buy the conclusions in the end, just looking at the data is interesting in itself.
How do you define and quantify what you call selfishness? We all know, after all, that different people define what are and what are not selfish behavior or attitudes differently.The #1 cause of divorce is selfishness.
The #1 predictor of divorce is…Selfishness!
I like to group selfishness into 3 levels.How do you define and quantify what you call selfishness? We all know, after all, that different people define what are and what are not selfish behavior or attitudes differently.
If you can’t define selfishness so that it can be identified by external markers, if you can’t quantify it, and if you can’t differentiate it from something that is not selfishness, then whatever you call selfishness has no predictive use.
Among those markers that have been quantitatively defined, measured, followed, and used to predict divorce, the external markers identified by Gottman et al that are most indicative of the likelihood of divorce are expressions of personal contempt.
I don’t dispute that selfishness undoes marriages. The issue is whether behaviors indicative of marriage-destroying levels of selfishness have been defined so that this risk factor can be quantified and used as a useful predictor of the likelihood of divorce.I like to group selfishness into 3 levels.
Level 1: Legitimate self-interest. Need sleep, so rest. Need food, or medicine to take care of oneself.
Level 2: I want to do what I want to do. My needs come first. This is selfishness generally.
Level 3: I want to do what I want to do, even if it hurts someone else. My wants and desires come first, and other people really don’t exist in the world. This is narcissism.
Level 3 guarantees divorce. Level 2 needs to be minimized. Level 1 is not an issue.
The four horsemen in the article cover both levels 2 and 3.
Not sure if I understand the question.I don’t dispute that selfishness undoes marriages. The issue is whether behaviors indicative of marriage-destroying levels of selfishness have been defined so that this risk factor can be quantified and used as a useful predictor of the likelihood of divorce.
Just to clarify: To withdraw from an argument and to say “let’s take a break, because I’m too upset right now and need to calm down” is not what he means by stonewalling. Refusing to be drawn into a pointless argument is not stonewalling. Stonewalling is a form of shunning, not just taking a needed time-out.Not sure if I understand the question.
The behaviors correspond to levels 2 to 3 in my model.
Criticism - it can be legitimate if the Criticism is constructive. But if the Criticism is meant to cut someone down, that’s definitely in level 3 right there - do what one wants to do even if it hurts someone.
Contempt - clearly level 3. This is designed to hurt someone else.
Defensiveness - can be legitimate if the other partner is criticising them to death. But if it is failing to take responsibility for one’s contributions to the problem, then this is level 3 easily.
Stonewalling - if one sees that one can’t reason with someone, one withdraws. That’s legitimate, let the unreasonable one be. But maybe one doesn’t want to hear someone because of one’s ego, so that’s level 3.
Again, it depends. Couples both do things to drive each other up the wall. Those are level 2-3 items. But failing to take responsibility is also level 3.
Shunning is level 3 selfishness.Just to clarify: To withdraw from an argument and to say “let’s take a break, because I’m too upset right now and need to calm down” is not what he means by stonewalling. Refusing to be drawn into a pointless argument is not stonewalling. Stonewalling is a form of shunning, not just taking a needed time-out.
Criticism is like nagging - not just “here’s a complaint” but “complaining nonstop making the person feel as if they can never do anything right.”When he says, “criticism,” he does not mean merely lodging complaints, either.
Complaints are necessary; personal criticisms are damaging.
Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish.”
Constructive complaint: “I’m feeling left out by our talk tonight. Can we please talk about my day, too?”
I think this researcher’s results agree very well with your sense of what relationships can and can’t endure.Shunning is level 3 selfishness.
Criticism is like nagging - not just “here’s a complaint” but “complaining nonstop making the person feel as if they can never do anything right.”
That’s level 3 selfishness too.