i think i have lost interest in becoming catholic…It has a little to do with this thread, but that certainly isn’t all of it. i’ve done a lot of thinking over the last few years, into spirituality and what not. I always thought that you need a religion, or in my case, a denomination to define who you are. But that isn’t the case. right now, I have no need for a church. I tried, it doesn’t suit me. Maybe it’s my liberal way of thinking, maybe it’s my reasoning that to be with God, one must experience what god has given you, which, IMO, doesn’t reflect the church. Or maybe it’s that protestantism is what is in my family (not immediate) and my decisions have reflected the principles passed down to me.
One thing i don’t understand is that the church makes the rules, the pope is infalliable, but what if one of the popes made a rule that doesn’t reflect what God wants and therefore, you would be following this rule blindly, without any analysis of your own identity. Every person is made differently. I can’t find a single reason, other then my love for historical tradition, to join the catholic church because i believe in too many things that are not catholic. I do things that are not catholic, I was brought up to believe things that are not catholic. I’ve tried to live a chaste, catholic life for the last year now, it doesn’t work, it doesn’t mesh with my being. i don’t think this makes me a product of satan by any means, it just means that God made me the way i am, and this is the path, that’s it. Even my chosen career path doesn’t suit the catholic paradigm. i don’t see how i can perform a job that, in thoery, I’m not supposed to believe the basis of. Nothing is clear to me right now.
To be honest, i’ve lost interest in a lot of things recently. Basically because the things i could do before, i can’t do now. i have no inspiration, no reason, or theories. I have nothign to keep me going in this life, save for a few people that I love…and my cat. Those things dont’ last forever. i read about death, i’ve accepted death, but I can’t except my own. i know that i am going to die soon, maybe tomorrow, only god knows this. It saddens me that i may leave these people behind, the people that need me. why shoudl they suffer…of course, now i’m being vain. but this feeling is malignant. It’s crossed over to every aspect of my life. I can’t do anything anymore without this sense that i can do nothign else but wait to die. that is all this is. no way am i suicidal if this is what you ar getting from this, it’s just that, all i have to really look forward to is death. i have no aspirations (accept get married, have kids) but even those seem like some far off dream that i will never achieve. My goals are gone, gone are the days that I could think of anything, and have th gall to say that i can makes those things happen. I can’t, I was lying to myself. i wanted to be a writer, to be a musician, to be passionate about things. Its not happening and times a wastin.
to be perfectly honest, I was much better off when i was sad and depressed because at least i know I felt something. now I’m happy, and usually, my happiness turns to nothingness. I know i’m happy with my fiance, but I’m not happy with my life. I dont’ want to be a biotechnologist, i don’t want to be stuck living in some city where monotany is the only thing i see. i want somethign exciting to happen, but already, at 20, i feel strapped down, tied to this life that makes me feel nothing. God gave me feelings, why cant i use them? Maybe I’m jsut hollow from all the things i’ve experienced in my life that a child should never go through. They say whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger…they forgot to mention it also makes you feel hollow and stoic. It’s almost as though i can’t feel anything. i picture my wedding day, or the birth of my children, i dont’ see myself crying tears of joy, i see myself doing nothing.
