Those who have overcome trials in MARRIAGE, how do you fix emotional betrayal?

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Inspired by the thread “Those who have overcome trials in courtship, how do you fix emotional betrayal?”

Ok, on that other thread, most people recommended the OP to cut the courting with her boyfriend.

Now, I’m just curious. What if after being married for awhile, you discover and/or get confessed by your spouse that you have been lied to (or hidden the truth) during the courtship and/or beginning of marriage. (Lies on how he approached other women, including women he has had a sinful past with, flirting) How do you fix or overcome emotional betrayal? How can he gain back her trust? **Let’s say the wife already forgave him, now, how do they build their trust again? ** All this without depending only on a counselor to overcome this.

For the sake of other marriages and CAF readers.
 
E_7 said:
Inspired by the thread “Those who have overcome trials in courtship, how do you fix emotional betrayal?”

Ok, on that other thread, most people recommended the OP to cut the courting with her boyfriend.

Now, I’m just curious. What if after being married for awhile, you discover and/or get confessed by your spouse that you have been lied to (or hidden the truth) during the courtship and/or beginning of marriage. (Lies on how he approached other women, including women he has had a sinful past with, flirting) How do you fix or overcome emotional betrayal? How can he gain back her trust? **Let’s say the wife already forgave him, now, how do they build their trust again? ** All this without depending only on a counselor to overcome this.

For the sake of other marriages and CAF readers.
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I don’t think it’s cheating to work with a counselor.

I haven’t experienced this, but I would think that keeping a generous buffer zone between the erring spouse and inappropriate conduct is a good idea. They might not be able to do stuff that a spouse without the history could do safely. Did he drink too miuch? He shouldn’t go to bars with friends. Did she Facebook flirt old boyfriends? Maybe she shouldn’t be on Facebook. Are either of them still joined at the hip with mom? Maybe limit calls to once or twice a week. Etc.

I think where a counselor might be very helpful is to help the couple formulate a system in such a way that it is effective without being punitive or controlling.
 
With the combined wisdom of St. Paul and Gomer Pyle.

From the former: “. . . forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. . .” (NKJV, Phil 3:13)

From the latter: “Fooled me once, shame on you. Fooled me twice, shame on me.”
 
My wife and I have been married for 29 years. (No children). In the past 10 years or so, I have felt what I call an “emotional abandonment” from my wife. She just seem to have no interest in closeness or intimacy anymore. I have never been unfaithful to her and I’m sure she has never been unfaithful to me but I just don’t feel like she loves me anymore.

She says she does, does not see a problem, and seems to be happy with the status quo. I just write it up to “for better or worse” and plan to stick to my wedding vows. Not the best solution, but it is the only one I have, 😦
 
Lost_Sheep said:
My wife and I have been married for 29 years. (No children). In the past 10 years or so, I have felt what I call an “emotional abandonment” from my wife. She just seem to have no interest in closeness or intimacy anymore. I have never been unfaithful to her and I’m sure she has never been unfaithful to me but I just don’t feel like she loves me anymore.

She says she does, does not see a problem, and seems to be happy with the status quo. I just write it up to “for better or worse” and plan to stick to my wedding vows. Not the best solution, but it is the only one I have, 😦
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Menopause perhaps? That can do wild things to a woman’s sex drive (at both extremes; for some feast, for others, famine).

Do you have activities you enjoy together? That was a big thing for my wife and I. When we finally pulled out of the doldrums like you after a long time, we discovered two activities we both love: biking, and mountain hiking/showshoeing/walking. We also love traveling and doing those things in foreign countries. The couple that plays together, stays together, IMHO.

It’s become that there’s no people we’d rather spend time with than each other (we have three young adult children). It resulted in a kind of second honeymoon in our fifties 🙂

I will pray for you!
 
OraLabora said:
Menopause perhaps? That can do wild things to a woman’s sex drive (at both extremes; for some feast, for others, famine).

Do you have activities you enjoy together? That was a big thing for my wife and I. When we finally pulled out of the doldrums like you after a long time, we discovered two activities we both love: biking, and mountain hiking/showshoeing/walking. We also love traveling and doing those things in foreign countries. The couple that plays together, stays together, IMHO.

It’s become that there’s no people we’d rather spend time with than each other (we have three young adult children). It resulted in a kind of second honeymoon in our fifties 🙂

I will pray for you!
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Awwww.

I think that fun is important, as is getting out of the house regularly.

It’s easy for home to be where the work is, and your spouse to become very much like a difficult boss, employee, or co-worker, which is not very sexy. Your wife may feel this way about you without you realizing it.

If you can get back to having fun together again and doings outings together, you’ll be 50% of the way back to having a real sex life again, and even if it just stays at the 50%, you’ve still got that 50%.

Best wishes!
 
I think I cannot trust him again. I cannot live without trust!
 
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