Thoughts on Forgiving a Bully

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Allegra

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So, throughout my life, my mother has had a long-term friend who bullied me on several occasions when I was growing up. The incidents were scarce, since she lived out of town and most of it was inappropriate, negative comments, mostly about my appearance. Sometimes it extended to criticizing my friends and my being “too smart”. At my 13th birthday party, it escalated to body shaming, which my drunken aunt actually called her out for, rather than my mother. When I was 16, she was in town and my mom asked her to drive me to work. During the time we were alone, she lit into me in an incredibly inappropriate way, criticizing my body, my hair, the fact that I hadn’t ironed my work smock, and telling me that I would never find love if I didn’t change my ways. When I went home from work, I told my mother what she had said and my mother accused me of not wanting her to have any friends. There were more incidents at my high school graduation and my sister’s wedding, but by that point, I was done and began standing up for myself. My mother would respond by saying I was embarrassing her and never once stood up to this friend on my behalf. There was an argument about my now being willing to invite her to my own wedding and at that point, my mother did admit that some of the things her friend had said were “vain” and “silly”, but continued to insist that I was too sensitive and that it was going to be horrendously embarrassing for her to not invite her “best and oldest friend” to her daughter’s wedding.

So that’s the background, not that it really matters much. The point is, this is hardly the only or even the worst bully I’ve ever encountered. I’ve had a handful of people in my life who have hurt me in far more significant ways. Even so, while I’ve been able to move on from those hurts and forgive those individuals, in some cases even continuing to have relationships with them, I’ve always felt that I would be perfectly content to see this particular friend of my mother’s die alone on a pile of perfectly ironed smocks and hair products. I don’t really think of her all that often, (maybe once a year, if that) but when I do, I get MAD. Anyway, I had a dream last night that involved her and I’ve been cranky all day. I was just thinking to myself, “Why does this mean old bag bother me so much when I don’t even have to see her anymore?” After some prayer on the subject, it occurred to me that it really wasn’t her that I was so angry with, but my mother who cowardly failed to protect me and stand up to her. It’s easier to be angry with the friend, than it is to be mad at the person who actually had a responsibility to me and is still a part of my life. Not that I foresee any benefit to attempting to have further confrontations with my mother on the subject. I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten about as much remorse as I’m going to see from her. But it did kind of make me feel better and less cranky.

Upon writing this, I realize that I don’t really have a question and this post probably won’t produce much of a discussion, but I already wrote it so, in case it’s helpful to anyone in a similar situation, here it is.
 
Just going to play psychologist for a minute…

Maybe it’s actually your mother you haven’t forgiven since she didn’t stand up for you and defended her friend instead? Maybe you are projecting the hurt you feel from your mother onto this person?

If that’s the case, you need to work on your feelings toward your mother. That would be the first step toward forgiveness.

But of course, I could be way off base. It was just my initial thought.
 
I kind of feel like that’s what I’ve already said, but maybe I wasn’t so clear.
 
I think you’re probably right that it’s really your mother you’re angry with. She should have stood up for you.

Your title talks about firgivivg a bully- I just hope you know that forgiving them doesn’t mean you’re approving what they did, or have to allow them to continue.
 
Most daughters are highly motivated to forgive their mothers, I think. So much that one often “overlooks” rather than actually forgive. In this case, it’s easier to wish pain and suffering on the friend because frankly, she IS horrible too. Plus she’s not here and she’s not my mommy.
 
Well you got it.

Question and answer. All in one.

Nice job Allegra
 
This is foreign territory for me, but I do have an opinion, for what it’s worth… Perhaps you should simply talk to your mother. Ask her why she didn’t stand up for you when you were being bullied by her friend. Let her know that it both hurt and, as a result, angered you.

That is, after all, what’s truly bothering you.
 
angel12 said:
I just hope you know that forgiving them doesn’t mean you’re approving what they did, or have to allow them to continue.
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Exactly. Sometimes forgiving a bully is seen as condoning their inflexible and arrogant attitudes for example. Forgiveness is not the same as approval at all.
 
Your thread made me think of my own daughter.

She’s got a cousin on my husband’s side who when they see each other makes snide remarks and comments. It’s not bullying in the sense of “gimme your lunch money, or I’ll beat you up.” More like comments on her looks, her weight, her taste in music. It’s definitely mean girls kind of stuff. They don’t see each other too often, I guess once a month, but my daughter feels bullied by her.

I tell her to make the best of it and ignore it as much as she can.

If she were a friend, I’d advise her to not hang out with her anymore. But you sort of can’t do that with a cousin , especially at visits at grandmas and grandpas.

Sigh.
 
We’ve already had this discussion. She knows how I feel about it. She’s kind of sorry-ish, which is pretty good for her. She’s already told me why she didn’t stand up for me. She was embarrassed to. She didn’t want her friend to not like her anymore.
 
Is your daughter grown or is she still a child? And is the cousin a child or an adult? I would not allow my daughter to be bullied if she was a child. I would speak to the cousin or the cousin’s mother. If she was an adult, I’d let her make her own decision about what she wanted to do, but I certainly wouldn’t put any pressure on her to continue making herself available for abuse from this cousin.
 
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This was not done in charity or gentleness, nor was the criticism requested. It was generally accompanied with a side of “no one’s ever going to love you” or “you’re not going to have any friends.” It was bullying, not criticism, and the person who was doing it was is no position of authority which might have made it even remotely appropriate to offer a opinion.
 
My daughter is 14. The cousin is older by a year.

Get togethers are limited already.

We don’t go to her home, she doesn’t come over. We see them at my in-laws.

Her mom’s a bully as well, addressing it with her will end with drama. My daughter blocked her on Instagram. She was sending private message to criticize her posts as “cringe worthy”.

You couldn’t pay me to be a 14 year old girl again. 😦
 
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That bothers me . “No one will love you”? How dare someone tell that to a child. 😦😠
 
That’s a hard age. I’d probably have to deal with some drama though if someone in my family was doing that to my kid, though 14 is kind of in that threshold where you want them to start dealing with that sort of thing themselves. That does make it a tough call.
 
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