Thoughts on mindset concerning marriage

[fin]

So sometimes we get to talk about relationships family and marriage with people around us. I have a relative who says that we should learn how to save our money, be prudent and not to tell everything about one’s net worth or amount of money you have to one’s spouse, because you never know what might happen in the future and better to be prepared.

Now these are good points and good advice overall, but I came up with a weird thought which I told her and she was exasperated and said something like, well everyone has problems, even if you are single, you are going to have problems (which is very true) She also said, i am not saying you have to worry about this matter thr whole day.

So what is it I said that was strange? Well as someone single and reading or hearing advice from others which are for the most part good and they are just being helpful… hearing this advice when I do not have to be concerned about it for now because I am single, such as not telling about all my money to my spouse.

Don’t get me wrong. I agree about being prepared and I get the point about not revealing everything to the spouse because no one wants a spouse who just married you for.money, right? But at the same time, when you marry someone you have to somewhat trust this person, since you trust him or her with your life, then logically you should somewhat trust this person when it comes to money.

So i told this relative, i don’t know, (maybe me) you know even if i am doing my part to find someone(and yes even with all my shortcomings and personality defects) and also praying to get married, maybe God would say, well since you are already worried about something that hasn’t happened yet, then it is probably best for you to be single so you dont have to worry about having a bad spouse who will just steal your money. So as to spare you from this particular problem.(Shrugs)

Like i said, it is weird, Like maybe it is possible that person does not have the right mindset when it comes to marriage when you have to work doubly hard to ‘keep secrets’ from your spouse, so even though their children want to get married and they themselves the parents want their kids to get married and have grandkids, they are in a way preempting things by dont know, thinking negatively of any future in laws (if that will happen). In my imagination, something along the lines of God saying, you are already thinking badly if your future spouse and in laws, so whats the point of getting married? You,d be better off single.Thoughts? I was hesitant to post here because my thoughts seem so strange.

Just a side note:
I mean i want to have a good spouse who marries me because who rrally loves me. And cliche as it is, someone who will be there even during bad times, like when one is sick, or suffering. Someone to grow old with, and will still be there even with serious illness like dementia or injuries.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

So i told this relative, i don’t know, (maybe me) you know even if i am doing my part to find someone(and yes even with all my shortcomings and personality defects) and also praying to get married, maybe God would say, well since you are already worried about something that hasn’t happened yet, then it is probably best for you to be single so you dont have to worry about having a bad spouse who will just steal your money. So as to spare you from this particular problem.(Shrugs)

Your thoughts are a bit hard to follow, but if everyone who had worries or anxieties was not supposed to get married, then no one would ever get married. It’s entirely normal to have reservations and anxieties about things like money.

 

[puer.dei]

and not to tell everything about one’s net worth or amount of money you have to one’s spouse, because you never know what might happen in the future and better to be prepared.

That’s an awful way to look at marriage. If I can’t trust you, I shouldn’t be marrying you.

 

[Peeps]

Like maybe it is possible that person does not have the right mindset when it comes to marriage when you have to work doubly hard to ‘keep secrets’ from your spouse,

My husband and I have been married for 41 years, and dated for 6 years before we got married.

The only “secret” spouses should keep from each other is what they’re giving each other for Christmas.

Both spouses should be completely aware of the money situation in their family. There should be no secrets regarding income levels, debts, bills due, expenditures (especially online purchases), investments, winning a financial prize (lotto, card game, bet, etc.).

And each spouse’s money should be accessible by their spouse.

All of this becomes very important as a couple gets older and planning retirement. What a nightmare to discover that all through the marriage, one of the spouses was spending the retirement investments and there is nothing left to live on. Or what a nightmare to discover that the house you thought was paid for is actually in arrears for tens of thousands of dollars.

COMPLETE financial transparency–that’s the way a married couple should manage their money. If a spouse feels the need to keep money a secret from their spouse–that’s a really bad sign of some kind of abuse in the marriage.

 

[heidi_storage]

we should learn how to save our money, be prudent and not to tell everything about one’s net worth or amount of money you have to one’s spouse, because you never know what might happen in the future and better to be prepared

Learn to save money, yep…be prudent, good advice…not tell one’s spouse about net worth–WHOA! That’s crazy. If you can’t trust your spouse, don’t marry that person. “Being prepared” as a married couple means “being prepared together.”

There are many ways to handle finances as a married couple, but transparency and trust between both parties are key. Yeah, don’t go giving out your bank account information on a first date, but if you’re seriously moving toward marriage you need to be open and honest about your assets and debts–no surprise credit card debt, no “hidden” accounts. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

 

[heidi_storage]

I mean i want to have a good spouse who marries me because who rrally loves me. And cliche as it is, someone who will be there even during bad times, like when one is sick, or suffering. Someone to grow old with, and will still be there even with serious illness like dementia or injuries.

This is an excellent desire. Don’t let your anxieties or people like your aunt frighten you away from seeking out a good spouse–a good marriage strengthens you for life, even when bad things happen. Look for (and be) someone who’s Godly, honest, hardworking, prudent, loving, and unselfish. I only have 9 years of marriage under my belt, but I’ve loved being married to my husband–best decision I ever made. We build our lives together. And there’s no nonsense about secret finances, either–my husband handles the money, but takes pains to ensure that I know what’s up with our various accounts.

 

[MNathaniel]

when it comes to marriage when you have to work doubly hard to ‘keep secrets’ from your spouse

Whoa whoa whoa.

As another poster said, the only secret you should be keeping is what you’re gifting each other for Christmas.

Look. If you have some epic inherited fortune or something (Bill Gates Junior?), and you’re afraid about trying to screen for a woman who will “love you for you” – by all means, date poor. Meet women by volunteering together, doing normal things (coffee, no yacht trips) and keep family talk honest but personality and character based; discuss what you learned from your parents virtue-wise, not what you inherited from them rolex-wise.

Once you know each other well enough that you have a good (mutually honest) sense of one another’s character, general life goals, etc (say a good several months), and you’re both clearly interested in moving forward with a relationship – by all means bring her home for the holidays. To your castle behind a moat with that guest mansion out front.

But don’t imagine that you can decently go into a marriage never telling your spouse whatever your financial situation is. Marriage is for life, and the views are made for richer or for poorer. Neither of you should get to secretly drag in a mountain of debt the other becomes stuck with – and if either of you possesses a fortune, that fortune becomes joint property when the two spouses become one. Nature of the beast.

 

[Dorothy]

When a man and a woman put the Lord first in their lives, and be mindful of Him every day, then that is a great foundation to start with.

 

[AdamP88]

You must have a lot of money if you’re worried about someone marrying you “for your money”.
Catholic marriage is supposed to be about two people becoming one flesh. The household finances are not supposed to be separate. You should be prepared to share everything with your spouse. That’s the whole point.

Your relative’s advice is wrong.

Even before marriage you need to be revealing your financial situation to your intended as you will need to plan for the wedding and for your life together.

 

[AdamP88]

This is an excellent desire. Don’t let your anxieties or people like your aunt frighten you away from seeking out a good spouse–a good marriage strengthens you for life, even when bad things happen. Look for (and be) someone who’s Godly, honest, hardworking, prudent, loving, and unselfish. I only have 9 years of marriage under my belt, but I’ve loved being married to my husband–best decision I ever made. We build our lives together. And there’s no nonsense about secret finances, either–my husband handles the money, but takes pains to ensure that I know what’s up with our various accounts.

This is exactly right. Usually one or other spouse ends up doing most of the financial stuff. It’s me in my marriage. But I always keep my wife updated on it all and nothing is secret unless I’m putting money aside for a present for her.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I kept my own bank account for a number of years after we got married. Not because I was trying to “hide it from my spouse”, he knew about it just like he knew about everything else I did including some pretty bad stuff, but because it was more convenient to just leave the account I had when I was single the way it was, and it made me feel better to have some money in my own name just in case, until I saw how it was going to go with us and money. After a few years my bank went out of business and by then I was out of work temporarily anyway (in school full time) and wasn’t getting paychecks lodged into it every month, so I just used the joint account from then on. It was pretty obvious by that point that neither one of us was going to clean the account out and disappear on the other person.

Every person views and handles money differently. There is an emotional and psychological dimension to it. There are people who for psychological reasons might need to have some kind of “secret” account; assuming this is not due to them wanting to use the money for stuff that they should not be doing, like having affairs or going to X-rated clubs, it’s probably because they just have some hangup about money due to something that happened to them in the past, or that they saw happen to someone else.

Don’t worry about what other people do. You do you. If it’s very important you be able to trust your spouse financially, pick a responsible spouse and let him know your expectations, and it should be fine.

Stuff like this is why I don’t usually give advice to single people. They need to figure out what they want and go get that. It might be 100 percent different from what I wanted and went looking for.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

If I was sitting on a pile of cash, I wouldn’t tell my boyfriend.

I would tell my fiancé, because he really loves me if he wants to marry me.

 

[Dolphin]

My girlfriend and I have discussed our loans and salaries and benefits and such from jobs we have had/have which I think is very important as we prepare to get married in the near future.

Granted it’s not like we talked about this a month in, more like after over a year once we talked about engagement plans and such and eventually marriage.

 

[StRita3]

Read my post and find out why its a horrible reason to hoard and conceal finances from a spouse. Everything that is hidden WILL COME INTO THE LIGHT.

Also you have to wonder what is this relative hiding that they feel the need to give you this horrible advice? Look carefully at their spending habits, homes furniture luxuries cars and find out the real reason why they are telling you cheaters prosper. Relatives that hide cash usually will not bequeath inheritances because they are too busy living large.