Thoughts on what age dating should start?

[SMHW]

I’m really starting to think everyone on this thread is defining “dating” differently.
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Honestly the kids at my school usually start having exclusive relationships before they’re old enough to go on dates with people. It seems kind of backwards to me, but that’s how it goes.

But yeah- even if parents think dating and exclusive relationships are both bad ideas in high school, that doesn’t mean there’s no outlet for crushes. It just means the kid can’t get as romantically entangled. It doesn’t mean they can’t get to know someone or spend time with them.

I just started reading this thread and I figure it’s going to take me hours if I have to read the whole thing!

But one of the first questions that occurred to me is, “What do people mean by “date” and ‘dating’?”

Here are just a few examples of common meanings:

• An individual can be said to be “dating” if this individual frequently attends activities with other persons who would be viewed as potential romantic partners. No exclusive relationship exists.
• A couple could be said to be “on a date” if they are attending an event for which it is customary that a man escort a woman. An example would be a formal dance
• A couple could be said to be ""if they regularly attend events together and there is definite romantic attraction between them.
• A couple could be said to be dating because they like each other, hang out at school together, visit each others’ homes, but never actually attend scheduled activities as a couple.
• A couple could be said to be dating because they are having a secret sexual relationship.

Obviously “dating” could mean any number of other things. And the meaning is likely to vary depending on the ages of the couple.

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The way I see it , teens have two major reasons for wanting to “date”.

1. • The teens want to enjoy an event together and the choice of partner is not as important as the event.
     (The event could be something innocent like a concert or it could be something
     more nefarious like a physical encounter.)
   • The teens are attracted to each other and are looking for some time to spend in each others’ company.
   There are good reasons for parents to help their children learn how to behave when they encounter the opposite sex. I can’t help but think that organized events like old fashioned dances were good because they set out a structure for how boys and girls could and should interact.

 

[EasterJoy]

I definitely agree that teens should have healthy friendships with others before they begin to date. Excellent point. Dating out of loneliness and isolation is not healthy.

I believe in young marriage, so perhaps this is one reason why I have no objection to young teenagers dating! To me, 14 is not that far removed from the readiness to marry.

Although there are exceptions, there are few people in our times who can support a family at 18, as could be done when our parents were 18. So while couples may be as emotionally ready to marry at 19 as they were in 1945, they are not as financially ready until they are closer to 22 or 24, because they either need a college degree, a skill learned on the job or in trade school, or else to have advanced in the “non-skilled” labor pool before they can hope to make an income that would support a family. The few who are ready at 18 or 19 will find few of their peers getting married, which also means less support than the young married had in 1945, too.

 

[Sarabande]

Although there are exceptions, there are few people in our times who can support a family at 18, as could be done when our parents were 18. So while couples may be as emotionally ready to marry at 19 as they were in 1945, they are not as financially ready until they are closer to 22 or 24, because they either need a college degree, a skill learned on the job or in trade school, or else to have advanced in the “non-skilled” labor pool before they can hope to make an income that would support a family. The few who are ready at 18 or 19 will find few of their peers getting married, which also means less support than the young married had in 1945, too.

This is true. I remember when a few of my classmates from gradeschool got married around 18-20. Everyone thought they were destined for failure. Unfortunately, 5-10 years later, those three marriages ended up in divorce. It’s so sad. I sometimes wonder if their marriages would have lasted had they had the kind of emotional support when they were in their teens and early twenties. They were already set up for failure because people believed that you had to go to college first.

 

[aspirant]

one of the first questions that occurred to me is, “What do people mean by “date” and ‘dating’?”

Yes, we’ve not really established any common meaning, and that probably does hinder communication somewhat.

I’m just as much to blame as anyone else, because I’m willing to call quite a variety of activities dates/dating, and I’ve not bothered to really think out what the common denominator of all those activities might be, if any.

I would include, for example, any pairing for the purposes of an event that commonly involves pairing, such as a dance, even if there is no romantic interest or potential therefore (one friend inviting another just to have a partner).

I would probably include any get-together of a couple who are romantically interested in one another or acknowledge there’s potential for romantic interest.

But I would not (with the exception of the first example above) include two people who are just friends getting together unless/until such a point that they think there’s potential for romantic interest.

Obviously this is not a well-developed line of thought, it’s just the way my brain works.

 

[dshix]

I would define “date,” using the general, secular meaning of the word, to mean, “an informal get-together of two persons of opposite genders to a meal, movie, or other form of entertainment, or any other outing in which the said persons spend time together as a form of recreation.”

Just off the top of my head. Any suggestions as to definition revision?

 

[Kamaduck]

In my circles (ie. teenagers), a “date” is either going to an organized event that romantically interested people are expected to attend in pairs (dances, etc.), or an event that two romantically interested people plan independantly in order to spend time with one another. Going to a dance “as friends” is not the same as a “date”.

“Dating” always refers to an exclusive romantic relationship.

The two concepts are not necessarily related.

 

[EasterJoy]

In my circles (ie. teenagers), a “date” is either going to an organized event that romantically interested people are expected to attend in pairs (dances, etc.), or an event that two romantically interested people plan independantly in order to spend time with one another. Going to a dance “as friends” is not the same as a “date”.

“Dating” always refers to an exclusive romantic relationship.

The two concepts are not necessarily related.

Yes. Being willing to “be someone’s date” for a dance does not imply that it is a date in terms of being a one-on-one event for the purpose of exploring the possibility of, building, or maintaining an exclusive romance. A business date is also not “a date”. A double date is barely “a date”…kind of a date on training wheels. Dating doesn’t have to be an actual courtship, but it is certainly open to becoming a courtship, if the cards fall right, whether anybody is admitting it or not. (How many people are now married to someone about whom they said, “I might date him, but marry him? You have to be kidding!!” Ah, the naïvety of youth!)

When parents require that their child be a certain age before being “allowed to date”, they had better mean before the child is allowed to go on exclusive outings with a romantic interest or possible romantic interest. They had better not mean that their child is forbidden to develop an exclusive and mutual affection with or an infatuation for a member of the opposite sex. They may as well forbid the rain to fall or try to dictate the day of the first frost.

 

[GEddie]

Yes. Being willing to “be someone’s date” for a dance does not imply that it is a date in terms of being a one-on-one event for the purpose of exploring the possibility of, building, or maintaining an exclusive romance. A business date is also not “a date”. A double date is barely “a date”…kind of a date on training wheels. Dating doesn’t have to be an actual courtship, but it is certainly open to becoming a courtship, if the cards fall right, whether anybody is admitting it or not. (How many people are now married to someone about whom they said, “I might date him, but marry him? You have to be kidding!!” Ah, the naïvety of youth!)

When parents require that their child be a certain age before being “allowed to date”, they had better mean before the child is allowed to go on exclusive outings with a romanticize interest or possible romantic interest. They had better not mean that their child is forbidden to develop an exclusive and mutual affection with or an infatuation for a member of the opposite sex. They may as well forbid the rain to fall or try to dictate the day of the first frost.

Yes, this was the best explanation of the issue I could find.

Were I a parent, the issue for me would be that my under - 17.5 year-old (male or female) would NOT be allowed to spend “romantic alone time” with a member of the opposite gender, period. I would tell them, “you will have crushes and such, it is part of youth; but you are not getting together with them as ‘dating’ until I say so, because IMSJ you are not ready.”

ICXC NIKA

 

[aspirant]

They may as well forbid the rain to fall or try to dictate the day of the first frost.

 

[Kamaduck]

Yes. Being willing to “be someone’s date” for a dance does not imply that it is a date in terms of being a one-on-one event for the purpose of exploring the possibility of, building, or maintaining an exclusive romance. A business date is also not “a date”. A double date is barely “a date”…kind of a date on training wheels. Dating doesn’t have to be an actual courtship, but it is certainly open to becoming a courtship, if the cards fall right, whether anybody is admitting it or not. (How many people are now married to someone about whom they said, “I might date him, but marry him? You have to be kidding!!” Ah, the naïvety of youth!)

When parents require that their child be a certain age before being “allowed to date”, they had better mean before the child is allowed to go on exclusive outings with a romantic interest or possible romantic interest. They had better not mean that their child is forbidden to develop an exclusive and mutual affection with or an infatuation for a member of the opposite sex. They may as well forbid the rain to fall or try to dictate the day of the first frost.

That’s how I’ve always understood the terms, yes.

And yes, I certainly hope that’s what a parent means whenever one says “so-and-so is not allowed to date.” Otherwise, the ban is not just unwise, it’s unnecessarily cruel.

Forgive the harsh language, but my teachers in middle school had me convinced that crushes were sinful. I was not happy about trying to follow the rules- I thought I must be way more interested than other people were, since I couldn’t just stop being interested whenever I wanted to. Now that I’m a teenager, I’m still wondering if I’m a bit of an oddball- but for the opposite reason.

I hope that all dating bans are using Easterjoy’s definition, not telling children that all interest and spending time with the opposite sex are not allowed. The latter just causes problems.

 

[flos_parvulum]

I don’t think we can find the answer to this by looking to what worked in the early 20th century to create lasting marriages. The culture then was completely different. And while the attitude towards sex and marriage then may be 100 times better than the modern view, kids and teens need to prepare for marriage, not exactly the way people have in the past, but in a way that takes into account the cultural views of sex and marriage.

If you were to leave a kid or teen without any education about the Church’s teaching on the purpose of relationships and sex and marriage, they would just end up clueless on the matter. They would get the message that sex can be used whenever and for whatever reason. They would get the message that marriage is to fulfill yourself, not to show God’s love or create a family. And they would never really know the true and beautiful message of God’s plan for our sexuality.

Even if you just tell teens what relationships are supposed to be like, and even with a strong parental marriage as a model, it still might be difficult, considering all the social pressures, to really accept Catholic teachings on romantic relationships and family.

I think Catholic dating might actually be one of the best ways to address the discrepancy between the cultural view of marriage and sex and the Catholic ones. Catholic parents get a chance to watch over their children as they go through their first relationships and aid them in discerning and deciding what is appropriate. Once a teen gets to college, the influence of their parents can drop off significantly, so I think it can be beneficial for a teen to learn these things while they’re under their parents roof.

I started dating a guy when I was a freshman in high school. If I hadn’t begun dating when my parents were around, I don’t think I would have really known what appropriate boundaries were. Plus, I’m so glad that I got to start dating when my family could really be involved.

I don’t think there is necessarily a perfect age to start dating. Depends on the maturity level of the teen and of course parents also have rights to veto or limit specific relationships on a case-by-case basis for their kids under 18.