Thrown out of parish, burnt out on trying to return

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vatoco6

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Hi, I’m Therese.

I got an error message when I tried to post the first time…I hope this isn’t a repeat.

My pastor asked me to have no contact with him in any way because (supposedly) he fell in love with me. He did not deign to discuss his issues with me, just issued a “no contact” letter, on parish letterhead, as if I was a stalker. (I’m not, I assure you.) You can’t exactly go to Mass with a pastor who wants no contact with you! I’ve never even been thrown out of a BAR!

I live in a rural area. I was trying to return to Catholicism after 20 years away. I left in the first place because I got tired of clergy being beyond reproach. (Long story, trying to keep this brief…but I could belong to SNAP.)

And besides, I can’t even go to Communion because I married a non-Catholic 21 years ago who doesn’t want to get his first brief teenage marriage annulled.

There aren’t a lot of parishes to choose from in my area. I’m tired of reaching out and being abused. Yet I feel drawn to the faith of my childhood.

What the heck do I do?
 
Take the letter to your Bishop, ask his advice. Sounds like alot more is going on here with your priest than just his being “in love” with you.

Just keep going if possible though. Remember, we go to mass to be with our Lord, NOT because of the priest.
 
I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences. Please remember that regardless of this letter he sent you, he can’t refuse you your right to attend mass. Unless you’ve been excommunicated (and a parish priest certainly does not have the authority to do that, I’m pretty sure) no one can refuse you the right to go to mass. I concur with the previous reply. Take the letter to the bishop. Until then, keep going to mass! God Bless!!!
 
About your husband’s reluctance to get an annulment for his first marriage, from what you wrote he would probably not have a hard time getting an annulment for a teenaged marriage entered into without full regard for the seriousness of marriage. Ask your diocese for information about the annulment process. If your husband sees that it will not be as intrusive as he fears, and that it will help you regularize your marriage in the eyes of the Church, he might be willing to go through the process.

As to the other problem, that is odd. I agree with what others here have written and have advised you to do. And be sure that we will remember you and your husband in our prayers. 🙂
 
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Mummybee:
I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences. Please remember that regardless of this letter he sent you, he can’t refuse you your right to attend mass. Unless you’ve been excommunicated (and a parish priest certainly does not have the authority to do that, I’m pretty sure) no one can refuse you the right to go to mass. I concur with the previous reply. Take the letter to the bishop. Until then, keep going to mass! God Bless!!!
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FYI: (THIS POST DOES NOT APPLY TO THE ORIGINAL THREAD)
Even if a person was excommunicated, they could, and should, still go to mass, they are only prohibited from receiving the sacraments, including penance until the excommunication is lifted, by their bishop or designee. Now an INTERDICT is something else.
:blessyou:
 
Also, in terms of annulments, if you have not checked into it you may wish to ask your diocese about the possiblity of his previous marriage being annuled without his having to do much of anything, other than provide them with minimal information about when where and who…

More than one spouse has desired to return or convert to Catholicism without the endorsement of the non-Catholic spouse – the Church is able to sometimes grant the Catholic spouse the benefit of a valid marriage without the non-Catholic wanting to be Catholic or go through the annulment process themself (as long as they can provide the minimal amount of info anyway). This way, it is YOU who is getting the annulment requirement taken care of so YOU can receive the sacraments.

As far as your specific situation is concerned, continue attending Mass where you can – you cannot be denied Mass.

+veritas+
 
Thank you for your insightful replies.

I guess my problem is that I’m not willing to do any more until I can be sure I won’t get hurt again.

I was one of those kids who was physically (not sexually) abused by nuns at school, grew up to be told “no, your fiance’ can’t read what he needs to sign in order for me to marry you, because I say so” , and then that priest turned out to be openly gay…and now I’m tossed out like a sack of trash, and does ANYONE from the parish call to inquire about me, other than a few friends? NO.

And locally, the diocesan response has been “Unless you’re willing to whistleblow, the priest must have been right”, or even, “The priest is always right. You don’t like that? See ya.”

Did I miss something about an edict of infallibility of priests, now?

The guy really DOES care about his parishoners…except me, I guess. And the Church is short on priests as is.

Yet I’m drawn to the Church. I can’t explain it. I love my saints, and I love Jesus’s presence in the Eucharist, even though I can’t have it anymore. (As for me having Communion…well, the Archbishop here says I can…when my husband dies. He’s 46. Yeah, RIGHT.)
Is there a church-sanctioned support group for people like me? I’m not angry enough for SNAP. I just hurt. God, I hurt. Souls must be leaving Purgatory like Filene’s after a basement sale, from how much I hurt.
 
Thank you for your insightful replies.

I guess my problem is that I’m not willing to do any more until I can be sure I won’t get hurt again.

I was one of those kids who was physically (not sexually) abused by nuns at school, grew up to be told “no, your fiance’ can’t read what he needs to sign in order for me to marry you, because I say so” , and then that priest turned out to be openly gay…and now I’m tossed out like a sack of trash, and does ANYONE from the parish call to inquire about me, other than a few friends? NO.

And locally, the diocesan response has been “Unless you’re willing to whistleblow, the priest must have been right”, or even, “The priest is always right. You don’t like that? See ya.”

Did I miss something about an edict of infallibility of priests, now?

The guy really DOES care about his parishoners…except me, I guess. And the Church is short on priests as is.

Yet I’m drawn to the Church. I can’t explain it. I love my saints, and I love Jesus’s presence in the Eucharist, even though I can’t have it anymore. (As for me having Communion…well, the Archbishop here says I can…when my husband dies. He’s 46. Yeah, RIGHT.)
Is there a church-sanctioned support group for people like me? I’m not angry enough for SNAP. I just hurt. God, I hurt. Souls must be leaving Purgatory like Filene’s after a basement sale, from how much I hurt.
 
I guess my question is: how do you screw up the courage to try the Church again, after it keeps hurting you? What’s available in my area that’s church-sanctioned that addresses people who have been hurt by the faith, but still want to belong to the Church because of their faith?
 
I only know what you have told me. Obviously the priest is trying to avoid some temptation. Maybe he isn’t going about it the right way, but it is hard to blame him nowadays. If there is another parish within reasonable distance I would go there. Otherwise you might speak with the chancellor or vicar general of the diocese and tell them you have no choice but to go to your local parish. If that is the case then go there for Mass, but do not try to engage the pastor in conversation. Find another priest for confession and see what can be done about annulling your husbands first marriage. It might be very easy and if he knows you want this badly he might go ahead and do it. I have been stalked once myself and so I understand if the priest is leery. It is one of those things that makes them rather touchy. Over time if he sees that is not the case then he may decide things are okay. But as I said going to the next parish over might be best.

I went to public school and experienced physical abuse there. It was quite common in the old days. It is just the way things were and I hold no grudges. Nor do I choose to reject my education because of it. It is good that you wish to move on. While it might take some doing it will be worth it when you can receive the sacraments again.
 
Wow cestus, good priestly advise. This place brings out the best in you! 🙂 👍 🙂
 
Cestus,

Perhaps I’m misreading you here, but I was stung by your message.

I did nothing wrong, by this priest’s admission to a friend of mine. I have not stalked him. I was quite careful in even getting to know him. I had known him for 2 years before even considering his repeated offers to return to the Church. I am finishing my second term on the local board of Catholic Charities. That makes six years of service to a Church to which I originally had no intention of returning.

There is an amazing lack of culpability here, it seems. Do *all *priests blame the folks they hurt?

And I have my choices of a parish whose pastor is so burnt out he doesn’t return phone calls, even for requests for Last Rites (a fact…I’m a nurse) and another parish pastor who “doesn’t do Hispanics” (he said this to me directly). I live in a rural area. The next closest parish is an hour away, and I work weekend nights.
I still feel drawn to Jesus, and my faith. I can’t participate in most of the Sacraments, because I’m married to a non-Catholic who had a teenage marriage he won’t have annulled. Mea culpa. We’ve been married almost 21 years, but that seems to be of no consequence.

I am becoming increasingly convinced that the Catholic church has no room for people like me who want to be treated fairly and with compassion.
 
If I were you, I would just move out of that area, start anew. Perhaps that is impossible in your case, but it seems that it might be the only solution, since your diocese and parish seem to have a lack of charitable people. It would be good if you found at least one close Catholic friend, and lay your worries on her shoulder.

There are two problems facing you: For your pastor, please collect as much evidence as you can, and send copies to the Diocesan Office. Present your case as succinctly as possible. As for your husband, there is definitely a need to anull the last marriage. If he absolutely refuses to anull the marriage, you may have to live together like brother and sister. What are the reasons he won’t anull his first marriage?

I think you’re misreading Cestus Dei. He’s given you the best advice he could think of, without saying that you were to blame.

Please don’t blame the Church for the coldness of some of her members. There are many more Catholics touched by the kindness and compassion of many priests.

In Christ,

The Augustinian
 
I’m a convert, and when I first entered the church, that priest and I went round and round. Yes, I was deeply hurt. But I don’t think he had ever dealt with someone like me before. See, I’m mentally ill. And I have problems with relationships. Not all of that is due to the mental illness. Some of it stems from the abuse of my childhood.

Talk with your bishop. Tell him some of what you said here. That you want to be a part of the church that Christ founded, but are being blocked by this priest. The priest has no right to do that. Lucky for me, our Archbishop is a great guy. I’ve talked with him a couple of times.

The first time I had the chance was back in 1998. In late January of that year, there was…, well, I’m not sure exactly what to call it. But I live in the capital city and we had a bunch of stuff set up in “honor” of the 25th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision. And there was a mass at the church accros the street from the capital building. He celebrated that mass.

Anyway, earlier that month, there had been a pilgramage to the holy land and Rome. My priest and some others from my church went. On the sunday after they returned, during the homily the priest said that doing that sort of pilgramage was the only way to get close to God. I got quite upset about that bit. So, when I had the chance, I talked with the Archbishop. His first reply was that perhaps the priest was referring to the pilgramage of life. Which he wasn’t, and I told the Archbisop so. He had been talking about the pilgramage.

Why does this bother me? Well, for starters Christ never said that that sort of thing was necessary. IN the bible He says that the only way to God was through him. Besides, what about those poor who CAN’T go due to financial reasons? Or those who probably could go, but decide that their money would be better spent to help those who need it.

The Archbishop said that he would talk to the priest. I suppose he did. I’ve never heard anyone say that he never does what he promises to do.
 
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