Time, talents, treasures

  • Thread starter Thread starter puzzledtoo
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

puzzledtoo

Guest
I’ve been thinking of this quote quite a bit lately as it has significance for some of my wife’s and my family members that are in situations with their children and grandchildren where they’re feeling neglected, unwanted, unloved, etc…
Code: 
 " It is easier to offer a dish of rice to meet the hunger of a needy person than to comfort the loneliness and anguish of someone in our own home who does not feel loved."

 Blessings and be well.
 
puzzledtoo said:
I’ve been thinking of this quote quite a bit lately as it has significance for some of my wife’s and my family members that are in situations with their children and grandchildren where they’re feeling neglected, unwanted, unloved, etc…
Code: 
 " It is easier to offer a dish of rice to meet the hunger of a needy person than to comfort the loneliness and anguish of someone in our own home who does not feel loved."

 Blessings and be well.
Click to expand...
I realize that there can be justice to such complaints, but sometimes when older relatives complain about being neglected, it’s a case of the chickens coming home to roost.

For instance, there’s an auntie in my family who had a habit of “dropping in” on her son and DIL without notice when the son and DIL lived hundreds of miles away. Not surprisingly, that young couple has moved even farther away.

Likewise, there’s a grandpa in my family who complained that his daughter and SIL were keeping his tween grandson away from him. Well, as it happens, the grandpa pretty much never bothered to talk to the grandson at family get-togethers. It just never occurred to him that he ought to seek out his own grandson who lived in the same town and ask him, “How’s school?” He expected everybody else to do the work of giving him a relationship with his grandson, and it didn’t happen–he didn’t realize that relationships involve work, and if you don’t do the work, you don’t have a relationship.
 
I agree 100% with every point you’ve made and the family members that I mention that feel unloved for example have not been the most forthcoming with love, and charity toward others themselves. However I prefer to think of doing unto others as I would have others do unto me rather than doing unto others as they have done to me. I always tell myself that this is “karma moving along” so to speak, but my wife and I still do what we can to ease their suffering a bit. Sometimes it seems with little gratitude. Still I like the quote as we often forget those nearest us in an attempt to help out the panhandler or by giving to a food pantry. I am not saying not to do these things, but it can be “both, and” and in different ways. Blessings.
 
puzzledtoo said:
I agree 100% with every point you’ve made and the family members that I mention that feel unloved for example have not been the most forthcoming with love, and charity toward others themselves. However I prefer to think of doing unto others as I would have others do unto me rather than doing unto others as they have done to me. I always tell myself that this is “karma moving along” so to speak, but my wife and I still do what we can to ease their suffering a bit. Sometimes it seems with little gratitude. Still I like the quote as we often forget those nearest us in an attempt to help out the panhandler or by giving to a food pantry. I am not saying not to do these things, but it can be “both, and” and in different ways. Blessings.
Click to expand...
It’s very good that you are loving the unlovely. But don’t encourage grumbling.

Here are some ideas for when they start complaining about how neglected they are.

Neglected grandma: Suzie never calls!

Puzzledtoo: You can call Suzie.

or

Neglected grandma: Suzie never visits!

Puzzledtoo: You could visit Suzie. She’s got three kids now, and it will be much cheaper and convenient for you to visit them than for them to visit you.

or

Neglected grandma: Suzie never wants to talk when I call!

Puzzledtoo: Why don’t you set a weekly phone date?
 
Hubby and I have a system, and it works: If ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ makes us feel guilty when it comes on the radio or we hear it in a store or coffee shop, it’s time to call our parents, make a trip home, and put in a bit more effort. It’s a gut check.
 
puzzledtoo said:
I’ve been thinking of this quote quite a bit lately as it has significance for some of my wife’s and my family members that are in situations with their children and grandchildren where they’re feeling neglected, unwanted, unloved, etc…
Code: 
 " It is easier to offer a dish of rice to meet the hunger of a needy person than to comfort the loneliness and anguish of someone in our own home who does not feel loved."

 Blessings and be well.
Click to expand...
Here’s a thought: remember the phrase “charity begins at home?” Take it one step inward: “Charity begins with me.” Am I charitable to myself? Am I charitable myself? Do I offer mercy and comfort to others but deny it to myself? Love others as you love yourself. I believe we are more merciful with/to others when we understand we need to be merciful to ourselves. Stop beating ourselves up for not being perfect or not being as good as someone else.

Now, take a step outwards. Am I charitable to my family/friends? Why am I charitable to them? Is it an inward love of self or do I do this out of love of them? If it’s about them; I should stop thinking about how I feel so I can concentrate on how they feel. When I speak to others, how do I start my sentences? Do I focus on “me” or “them”? I’m pretty sure there’s no passage when Jesus talked only about Himself and ignored those He was talking to!

Finally, remember love is given without expectation of return as Christ showed us. In time, those not so nice relatives may become nicer or not. We don’t love them just because they’re like us; we love them because Christ loves them.

A different thought perhaps… God bless you.
 
Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut so far. Blueeyedlady thank you for sharing. I used to use cat’s in the cradle decades ago as a gut check to contact my parents when I was in the service. It helped me to realize I hadn’t been as diligent as I should have.
I neglected to write that the quote is from mother Teresa. The main instance that got me thinking of the quote is this.
I have a sister-in-law that lives with one of her daughters, her son-in-law and two grandchildren. Without getting into detail she feels unloved and unappreciated and once in a while will contact my wife (her sister) “grumbling” about how she hates it there and wants to know if she can move in with us if she needs to. She has done this several times over the last few years. We have discussed this and even though we feel she is a miserable, obnoxious, arrogant, and bitter person we have told her that she is welcome to move in with us if she needs a place to stay. No we didn’t tell her what we think of her attitude and to be honest I don’t have to look hard in the mirror to see the same traits in myself to at least a certain extent-sometimes more than other times.
Anyway she has come to our house a couple times a year for the last few years to get a break-sort of a retreat for her. When she comes up she says she doesn’t know how long she’ll stay, maybe a week or month or maybe she won’t go back to her daughter’s home. After 4-5 days she is always ready to go back until the next time she needs relief. She is here now and ready to head back in a few days. We are happy to help her out as needed, just wish she had a better relationship with those involved. I’m leaving all the drama and toxic stuff out as it really isn’t important for the post. I simply believe we should treat those we live with better than we do sometimes. Those closest to us and those that do the most for us sometimes go underappreciated. I’m not taking sides with my sister-in-law or her daughter and her family as I know only what she says in front of me or what my wife says she has said to her.
So we’ll keep plugging along-Thank you again for your (name removed by moderator)ut and letting me ramble in this post. Blessings to you and yours.
 
puzzledtoo said:
Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut so far. Blueeyedlady thank you for sharing. I used to use cat’s in the cradle decades ago as a gut check to contact my parents when I was in the service. It helped me to realize I hadn’t been as diligent as I should have.
I neglected to write that the quote is from mother Teresa. The main instance that got me thinking of the quote is this.
I have a sister-in-law that lives with one of her daughters, her son-in-law and two grandchildren. Without getting into detail she feels unloved and unappreciated and once in a while will contact my wife (her sister) “grumbling” about how she hates it there and wants to know if she can move in with us if she needs to. She has done this several times over the last few years. We have discussed this and even though we feel she is a miserable, obnoxious, arrogant, and bitter person we have told her that she is welcome to move in with us if she needs a place to stay. No we didn’t tell her what we think of her attitude and to be honest I don’t have to look hard in the mirror to see the same traits in myself to at least a certain extent-sometimes more than other times.
Anyway she has come to our house a couple times a year for the last few years to get a break-sort of a retreat for her. When she comes up she says she doesn’t know how long she’ll stay, maybe a week or month or maybe she won’t go back to her daughter’s home. After 4-5 days she is always ready to go back until the next time she needs relief. She is here now and ready to head back in a few days. We are happy to help her out as needed, just wish she had a better relationship with those involved. I’m leaving all the drama and toxic stuff out as it really isn’t important for the post. I simply believe we should treat those we live with better than we do sometimes. Those closest to us and those that do the most for us sometimes go underappreciated. I’m not taking sides with my sister-in-law or her daughter and her family as I know only what she says in front of me or what my wife says she has said to her.
So we’ll keep plugging along-Thank you again for your (name removed by moderator)ut and letting me ramble in this post. Blessings to you and yours.
Click to expand...
In the name of all that’s holy, don’t move this woman into your house permanently! It’s fantastic that you host her from time to time, but you could destroy your own marriage by having her in your home long term.

It’s mazing that your bitter SIL and her daughter’s family have managed to live together so long–I would be very concerned about the long-term effect on the daughter’s marriage of them living together in close quarters. Is there any chance of getting a more appropriate living set-up? Here are a couple of ideas:

–side-by-side duplexes
–a house with a garage apartment or MIL suite
–studio apartment in the neighborhood but eat dinner together most nights
–assisted living

With the exception of cases of mental disability, I think it’s the older relative’s duty to take responsibility for the relationship with a younger relative. They are more experienced and (hopefully) wiser and hence are better positioned to figure out how to improve the relationship. I am not old enough to have grown children, but I do have a teenage daughter and it can’t be a 50/50 relationship where we are both in charge of making sure that our relationship works–I have to be willing to take on 90% of responsibility for making the relationship work. Hopefully, as time goes by, that will even out, but right now, I am the person with the experience, self-control, and social skills to take care of our relationship, so it’s my job.

As always, I recommend reading the book “Don’t Shoot the Dog.”

And again, don’t lend too friendly an ear to her grumbling.
 
Thank you Xantippe for these suggestions on alternative living arrangements. I really don’t think they would work for several reasons, finances being the obvious one to me, but my wife and I had discussed(several years ago) about her sister going to senior living and at the time that wasn’t feasible due to her age I believe, but that isn’t an issue any longer.
After reading the list you opined that came back from the recesses of my mind so thanks for the memory jog. It and your offerings will certainly be topics of discussion to bring up the next time my sister-in-law mentions moving in. I simply don’t want her to feel unwanted, etc… and it’s all about me right? :). I want and I don’t want. Life with an ego.
Thank you again-for your genuine concern as well as constructive (name removed by moderator)ut. Blessings-stay safe.
 
puzzledtoo said:
Thank you Xantippe for these suggestions on alternative living arrangements. I really don’t think they would work for several reasons, finances being the obvious one to me, but my wife and I had discussed(several years ago) about her sister going to senior living and at the time that wasn’t feasible due to her age I believe, but that isn’t an issue any longer.
After reading the list you opined that came back from the recesses of my mind so thanks for the memory jog. It and your offerings will certainly be topics of discussion to bring up the next time my sister-in-law mentions moving in. I simply don’t want her to feel unwanted, etc… and it’s all about me right? :). I want and I don’t want. Life with an ego.
Thank you again-for your genuine concern as well as constructive (name removed by moderator)ut. Blessings-stay safe.
Click to expand...
I hesitated to mention the assisted living because I know that a lot of older people that is a dirty word (I wouldn’t mention the word “nursing home” within about a mile of my grandma), but it may be the best answer eventually.

The most important thing is that you and your wife agree 100%.

Also, if you and your wife could make her happy, SIL would already be happy.
 
I don’t believe assisted living or nursing home is quite the right answer at this time, SIL is only about 67 and not ready for that yet as far as I can tell.
 
puzzledtoo, how gracious you are to open your home with no strings attached. You allow your sister-in-law to visit as long as she wants, and she stays awhile and then leaves. How secure you must make her feel that if she ever needed to get out of her living situation, she has an option. Perhaps she really just need a bit of a vacation from her family for a little bit and never really intends to leave for good. It could just be a “dance” she does. The fact that you receive her so kindly must help her feel better. May God bless you for your kindness. 🙂
 
Thank you Irishmom2 for the kind words. I really hope it is only a dance as you put it. I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this since yesterday, going over earlier posts and have come to the belief that my wife and I do do quite a bit for her sister and shouldn’t feel guilty about not doing what we may not be comfortable with. We’ll see what happens-she leaves Sunday and will be going on a trip with us in march to visit family. That will be a break for her as well. Blessings to you and yours. Thank you.
 
puzzledtoo said:
Code: 
 just wish she had a better relationship with those involved. I'm leaving all the drama and toxic stuff out as it really isn't important for the post. I simply believe we should treat those we live with better than we do sometimes. .
Click to expand...
First off, I think the toxic stuff is key to the post. Even saints have their limits and if someone is toxic, the saint will push back eventually. And as much as it is nice that you wish your SIL got along better with her daughter, don’t over care since that is overstepping. Lastly, I think your point about treating those we live with better applies to your SIL in the sense that perhaps she could start treating the people she lives with better. Why does everyone have to be nice to her and she doesn’t have to be nice to anyone? Who made her the school yard boss?
 
Hello Angel… Thank you for contributing. Apparently I’ve implied unintentionally that this was all one sided and that my SIL is an innocent victim. This is not the case as there is more than enough egotism to go around from all involved. My intention was to bring my awareness to light that we often don’t treat those nearest to us with love and respect due them whoever they are and whichever “side” they represent-parent, child, grandparent, etc… we often ignore the ones we live with. Consider the couple at the local diner that are out for breakfast-one is on the phone talking or texting and the other is either staring into space or reading the morning paper quite unconscious of the other. As I considered different situations mother Teresa’s quote came to mind in a very real and vivid way. As to your comment about the “school yard boss” that fits perfectly for the person in question. Her father before he died a few years ago would comment on how she had even as a youngster would “lord it over” her siblings as though she were boss. She apparently did this whether the sibling were older or younger. So I suppose she hasn’t changed much in that aspect though I pray that someday she will find peace in this life. Actually I pray this for all involved. Blessings to you and yours
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top