Tired of always being second priority to my friends

[Diamond93]

I have a close friend who I haven’t hung out with lately due to the fact that in addition to working full time, she also is doing an online masters program. Between the two, she tells me she has very little spare time to hang out. I’ve told her I understand that and I accepted that until she finishes her classes, we wouldn’t be hanging out much. But then I’m noticing that while she claims to have no time to hang out with me, I’m seeing on Instagram that she makes plenty of time to hang out with her boyfriend. I can’t help but get mad that she claims to have no time to have a social life with work and school going on, but yet she always manages to make time for her boyfriend. I understand that romantic relationships take precedence over friendships, but why do people just automatically blow off friendships once they get into relationships? It’s really hurtful. I’ve been single all my life, so maybe since I haven’t experienced all the wonderful highs of being in love that’s why I can’t relate. But in the meantime, I’m tired of being second priority. Should I talk to my friend about this? Or should I just stay quiet and suck it up and accept that this is just how it is when people are in relationships?

 

[Legend]

I think you should wait until she has all her master’s work done. And, hopefully, has her degree. Sometimes, yes, people do put their romantic relationships first. But, how close are you to the whole situation? Maybe her boyfriend has experience in her field, and is helping her.out? Maybe he has experience with online classes and degrees in general?

I understand how you feel. But your friend is quite likely, under a lot of pressure, and may be less kind with her answers than she would normally be.

I think you should wait and see how things are when there is less pressure, for her. If pressed to answer now, she may not answer as she normally would. Try and spend time with other friends. Or try and make some new ones!

 

[TheLittleLady]

Take this as she is trying to let you down easy.

Find new friends. Real friends do not ditch each other over a romance.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

I think you should cut her some slack. In general I dislike when people neglect friends in favour of romance. But I struggled with my masters degree and working full time so I know how stressful it can be. I blew so many people off. And I spent 90% of my time procrastinating, which made me more stressed. Some people are really bad at striking good time management balances.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I know it’s hard when a friend seems to “move on” and be “letting you down easy” as someone else said.
However, it’s pretty normal for people to move on from friendships when they get heavily involved in a relationship. Relationships also often bring new interests that the couple can share together, and new circles of friends met through those interests.
And when kids come along, then people tend to move on from friendships with anybody who isn’t similarly dealing with kids.

I would suggest that you be thankful for the past good times you had with your friend and now move on and make other friends who are single and have things in common with you right now.

It’s a fact of life that most friendships aren’t going to last a lifetime, but just for a phase of your life where you and the friend are together and have things in common. I have had many friends who I was close with for a few years, but then things changed due to a career change, relationship status change, kids being born etc. and the friendship faded away. In some cases I have run into these folks again 20 years down the road and renewed some sort of a friendship or social contact. In other cases the person became somebody I didn’t really want to stay in touch with, or even passed away. It’s just something you learn to deal with.

 

[Diamond93]

I disagree with some of you guys who are saying that she’s trying to “let me down easy.” She still wants to be friends, I know that, I just get frustrated that what little spare time she has she always spends it with her boyfriend and we have to way plan in advance for us to hang out. It wasn’t that way before. When we first became friends earlier this year, we were consistently hanging out, and she was still with her boyfriend then. But recently, she broke up with him and then recently got back together with him again. I don’t know, maybe she’s working overtime just to make sure that they don’t break up again? So that’s why she’s spending all this time with him? Maybe I’m just overthinking things.

 

[jvickers]

I think you hit the nail on the head by saying you might be overthinking things. Be a friend and support yours. There is that chance that she’s trying hard to salvage a relationship she also wants. That takes time and energy. Being a friend does not mean you have to hang out together every day or even every week. Being a friend runs deeper than that, and part of being a friend is trying to understand the other and not take offense if we get put on the back burner for some reason.