To adopt, or have our own...(complicated)

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Proelium_Frater

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Greetings all,

I’ve a question on what to do…

…Before I came back to the Church (My family stopped attending Mass when I was about 12 or 13), I had a vasectomy. Now, I have returned to the faith (came back few years ago), and my Wife (a convert) & I are contemplating children.

Now, there is no guarantee that a reversal would work. The average rate of pregnancy rate after reversal is 60%…it was done long enough ago that the chances of it being successful have diminished. In that case it would be $8,000-$10,000 down the drain. Nor does the Church absolutely require that I get my mistake reversed…

With that in mind, my Wife & I feel very strongly drawn towards the adoption of an older sibling group (6-12 years old or so), but are just a little unsure if this is what we should do (on the positive side…no dirty diapers!).

What advice would y’all give me…
 
Proelium Frater:
Greetings all,

I’ve a question on what to do…

…Before I came back to the Church (My family stopped attending Mass when I was about 12 or 13), I had a vasectomy. Now, I have returned to the faith (came back few years ago), and my Wife (a convert) & I are contemplating children.

Now, there is no guarantee that a reversal would work. The average rate of pregnancy rate after reversal is 60%…it was done long enough ago that the chances of it being successful have diminished. In that case it would be $8,000-$10,000 down the drain. Nor does the Church absolutely require that I get my mistake reversed…

With that in mind, my Wife & I feel very strongly drawn towards the adoption of an older sibling group (6-12 years old or so), but are just a little unsure if this is what we should do (on the positive side…no dirty diapers!).

What advice would y’all give me…
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Pray hard to see what God’s will is. Since you feel strongly drawn towards adoption of an older child, that just may be what God’s will is, who knows! The best advice I can give is pray, talk with God about it. Honestly evaluate your motives, etc. You and your wife can even talk with a priest about this, if you wish, asking for advice on finding God’s will in this. Sit in front of the tabernacle and ask Him what he wants of you.
 
I take it by ‘older sibling group’ you mean two or more children who might otherwise not be adoptable together?

I don’t know if God is actually calling you to do this but I think it’s a perfectly admirable thing to do. And it’s something that I would hesitate to recommend to anyone who had biological children currently living in the home. There are some unique issues with adopting older children that hopefully you will explore.

I’d pray for guidance and if you think you and your wife are called in this direction I’d forget about surgery and concentrate on the adoption.
 
Good luck, and God be with your decision. Both are very noble courses of action. Do your best to discern God’s will in your marriage, and then don’t look back.
 
If you are seriously considering adopting, I would recommend you take some pre-adoption and/or foster parenting classes before you make a decision. Most states offer foster parenting information classes and most adoption agencies offer pre-adoption classes. They are really important in getting you to think through all the issues.

And, as mentioned before, be sure to lift it all up in prayer. God will lead you, just be patient.

(This from a mom of two adopted children following infertility and miscarriages!)
 
My husband had something somewhat similar, except his condition was due to a birth defect because he is a carrier of cystic fibrosis. He does not have the tubes to carry sperm out of his body. We had a choice to have some radical operations that were just as costly as your surgery. We decided that we could better use the money and adopt a baby. So that is exactly what we did. Now we have a beautiful baby girl from China. She is the absolute apple of our eyes.
 
I have 2 biological children (although one now lives in Heaven) and one adopted child. I have to tell you that I don’t feel any different towards them. I love them all the same. i guess what I am trying to say is that your children are your children regardless of how they came to be your children. I think if you are feeling drawn toward adoption, go for it! I do agree with the advice on classes and counseling though. We adopted a baby, so his needs are different than an older sibling group would be. Best of luck to you and your wife. My prayers are with you.
 
We’ve adopted two children from Russia, one in 1997, and one in 2003. I love my kids, and thank God everyday that he blessed us in this special way. We adopted both of our kids when they were only 7 months old. And although they were in orphanages only short periods of time, both have suffered due to that exposure and lack of care. My daughter in particular was severely depressed for almost a year, and she was very stand offish. Actually screaming in pain when hugged or kissed. Now, after about 18 months of intensive love, hugs, and kisses, and having her sleep in our bed, she’s great. But, I just bring this to your attention, because the adoption of older children may sound great, but will only work if you are aware, and able to deal with the issues that these kids will surely have. Please research all different foster and adoptive options in your area, take a class, read everything, and speak to parents who adopted older kids. If this is right for you, you will surely be giving life, love and a home to children that really need it. However, if you are not prepared to handle the tough issues, it will be bad for both you and the children.

Good luck, and God bless you,
c
 
I totally agree with ecp007, who adopted from Russia. It takes mature people to adopt, but I believe you can do it if you choose. And there’s such a need!
We adopted our two children domestically, they were legal risk children and we fostered them first. That is something for you to consider.
When people speak of older children, they usually mean 3 and up, as infants are so much in demand and any child over 3 has much less chance being adopted. I tried for ten years to adopt an older sibling group from South or Central American. It just never worked out, but as soon as we signed up as foster parents, we were given a referral six weeks later. Our “older children” ended up being ten months and 28 months when we got them.
I believe that God keeps a close eye on adoptions – people often say theirs seemed heavensent.
I’ll pray that God guides you in your decision making.
 
Adopting would be a wonderful thing, especially an older group of siblings-- they are so hard to place.

If you are still considering reversal, I suggest you go to www.omsoul.com and get their book which is full of stories of men & women who’ve had sterilization reversals. It’s a good read.
 
Pray, pray, pray, and be open to God’s ability to overcome all things. I will keep you and all considering adoption in my prayers!
 
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