To be engaged or not, to be together or not

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abbiegirl

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This is a long story short. My fiance and I just finished going thru the paperwork to have our previous marriages nulled via defect of form. He origionally did not want to go thru this ( it could have possibly been an annullment) because he didn’t want to hurt his ex’s feelings. Anyway, he did eventually and everything was going pretty good. I have two kids - 8 and 6. He plays, alot with them, not much on the disciplinary side - they look to him as a playmate. I have moved back home since my divorce 7 yrs ago, so I could go back to school and my parents and sisters have been such a tremendous blessing and help. We planned to get married, he was going to sell his house and he was going to move in with us until we could buy property and house. The kids don’t know anything else besides where they’re at, they are extremely stable, happy and adjusted. Their father has never had anything to do with them. Anyway, I have been reassured by my fiance that he is agreeable with all our future decisions, time and time again, but he has recently said he changed his mind about living arrangements (after we all, my family included, made plans), etc. There were other issues, excuses mostly. The engagement is off for now and we are seeing a family therapist. We have not been together, even the kids, since this about 2 mths now. He is now selling his truck, house, and going to RCIA - all things we discussed and he agreed with. I can’t get past the fact that he is doing all this out of desperation of losing us. I just don’t feel the same about him. Is this normal? My kids just think that I need to write him a love note and we can get married (innocence!). My parents feel strongly that I should move on (they feel very betrayed also). I’m not sure what to do. Any thoughts? (so much for keeping it short! I really did leave many details out, so if any clarification is needed, please let me know). Thanks
 
Well, I’d at least take a second look at the relationship. It would seem like love isn’t the driving force here. And your parents might be giving you the proper advice. Take some time to consider it all. I think that you already have the answer written on your heart.
 
We do love each other very much, but it seems that he faltered some. He says he now knows how much he has to lose and what is important to him. We both have been divorced for 7 years, and set in our ways. During this time of disapreement, I was pushing him to fight for us, and it took me 3 times giving him an ultimatium for him finally to see. He is extremely sincerely apologetic and is really trying to work on things. Is this just typical male behavior? I have been without a husband/boyfriend for so long, I kinda lost touch. Am I being too hard on him? I am not going to settle, but he seems to really be doing all the right things.
 
I currently live with my in-laws and it can be a very difficult situation. I was warned by EVERYONE to not live with my in-laws and I had a lot of doubts. My husband and I had many many conflicts due to his family’s interference with our relationship.

Your fiance is going to change everything in his life for you and that’s HUGE!..becoming a step-father AND moving in with his in-laws. Any man would become fearful and perhaps a few of his friends/family members told him to be careful.

I don’t know all of the circumstances, but perhaps you are being a little too hard on him?

He’s showing you how much he loves you by selling his house and going to the RCIA. It’s not very often in life that we are loved to this degree. Love can be measured by how much one is willing to sacrifice for another.

You’ve either got to let this guy go, or make up your mind to marry him. He’s feeling very insecure and he needs to know either way what his future holds.

Love is a decision; it’s not something that we feel on a whim. You need to decide if you want to love this man or not. Perhaps it is you who has cold feet and are afraid of all of the challenges and sacrifices?

Good luck either way!
 
hi abbie;

I’m a little confused…so you’re broken up…why did you guys break up, exactly? Was it his doing?

The one thing I’ll say, is do not live together if you’re not married…inlaws or no inlaws. If you’re not married, it’s best to wait until you are, to start living together…especially with kids involved, so they learn the right way to go about things, too.

If you could explain though what broke you guys up, that would help me a lot! lol Thanks!🙂
 
I broke up with him the first time I guess to make a point and help him realize what is important in his life. He “changed his mind” about living (after we were married) with my parents temporairly. His house has no yard, in a neighborhood houses next to each other. Space is very important to me and the kids, I love the fact that they can run around outside and be kids - this is what they’re used to. I didn’t want to upset their stability and happiness, for my happiness. So we agreed that the best thing to do was the above arrangement. Well, after all the planning we did, he changed his mind. He suddenly likes his house, near a gym, … I don’t know. I gave him the ring back and then broke up, because I felt he went back on his word to me. I also have in the back of my mind that he didn’t want to hurt his ex’s feelings. I think that he just wants to make everyone happy, and it just isn’t possible. But it’s not just about the house, it’s about our future plans, involving my family (who is very close knit), and thier connections with my kids (it’s all they’ve known). I hope this helps, thank you all for your responses.
 
abbiegirl said:
I broke up with him the first time I guess to make a point and help him realize what is important in his life. He “changed his mind” about living (after we were married) with my parents temporairly. His house has no yard, in a neighborhood houses next to each other. Space is very important to me and the kids, I love the fact that they can run around outside and be kids - this is what they’re used to. I didn’t want to upset their stability and happiness, for my happiness. So we agreed that the best thing to do was the above arrangement. Well, after all the planning we did, he changed his mind. He suddenly likes his house, near a gym, … I don’t know. I gave him the ring back and then broke up, because I felt he went back on his word to me. I also have in the back of my mind that he didn’t want to hurt his ex’s feelings. I think that he just wants to make everyone happy, and it just isn’t possible. But it’s not just about the house, it’s about our future plans, involving my family (who is very close knit), and thier connections with my kids (it’s all they’ve known). I hope this helps, thank you all for your responses.
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Hi again abbie–thanks for clarifying!
If you are trying to follow Church teachings, living together…doesn’t matter with who…is really not a great option. I think it’s best to stay in separate living arrangements, and continue dating. If it is meant to be…you both will get married, and everything will fall into place. If he is going through RCIA, and living with a woman out of marriage…he is beginning his faith walk on the wrong foot. Both of you would be best to live separately.
Just my two cents…your relationship sounds like it can work–just needs some tweaking! :o
 
Explain one thing to me, please. How can he be in agreement with your - your and his - decisions? That’d mean agreeing with his own (50/50) decisions. People make their decisions and stand by them or go back on them, but they don’t agree or disagree with their own choices. Are you sure you didn’t make a number of decisions to call them “our decisions”? You cannot make decisions for him any more than he can for you. You need to take his needs and his feelings into consideration. Giving him the ring back to make a point is not a good way of asserting your choices, either. Don’t ever push him into submitting to your decisions by hurting him emotionally or threatening to do so. You two need to sit at the table and discuss your decisions jointly, with each of you having an equal say. I’m sorry if I got you wrong, but this is the impression I get from what I read.
 
Hmm.

Sounds like he is willing to do a lot for you. What are you doing for him?

That’s a rhetorical question… but…

I think you might want to examine your conscience concerning the house thing. I understand your desire for a big yard. but how much does that weigh, against both the stress of living with your parents, and what I’m about to tell you?

If the house is in a bad neighborhood, I can see not wanting to live there. Or if the house itself is *really *too cramped for the 4 of you - for instance, has only 2 bedrooms and one bath.

But in today’s financial climate, he will have to sell the house for less than he paid for it. It’s a buyer’s market. If he has a mortgage, and did not make a substantial down payment, he may actually be left with debt.

And then, while you wait to save up a good down payment, the market will shift again. Credit has already tightened, making it more difficult to get a mortgage, and a higher down payment may be required. Prices will probably begin to go back up in the time it takes you to save up that down payment.

Not to mention that living with your parents will not give a lender confidence that you will be able to make a house payment.

I assume you haven’t considered this aspect before. I think it would be irresponsible, from a financial point of view, to sacrifice his house because you want a big yard for your kids. Surely you can wait for a big yard for a while, until he has enough equity in his house to “trade up,” and until the market improves. There are parks and playgrounds, and you could always take them to your parents’ house to play.

God bless you,

Ruthie, whose DMIL is a Realtor
 
It’s quite possible that through attending RCIA, he may be face to face with his renewed faith raising some questions concerning his previous marrage. He may not be far enough along to make a hard decision and pusue outcome wholeheartedly.

Divorced in 2003, and was commited to another marrage. Our Lord started tugging me back to Him & I started changing. I think it scared #2 away.

Thanks & praise to you, Lord Jesus.
 
I’m sorry, I am a little confused. Are you saying that he may be coming to terms as to why his first marriage ended in divorce? I hope that it does bring him closure. Is that what faith brought you? Thank you.
 
abbie and ruthie,

I have to disagree solely with the point about the house with no yard (and no grandparents) being “financially irresponsible”. Actually,. I’m not disputing the logic, and if you and he hadn’t considered this, ruthie has done you a big favor by pointing out the economic factors. However, I do not think they should be tantamount given all the other considerations in this situation. I do custody work all too frequently, and I have to say, I think abbie is doing the right thing by thinking of her children first in this instance. For an intact couple, with both biological parents around, obviously the marriage relationship comes first, and also this principle applies to second marriages, to a point. Given the recent upheavals related by abbie, again, I think she is just being a prudent parent. If she is being called to marriage with this fella, the Lord will provide. He will not be outdone in generosity. Therefore, the financial irresponsibility of the fiance’s house sale would seem to me to be secondary in importance to considering the kids’ happiness. Also, I do not think there is any mention of how long this engagement was, or how long the relationship was, so again, the kids welfare should be paramount.

If you are not a child of divorce, it is hard to know the effect this has on kids, and these kids have known no other situation than being with the grandparents, according to abbie.
 
I do think that the Lord will provide. I also very much appreciate the financial issues that were mentioned to be considered - no, I really had not thought of all that. I did think that if he would at least try to sell his house to see what he could get, that would be a start. He is willing to do that now, along with many other things he had agreed to. Thanks also for sharing the consideration for the children. We are not planning on living together prior to marriage. He and I have gone to 2 sessions of family counseling and, big surprise, we seem to have a big communication barrier, just based on our personality types. We are the same (basically) personality, except on how we express and communicate ourselves. So, I think that it was an eye opener, and I hope that my family can see that we are trying. Please pray for us, thay we continue to be prudent (very appropriate word by the way) and can move forward according to God’s will. Thanks
 
I hope nobody thinks I was saying you have to move in to his house! ChooseToLove is right - I was pointing out something you might not have considered. There are times I manage to sound, um, bossy without meaning to. :o

I’ve seen a lot of mentions on different threads about a book called “The 5 Love Languages,” that folks say has helped them communicate. Just another thought.

God bless all of you!

Ruthie
 
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