To die, to sleep

[QuizBowlNerd]

I mentioned in a family discussion that sometimes I thought it would be nice if dying simply meant falling asleep and never waking up. Part of this stems from the fact that I feel as though I will probably end up on the wrong side of the Pearly Gates - it seems, at times, like it would be so much easier if there were simply no Judgment; if by dying, we could simply cease to be.

My brother (who is a Sedevacantist, so I am inclined to take many things he says with a grain of salt) took me aside privately and told me that this point of view means I am essentially wishing that God did not exist, and thus it is a kind of blasphemy. I can most certainly see his point; however, there are underlying circumstances that he is not aware of, and I am wondering if they change anything.

I have gone through at least one period in my life (and possibly more) of what I believe to be depression (although I was never officially diagnosed) where I was in such pain that I actually got to the point of asking God to let me die. While I am not currently taken to such extreme measures, the experience did change the way I view my own mortality.

These days, when the ache won’t leave my chest, my reaction usually isn’t to want to feel better - it’s to want to stop feeling period. Sometimes I think I may have lost the hope that there is something better (perhaps along with my capacity to appreciate or desire it) as well as the fear that there is much that’s worse. Of course I know intellectually that Hell is worse than the worst fate imaginable, that Heaven should be my ultimate goal, and that there are many people in the world who are not nearly as fortunate as I am, but evidently those points speak much more to my head than my heart.

This is certainly something I will be talking over with my confessor, but I am interested in hearing from others “in the trenches” who may have experienced such thoughts and desires.

 

[TheOldColonel]

It sounds like you want peace. Ask God for peace. It is a gift he does give.

 

[goodcatholic]

but I am interested in hearing from others “in the trenches”

My experience on forums is that many Catholics like to give “tough love” advice to those “in the trenches” telling them to stop the self-pity, pull their socks up and wake up.
I wont be doing that. I have been in the trenches and still am really.
I used to support a guy who had an acquired brain injury. He got that injury from an attempted hanging (suicide)
That’s what happens to you if you fail suicide.
There is no guarantee you go to a better place after suicide. And there is absolutely no guarantee that you go to “numbness” if you succeed.

I have no answers other than what I’ve written. Just know you are not alone with your doubts.

 

[Rhubarb]

I have no reason to believe that won’t be the case - that our consciousness just… Evaporates away. I have serious depressive episodes thinking about it.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Wishing to die or thinking of death as just a nice peaceful sleepy time is a disordered thinking pattern that can take over your mind and be toxic. I know this because I thought that way for about 10 years as a reaction to the stress and difficulty of life. God jolted me out of this line of thinking in a fairly dramatic way, fortunately.

The wish to stop feeling or to just get a little peace seems to be pretty universal, when you look at all the people who are looking for these things in an opioid or in a bottle of alcohol or in other types of addictions. All of which are essentially bringing death, slowly.

Death is not just a “falling asleep” and there will be a judgment after death, and also we should not be wishing to die before God has decided it is our time to go. Nevertheless when people are in pain or under stress they may think in this disordered way because of pain or stress. In your case, you have said you think you may have the mental illness of depression. I would suggest that these feelings could be related to such an illness. Please consider seeking professional mental health help.